The Women's Circle

by Karyn Sepulveda

  ‘Were you a junkie?’ Anna asked and Nina’s face fell.

  ‘I was a drug addict, yes. Ten years ago, I was charged with possession and put on a good behaviour program. Jeanette was my social worker and supported me through rehab.’

  Anna felt as though the floor had opened and she was falling through it uncontrollably. How could Nina have been a drug addict? She was so balanced, so calm and vibrant. Why had she needed drugs? Maybe she was still using and that’s what the whole craziness of the crystal was. It was one big joint hallucination between two crazy people. Anna’s throat tightened and she felt tears pricking her eyes. The hurt and betrayal pulsing through her made her want to smash something to pieces. She had to get out of there before she lost it. Yanking her bag from the shelf, she barged past Jeanette and Nina, ignoring their protests for her to stay. Once out in the cool night air, she gulped for breath. She had taken barely a few steps when she heard footsteps thudding behind her, and then Nina was by her side.

  ‘Anna, stop.’ Nina grabbed her arm and the strength of her grasp startled Anna for a moment.

  Anna jerked her arm away, folded her arms across her chest and turned to face Nina, who was shivering without a jumper on. ‘What?’

  Nina’s face transformed. Her eyes narrowed and she seemed to grow even taller so that she was towering over Anna as she stepped forward. ‘Drop the victim story, right now. Okay, when I realised Jeanette was your social worker, I should have mentioned I knew her. But you know what, I didn’t out of care for you.’ Anna rolled her eyes and Nina raised her eyebrows. ‘You’re not the only person in the world who has suffered, Anna. I have a long, painful story that I’m not interested in telling anyone. Jeanette helped me turn my page and start again, so I won’t apologise for not telling you about my history with drugs.’

  ‘Even when you knew how much I was struggling with comparing meditation to drug taking?’ Anna lifted her chin.

  ‘Even then. I knew you were strong enough to resist. You’re strong enough to start afresh like I did – you already have. But if you keep this story in your head that you’re the only one who’s been through pain, then you’re just going to push people away.’

  Anna turned to start walking away. She didn’t want to listen to anything this lying woman had to say. Nina wasn’t even close to the person Anna had thought she was.

  ‘Stop.’ Nina’s voice was loud and firm. Anna stopped walking but didn’t turn around. ‘I don’t care if you’re angry with me. It makes me sad because we were developing a lovely friendship. But it’s your choice. However, you have absolutely no reason to be angry with Jeanette. She couldn’t have told you that she’d been my social worker anyway, that’s confidential. I’m surprised she came tonight, but everything happens for a reason, so maybe this is another layer of your healing. Perhaps you need to realise that none of us is perfect. We’re just doing our best.’ Nina sounded so young and vulnerable, and a big part of Anna wanted to turn around and hug her. But she couldn’t look at her the same way. Anna didn’t want to know any of this. She wished Jeanette had stayed home tonight and Anna could go on pretending that she was getting somewhere with her life. Instead, Anna felt like it was all a joke. No-one had it together. ‘Having it together’ probably wasn’t even possible.

  As she walked away from Nina, Anna felt exhausted by life. Tired of trying to keep herself on track, of staying away from drugs. It was a battle she would probably never win. There would come a day when she’d feel too upset or too weak to fight an easy escape, and then she’d use again. It was inevitable that she would end up like Mads, so what was the point? Anna knew what she had to do.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  THERE WAS AN icy chill in the air as Anna walked down a familiar street in the centre of the city and she pulled her jacket around her middle, trying to stop from shivering. She’d been here so many times with Jake, either scoring or selling. While in some ways her days here felt like a lifetime ago, her feet knew which direction to take without Anna needing to think. It was as though she’d never left. She heard the familiar fusion of laughter, shouting and distant music. She imagined Jake beside her, walking with his hands in his pockets and head down, twitching, having waited too long between hits. Anna noticed two guys talking outside a convenience store and moved towards them. They didn’t look up at her as she approached, but when she stopped beside them, her hands in her pockets and her mind in meltdown, they stopped and looked at her expectantly.

