Just as Anna was about to shut down her register, a familiar woman dressed in a wrinkled top and worn-out jeans came up to the counter. ‘Anna?’
Anna wasn’t sure how she knew her, until she noticed the fading red scars around the corners of her mouth and cheeks. ‘Yeah,’ Anna said.
‘You don’t remember me? Callie.’ The woman’s hand slapped her own chest. ‘It’s been ages, man. Where have you been?’
‘Just around.’
Callie nodded. ‘You look really good. Weird seeing you, huh!’
‘Yeah, weird. Did you want to order something?’ Anna hated that she couldn’t place Callie. She’d obviously spent time with her and there was definitely the niggling of a memory, but nothing clear.
‘Thanks, yeah, can I get a Big Mac Meal?’
Anna typed it in. ‘$11.80’
‘Any friend’s discount?’ Callie grinned.
‘I don’t get discounts.’ Anna wanted Callie gone. A queue was forming behind her and she knew Brayden would be over in a minute to take over her register.
‘Fair enough.’ Callie tapped her card on the EFTPOS machine. ‘Hey, how’s Jake? I haven’t seen him around either, it’s like you two disappeared.’
Nobody had said Jake’s name to Anna in over six years. A deafening buzz filled Anna’s ears and everything went white. Sweat prickled her skin and she struggled to breathe. She stumbled backwards, her knees transforming to jelly.
Anna’s body was on fire; she was burning from the inside out. Somebody was talking to her and she tried to open her eyes, but the room was too bright.
‘Anna, I need you to look at me. I’m going to administer your dose of methadone now, so you may feel a little nauseous.’
A dark laugh escaped Anna’s throat. She was dying and they were worried about her throwing up? A needle pricked her upper arm and the fire within her diluted.
‘Anna, can you please try to open your eyes? I need to tell you something very important.’ Anna squeezed her eyes shut tighter. She knew what this doctor was going to say. She was in a prison detox centre. She would be spending the next six years of her life in prison.
‘Anna.’ The doctor’s voice was harsh now and Anna relented, opening her eyes. But as the doctor began speaking, Anna remembered the other truth. The one she wasn’t ready to face.
‘It’s about your boyfriend …’
‘Can I get some water?’ Brayden’s voice was loud as he eased Anna into a sitting position on the floor. He held a cup to her lips and as Anna sipped the water, she became aware of her pulse in her ears. The buzzing quieted and the white faded. She drank some more and soon she could feel the cool sweat on her skin, her breathing shallow but steady.
‘Hey, are you all right?’ Brayden asked when she looked up at him. He was squatting beside her, still holding on to her arm. She pulled away and stood up. Her head spun for a second but she didn’t fall.
‘I’m fine. Sorry, I just felt really sick.’
A laugh came from the other side of the counter. ‘I’ve heard that before. You haven’t changed so much, huh Anna?’
‘Fuck off, whoever you are,’ Anna spat at her before she could stop herself. Brayden stood up and apologised to Callie, but she waved him off.
‘All good, mate, all good. Junkies say all kinds of things.’ Smirking at Anna, Callie grabbed her meal from the counter and left.
Brayden turned back to Anna. ‘Anna, I know you’re not feeling well, but you can’t swear at customers. Even if they’re talking crap.’ Brayden’s voice cracked a little as he spoke and his eyes were full of concern.
‘Sorry. I won’t swear at anyone again. I better get home.’
‘Will you be all right to walk? Do you want me to order you an Uber?’
‘Nah, I’m good. Thanks. For the water and stuff.’
Brayden smiled. ‘Take it easy.’
As she stepped outside, Anna gulped the fresh air. She remembered Callie now. She’d been a regular buyer, jittering about as she passed money over and waited for her stash. She earned her money on the streets, selling herself to whomever she could. She would always hang around for ages after buying from Anna and Jake, talking rubbish.
As Anna reached the boarding house, she slowed her steps and took long, deep breaths. She pushed the memory of Callie to the back of her mind. And she tried to push the memory of Jake even further back.
Talia and Sako were in the kitchen when Anna walked in. Both were in their work uniforms; Sako was home from work and getting dinner ready, while Talia was eating before she headed off.
