The first strategy we use is hindsight—that is, identifying our emotions after the fact. As we reflect on a situation in which we went back to old patterns of behavior, we can try to identify what our emotions were at the time. Gradually, we learn how to identify our emotions as we experience them.
Sometimes, when we first tap into our emotions, they feel very negative and hurtful. That’s because, as we begin to feel again, we may re-experience long-buried emotions that were painful. Don’t let the pain become a deterrent to the process. Becoming a responsive person takes time. It won’t happen overnight. But the time to begin is now.
11
TAKING YOUR LIFE BACK
IMAGINE TAKING A soda straw and a bottle to Lake Tahoe and trying to drain a portion of it to create a piece of dry ground on which to build something solid. No one in his right mind would do that. But that’s the equivalent of what we do when we drain ourselves in attempting to change someone else, in waiting for someone to wake up one day and decide to change, or in expecting God to swoop in and perform a particular miracle for which we’ve been praying.
It’s a complete waste of time to put all our time and energy into something that we have no ability to change, improve, or even affect. When we take all that we have and waste it on someone or something that will return nothing in exchange for our efforts, we continue to live in reactive ways. Instead, we must do something radical if we want to take our lives back and build meaningful, purposeful, and powerful connections with God and others. We must change the way we think.
Romans 12:2 serves as the foundation for this transformation: “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Even if you don’t believe that the Bible is true or a valid resource, don’t be too quick to dismiss its wisdom. It won’t hurt you to take a quick look at something that millions of people have used as a source of guidance and inspiration. And you might learn something.
This verse in Romans simply says that the only way to make progress in life is to stop long enough to reflect on what you’re doing. What attitudes and behaviors do you have that only cause you great frustration and disconnect you from God and from other people in your life? What habitual dependencies keep you from taking your life back? Why do you persist in doing them? Where in “the world” did those things come from? Have they been passed down through the generations, did you copy them from someone else, or are they something you made up on your own?
Is it time to abandon them? Of course it is. Are you willing? Only you can answer that question. But we hope the answer is yes because there is no reason to hang onto something that doesn’t work and that doesn’t move your life forward.
Responsive living begins with a willingness to change the way we think. That is essentially the golden ticket to the Promised Land. It seems so simple and makes so much sense, but we all have a hard time giving up what is comfortable and familiar. Instead, we double down and do more of the same thing—maybe with slight modifications or greater intensity. But doing more of the same will only get you more of the same. When we reflect on what has produced frustration and failure in the past and then commit ourselves to finding new ways, we create hope and potential for a very different future.
So here are some common patterns of thinking to change:
Don’t think: I can change the other person. Start thinking: I can change myself, no matter what the other person does. It’s not your job to motivate change in other people. But that person staring back at you in the mirror? Start there.
Don’t think: Life will get better when the other person gets better. Start thinking: My life will get better when I get better. When you stop focusing on everything that is wrong with the other people in your life and you begin to focus on the areas in your own life that need improvement or radical change, life will get better.
Don’t think: I’m trapped. Start thinking: I may feel trapped, but I still have options. The options you want may not be available today, but if you start working toward making them a reality, you will no longer feel trapped because you will have taken your life back and started to live it in a way that is satisfying and fulfilling.
Don’t think: I’ve tried everything. Start thinking: I’ve tried everything I know how to try, so it’s time to connect with someone who can show me some better options. If you’re willing to get help and try some new approaches, your future will have a new sense of hope.
If these examples are not enough to show you how to counter the other-focused, self-defeating thoughts that have prevented you from living freely and fully, my (David’s) book Rethink How You Think can help you perfect this technique.
Changing our thinking really is transformational in our lives because it takes our focus away from everything in front of us and places it firmly on everything within us.
As scary as that may sound, when we stop focusing on what is so glaringly wrong with other people, it removes a huge burden from our backs. Many people have wasted far too many years living on the other side of the street, in everyone else’s lives. But you are meant to live on your own side of the street, inhabiting your own life and becoming the person that God intended. You may feel powerless as you begin the long walk back across the street toward home, but you’re not helpless. You’re not making the journey alone. Help is on the way. Get ready—it’s moving day!
“But wait,” you say. “I can’t go back there quite yet. As I think about going back to my own side of the street, I start to remember why I left in the first place. That’s where my real self resides, with all its bad, ugly, abandoned, and confused parts. I don’t think I’m ready to face all that. It seems much less painful to stay on the other side of the street for just a little while longer.”
