by Jan Spiller
This unconscious imprint from past incarnations has left them with an underlying sense of apprehension—that at any moment they will find themselves feeling totally incompetent, or that something beyond their own personal control will disrupt their security. And since they don’t feel safe, there can be no intimacy in their relationships.
They tend to go through life feeling like they don’t know how to take charge and be the one responsible for creating a successful outcome. They don’t want to be the one responsible if things don’t work out, and they’re afraid to let anyone see their imperfections as they make mistakes along the way, because the native believes that this will cause others to think less of them. What has happened is that since these people turned their back on their own competency in so many lifetimes, that part of themselves went into sleep mode, and now they are not even aware that it exists. But their ability to take charge and succeed in the world is fully functional—once they make up their minds to take responsibility and access it. So their notion that “I don’t know how to take charge” is not the truth. This part of themselves just needs to be acknowledged and brought to the surface in order to emerge as a completing factor in their personality. In fact, it is only when they learn to come from a position of taking charge that their life will work and their relationships can be successful.
These people are competent achievers, but until they gain this take-charge awareness, they usually just wait for those in authority to give them what they want. In order to change this dependency dynamic, their desire for self-respect needs to be stronger than their fear of failure.
These natives are learning that the only way to reactivate their competency and gain the ability to reach their own goals is by taking the risk to do it! It’s by going ahead and taking charge that they will rediscover their capacity for creating success. And then they will find that their imperfections—which everyone has—are just invitations to personal growth that they can work on through the process of attaining their goals.
Once the native has a clear goal in mind, their best bet is to enlist the help of others. Capricorn North Node people are great managers, and when they’re pursuing a goal their energy inspires others to want to help them. They are learning to give other people a chance to support them, by taking charge and letting others know what they need to get to the goal, and then keeping their attention focused in that direction.
One issue that can hinder their success is a tendency to shrink everything—especially their business, career or job—down to the perspective of “family,” which causes them to revert back to their unhealthy family dynamics. Then they can become so focused on micromanaging the details, and so enmeshed in the emotions of their co-workers or employees, they forget that they are the person in charge.
Capricorn North Node people are learning to let those around them be responsible for handling the daily business details and for dealing with their own emotional problems. When they consciously take charge and oversee the whole operation, things run much more smoothly, and everyone—including the native—is much happier. One potential issue is that if they hire others to help them because of an internal urge to avoid responsibility, it can trigger their dependency issues. So when they enlist others’ assistance, they need to remain conscious and do it from the position of being the one in charge.
Developing Healthy Emotional Sensitivity to Others
When Capricorn North Node people focus on their own fears and insecurities, it blocks their innate sensitivity to others’ emotional needs. As a result, the other person doesn’t feel cared for or supported. For example, when a client got the news that her father had just died, she called her boyfriend—who had this nodal position—to let him know why she couldn’t meet him for dinner and had to fly home right away. Instead of nurturing her at this time of grief, he focused on his own issues and started talking about the bad weather that was predicted and how terrified he was of flying in a storm.
These people can indulge in negativity, and don’t think of how they may be affecting the spirit of the other person. It blocks intimacy when they don’t tune in to others—the emotional nurturing and support they need in order to develop themselves and reach their goals. Part of this issue has to do with the native’s tendency to look at everything through a “me” filter. And this, in turn, is related to their subconsciously feeling like an infant, where everything is about them.
The native does usually get around to asking the other person about themselves, but even when listening to others, their attention always has “me” as the reference point. Until these natives gain the realization that others are actually separate from them and have their own wants and needs, the other people in their relationships may tire of not feeling any energy coming back to them and begin to withdraw.
Because these folks are so easily upset by others’ negative energy, they are aware of people’s feelings on the level of making sure they avoid upsetting them…so they won’t have to endure the consequences. Also, by adulthood they usually realize that they tend to overreact emotionally and have a temper, so they try to repress their own emotional responses. They worry that if they ignite negative emotions in others, they might say or do something in response that they will regret and that could cause them more pain later on.
More than any other nodal group, these people are afraid of being overwhelmed by their emotions. They are so overidentified with their moods that if they get hurt emotionally, they feel like they have been physically wounded. They may pull into themselves and cry for days. Since they are so aware of not hurting people’s feelings, when someone hurts them, they assume the other person was aware of the hurt they were causing and they feel wronged. The closer their bond with the other person, the more deeply the native feels the injury.
However, what has usually occurred is that—since most people don’t have the same “emotional sensitivity chip” as the native—the other person just wasn’t aware of the native’s feelings. When others don’t behave with emotional sensitivity, the native experiences a sense of disappointment that’s irrational and out of proportion. It’s like expecting a person who comes from poverty to have the manners of a person born into aristocracy—it just isn’t going to happen on its own.