‘Hey,’ Anna said as she got herself a glass of water. She still felt light-headed.
‘Hi,’ Talia said, her mouth full of bacon and eggs. Anna wasn’t sure if she ate anything else.
‘You eating dinner tonight?’ Sako asked. The thought of food made Anna’s stomach lurch.
‘Nah, thanks. I’m just going to head to my room.’
‘You on a diet?’ Sako laughed.
‘Just feeling a bit sick.’
‘Okay, go to your room then, don’t pass it on to us.’ Sako went back to her cooking.
‘You all right?’ Talia asked. ‘There’s some paracetamol in the cupboard in the bathroom, help yourself.’
‘Thanks. I’m good.’
Talia shrugged and went back to her food.
‘Night.’ Anna headed to her room, hearing music in Mads’ room as she walked past. That’s who Callie had reminded her of today, Anna realised. Mads. She wondered if Mads made her money the same way. Anna didn’t care. She shut her bedroom door and lay down on her bed. She tried to close her eyes, but Callie’s smirk was all she could see. The way she had said his name, so casually. Like he was right around the corner.
Curled up against Jake’s sleeping body, Anna could almost forget this wasn’t their home. She could hear murmuring throughout the building. A fight erupted from one of the rooms, the voices intensifying. There was the sound of smashing glass followed by swearing. Junkies, Anna thought. She glanced at her arm, the scattered red marks, matching perfectly with Jake’s inner elbows. She supposed that’s what they were now, too.
‘No,’ Anna said aloud, refusing to remember anything further from that time. She had spent so long blocking him from her thoughts. It was easier to pretend he had never existed. Anna’s head was pounding. She wanted something. Just a little bit of something, so she could forget. She jumped up and went to the bathroom. The cabinet did have some paracetamol like Talia said, but that was as good as it got. The only other packets were antacids and Berocca. Anna slammed the cabinet shut and went back to her room. She moved the chair in front of the door before she lay down, as though the extra barrier would give her the strength to stay there. It would be so easy to go out and score now. And then she could forget the whole thing with Callie. Forget Jake again. Yes, she needed it.
Anna grabbed her bag and put on her shoes. Just as she started dragging the chair away, her phone beeped. The shrill sound shook her thoughts. She couldn’t do this. She knew what happened to reformed junkies when they started using again. They were done. She couldn’t survive rehab twice.
Anna threw her bag down, kicked off her shoes and took her phone to the bed, curling up on her side to read the message. Anna, I spoke to Brayden, you’re a star employee in his opinion. I’m proud of you! I’ll pop over tomorrow evening for a chat. Have a great night, Jeanette xo
Anna took a deep breath. How did Jeanette manage to give her so much comfort via a text message? And Brayden obviously wasn’t upset about earlier if he’d given her such a good report. Everything was going to be all right. She didn’t need anything. She had managed to forget Jake once; she could forget him again. Anna closed her eyes and an image of her old butterfly necklace filled her mind. She fell asleep admiring its beautiful wings, its pink stones like mini versions of the crystal from the circle, glowing.
CHAPTER SEVEN
BEFORE
ANNA TOOK A long, slow drag on the joint befo
re passing it to her boyfriend, Leo. Warm tingles spread through her body, every muscle relaxing and melting into others. She giggled and Leo raised his eyebrows at her.
‘You’re so soft, smashed after one drag,’ he teased and passed the joint back to her. Before she could put it to her lips, he leaned over and kissed her, filling her mouth with pungent smoke. Anna forced herself to match Leo’s enthusiasm. She liked him, they’d been dating – or smoking together and kissing – for a couple of weeks, but she didn’t feel like kissing him right now. All she really wanted to do was enjoy the buzz and lie in ignorant bliss for the afternoon. Anna wanted to forget the fight that was waiting for her when she returned home. That morning as she’d left for school, Tita had come in to her room, holding a packet of cigarettes in her hand, screeching about finding them on the kitchen table as though it were acceptable for a fourteen-year-old to smoke. Anna had screamed back, right in Tita’s face, so close she could see the little red veins in her grandmother’s eyes. She had told Tita that she was old enough to do whatever she wanted, snatched the cigarettes from Tita’s hand and stormed out of the house while still zipping up the skirt of her uniform. Anna had been trying to push her grandmother’s face from her mind all day; the hurt in her eyes and wobble of her chin as she’d watched Anna scream at her. When Leo had asked if she wanted to skip afternoon classes and head to the abandoned factory he and his friends had claimed as their hangout, Anna had eagerly agreed.
