‘How do you feel? It’s pretty big to have your first day in a proper job.’
Anna took a sip of the steaming tea. After her dream, her workday felt a world away. ‘I feel good. Working there will be fine.’
Jeanette’s smile widened. ‘You have such a positive attitude, Anna. I’m so grateful to be your mentor.’
A lump formed in Anna’s throat. She’d never been told by anyone that she had a positive attitude. In high school her attitude had always been described as bad. When she first came to Australia, she had worked hard and tried to always be positive. For a short time, it had felt like her life was coming together. Anna was at university studying business, dreaming about the companies she would one day run. And then she met Jake and her dreams didn’t seem as important.
Anna gripped the letter from her university tightly, afraid it would vanish. She could fix this. She wasn’t going to screw up her chance at the best university in Australia. Jake took the letter and crumpled it.
‘Forget it,’ he slurred. ‘All you need is me.’ Anna watched him throw the scrunched-up letter across the room, knowing she was falling down a hole it would be impossible to climb out of.
Anna cleared her throat. ‘Thanks,’ she managed, taking another sip of her tea.
‘Now, another reason for my visit today is that I have to speak to your parole officer next week and they’ll want to know what therapy you’ve chosen to undertake.’
Anna rolled her eyes. She’d almost forgotten about this condition of her release. She had to complete fifty hours of approved therapy within her parole period. While she had a full year to complete it, the thought of fifty whole hours of talking to a therapist was dismal. Anna had sat through the three mandatory counselling sessions during her prison rehabilitation. Her young therapist had crossed her legs, leaned in towards Anna and eagerly told her that talking healed all wounds. She urged Anna to open up and share her life story. All Anna could think of at the time was the way her mama had laughed at the telenovelas – television shows – that depicted couples sitting down with a therapist.
‘Only crazy people tell their problems to strangers, mi amor,’ she would say to a young Anna. ‘Forgetting is much easier.’
Even as a child, Anna had wondered if that made sense. But sitting in front of a woman she’d just met, with a notebook in her hand, ready to judge Anna’s every mistake, she couldn’t deny that her mama was right: trying to forget felt easier than talking.
Jeanette waved her hand around. ‘I know what you’re thinking, but seriously, I need you to put some of your positive attitude towards this part of your healing. Therapy is just as important as keeping a job.’
‘How?’
Jeanette put her cup down and took a deep breath. ‘Look, Anna, I really like you. I could tell from the minute I met you that you have a good heart. But you did some bad stuff. You’ve paid for it and you deserve a fresh start now. I know I’ve said that before, but I mean a really fresh start. It’s not enough to move on. You have to heal that old part of yourself.’
Anna pictured Jake then, in that final moment, his eyes wide with fear. She closed her eyes. She didn’t want to remember – if she let the memories overcome her, Anna wasn’t sure she could keep going. A warm hand was on hers and Anna opened her eyes to Jeanette’s sympathetic smile.
‘I don’t think I need therapy. I don’t … I don’t remember a lot of it. You know, because of the drugs. I think it’s better if it stays forgotten.’
‘It’s not forgotten, Anna. It’s in there.’ Jeanette nodded to Anna’s forehead. ‘It’ll come back to you. That’s when most girls go back to that life, to force the memories away. I don’t want that to happen to you, Anna.’
Anna sipped her tea. ‘So what, I just have to go talk to a therapist? Tell them about my past and stuff?’
‘You could. Or you could try an alternative kind of therapy. A support group, maybe? Sometimes connecting with other people in the same boat is more helpful than one-on-one therapy.’
Support. Connection. Anna thought of the flyer. She took out her phone and flicked to the photo she’d taken that afternoon.
‘Would this count?’ She handed her phone to Jeanette. As Jeanette studied the photo, a look Anna couldn’t figure out flashed across her face. But then she smiled.
‘I think it would definitely count.’