In fact, part of the native’s job in this lifetime is to figure this out and begin helping people learn how to become more emotionally sensitive to one another. When the native uses their emotional attunement to gently coach another and help them to develop in this way, it creates a win-win situation. As the other person gains awareness and sensitivity, they experience more success in their relationships; and in order to help that person to grow, the native must learn to rise above their tendency to take everything personally.
It can be difficult for Capricorn North Node people to find the courage to take this step. They tend to block their own process because they will rarely say: “Why did you do that? It really wasn’t very kind.” Later they may think: “Why wasn’t I brave enough to say what I really felt?”
One reason for their reticence is that the native doesn’t want to take charge. Also, they fear that if the person who’s being rude or mean turns on them, then they will be subject to that person’s negativity, and if the native loses their temper, it could start a fight that would generate even more negative energy.
In order to gain the confidence to take this risk, their best bet is to make the goal of helping others more important than protecting themselves from negative emotional energy. For success, the idea is to assume the objectivity of a teacher bringing insight to someone who is unaware of how they are affecting others. On some level, their Higher Self realizes that there’s great power in participating with others in this way if it’s done without emotion or judgment.
Capricorn North Node people have a tremendous gift for seeing where someone else is off track, and their sensitivity allows them to guide another in a way that doesn’t diminish them, so the oth
er person is usually grateful for their help. However, it’s important that the native come from a place of being completely non-judgmental and totally in charge. Otherwise, they will lose the objectivity that allows them to be successful, and everything that transpires will feel too personal for both parties.
The key is for them to share what they’re feeling in an impersonal way. For instance: “Are you aware that what you said could be construed as a rude comment?” rather than: “That was a rude thing to say!” They can also acknowledge the other person’s good intentions: “I know you want us to have a wonderful dinner tonight, but I think the way you spoke to the waiter might have made him feel like he wasn’t doing a good job. Maybe if you tell him____, it will help him feel more comfortable.”
If the native doesn’t overcome their fear of emotional discomfort so they can share their observations, it blocks intimacy, because the native is constantly censoring themselves in the relationship. The other person senses this, and it prevents them from being spontaneous and natural around the native. On an unconscious level, the other person feels there is a gift that the native is withholding, and this creates a deep sadness that they don’t understand.
And not sharing their insights also blocks intimacy for the native. When their partner behaves in a way that’s insensitive to others, the native’s subconscious, automatic response is to see them as being “coarse,” and they lose respect for them. But rather than feeling judgmental, they are learning that a higher path is to consciously help the other person grow. And the more energy they put into getting to know and understand their partner, the more successful the outcome will be for both people.
Succeeding in Sexually Intimate Relationships
It’s very difficult for Capricorn North Node people to truly attach to a mate because—even after they get married—they tend to think of themselves as primarily belonging to their family of origin. So if “the family” tells them to do something or expects them to be somewhere, they will probably choose to please them over their own personal nuclear family.
For example, the native’s spouse may want to spend Christmas in Monaco, but the native feels that they have to be with their “own” family in Lake Placid. The native may not even want to go to Lake Placid, but they’ll do it because of their unhealthy, immutable sense of family loyalty. And what’s worse, if other family members don’t like their spouse and speak ill of them, the native may come around to the family’s view.
Another related issue is that these people are often preoccupied by their relationship with their mother, even far into adulthood. Their mother’s opinion and the way they perceive her expectations tend to be major factors in their decision-making process, one way or the other. On some level the native may still be rebelling against their mother—or their father, if he was perceived as the main nurturer. This blocks intimacy, because until they gain awareness and release their mother, it’s tough for them to work things out with their primary partner.
Men from this nodal group who have not resolved these issues tend to unconsciously transfer them to their partner and then rebel against her. If their mate does anything that even slightly reminds them of “Mom,” they have a conflict. They want their partner to take care of them and they want him/her to be a “better mother,” because growing up, they weren’t happy with their own mother. Or if they were happy with her—or maybe sexually attracted to her—they don’t want to admit it.
When Capricorn North Node women are in a bonded relationship, the issues are somewhat less complicated but still interfere with intimacy. These women tend to become more like their mother and continue to rebel against her. In both sexes, the native tends to remain attached to their mother in an unhealthy way, that interferes with intimacy, and their partner never feels that they’re really number one in the native’s life.
Until these natives become conscious and activate “their adult,” their relationships tend to be disappointing and weigh heavily on them. Although partly due to their unhealthy family issues, this also stems from unresolved patterns of dependency from past lives. As a result, they unconsciously seek mutually dependent relationships.