Leo broke away from their kiss, panting and laughing. He pulled Anna’s fingers, which still gripped the joint, towards his mouth, took another drag and then lay back on the cold concrete floor, using his arms as a pillow for his head as he watched Anna finish the joint. She stubbed the butt out and then curled up beside him, lying her head on his chest and looking up at the thousands of cracks on the roof above them. She tried to count them, but her eyes felt heavy. Closing her eyes, she imagined it wasn’t Leo’s arms she was in, but her mama’s. She pretended she was a ten-year-old girl again, curled up against her mama, her head resting against her chest, listening to her mama’s heartbeat. Cruelly, it was their final cuddle, when her mama was dying from cancer, that Anna remembered the most vividly.
Mama stroked her hair, her tears falling freely over Anna’s face. Despite her sadness, Anna had been almost asleep in her mama’s arms when there was a whisper in her ear.
‘I have only one thing I want you to always remember, Anna. Will you promise me, mi amor, that you’ll never forget this one thing?’
‘I promise,’ Anna replied, her voice thick with sleep.
‘I love you, more than you can ever know. And I will always, always be with you.’
Anna woke up alone with a stiff neck in the darkness of the empty factory. There was no sign of Leo or his friends anywhere and she tried not to feel hurt that he would leave without waking her. Maybe she would do the same thing, just leave him there alone, in the dark. She stood up slowly, stretching her arms above her head before grabbing her school bag and leaving. The sun had almost completely set and she held her bag tightly against her body, very aware of the reputation of this block of streets. When she saw a group of men up ahead, sitting around smoking, she crossed the street and walked faster, ignoring their whistles and catcalls. Anna was out of breath by the time she reached the safety of Tita’s block. She knew everybody who lived in the surrounding streets and they knew her. Neighbours often stopped by for afternoon tea and when she was younger, she would accompany Tita to their houses for the same. She waved now at everybody she passed. Some were tending to their gardens, others standing by their fences, chatting to other neighbours.
‘You’re home very late, Anna, where have you been?’ Señora Mendes called out as Anna walked past the old lady sitting on her balcony.
‘Studying with friends, Señora,’ Anna called back through clenched teeth. Señora Mendes continued to talk to Anna’s back about how young women should never walk alone at night, but Anna just waved and kept going. She let herself in with her key, quietly placed her bag and shoes away and went straight to the bathroom. She brushed her teeth, washed her face and threw her clothes into the laundry basket, changing into a pair of pyjamas. She didn’t think Tita knew the difference between cigarette smoke and marijuana, but she didn’t want to take the risk. By the time she came out, Tita was sitting at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of soup silently. She didn’t look up at Anna, but there was a place set for her at the table, a bowl of steaming soup, cazuela, waiting for her. Anna’s stomach growled loudly and she sat at the table, also eating in silence. Tita’s presence was a block of ice and Anna wished she could ask her mama how she should thaw her. She knew her mama had not got along with Tita, but Anna had never asked her questions; she’d been far too young to even wonder why they had fought. Anna would give anything for Mama to be sitting with her at the table now. She would tell her all about Leo leaving her alone in the factory. Her mama would have sworn, called him filthy names and told Anna she was far too good for him and that she should never speak to him again. Anna reached up and touched the butterfly of her necklace. Tita coughed.
‘I’m sorry about this morning, Tita. I should not have shouted at you,’ Anna mumbled, staring down at her bowl.
‘Look at me, Anna.’ Tita rarely called Anna by her name. Anna looked up and was surprised to find Tita’s eyes watery. The lines that usually defined her mouth harshly when she was angry were now soft.