What if we were to tell you that it’s okay? Moving back to your own side of the street not only means giving up your criticism of other people; it also marks the beginning of a deep friendship with yourself—yes, both the good and the bad. It will involve getting reacquainted with your true self, understanding how you’ve been hurt, and doing the work of forgiveness that will lead you to wholeness and self-acceptance. You may be surprised to find how compassionate you become with others, as well.
Finding Self-Compassion
As partial or complete dependents, we usually know how to be compassionate toward other people. We care about them, worry about them, help them, and do all kinds of loving things for them. But typically, we are short on compassion for ourselves. We may say some encouraging words to ourselves, but it usually doesn’t go very deep or last very long.
What works against us is a sharp inner voice that either drives us compulsively or causes us to give up because everything seems hopeless. The former voice leads to trying harder, while the latter voice says, “Don’t bother.” Either way, we end up being critical of ourselves, and eventually we may even hate ourselves. Silencing that critical voice is not easy, but it is possible. Here’s how to begin—by using your imagination.
First of all, silence that critical inner voice.
Next, think of a situation from when you were growing up. It can be a haunting memory that is very vivid or simply a time when you felt alone and misunderstood. Fill in as many details as possible: What room were you in? What happened? Were you standing, sitting, or lying down? Were you crying, angry, or both? Make the scene as vivid as you can recall.
Once you have a picture of that situation in your mind, enter the scene as an adult and imagine yourself talking with the young you. Ask your younger self what he or she is feeling. Provide the comfort you longed for at the time but did not receive. Take your time, even imagining the adult you holding the young you as you offer comfort and acceptance. If there are tears, let them flow freely. After an amount of time appropriate to the situation, leave the scene and stop the exercise. You may want to journal about the exercise or call a safe perso
n (if you have one) and share what you just experienced.
I (David) have used this exercise with people in my office, and I’ve found that it actually begins a transforming process that leads to self-acceptance and self-compassion. It changes your perception of your younger self and allows you to stop blaming yourself for the painful things that occurred as you were growing up. It changes the way the adult you understands what the young you experienced. And it also marks the beginning of a process of acknowledging what you truly experienced as a child.
You may want to repeat this exercise using several different scenarios in which the adult you offers comfort and compassion to the young you. Some people resist this exercise because it feels too much like self-pity or selfishness. But it’s important to remember—or to realize—that our woundedness has made us think that any self-care we do is a selfish act. That’s how we get stuck in the pain that keeps us on the far side of the street. It’s also the voice of the internal critic that wants to keep us stuck.
I often try to get people to differentiate between the terms selfish and self-centered. Self-centered describes the negative connotations we associate with being selfish. There is no positive connotation to self-centeredness. But there is a positive connotation to being selfish—namely, self-care. There is no negative sense to the nurturing we give ourselves.
It’s time to start developing a plan for the healing process that leads to a responsive life. We’ll take it step by step.
Find a safe person with whom to share the healing journey
As much as you may be tempted to try to go it alone, you really cannot venture on this healing journey by yourself. It requires a safe traveling companion to walk alongside you. Solomon reminds us, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.”[30]
A safe person is someone who listens in order to understand and who won’t interrupt with a different story unless it helps you both to better understand your story. A safe person is someone who will keep confidential what you share and what you are working on. He or she won’t ever share your story as a “prayer request.” A safe person is someone you can trust, even if it’s difficult for you. Building trust is an important part of the healing process.
Sometimes the only way to find a safe person is to enlist the help of a professional counselor. Counselors have a code of ethics that requires them to be trustworthy. If you choose a professional counselor as your safe person, it will help if he or she understands the Twelve Steps of Life Recovery (see page 167). You have a right to interview a counselor in advance. Once you have found a safe person who will work with you, you are ready for the next step in the healing process.
Several years ago, more than one of my (Steve’s) colleagues on the New Life Live! radio show suggested that I might benefit from some trauma therapy. When Dr. Sheri Keffer, who has some unique training in this area, came on board at New Life, she emphasized the value of trauma therapy even more. I’m willing to try anything that will help me, so I finally signed up for some work with a trauma specialist. This was after I had been told by Dr. Daniel Amen that a CT scan of my brain indicated I had suffered a traumatic brain injury, most likely from playing football.
As I mentioned in our discussion of the impact of trauma in chapter 8, I made some really big mistakes in the area of relationships and maturity during my senior year of high school. I had lived with the shame of it for decades and had staked out my territory in the land of self-condemnation. It was in one of my sessions with the trauma therapist that I realized I had traumatized myself with self-condemnation long before suffering trauma at the hands of others. Then a new light of connection came on as I realized that these mistakes had occurred after the injuries I sustained playing football. The change in my behavior and decision making after the football season was so dramatically different from my behavior before the season that a head injury was the only explanation that made sense.