In order to create this, initially the native usually assumes the role of caretaker and protector in a way that creates dependency in the other person. When they know their partner needs them, the native feels respected, important, and secure, even though it’s a false intimacy.
In fact, it’s so important to these people to feel needed that they often nurture others through cooking. Providing their partner with a big breakfast before they go to work and a good dinner when they come home is the native’s way of supporting the other person in being successful and showing that they themselves are a dependable part of the team.
Even though their partner may initially think this scenario is strange, after a while the other person comes to like this support and depend on it. They can sense the native’s desire to nurture them. This makes the native feel important, and they also feel loved because their partner is accepting their nurturing.
However, if their partner doesn’t accept the food, the native tends to feel rejected. Maybe their partner comes home late and says: “Oh, I’m not hungry—I’m going to bed.” The native may respond: “But I went to all this trouble…” and their feelings get hurt. This can lead to their partner eating when they don’t really want to—one Capricorn North Node client had this trait, and his wife gained 120 pounds! Also, through this impulse the native is focused on feeding the other person’s success rather than feeding themselves the energy they need to be successful.
These people are learning to ask their partner how to best support them instead of trying to coerce the other person into taking what they want to give. The native’s desire to nurture can end up blocking intimacy when they impose their own values, without taking their partner’s individuality, talents, and tastes into account. Sometimes this happens due to their fear that the other person will see them as incompetent or unambitious. Then they guard against appearing vulnerable by constantly working to gain their partner’s respect. However, this just ends up preventing their mate from feeling close to them, because it’s hard to be affectionate with someone who is always demanding to be shown respect in some way. Also, when the native is trying to appear competent and not vulnerable, their partner may feel—on an unconscious level—they can’t be spontaneous and vulnerable around the native either, which further inhibits intimacy.
On another level, part of the Capricorn North Node person’s complex relationship dynamics is that subconsciously, what the native really wants is to be totally dependent on their partner, expecting them to know exactly what they want and need—even if the native never tells them. Then, since this is an impossible expectation, they see their partner as “falling short.”
In order to break this pattern, the native needs to start letting their partner know what they need in terms of support. If they don’t, it blocks intimacy, because if the other person doesn’t reciprocate in exactly the way the native wants, they feel resentful.
For example, when the native insists on feeding their partner, they may also have an expectation that if they’re running late, their partner will reciprocate by preparing food for them. In the native’s mind, this is what they need in order to feel the mutual dependency—even when they know their partner can’t cook! They may totally discount the fact that their partner warmed up the car for them and drove the kids to school so they could be on time.
When dependency is the foundation of their relationships, these people can’t be intimate, because they think that if they risk being themselves, there’s too much to lose. This dynamic is a major factor in the dissatisfaction that both partners end up experiencing. When they gain awareness, the native can finally start to step beyond their fears, and set goals that can make their relationships more vibrant and alive.
For instance, maybe the native has been wanting to set aside on
e night a week for a romantic “date,” but hasn’t risked suggesting it for fear their partner wouldn’t want to and they would feel rejected. By finally taking the risk, both parties can begin to experience the nurturing, trust, and intimacy that may have been missing from their relationship.
How Others Can Help Them Heal
Prompt Them to Set Goals
When a Capricorn North Node person is upset or confused, ask them: “What is your goal in this situation? What are you aiming for?” Once they have defined the end result they want to create, help them set smaller goals that, accomplished one at a time, will lead to their larger goal. As they reach each one, the feeling of success will energize them and give them the confidence they need to keep going.
Security is of utmost importance to these people, so frame the habit of setting goals as a way to attain greater security. For example, if they feel insecure about a business meeting with one of their parents, ask them what their aim is in that relationship and what they would like to have happen. The overall goal would be to approach their parent in a way that gives them a sense of self-respect—regardless of how the meeting turns out. A smaller goal might be to stay within their own boundaries, or to share information about a success they are achieving in some area of their life. Point out that by focusing on their goal rather than on the process, they become less vulnerable to experiencing an emotional overload.
Take the time to acknowledge their accomplishments, point out how far they have come, and remind them that they attained those successes through their own efforts. When you validate their achievements, it builds their confidence, gives them a sense of self-respect, and empowers them to attain even greater goals!
Encourage Them to Take Responsibility
If an opportunity arises at work that requires them to take on more responsibility, encourage them to do it. When they assume responsibility, they tend to rise to the occasion and then realize how competent they really are. As they prove—to themselves and others—that they can successfully handle additional responsibility, they put themselves in a position to manage others, which is a strong role that builds self-esteem for them.