by Jan Spiller
Why We Try to Change Others
Although we are born on planet Earth as highly individualized beings, it is my belief that we also retain a deep-seated memory of the ultimate spiritual truth—that we are all One. It has been my experience that we often strive to create that sense of Oneness and unconditional Love with others by wanting to see them as being “just like us.” Of course this doesn’t work. In fact, our attempts to coerce others into being what we want them to be actually defeats the very intimacy and Love we most want to experience.
To try to change another person into something he/she isn’t is a waste of time and energy, and in the process the other person ends up feeling invalidated. Nobody wins. If someone does not appeal to your personal taste, it does not mean that they need to change. Rather, it is an indicator that they are not the right person for you to be deeply involved with at that point in time. (If the person in question is a close family member, they are in your life by right of birth and destiny. See “The Karmic Wheel in Relationships” in this Introduction, and Part III, The Aspects.)
It is the intention of this book to expose the different styles we use in our attempts to manipulate others into changing. By seeing these patterns, it is hoped that some of the unconscious tactics in your psyche that are undermining you will relax so you can more easily allow others to be themselves. This leaves you free to be yourself and to love and appreciate the differences of those around you.
The experience of true Oneness can never be achieved through “sameness.” It can only be created when it is based on the recognition that although—on the most profound level—we are all One, on the level of daily life, we are each on our own path, having the experiences we need to have in order to complete our curriculum of learning on planet Earth.
The Factor of Blame
Blame is a habit that becomes an insidious thief of time. It wastes energy and years of our lives. It fills our bodies with unpleasant sensations that can compromise our mental, emotional, and physical health. If we have a difficult experience and then criticize and judge others or ourselves, we surround ourselves with negative energy. As a result, the lens of our life becomes more constricted, which limits our experiences. But if we pass through each incident that life brings our way by consciously gleaning the lessons we need to learn and move on to new experiences—our world expands.
For example, I put my hand on a hot stove and then quickly withdraw it because it hurts. If I stay open to what I am experiencing, I am able to notice the details of the situation. The burner was on, it was red hot, and it was painful to touch. Having learned the lesson, in the future if I see a stove with a red burner I will know not to touch it. Learning that lesson gives me freedom from fear of stoves. I can visit other people who have stoves and use stoves for my own benefit.
However, if I react to the pain with blame, I may begin to criticize the stove for being itself, my hosts for owning an appliance that hurt me, or myself for being foolish enough to touch a “dangerous object.” In the end, I have wasted time, upset others, created negative emotions, learned nothing useful about stoves, decreased my sense of self-esteem, and increased my sense of being victimized by life. As a result of blaming, I may decide that I always have to be on the “lookout” for other things—or people—that might hurt me, which diminishes my enjoyment of life.
When we get hurt in relationships it’s generally because the other person didn’t treat us in the way that we expected. Perhaps we did not perceive them accurately, maybe they deliberately misrepresented themselves, or perhaps our expectations about how we “ought” to be treated prevented us from experiencing reciprocity in the situation. Either way, we have a choice about how we respond to our disappointment. We can become angry and blame the other person for our feelings, but this is simply a postponement of the inevitability of personal growth. Plus, when we blame another for our experience, we give them our power—we even say, “They have the power to hurt me.” The most empowering thing we can do is take responsibility and seek to grow from the experience. By asking ourselves “What is the Big Picture here, and what changes do I need to make in this situation?” we claim our power. Instead of saying: “You did this to me!” we are saying: “I have the power, and by using it differently, I can create a different result.”
In addition, bypassing blame also prevents us from spreading negative energy into the ethers of the planet. All of us are making a difference, right this very minute. We are either radiating anger, hate, blame, and upset…or love, serenity, trust, and goodwill. And in addition to affecting the whole Earth with the energy we emit, we also live in that vibrational field, so if we choose blame, we’re really causing ourselves to suffer twice over the same situation.
If there is someone in our past whom we still blame for betraying or hurting us, we remain bonded to them as long as we hold on to that blame. Ultimately, if the other person is unwilling to “work it out” with you, the process of forgiveness is your key to totally releasing the connection on your end. That way the energy between you will not become a karmic contract that continues into future lifetimes. This is why, as he was dying, Gandhi forgave his assassin.
Soul Stages
Although physically humankind may appear to be equal and look more or less the same, from the perspective of Buddhist philosophy there are many different evolutionary stages of Soul growth and spiritual development. We are all in the process of learning, growing, and evolving. It may take hundreds of lifetimes to complete one soul stage and move on to the next. Therefore, it is impossible to accurately discern what another person is experiencing.