  ‘Whatever you have,’ she said and pulled out a fifty-dollar note. One of them raised his eyebrows, looked her up and down, glanced around them, then took the money. The other guy slipped a small bag from his pocket, handed it to her and smiled.

  ‘Have fun,’ he said, his voice slightly slurred. ‘You can party with us, if you want, chica,’ he said, imitating what she guessed was a Mexican accent. Without a word, Anna snatched the bag from him, spun on her heel and walked away.

  Her feet transported her to the park. By the time her mind had caught up with her body, Anna was already sitting on the bench. She looked up, taking in the familiar surroundings. The ancient trees, with gigantic branches spreading high and wide, illuminated by evenly placed lights in the ground and casting eerie shadows. Anna shivered and searched the path in front of her. Where was the exact spot Jake had died? Had he suffered? Despite the blur of those final, panicked moments, she knew his death had been fast. He was already dead by the time the ambulance arrived. She remembered the terror in his eyes as he realised he was dying. Or maybe she was imagining that. She’d learned in rehab about the adrenaline that pumped through the bodies of ice addicts, giving them what appeared to be superhuman strength and sending them into fits of rage. Maybe Jake hadn’t had a clue what was happening when he was dying.

  Anna turned the bag over and over in her hands. If she took this, in a few minutes she would forget everything. She would forget Jake. She wouldn’t care about Jeanette and Nina lying to her. She wouldn’t worry that she was going crazy. She wouldn’t care about anything. She would be in that nothingness. Anna opened the bag.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  BEFORE

  ANNA’S PHONE WAS vibrating in her pocket, startling her from sleep. In the dark, it took a moment for her to figure out where she was. She could hear a consistent drip of liquid leaking from an overhead pipe and low voices talking close by. The smells of sweat and stale urine filled her nostrils. She reached into her pocket and looked at the phone. Her stomach sank when she saw Tia Sofia had called. Anna shoved the phone back in her pocket and lay down again on the shabby mattress she’d been sleeping on, pulling the threadbare blanket up around her shoulders. She was so cold it felt as though her bones were made of ice and she knew that if she started shivering she wouldn’t be able to stop. She gripped the blanket, bit her lips and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the banging inside of her head. Her body needed a hit, now.

  She didn’t want this life. There was more than this; she was more than this. If she just had a small hit, though, she’d feel so much better. Then she’d be able to concentrate on getting her life back together. Anna felt around the mattress for her stuff. She had no idea where Jake had gone; she was pretty sure he’d fallen asleep with her that morning. She hoped he’d left something for her. Anna sighed when she found it and set about getting her arm ready. She heated the powder into a liquid and drew it into the syringe. It took some time to find a good vein, but when she finally did, the relief was instant. The banging in her head evaporated. She didn’t care about getting clean anymore, she didn’t care when Jake would be back, she didn’t care about life. Anna lay back, no longer disturbed by the disgusting, derelict building she and Jake were staying in. She stared at the peeling paint on the ceiling, wondering if the paint knew when it had been applied that one day it would disintegrate and flake away as though it were nothing. Anna closed her eyes.

  ‘Hey,’ Jake was shouting at her, nudging her with his foot. ‘Hey, where is it? Did you
use all of it?’ Anna rubbed at her face, trying to sit up, but her body was too heavy. She pulled the plastic pouch from up her sleeve, threw it at Jake and then rolled over. She could hear the desperation in his voice and feel it in his movements. After a few minutes he let out a long, low sigh and flopped down beside her on the mattress.

  Anna was lucid enough now to know that this situation was fucked. She hated needing this stuff so badly. She hated herself. She hated Jake for doing this to her. But she had no idea how to get herself out of it. She had no money, no home. Just a small backpack with a couple of changes of clothes. Sonja and Miguel had refused her many pleas to allow her to live with them again. She’d lost touch with Leah and everyone from university a long time ago. She had stopped answering Sofia’s sporadic phone calls; she was too ashamed to explain what her life had become. Anna had not one person she could call on. Except the arsehole who had dragged her into this excuse for a life in the first place.

