by Tyler, Q. B.
Don’t think about his ass, Olivia.
“You were kind of rude to her.” There’s not much emotion to my voice and I’m not even sure why I felt the need to comment. It’s just a statement.
“Don’t start, Olivia,” he growls as he makes his way back into bed. “I’m fucking pissed at her.”
“Just her? Because it’s not all her fault. You were the one that was married. You cheated on me. She didn’t.” I hate her, but I’m not one of those women that misdirects the blame. Bennett cheated on me, she, on the other hand, didn’t have any loyalty to me. She and I didn’t take vows.
Yes, I hate her on the superficial, “she’s not even that pretty, how could he go from me to her” that I fixated on when Alyssa and I drank too much tequila. But the hurt came from Bennett. The pain, the betrayal, that was all at my husband’s hands. Not his mistress’.
“I’m pissed at myself too, is that what you want to hear? I chose to take that anger out on her, sue me.” He rubs his forehead before letting his hand fall. “I hate myself for doing this to us, but she had no business showing up here.”
“Fair. But…” I contemplate not sharing what she told me. Fuck it. “She said you love her.”
“Bullshit.”
My eyes widen at the thought of him not believing what I said. “When have I ever lied to you?”
“I didn’t say you lied. It’s bullshit that I said I loved her,” he explains.
“How would you know?” I snap and hurt flickers over his face.
I expect him to snap back at me, but his shoulders deflate and the apology sits on the tip of my tongue. “That was unnecessary.”
I’m about to apologize when Wren walks through the door. He looks surprised to see me. “Morning, sunshines. Did you… stay the whole night? Or did you leave?” He nods at me and I shake my head.
“I…I stayed.”
Wren doesn’t even try to hide the smile from creeping onto his face. “Is that so?” He’s almost giddy and I roll my eyes at his ongoing Get Bennett and Olivia Back Together campaign.
“I need some coffee.” My tone is even, almost deadpan and Bennett chuckles despite the tension between us before Wren walked in.
“Still not a morning person, huh?” he asks.
“There’s a coffee cart down the hall and to the left,” Wren tells me. “They just opened for the day.”
I nod. “Do you want anything?” I ask Bennett. “Can he have anything?” I ask Wren, remembering his condition and Wren shakes his head.
“Not from there. A nurse will bring him something in a bit.” He pulls the clipboard from the foot of Bennett’s bed and begins to flip through it.
“Take my wallet,” Bennett says and I scrunch my nose at his need to always take care of me.
“What?”
“You never have cash on you and I do,” he says as if it’s the most obvious answer.
“It’s 2019, they take cards,” I argue as a way to say, I don’t need you.
“Actually, they don’t,” Wren adds, “but the one downstairs does.”
“I’ll go to the one downstairs, then,” I tell him before I’m out of the room without another word.
I don’t need Bennett thinking I need him to take care of me. Call me stubborn, but I don’t need to be thinking it either.
I’ve been gone ten minutes, but it’s obvious the air inside Bennett’s room has shifted when I return. It’s tense, like I could slice through it with a knife. My eyes shift back and forth between Bennett and Wren as I try to figure out what it is they’re keeping from me. “What?”
“She’s not going to go for it,” Bennett says. His tone is sad and I avoid his piercing green eyes that are full of anguish as I turn my gaze to Wren.
“I’m not going to go for what?”
Wren shifts back and forth guiltily before he pulls his glasses from his face and stares at me.
“Ben, shouldn’t be alone right now and I think for now…Bennett needs to move back in with you.”
“Excuse me?” I choke out. My skin prickles at the idea and I can’t pinpoint what exact emotion my body is responding to.
“Normalcy, Liv. He needs it and it helps with memory restoration.”
He cannot be serious. We’re going through a divorce! How is living together “normalcy?” “Living with me isn’t his current normalcy. He lives alone or with …”
“He doesn’t. You don’t.” He reassures Bennett, who’s looking at me with a look of terror at the idea of living with his girlfriend.
“It doesn’t mean that living with me is his best option. What about Caroline?” I ask in reference to my insufferable mother-in-law.
“Absolutely not,” Bennett snaps. “I’ll go insane.” He looks at me with his signature look that used to make me melt and give in to whatever he wanted. His face softens, his green eyes are full of sincerity and love. His full lips form a straight line and he looks up at me through thick full lashes.
