Tucker D: Very specific, Ms. Heywood.
Sage: My parents never let us eat sweets. That’s what most of my classmates brought to school to celebrate their birthdays, and I love them. I could swallow them.
Tucker D: So you like to swallow? Good girl.
Sage: You’re annoying! I’m telling you about a childhood memory and you dirty it up.
Tucker D: It’s not personal. Everything can be dirty with the right mindset. I can frost you all over and lick you.
Sage: We’re going to have to set up some boundaries. I have a boyfriend, and we can’t discuss sex.
Tucker D: But the minute he’s out of the picture, this rule, boundary, line, or whatever you want to call it is gone.
Sage: You don’t give up, do you?
Tucker D: It’s not a challenge. It’s you, Sage. Talk to you later today.
34
Tucker
Nothing says happy fucking Thursday better than Rocco going back on tour with Midnight Buzz.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I ask Nana. “He’s leaving?”
“No, he left,” she replies angrily. “When we came back from Mae’s checkup, he was gone. I called him, and he texted, saying he was boarding a plane. That he needs to go back to work—he needs space.”
“What about Mae?”
“She’s with me, Tuck. It’s not like she’s going to miss him. Fuck, she misses Alex and you more than her father.”
“Do you think he’s okay?”
“He seems normal; except, he refuses to acknowledge Mae—or even touch her. It hurts that her dad is rejecting her. We’re trying hard to fill the hole, but she knows. Deep down, she knows her parents are not around. As much as I’m trying, I feel as if I’m not enough.”
She’s done plenty, including the fact that she postponed her wedding. She’s putting her life on hold for this baby, and I’m grateful. The question is, does the asshole give a shit about what we’re doing for his kid?
It usually doesn’t bother me when he doesn’t care about anything but himself. Fuck, I covered for him, but this time, I’m raging with anger because he’s abandoning his child.
“We’ll be there until he gets his fucking shit together,” I say, letting my anger seep through my words. “I have back to back meetings this week. A trip to Europe on Friday, but once I’m back, I’ll stay with you for a month or until he’s back.”
“He’s sick, Tuck,” she reminds me. “I wish I knew the depth of what’s happening inside his head. Just yesterday, I was talking to your mom about it. This could be borderline personality disorder.”
“You were talking to Mom?”
“She’s worried about him, Mae, you—all of us,” she explains.
“What do you want me to do?” I ask.
“Don’t worry about us. Alex and I have Mae,” she says it with so much love that I’m relieved. If there’s someone I can trust, it’s Nana.
The Snuggle Bug is safe with her. But I want to be the one right next to Mae. I don’t want to miss her milestones. The videos they’ve been sending me are good, but it’s not enough.
“Sage might be coming to visit this weekend,” I say.
“We’ll call her and check if she needs the jet. If only the rest of Sienna’s family cared a little more about our Snuggle Bug.”
“She has us,” I remind her. “How’s Zeke?”
“Coming around. He’s visited daily. You know him. He doesn’t want to fall in love with Mae,” she says. “Because he hates to lose people. But the guy is a softy when it comes to kids. Soon, she’ll be his favorite too.”
“Good, I’m worried about him. This reminds us so much of Brooke and…”
“He loved Brooke so much,” she sighs. “He waited patiently for her and fucking Davis snatched her away.”
“Are you okay? This is bringing a lot of Davis’s memories back because you were dating him when it all went down.”
“Yeah, I wasn't in love with him. Being with Alex made me realize that. He’s love, you know,” she says in such a tone I’m sure her eyes are shaped like hearts. “I was stupidly blinded by my girl crush. He hurt me, that’s a fact. I shouldn’t have dated a man, but I was a kid. His accident wasn’t my fault. I didn’t push Brooke into his arms. We weren’t old enough to be responsible for a teenager—we were teenagers. But we wanted to believe we were adults because Rocco needed us to be.”
“We’re adults now,” I remind her, and breathe deeply, hoping the knot forming in my throat disappears. “Tell me we can do this, Nana.”
“Of course we can,” she says with that optimism only Nana can deliver. “Snuggle Bug is safe with us. If anything, we have her to remind us how precious life can be.”
I rub the bridge of my nose, sending a silent prayer to God because I have no idea how to fix Rocco. The more he pushes Mae away, the less I care about him. It’s a tug-of-war because he’s my friend.
My brother.
He needs me, and I love him and swore to protect him. But now she needs me more.
She won’t be the product of foster care, nor end up in a home where in a few years the family will push her away. She won’t be wishing the letter from some strange woman is her golden ticket to a family.
35
Tucker
The night threatens to trap me forever. Fear. Pain. A torrent of feelings I haven’t experienced in years choke me.
All of them pressing, squeezing, suffocating me.
All the air is sucked out of my lungs when the phone rings at one in the morning. I don’t receive calls in the middle of the night, unless there’s an emergency.
Alex’s name flashing on the screen sends a chill down my spine.
“Spearman?” I greet him, wondering if my Snuggle Bug is sick and they need me to be there.
“The manager for Midnight Buzz called,” Alex says on the other line, but all I can concentrate on is Nana.