When someone is on a more primary level of the spiritual evolutionary path, you may be able to understand them, but in some things they can’t really understand where you’re coming from. It’s like a third grader who’s excited about multiplication and tells a college physics major, “Multiplication is the greatest math secret in the world!” She easily understands multiplication, but the third grader hasn’t got a clue about the world of physics. He has many classrooms to pass through before he can glimpse the college student’s world.
My belief is that this is why some of us know better than to indulge in murder, rape, or stealing. We’ve already “been there, done that” in a past life and have experienced the unpleasant consequences. Now we know better. Others of us are newer souls on the planet and have not yet learned those lessons and so are perpetrating the crimes in order to experience the retribution—which is one way we can grow.
Seeing other people in terms of the “good guy” or “bad guy” works well in the movies to demonstrate the principles of good and evil, and of course, the good guy always wins, because ethical behavior is in alignment with Spiritual Law. But since the reality is that we are all at various stages of Soul growth, and learning different lessons, labeling and judging others is a meaningless waste of time and energy that just diverts our attention away from the lessons that we need to learn.
In addition to the Soul stage being a factor in how we use the “wiring” depicted in our individual birth chart, naturally the influence of heredity, environment, and conditioning also plays a part. Your internal wiring is pre-set—as is your physical body—but since you have free will, how you choose to use and develop it is up to you. We can choose to experience peace in our lives by consciously resolving to do no injury to another. For example, if I resolve to do no injury to my employees, I have peace in the workplace and gain a whole new awareness concerning what needs to happen there on a day-to-day basis for lasting success. In whatever area we resolve non-injury to others we will see a healthy new pathway begin to unfold as we move forward.
The Karmic Wheel in Relationships
Life on planet Earth offers us the opportunity to develop the maturity, wisdom, and integrity to consciously choose the high road in every situation, thus attracting more of the satisfying experiences that life freely offers us. Eventually we discover t
hat the Golden Rule—“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”—is, in fact, a very practical lesson.
In the bigger picture of multiple lifetimes, no one gets away with anything. What we do to someone else we do to ourselves. In this lifetime or another, “what goes around, comes around” as we step forward into recognizing our basic unity. In fact, we can tell the harm we have done to others in the past by what we are presently experiencing in our lives. If we are currently being abused in a relationship, we have been the abuser; if we experience betrayal in this lifetime, we have previously been the betrayer; if we feel no one cares about us, it’s because in the past we haven’t cared about others; etc.
When we “settle” in a relationship, it generally means we have elected to go through another incarnation playing out the role of perpetrator or victim—one side or the other of the Karmic wheel. And so it goes, lifetime after lifetime, until we consciously choose compassion and forgiveness—for the other person and ourselves—and refuse to play out either side of the polarity, then we can break the chains of the past and become effective in pro-actively creating what we really want to experience in our relationships.
Karma can also be resolved not only through compassion and forgiveness, but also by the deliberate intention to create win-win situations with the other people in our important relationships. The astrological connections between you and another will show what past life interactions were involved, the unfinished business that remains, and the specific ways you can resolve any karma with this particular Soul (see Part III, The Aspects).
In situations involving conflict, you can only be responsible for your part—to behave with as much integrity as you can with the information you have at the time. It’s a process. In the end, if your intention has been harmlessness, and you truly desire to create a win-win resolution with the other person, Love will be the overriding energy. It’s a secret process—only you will know within yourself when you have done your best. The rest is God’s job.
The Power of Intention
Recently, a friend mentioned: “You always use the word ‘success’—that seems to be what’s on your mind.” I thought about it and asked: “Is there really an alternative? It’s not as if we would choose ‘almost succeeding’ as our goal!”
For me, the word “success” = what works to allow me to manifest the desires of my heart in a way that produces true joy. And success in relationships, like anything else, largely depends on the intention to “get it right”—the determination to create success in an area that can be challenging. The best attitude to start with is: “What will it take to make this work in a way that creates a win-win situation for both partners?” Along with correct intention, success also requires the willingness to experiment with different approaches until you see what actually works in each specific situation or relationship.
Eventually, in this lifetime or another, each of us will go through whatever we need to experience in order to learn how to create success in every area of life that’s important to us. Nothing happens by accident, even though it may appear that way. We either find ourselves in a difficult situation because of payback from a past life, or because the Universe needs to “stop us” if the path we are on is contrary to our destiny. Either way, what happens to us during our lifetime is always a blessing, no matter how it may seem at the time.
Our journey can be more pleasant—and difficult situations less painful—when we are aware of that truth. In my own life, whenever “adversity” arises I immediately clarify my intention by responding with: “Life loves me, and somehow this is going to work to my benefit.” And it always does. This mind-set has helped me pass through life’s traumas with greater peace. Since consciously using this intention, every challenge I have encountered has expanded my ability to experience life from a more conscious, positive perspective.