During another one of the counseling sessions, my therapist was leading me through a visualizing exercise, and he asked me what I was seeing.
I saw six pallbearers—all six of them identical to me—carrying a casket that was completely transparent. Inside the casket was a totally charred black body that was also mine. In this moving image, I watched as the six Steves dumped the old, burned, dead Steve into a dark swamp, then turned and went back the way they had come. I understood that this symbolized—and made very real for me—my letting go of an old self-image, which was now burned and buried in a swamp. When the session was over, I dried my tears and drove home without a word. But as the day and evening went on, a sense of relief welled up in me, and I experienced peace and rest like never before. And that peace has persisted. I had to be willing to take the first step, but the trauma specialist helped me find a comfortable place of redemption and reconciliation with my past. If you’re suffering the effects of trauma, such therapy might do the same for you.
Acknowledge the truth
Healing always begins with an acknowledgment of what happened while we were growing up. I like how The Living Bible paraphrases Jeremiah 6:14: “You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!” The New Living Translation puts it like this: “They offer superficial treatments for my people’s mortal wound. They give assurances of peace when there is no peace.” We’re not doing that here. We are suggesting a healing process that will confront the wounds of our lives head-on.
Later in chapter 6 of Jeremiah, the prophet quotes the Lord as saying, “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls.”[31] The godly way always begins with a decision to face the truth in love. That’s what it means to acknowledge the truth.
We begin by looking at places where we have obviously been wounded. This wounding is often the result of sin—sins we have committed and sins that were committed against us. We are to confess our own sins (see James 5:16 and 1 John 1:9) and forgive those who have sinned against us (see Matthew 6:12). Through forgiveness, God has provided a remedy for both types of sin.
Ask yourself who sinned against you and identify what those sins were. For example, what types of abuse did you experience? Was it neglect? Was it mental, verbal, emotional, sexual, or spiritual abuse, or some combination of them? How severe was the abuse? If you saw another family today do these things to one of their children, would you consider it abuse? Be honest with yourself, because the only person with whom you will share this information at this point (maybe ever) is the safe person you chose. Be careful not to minimize what you experienced. We want to pull up this weed by the roots.
Next, look at your attachment issues, beginning with any you have in your adult relationships. Are you typically a loner? Do you feel self-sufficient? Are you anxious and clingy in your relationships? Are you fearful about how others see you? Do you tend to run either hot or cold in how you relate to others? Are the issues clear in your mind or fuzzy?
What about the traumas you’ve experienced over the years? Again, don’t minimize what has happened to you. Have you experienced any betrayals, either while growing up or as an adult? Has anyone you were close to ever died suddenly? What about being abandoned by a parent, either through death or divorce? That would have a traumatic effect on anyone. Have you experienced anything else that would be considered a trauma? Talk about these things with your safe person. Then move on to the next phase.
Identify your basic emotional posture
There are many ways to evaluate our emotional character, but for our purposes here, the most effective method is to identify four consistent emotional responses that typify our approach to life. Most theorists identify six basic emotions—joy, surprise, fear, anger, sadness, and shame—and our approach is based on the four negative ones: fear, anger, shame, and sadness. Some practitioners refer to disgust instead of shame, but when dealing with issues of c
odependency, shame is a more relevant term to use.
What is your basic emotional posture when faced with high stress or an emotional crisis? Almost every codependent behavior pattern begins from a posture of fear. We’re afraid of what others might think of us. Will they like us? Will they accept us? Will they be nice to us? Questions like these are rooted in a posture of fear. Part of our healing is to learn how to face what we fear and conquer it.
People who are too focused on other people’s problems may approach their relationships from a position of anger. They often express their anger in passive ways that are hard to identify, but their baseline posture is clearly anger. They entertain thoughts such as Why is it always up to me? or Why can’t they handle this better? It is so tiring to always have to take care of this for them. When asked to do something they may say no, but eventually they comply. An angry posture may quickly become an attitude of resentment, in which we reluctantly perform codependent behaviors out of obligation, but without bothering to mask our resentment with caring. Anger is often the position taken by people who still need to face up to and process some deep hurts.
Shame can be a confusing emotional posture. There is a healthy shame that we feel when we’ve done something wrong. Its purpose is to motivate us to make things right. Healthy shame is a component of a healthy conscience, which motivates us to self-correct. But there is also a toxic shame that is unrelated to anything we’ve done but is rooted in how we view ourselves. And how we view ourselves is very often a reflection of how we were treated while growing up.
Take Your Life Back Page 12