“You’ve got to be kidding me with this.” I shake my head, the idea of counting to ten long forgotten. “No way. You two aren’t going to bully me into this just because you’re team Liv and Bennett,” I say pointing at Wren, “and you don’t remember anything.” I point at Bennett. “You can’t just move back in and disrupt my life. I have a say in this too and this isn’t fair to me.” The tears well in my eyes more due to anger than sadness. I blink, and one falls down my cheek instantly. I wipe it away and take a step back preparing to make my exit before I completely break down.
“Please don’t cry, Livi.” Bennett shakes his head, and I turn around upon hearing that name as sobs bubble in my throat. “Wren, I’ll come up with something else.” I hear his dejected voice just as the door slams behind me.
I’ve been pacing for no more than five seconds when Wren interrupts my thoughts just as I get to “six.” “Olivia,” he barks out and my eyes snap to his.
“Fuck off,” I growl. “Why would you even put that idea out there?”
“Because it’s not just about you Olivia!” he shouts.
“It’s never been about me! When the fuck has it been about me? When he fucked someone else? When he moved out?” I’m so angry I can’t even think straight let alone focus on my breathing or worry about counting to ten.
“You threw him out! And don’t start that shit with me. You know he’s still crazy about you. He’s apologized a million times. He’d die for you to give him another chance. How long are you going to punish you both for?” He pauses and narrows his gaze before placing his hands on his hips. “You know you still love him.” His voice lowers to a whisper.
I fix my mouth to rebut his comment when he puts a hand up so he can continue. “Right now? The man in there—that’s the man you fell in love with and it scares the shit out of you. It scares you that you need him as much as he needs you.”
“I don’t need him or this. I have a life and a—”
“A what?” he interjects. “A boyfriend you’re using to get over Ben?” His blue eyes narrow in concern, but underneath, I see the judgment lurking.
“You can’t make me feel bad for moving on. He has a—”
“A girlfriend he dumped this morning?” I want to scream at being interrupted again. “Yeah, I happened to see her leaving looking like someone ran over her dog. Can’t say I’m sad to see her go. She sucked.”
“Wow, not the point,” I grit out. Like I give a fuck that he doesn’t like Amanda? My husband did and that was enough.
Ex-husband, my mind clarifies and my heart squeezes in my chest in response.
“And no, I can’t make you feel bad for moving on. But I can make you feel bad for being insensitive right now. He needs you, Olivia. You’re the only person he trusts.”
The feeling isn’t mutual.
“He trusts you,” I inform him.
“He cannot come stay with me and Alyssa, Liv. Lys will murder him in his sleep, and we’re also trying to have a baby which means when we’re not at the hospital, I
’m inside of her.”
“Can you not?” I groan as I try hard not to picture the visual he’s painted.
“I’m serious, Olivia.” He crosses his arms over his chest and his eyes are scolding, which isn’t something I expect from Wren who is perhaps the least confrontational person on the planet. “He needs you.”
I slam the door of my Audi Q3 shut, my lips in the permanent scowl they’ve been in since yesterday when I’d begrudgingly agreed to let Bennett move in temporarily. I’d even enlisted Alyssa to help me shut it down, but I hadn’t banked on Wren wearing her down in a way I couldn’t.
Fucking marriage.
I make my way around the car and see Bennett trying to pull himself upright, out of his wheelchair, and leaning on Wren for support. I know he’s still a little banged up, and Wren said he’d still feel some aches and pains from the accident. When he sees me, he lets go of Wren immediately and gives me a smile. I notice that his facial hair has grown out a bit more, making his beard thicker than usual and I clench at remembering what it felt like between my legs when he let it grow out.
I blink several times as if I try to convince my brain that we are not affected by his perfect one hundred watt smile or the hair that surrounds it.
Or the abs that I could practically make out through his white t-shirt.
Fuck.
His smile falters when he sees the look I’m giving, and I wonder if my unfazed look is coming off as something else entirely. I look away from his face and down his body, seeing him in normal wear instead of the hospital gown.
Caroline had brought some clothes yesterday for him to wear home from the hospital, and my mind immediately curses her for what she chose. I try my best to keep my eyes away from his pelvis, but the gray sweatpants he’s wearing makes my eyes go there almost immediately before sliding up the rest of his frame. A white t-shirt sits underneath his leather jacket and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say Caroline picked these clothes on purpose, knowing that it has the power to turn me on instantly. Visions of dry humping him in my bed while he was wearing only gray sweatpants come at me in full force and instinctively I press my thighs together, trying to dull the ache between my legs brought on by the memory. I remember the way his strong arms would move me back and forth against his cock as a way to get both of us off and my mouth waters. When I meet his gaze again, his eyes are dark and hungry, like he can read my mind and vividly see the dirty images playing on a loop.