Love Is the Bottom Line
When you think about it, all conflicts arise because a direct experience of Love is lacking in the moment of the conflict. When we are in a state of Love, everything becomes clear. We know what to do and can easily move through any circumstances with a sense of grace.
Love is pure ecstasy—it melts us. And ultimately, it is the depth of the love we give and receive in our relationships that measures how content we feel in our sojourn on planet Earth. However, we can only receive the amount of love we are receptive to experiencing. If we are willing to get out of our own way, the love that can come to us through our connections with others is overwhelming—almost orgasmic. Step by step you can open yourself to this realm of satisfaction by using the tools outlined in this book. Go at your own speed and allow yourself to gently expand your capacity to give and receive love in your relationships.
Go for it! The “Path” is dependable and practical. Try the experiments that are suggested that make sense to you. It may be scary at first—but what is life if not an adventure? You can measure the results as you go. If you never take the risk, you’ll never know how much happiness you are capable of experiencing.
ESSENTIAL INFORMATION
The Nodes
When interpreting a natal chart, most astrologers have an area of primary focus. For me, that starting point is the Nodes of the Moon, which indicate the most profound issues each of us is working on in this lifetime.
The Nodes of the Moon are not planetary bodies; they are points formed by the Moon’s orbit around the Earth intersecting with the Earth’s path around the Sun. The direction of the Nodes is counterclockwise: The North Node is the ascending Node (the point closest to our North Pole), and generally exerts a positive influence in the sign and House where it is found. The South Node is the descending node (the point closest to our South Pole). Its effect can be to inadvertently drain energy from the area of its influence. The North and South Nodes are always exactly 180 degrees apart. Some astrologers use the “True Node” calculation (which takes into account the actual wobbling of the Moon’s orbit), and some astrologers use the “Mean Node” (which does not take the wobbling into account). I use the True Nodes. The True Node and Mean Node positions are never more than 1 degree 45 minutes apart from each other.
To determine the sign of your North Node, consult the tables on Frontmatter. To find the house position of your North Node, the house in which your Nodes fall in an important relationship, and the “aspects” showing the Soul contracts between you and another, go to www.cosmiclove.com, and this information will be calculated for you free of charge.
The position of the South Node will always be exactly opposite your North Node (six Houses or signs apart). For instance, if your North Node is in the sign of Aries, your South Node will be in Libra.
Other Factors that Affect Relationships
This book’s focus is on the impact of the North and South Nodes of the Moon in relationships. Therefore, only the nodal aspects are taken into account in clarifying relationship interactions. It is a strong tool in understanding why—in terms of the Big Picture—specific people have come into your life, what the contracts are between you, and what you can do to bring out the positive potential in your relationship. However, it is important to remember that there are many other factors that affect relationships.
From an Astrological Perspective
In synestry (two charts overlaying each other), many factors show Karmic compatibility—including, but not limited to, the following: When one person’s planets fall in another’s 8th House or 12th House, it indicates a past life connection brought forward into the current life. Saturn or the Moon in one person’s chart conjunct a planet in another’s chart indicates deep past life connections.
Some of the asteroids—especially Chiron, Ceres, and Juno—indicate past life influences on compatibility. Naturally, the personal physical planets—Venus (love) and Mars (sex and initiative)—and their placements in two people’s charts have a lot to do with success and ease in the relationship. Completing grand
trines in each other’s chart generally indicates that the two people can “magically” balance each other in a way that builds a strong and mutually satisfying relationship.
From a Psychological Perspective
In any relationship, both people’s readiness and level of commitment to success has a lot to do with the outcome. If a person is ready to commit to making the relationship work, and is willing to give the time and energy that can make it successful, many things that might ordinarily be difficulties can be dealt with and overcome in a harmonious way.
No relationship is “unsuccessful” when viewed from the perspective of personal growth. Sometimes experiencing heartbreak leads to deep introspection, seeking counseling, or finding a spiritual path—any of which can bring us far greater success in our next relationship. The people we attract into our lives often hold the key to the next step we need to take in order to complete our own readiness to have a successful relationship.
From a spiritual perspective
Another factor that can greatly enhance the quality of a relationship is if both people have a commitment to a similar spiritual path. When two people are willing to grow and work on themselves, and have a level of awareness that allows them to put the health of the relationship above the ego need to “be right,” then better results are clearly assured. The values and spiritual maturity of two individuals must be naturally compatible in order for truly deep bonding to occur.
Karma Mate / Soul Mate
There is a difference between a Karma Mate and a Soul Mate. A Karma Mate is someone with whom there has been injury experienced in a past life—a debt to be repaid. It’s an inevitable attraction, alluring and familiar at first, although not always pleasant as events unfold. When we feel an intense and immediate connection with another, it is usually unresolved energy from a past life being restimulated.