  She realised Jake had been talking to her and was waiting for a response, but she didn’t have a clue what he’d said. She wanted to punch him in the face. She wanted to take back ever meeting him. Instead, she rolled over and faced away from him. But then Jake placed his arm gently around her waist, pushed his leg between hers so that he was cuddling her from behind. He stroked her face and whispered in her ear that he loved her. Despite her hatred, she turned to face him because he was all she had.

  ‘So what do you think?’ he asked. When she stared at him blankly he rolled his eyes and laughed, high enough to find her indifference towards him amusing. ‘About the deal tonight? I don’t know the guys, but Nick, you know Nick, right?’ Anna shrugged. ‘Anyway, Nick reckons he knows them and they want to set up regular deals. I’m talking fifty sachets twice a week. That’s big money, babe. We can finally get a place of our own, right?’ A dull thud was building in the centre of Anna’s forehead. ‘If we set this up, we’re on easy street! We’re meeting them at eight in the usual park.’ Jake crossed his arms behind his head and fell straight to sleep, his eyelids half open.

  Anna sat up and took in his dishevelled body – the bones protruding through his pale skin, the blistery red sores he constantly picked at around his neck. Anna knew she looked just as bad; that’s why she’d stopped looking in mirrors months ago. Her head throbbed as conflicting thoughts pushed and pulled in her mind. She didn’t want to be here. She wanted to be in her granny flat, or back in Chile. Anywhere but here. But she also wanted an escape. Would this big deal give them money to start again?

  Anna injected again and fell back into a dreamless sleep.

  Anna zipped the oversized jacket, one she’d dug out of a clothing bin a few days before, further up her neck and dug her trembling hands deeply into her pockets. It wasn’t just the cold of the early evening and gusty city winds that were making her shake. Anna had a strong feeling that something was very wrong. She and Jake had been waiting on the bench they’d been instructed to in the usual park they dealt in, just by Cleveland Street, to meet the new buyers. But whenever she’d come here with Jake to sell, it was by the entrance of the park, an open spot, not far from the road. They made quick exchanges so they didn’t bring attention to themselves. It wasn’t in the isolated centre of the park. There were a few lights in the ground that shone up at the trees, but beyond that it was dark; they wouldn’t be able to clearly see anyone approaching.

  ‘Seriously, Jake, let’s just go. We can go to the Cross and sell just as much,’ Anna tried again. But Jake ignored her, his jaw tightening and fists clenching. He was too close to needing another hit and Anna knew she wouldn’t be able to reason with him. Maybe she should just leave. Find a shelter or something like that. Maybe there’d be someone there to help her. She could get clean. She scratched at her wrist where a blister had burst; she felt as though her skin was crawling with ants.

  She’d get clean after tonight, maybe. Maybe Jake was right. Perhaps this would all go smoothly and they’d make some real money. Then Anna could start over. She could take her half, leave Jake and book in to one of those rehab places. Getting clean wouldn’t be that bad if she was in a place like that, she was sure. If she had enough money, someone would help her.

  Anna looked up when she heard footsteps approaching. Jake stood with a jerky, unbalanced movement and she wished he’d had a hit before he’d come; he was so on edge it was making her feel worse. She put her hand on his arm and whispered to calm down, but he yanked his arm from her touch.

  ‘Stay there and shut up,’ he hissed, his eyes dark and unrecognisable. He walked towards the two men. Anna couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she could tell from the way he was bouncing around on his feet that Jake was nervous. She had the fifty bags of ice up her top and once Jake gave her the okay she would walk over and pass them to the buyers as they gave the money to Jake.

  Anna squinted to see what was going on. In the dim light, the men seemed pretty relaxed, both standing with their feet wide apart, one with his arms folded, the other with his arms loosely by his side. As though they met drug dealers in the park every single day. Jake turned his head and nodded at Anna, so she took a deep breath and went over to join them, pulling her jacket more tightly around herself.

  ‘Hey,’ the younger of the two guys said to her. ‘You have it all?’

  ‘Don’t talk to her!’ Jake shouted. ‘I told you she’s got it. Now show us the money.’