Anna checked her phone for the time as she jumped off the bus and hurried down the road. It was Friday evening and she’d caught the bus from outside McDonald’s once her shift was over to travel the ten minutes to the Women’s Circle. All day, Anna had felt queasy about it. She couldn’t even eat her burger for lunch; she felt like it would come back up. She couldn’t explain her nerves. Jeanette had been with her when she’d called Nina to ask about the circle. Nina had sounded nice on the phone, and told Anna that they had new members all the time and she was very welcome to come along. Jeanette had prodded her to mention that she’d need to sign a form for Anna, so the circle meetings could count as a therapy. Nina hadn’t missed a beat. ‘Of course. I’m so glad you’ve chosen our circle as part of your healing process.’
But still, her nerves had stuck around all day and were intense now that she was nearing the building number. She was still on Parramatta Road, walking past shop fronts and buildings piled together like Lego. She passed a dozen restaurants, a Thai massage parlour, and paused outside a cake shop she hadn’t seen before that boasted South American sweets, but she decided she was too queasy with nerves to even manage a slice of her favourite caramel torte. And then she arrived. The shop front was painted a pale blue. The windows were so heavily tinted Anna couldn’t see anything other than the reflection of the road and cars. On the closed door there was a simple framed sign: Women’s Wellness Centre. There was a sticky note on the frame: Women’s Circle tonight 7 pm. Come on in! Anna’s tummy was jumping about. She wanted to turn back and run down the road. But her hand reached out and turned the doorknob and she stepped inside.
Entering the centre felt like entering a different world. The large space was dimly lit with dozens of scattered candles. The warm air was filled with sweet scents and felt soothing compared to the stifling heat outside. Several women were standing around, some alone, others in pairs, chatting quietly. In the centre of the room was a circle of brightly coloured cushions, in the middle of which lay a dark purple mat decorated with differently shaped crystals and more candles. A large, pale pink crystal sat in the centre of the mat, bigger than all the others put together. It was brighter in its centre and seemed to reflect all of the light in the room. Anna touched her bare neck as she realised the pink of the crystal was identical to the stones of the butterfly necklace she had worn for so long. She felt a strong urge to go over and touch the crystal.
‘Hello, you must be Anna?’
Anna hadn’t noticed a woman walk right up to her. She looked up at her in awe. The woman was far taller than her and wore a long, flowing white dress that showed off her flawless tanned skin. Her blonde hair hung in waves down her back and her green eyes were bright, even in the darkness of the room. She smiled at Anna.
‘Yes. Hi.’
The woman offered her hand. ‘I’m Nina. Welcome to circle.’
‘Oh. Thanks.’
Nina instructed Anna to remove her shoes and place them on the shelf by the door, and to choose a cushion to sit on. As Anna complied, Nina picked up a brass bowl with a matching stick and gently tapped on it, sending a gong-like sound through the room.
‘When you’re ready, ladies, please take a seat.’ Nina’s gentle voice was firm enough that every woman in the room immediately moved to the circle and sat down. Anna chose a bright blue cushion directly opposite Nina. The woman sitting on the cushion next to her, who looked about Anna’s age, smiled at her as she sat down. Anna faltered for a moment, wondering if the woman had her confused with someone she knew.
‘Welcome,’ the woman whispered. Anna smiled back then focused her attention on Nina.
‘Good evening, everyone,’ Nina began as she sat cross-legged at the head of the circle. The group murmured greetings to her. ‘You are all so welcome here tonight. What a week it’s been! Have you noticed some anxious feelings?’
There were lots of sounds of agreement from the group. Anna didn’t respond.
‘Me too. It’s Mercury in retrograde. Don’t worry, it will pass. Tonight we’ll focus our meditation on connecting to our higher selves, achieving that deep sense of peace we all have within us. That will help you as we ride this retrograde out, I promise.’
Anna looked around the group, wondering if anybody understood what Nina was talking about. What the hell was a Mercury retrograde?
‘All right, we’ll start this evening with our usual deep connection practice. For our new members,’ Nina nodded slightly at Anna and smiled, ‘we start our circles by connecting with each other through eye gazing. It’s a simple practice that reminds us that we are all part of the one source. We hold hands with the other woman, look into her eyes and take three deep breaths. Then we can hug each other if we feel comfortable to do that and move on to another woman.’