I can hear her pain, her sobs. She sounds devastated. I know because we’ve been there for each other since I was seventeen. I’ve heard her laugh, but also cry, and I pretty much know the tone of her sobs.
“Rocco,” I mumble. “What the fuck did he do?”
The question is more rhetorical than anything. I’m almost positive that he’s in the hospital after ODing.
“They found him dead in his hotel room,” he says, and I hear Nana wailing.
“No,” I whisper. “No, he didn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Tuck,” Alex says, and I hear him mumbling shit to Nana. Telling her everything will be fine. “My in-laws are on their way to take care of Nana and Mae while I visit Ethan and Zeke.”
“Don’t,” I say, more like order him. “Wait until I’m there.”
“Where are you?” he asks.
“Colorado. I was leaving for Spain tomorrow, but…”
“They’re sending his body tomorrow. I can handle that part, but Ethan and Zeke are the ones who handle the legal shit for him.”
“I’ll make the arrangements and leave within the next couple of hours,” I say, turning on my computer and sending a message to my uncle via the security company’s server.
If I’m lucky, I can leave now. He knows people everywhere.
TBradley: I need to fly from Denver to Seattle ASAP.
MBradley: Who is dying?
TBradley: Rocco. He died a few hours ago.
MBradley: Fuck. Sorry, kid. I was … I’m so fucking sorry. Let me make a few calls. What’s the nearest airport?
TBradley: Centennial or DIA
“Then, I’ll stay put,” Alex answers. “Let me know what else you need.”
MBradley: Okay, Tuck, I’m sending you an address. Be there in thirty minutes. See you when you get home.
TBradley: Thank you. I owe you.
MBradley: Just fix your shit with your parents.
I sigh because yeah, my parents are a subject I’ve avoided for years. But there’s a more pressing matter I need to attend to. Dread chugs through my veins when
I think of what’s coming up next.
What’s going to happen with Mae? Having a temporary guardianship only works, well, temporarily.
Maybe I should’ve registered her under my name from the moment she was born. She’d be mine. My heart hammers fast. Sienna’s parents are her only family, no matter how much I adore that little girl and feel as if she’s mine.
She’s not blood. The system won’t see things the way I do. She might be a Sinner of Seattle, but she’s not ours. They’re going to do what they believe is right for Mae.
“We can’t let Sienna’s parents take her,” I finally tell Alex. “Mae is ours.”
“I’ll call the lawyer,” he sighs. “I remember he mentioned something about a permanent guardianship established in case they were both dead.”
“What?”
“Yeah, there’s a will or some shit. I… You need to come home, and we’ll look into it.”
Fear constricts my throat. What if she’s going to Sienna’s parents? I’m not a religious man, but Sage and her prayers are starting to get to me. So I do it, the way I think is best.
God, please let Sage be the one who gets the baby.
“I have to leave now. Can you contact Em and explain what’s happening, please?”
“No, she’s your PA,” he says, giving me his usual attitude, and I’m thankful for this moment of normalcy.
“She’s your sister-in-law,” I remind him. “You’re her favorite—I think.”
He laughs. “Actually, I am because her daughters adore me. I’ll text my brother Jack and tell him what’s happening with Mae. They’re worried.”
“I owe you.”
“We’re cool, bro. Be safe, and again, I’m sorry.”
“Take care of Nana. I can’t imagine how she’s feeling.”
“She’s breaking, and there’s not one fucking thing I can do right now, but just hold her.”
Can he hold us all? Because I’m not sure if we’re going to survive this fucking mess.
Rocco, why the fuck did you do it?
I stopped him once. Why couldn’t I have done it this time?
36
Tucker
Dear Tuck,
I can’t apologize for what happened. It was time. I had tried—for years. First, it was for Brooke, then for Nana.
For you.
For Zeke.
For Ethan.
This last final one is for me. You might not understand, but I couldn’t do it anymore.
Life has been hard and since she left it’s been impossible to continue.
“One day at a time.”
“Twenty-four hours.”
“It shouldn’t be hard.”
“She needs me.”
Every morning I repeat those same words. The phrases come out like a broken record—they have no meaning. Getting through the day is unbearable, but I try.
For you, for Nana, for Z, and for Ethan. Because you guys ask me to do it. Because you remind me that this is worth doing.
But is it really?
I never do it for me. Not for her either. You say all this shit to keep me going.
Those phrases are always on repeat from either one of you guys: Things will look different. Life goes on and so do you.
Shall we bring up your fucking favorite? She needs me. Think of her.
When I look at her, I’m reminded of what I lost. She’s supposed to belong with me, to feel like she’s mine. All I see is Sienna’s dreams buried because of her.
My failures. The loss.
I can’t fucking look at HER.
This should feel different. This was supposed to be different. I finally had the ultimate dream. It didn’t last long, did it?
There’s nothing left for me. Some might say I have everything. I have the kind of life many would sell their souls for. The life I wished for when I was a child. I’m a God. Maybe not as big as you, but people worship me.