  The guy held his hands up and let out a low, humourless laugh. ‘Take it easy, mate.’ He nodded to the other guy, who unzipped a bum bag and revealed a massive stash of hundred-dollar notes. Anna’s stomach flipped. Maybe this was all going to be okay. She could buy herself some new clothes, maybe even rent a hotel room and take a long bath. Then she’d be able to get clean.

  Jake nodded at her again, which she knew was her cue to pull out the stash. In the seconds that followed, time slowed and Anna saw herself reaching up her top to pull out the bags. Jake snatched the money offered from the older guy, holding the bag to his stomach without even counting it. The younger guy raised his eyebrows at the older guy, a look that Anna knew signalled Jake and Anna’s downfall. Anna tried to push the bags of ice back, to stop this from happening, but it was too late. The young guy had the stash in his hands. Now the older guy was shouting ‘police!’ and holding up an ID in one hand, pulling a gun from a holster beneath his shirt with the other and shouting at her and Jake to get down on the ground. Anna turned to Jake, their eyes locking on each other’s for what felt like an eternity. She saw in those seconds the guy she’d met on that first night. The guy full of admiration for her and full of enthusiasm for the future. The guy who had promised her a life she’d always wanted, filled with love and fun.

  And then it was as though a dark cloud fell upon him and she saw the Jake who’d pulled her through the gutter. His eyes narrowed and, before she could try to stop him, he lunged at the younger police officer, both of them falling to the ground in an angry thud. Jake was on top of him, punching him over and over, each fist landing with ugly force on the police officer’s face, splattering blood. The older police officer screamed at Jake to stop, to put his hands up. Jake ignored him; the police officer raised his gun. There was a deafening bang and Anna’s world became silent as Jake’s lifeless body fell to the ground.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  ANNA STUMBLED UP the front step of the boarding house and struggled to place her key in the lock of the front door. She could barely see through her tears. She’d been trying for the last few hours to stop crying, from the moment she’d tipped the white powder from the little plastic bag onto the ground.

  She had been so close to taking it. Just as Anna had opened the bag, a rustle of leaves in the tree behind her made her pause. Hands trembling as she gripped the small bag, Anna had turned towards the tree and seen a beady pair of eyes staring back at her, reflecting the dim light beneath the tree. The possum, with a baby on its back, scampered up the branch and out of sight. Anna thought of her mama and the
way she had carried Anna everywhere when she was small enough. Mama would clutch Anna, holding her tight against her body, as though she were too precious to ever lose. Anna had looked at the bag of white powder and wondered what Mama would think of her in this moment. You don’t need it anymore, mi corazón. You are strong enough to do anything. Anna had felt her mother’s words pulse through her and in a moment of clarity, she’d emptied the bag. Watching the white powder blow away in the sudden, fierce wind, she’d vowed that she would never go back to that life; she would never be the victim again. For the first time, she believed it. It was as though an invisible barricade within her had crumbled, and every emotion she’d pushed behind it for the last six years flooded through her. More, even. The emotions of most of her life, at least since her mother died. The grief of losing her mama, whose memory slipped further from her mind every day. The grief of losing her grandmother and the shame she felt at having treated her so badly. The hurt of being turned away, however politely, by Tia Sofia. The regret she felt at falling in love with someone who paved the way for her to so easily derail her own life. And the regret at pushing away the women who had shown her real support, who seemed to believe in Anna despite all of her mistakes. Anna had so monumentally messed up her life and yet Jeanette had not judged her once. She’d helped her with everything. And Nina. She’d opened her to a new world that she didn’t understand, but which gave her some kind of peace.

  Why do I ruin every chance I get? The thought brought a fresh sob from her throat and she quickly swallowed, roughly wiped at her eyes and tried again to gain control of herself. She finally managed to place her key in the lock and opened the door quietly, hoping to head straight to her room without being noticed.

  The dim light of the dodgy living room lamp meant Anna had to let her eyes adjust to the room before she could make out who was sitting on the couches. She gripped her keys tightly as she looked from Nina to Jeanette, then to Talia. They stood, their faces clouded with worry, as Anna came all the way into the room. Jeanette spoke first.