Anna’s face must have shown her confusion. Nina laughed softly. ‘How about I demonstrate first; it’s a good reminder for all of us. Anna, would you feel okay demonstrating with me?’ Nina stood up and walked over to Anna. Once Anna was standing as well, Nina took both of her hands in hers and held them tightly. ‘Okay, just look into my eyes and try and see beyond my physical form. Let’s take three deep breaths together.’
Anna tried very hard to look into Nina’s eyes, but Nina’s intense gaze made her want to turn away. She blinked far more than necessary but managed to keep her eyes on Nina’s.
‘Deep breath,’ Nina reminded.
Anna filled her lungs and as she released the breath, she noticed Nina’s eyes flash. She held Nina’s gaze. Beyond the green of Nina’s eyes, she could see another light, like one of the candles, only brighter. It was so familiar to Anna, as though she had seen this light many times before.
‘Last breath.’
Anna breathed in deeply again, but the brighter light was gone and she was looking again into Nina’s beautiful green eyes.
‘May I hug you?’ Nina asked. Anna nodded. Nina placed her arms around Anna, holding her tightly. Anna only just reached Nina’s shoulders and she felt very aware of all the other women sitting around them watching as she hugged this stranger. But when Nina whispered in her ear, ‘Thank you for being here tonight’, Anna let her body relax and hugged Nina back. Too soon, Nina stepped away and grinned. ‘It’s as easy as that.’ She returned to her spot, but remained standing. ‘Ladies, I will play some nice music. Let’s take the next five minutes to connect with each other.’
Anna watched as women gravitated towards each other, reaching out for each other’s hands and staring into each other’s eyes. It all felt so weird and Anna regretted coming as she stood awkwardly by her cushion. Anna remembered a seriously strange girl who came in to prison last year telling everyone she’d been raised in a cult in the mountains. She’d told them they had to start the day by hugging every single person who lived there for two minutes each. Then the inmates spent the day cooking for a cafe and microdosing all the food with psychedelics. Anna shivered thinking about that weirdo. Was that what this was? Some kind of cult? A tall, lanky woman came over to Anna and interrupted her thoughts.
‘Hey,’ she said, smiling and reaching out her hands. Anna tried to smile. No part of her wanted to take this woman’s hands and look into her eyes. But she thought of the form in her backpack. She needed it signed. She just had to get through the next hour, ask Nina to sign it, then find some other kind of therapy to make up the rest of her hours. She would take talking to a therapist over this strange hand-holding and eye-gazing stuff any day.
She held the woman’s bony hands and looked up into her eyes as she breathed in. She noticed the other woman’s eyes twitching and wondered if she felt as uncomfortable as her. She smiled. The woman smiled back and the twitching stopped. They breathed the next two breaths in unison. They didn’t hug, but the woman squeezed Anna’s hands.
‘It’s nice to meet you,’ she said.
‘Same.’ And Anna kind of meant it.
The next few minutes were filled with more awkwardness, but Anna was surprised to find that she didn’t mind eye gazing with most of the women. With a few of them, she felt extra weird and just wanted to look down at her feet instead. But with some of the women it was all right. Almost comfortable, like she already knew them. Anna tried to remember the last time she’d looked into anyone’s eyes. In prison she’d spent the most time with Sam and she couldn’t even be sure what colour her eyes were. She couldn’t picture Jeanette’s eyes, either. Or Sako’s or Talia’s.
When the soft music that had been playing came to an end, everyone returned to their cushions. Nina seemingly floated into a seated position.
‘That was beautiful, thank you all for that connection,’ Nina said. ‘Now we’re going to begin the guided meditation. Please make yourself comfortable and open up to the process. This is going to be a deep one, so please try and let go.’
Anna watched as everyone resettled themselves. Some women lay down with their heads on their cushion, others adjusted their sitting position. Anna decided to lie down. She wasn’t sure if it was the soft piano music or the scented candles flickering, but she suddenly felt exhausted. She curled up into a ball, her head resting on the cushion, and followed Nina’s breathing instructions.