Still, I know the price of being where I stand. For every moment of joy I’ve experienced, I’ve paid with blood—with those who I love.
What do I have left? Her.
And she deserves better.
It’s best if I don’t taint her like I’ve done with everyone I’ve loved. She’s precious, innocent, and fragile. This treasure should be safe, and away from a destructive person like me.
Emotion fists and crashes every time I’m close to her. She reminds me of all my losses—of the people who left me behind. I often think of Brooke. I couldn’t save her. Sienna … I wish she had left me before I fell madly in love with her.
Love is poison. It’s destruction. Sienna was the antidote and without her I might as well die.
Without her I feel a perpetual emptiness that’s eating away at me. I’m afraid it’ll never go away and it’ll destroy me.
If I stay, I’ll ruin her like I did her mom.
I dare to ask for the ultimate favor. Because if anyone can look after her, it’s you. Tell the guys and Nana to be there for her. She’s yours more than mine. For some fucking reason, you’ve known that since she arrived. Please, love her with all your heart and protect her with your life.
Protect her the way I wasn’t able to do. Love her like I couldn’t.
Always,
Rocco
I stare at the letter the manager of Midnight Buzz found next to Rocco.
Read it once, twice. Crumble it and walk around the room. Then I flatten it and read it again. Pain constricts my lungs. This can’t be real. The vortex of emotions that’s been sucking me in since I got the news swirls faster, dragging me into oblivion.
“What am I supposed to do?” I ask out loud.
I’m shocked, unable to process any of this information. My head knows it happened. My heart refuses to accept it. It wishes I could wake up from this nightmare. Rocco, my brother. The one guy who I tried to save over and over again. He’s …
“I’m sorry, man.” Alex, one of my best friends, shrugs. “Nothing I say will fix this.”
“Try,” I request, looking at the last words Rocco left again.
“Move forward. I … we’ll survive this,” he assures me, but his tone is filled with sadness and hesitation.
“We did everything we could, didn’t we?” I ask, trying to find peace, or maybe, looking for absolution.
Somehow, I feel like I did this. Guilt threatens to drown me.
My throat tightens. Fuck, what did we miss? We could’ve saved him.
Everything we’ve lived through together plays in slow motion. Sometimes, it only takes one single moment to turn your life around, from joy to tragedy and…
Fuck.
I don’t know how to deal with this, with everything.
What do I do with the crush of fear that pulses through my veins? He chose me to not fuck up her life when my life is a fucking mess. A million different emotions I can’t process continue bouncing inside my head.
We knew this could happen. We tried everything, didn’t we?
Crushed, demolished, absolutely destroyed. That’s exactly how he described what he was feeling a couple of weeks ago. He asked us for space. Maybe we shouldn’t have given it to him.
I swallow, trying to shove the turmoil down, ignoring the fact that maybe if I had listened to…
“Stop torturing yourself,” Alex says. “This isn’t your fault. We can’t be responsible for other people's actions.”
Easy for him to say. He’s not broken. He had a normal childhood. I can’t step into a life that doesn’t belong to me. A life I’d never want.
Can I get through this?
Can we survive what just happened?
37
Sage
The wound reopens when they call me with the news. Rocco is dead. It was only a matter of time. Ethan said it just last weekend, when I visited Mae, “He’s a time bomb. The countdown began when Sienna died. Our job is to dismantle it before it explodes.”
“Do you think we can make it happen?” I asked. “Stop the… I don’t even
understand what he’s doing, Ethan. He seems so … normal.”
“See, that’s why I’m concerned, because he’s pretending everything is alright. He left for work. Rocco is touring in another country. There are no restrictions. Booze, women, and drugs. He might get lost for years, and Mae might never meet him.”
“I’ll pray,” I said.
“We should follow your lead and pray too” he said, and it wasn’t mockingly. Actually, he was dead serious. “We might witness a miracle or two.”
There’s no miracle. Mae lost both of her parents, and she’s just a baby. If I could, I’d give anything to bring them back for her.
The funeral for Rocco is small, at least that’s what Hannah said over the phone. Only the Sinners and their close family. They bury him next to Sienna in a cemetery in Bellevue.
When my sister died, I was lost in the ocean of pain and grief.
These guys supported Rocco and me while we said our last goodbye. This time, I feel like an outsider, watching as they grieve together, as their families are next to them, assuring them that it’s okay to hurt and that everything will be fine.
For a second, I want to belong to this group of people. Be a part of something that’s filled with so much love and support.
Tucker’s mom is right beside him. Two men flank him from the back. Hannah’s family is here. Her mom doesn’t leave her sight. Alex is also next to her—all of his family is with him.
Mae is in Tucker’s arms. He hasn’t let her go since I arrived.
I want to take her away from him, absorb some of that love that she keeps receiving. Remind me that even when Sienna left, the best part of her is still with us.
Does it make me a bad person to want to take her away from him, from them?
Dexter ordered me to do it. We are her only family. They don’t have any rights. There’s a side he doesn’t know, and he hasn’t seen. The love they give our niece. Love that I’m not sure I’m capable to give because I never received it myself.
Us After You Page 19