‘You are making the same mistakes as your mother, no. Listen to me.’ Tita placed her hand firmly on Anna’s arm when she tried to protest. ‘I loved your mama, I love her, I think about her every day.’ Tita paused and closed her eyes. Anna felt a fire rising in her chest, but she kept her mouth shut. Tita continued speaking, with her eyes closed. ‘But she made many mistakes. Same age as you, she was out every day after school, sometimes not going to school, smoking, drinking, sleeping with boys. She threw her life away. I –’
Anna yanked her arm from her grandmother’s hold, her chair falling backward as she stood. ‘She threw her life away by having me, is that what you’re saying? I was a mistake?’
Tita flinched as though Anna had slapped her. ‘No, that’s not at all what I’m saying, nanita, you are not a mistake, I’m trying to –’
‘You’re just as awful as Mama always said you were!’ Anna spat. ‘I was the best thing that ever happened to Mama, she told me all the time. You’re the one who ruined her life. And now you’re trying to ruin mine.’ Anna picked up her empty bowl and threw it across the room, watching it smash onto the tiled floor. Tita made a strange wailing sound and brought both hands to her mouth, looking at Anna as though she were a stranger. And in that second, Anna felt like one. Who the hell was she? How could she have just said those things to her grandmother? The grandmother who was always forcing her to eat and worrying she wasn’t getting enough sleep. But then Tita’s words rolled around in her mind – all the mistakes her mama had made, that she’d thrown her life away. Anna ran to her room, slammed the door and lay down on her bed, pulling the covers over her face.
Eventually Anna heard the sound of a pan and broom sweeping up the broken bowl, of water running and dishes being washed and dried. She imagined her grandmother doing all of these jobs alone, the lines around her mouth soft and her eyes red and tired. Part of Anna was horrified at her own actions and wanted to apologise, to help Tita clean up. But she remained in her bed. Much later, when the house was quiet and dark, she drifted into a restless sleep, her dreams filled with images of her mama running away from her.
Anna woke up early the next morning and was surprised to hear Tia Sofia’s voice. Sofia had married the year before and now lived closer to the city and her job, usually only visiting on weekends. Anna’s fight with Tita the night before felt like a bad dream and Anna wondered if she should skip breakfast and rush off to school without facing Tita, or Sofia, who surely knew all about it now. But before she could decide, there was a knock at her door and Sofia came in without waiting f
or an answer. From the way she smiled sadly, Anna could tell she knew every detail of last night. Anna sat up in bed, resting her head against the wall.
‘Can we talk?’ Sofia asked softly. Anna nodded. Sofia leaned down and kissed Anna’s forehead and then sat beside her, legs stretching out on the bed.
‘I’m an awful human,’ Anna said, meaning it. She knew what a bitch she had been. No matter what Tita had said to her, Anna knew she’d just been trying to protect her, save her from whatever mistakes she thought Anna was making. Anna knew in her heart Tita had never believed that Mama shouldn’t have had her – or if she did at the time, she wouldn’t feel like that now.
‘You’re not awful,’ Sofia said and elbowed her gently in the ribs. ‘But what you did, it was pretty awful. Tita is an old lady, Anna. She’s almost eighty; she can’t cope with fights like that. Throwing your bowl across the room?’ Sofia laughed gently and shook her head. ‘You are so much like your mama that it’s crazy. Two hotheads.’
‘We probably would have fought a lot,’ Anna said, her voice breaking.
Sofia put her arm around Anna’s shoulders. ‘Maybe. I wish we’d been able to find out.’ They sat silently for a while, Anna leaning her head on Sofia’s shoulder. Too soon, she kissed Anna’s forehead again and stood up. ‘I’ve got to get going, I’m so late for work.’
Anna nodded. ‘Thanks for coming over. I promise, no more throwing bowls.’
Sofia grinned. ‘I get it, you know,’ she said, leaning down and whispering, ‘She drives me crazy sometimes too, but her heart is always in the right place. Just humour her, will you? And if you need to talk to anyone, about anything at all, will you call me?’
‘I will. Thanks, Tia.’ Anna stood up and hugged her aunty before going out to face her grandmother.
The Women's Circle Page 6