‘Feel the day leave your body. All stress, thoughts and tension are floating away now. We send them out into the universe with light so that they may be transformed into something positive. We are surrounded by love …’ Nina’s voice faded and Anna drifted off.
Anna was aware that she existed, but she had no body. She wasn’t floating; she was just there. She was in the same room, watching the women with their eyes closed, Nina’s tranquil voice guiding them. Anna watched herself. Her body was curled up and she was hugging her knees. She seemed so small, almost like a child. Anna felt light in this place of nowhere. The large pink crystal in the centre of the circle caught her attention and without moving, she was somehow seeing it up close. Anna noticed the crystal was rough and yet smooth in other spots – perfectly imperfect. Anna knew she had somehow held it in her hands before; she remembered the crystal cradled in her palms. But they weren’t her hands. She knew that those delicate, pale hands belonged to another woman in another time.
Nina’s voice became louder, calling her back from this nowhere place. Anna didn’t want to go back yet. She watched as other women stretched and moved about, sitting up again with their legs crossed. She saw her body remain still. Nina’s voice was louder again and Anna saw, through Nina’s eyes, a light floating above the crystal. Nina spoke directly to the light.
‘Time to come back here,’ she said firmly.
Anna’s eyes opened and she gasped for air. What the hell had that been? Another dream? She sat up, looking around, sure everyone must be wondering what was wrong with her. But they were all sitting peacefully, their attention on Nina as she closed the group. Anna couldn’t hear what she was saying; all she could think about was what she’d seen. Why had she dreamed like that? She looked back at the crystal, sitting in the centre of the circle. It hadn’t moved. But she’d seen it up close. She hadn’t been in her body.
The women around her stood up and began packing away cushions, putting their shoes back on. Feeling as though she may still be half asleep, Anna finally rose and followed them. Nina stood by the door, hugging each woman as she left and wishing her a good week ahead. Anna took her time putting her shoes on and fishing the form out of her bag for Nina to sign.
‘How did you enjoy the circle, Anna?’ Nina asked as she took the form and pen Anna handed her and signed without reading it. Anna tucked it back into her backpack.
‘It was good.’
‘Did you experience
anything unusual?’ Nina seemed to be prompting her and Anna thought of how, in her dream, she’d looked through Nina’s eyes at the ball of light.
‘The whole thing was a bit weird for me,’ Anna admitted.
Nina laughed. ‘I get that. I’ve been doing this for years now, but I can see how it would seem weird.’
‘Yeah. Well, thanks.’ Anna went to leave, but Nina touched her arm.
‘I was actually wondering if you wanted to have a look at the crystal?’ Nina nodded her head to the circle.
‘Um. I guess.’
Anna followed Nina to the centre of the circle and sat down on the purple mat with her.
Nina touched the crystal with the tip of her fingers. ‘This is a rose quartz, which is actually a very common crystal, but there are a lot of anomalies with this one.’
‘What do you mean?’ Anna noticed that the crystal looked identical up close to how it had looked in her dream.
‘Its energy. It’s very different to a normal rose quartz. It holds a far more intense energy.’
‘Energy? Like electricity?’
Nina shook her head. ‘Close your eyes and touch the crystal, as gently as you can with the tip of your fingers.’
Anna did exactly as Nina instructed. When her fingertip found the cool, sharp edge of the crystal, she felt a jolt, like an electric shock, transfer from her finger all the way up her arm. She pulled her hand away.
‘What was that?’ she asked.
Nina grinned. ‘You felt it?’
Anna rubbed her finger on her leg. ‘Yeah, it was like touching an electric fence.’
Nina nodded. ‘That’s the anomaly of this crystal. Usually a rose quartz only sends out a gentle hum of energy. Which is what most people feel when they touch this.’
Anna raised her eyebrows.
‘It might feel warm in their hands,’ Nina explained.
‘That felt way more than warm.’
The Women's Circle Page 4