“You good, man?” Wren asks, effectively breaking our eye contact. I clear my throat and look away from them before turning back towards my car. “Liv!”
I turn back around and give him a look as he slides two clear bags that have Bennett’s clothes from the accident as well as the medicine he needs to be taking into the backseat of my car. “What?”
“Now you remember what he needs to take and when?” Wren says as he pulls one of the orange pill bottles out of the bag.
I roll my eyes. “I do have two degrees, Wren. I can read.”
“As can I,” Bennett quips from behind him before he slides into my passenger seat.
“I can’t believe I agreed to this,” I whisper. I didn’t stay at the hospital last night. I went home and dwelled on the stupidity of my decision to let Bennett stay with me.
Sure, I was being selfless by pushing my own feelings aside—and helpful and whatever else—but I wasn’t over Bennett. Not by a long shot. And now I was letting him back into my home, our home, and my heart. My heart that hadn’t felt full since the last night he slept there.
Is this the path to reconciliation?
Do I even want to reconcile?
I’m still so angry but do my feelings for him trump my anger?
I’d give anything for him to remember. At least, he’d know where we stood.
Hell, so would I.
When I got home last night, I’d had one too many glasses of wine and then left a very dramatic voicemail on my therapist’s answering machine.
And my mother’s.
And now neither will stop calling me.
Or David for that matter.
I really need to call him back.
Wren motions me a few steps away from my car, just in case Bennett has the window open, to be a bit more out of earshot. “It’s not going to be that bad, Liv. It should only be for a few weeks to a month,” Wren says, interrupting my laundry list of people I’m currently avoiding.
“And if he doesn’t regain his memory?” I rub my hand over my forehead before tucking a wavy strand behind my ear.
“Then we go from there. But at that point, he’ll be strong enough and somewhat acclimated to his new normal that he can be on his own.”
The wind picks up, chilling me down to my bones and I rub my arms to try and warm myself. “Fine.”
“I’ll try and stop by later and check on him, but I have to work late. Call me if you need anything. If you can’t get me, you have the nurse’s number, right?” He looks at me from over his glasses, and I can see something different entirely in his eyes. Maybe he’s realizing that this is going to be harder on me than he thought.
“Yeah.” I let out a breath.
“It’s going to be okay, Liv, I promise.”
“Yeah sure, Wren.” I lean against the car and look up at my best friend’s husband and my husband’s best friend. “I’m scared he’ll break me again,” I blurt out and I can feel the tears in my eyes. I try my best to not let them fall, knowing that the pick-up lane of a hospital is not the place for this breakdown or breakthrough or whatever it is that’s happening to me.
“Hey.” His voice is strong and direct, and when I look up, his glasses have been pushed into his hair. “He hates himself for what he did to you.” I go to say something when he puts a hand up. “I know you think I’d say anything to get you guys back together, but that is the truth, Liv. He made a mistake and he hates himself for it. He went back to her again after that night because she knew the situation. She let him be broken over you. Any other woman would have told him he had too much baggage, or he would have had to hide it from her. He got to be himself with her. He could be with her and still be in love with you. He was using her to try and get over you. Might I add, he was failing.”
My heart softens slightly at the thought, though it does nothing for my subconscious screaming this is exactly what we’re afraid of! “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
He huffs in what I assume to be annoyance. “It’s supposed to make you understand that he is always going to be in love with you.”
“He cheated on me.” And I’m supposed to just ignore that?
“People make mistakes, Olivia, and for someone who’s made a few of her own, you’re certainly on a high fucking horse.”
Is he for real? “I didn’t cheat on him.”
“No, you just left him,” he points out.
“I didn’t leave him,” I snap.
“You sure he knew that?” Wren retorts and I realize he doesn’t mean in the literal sense.
“I’m not arguing with you about this. You can’t compare how I decided to handle my miscarriages—yes plural—to him seeking solace in another woman’s vagina!” I try to keep my voice even, but I can hear the hysteria forcing my voice a few octaves higher. My heart hammers against my ribcage as I feel my body reacting to my words. Deep breaths, Olivia.
“No, but he needed you and you wouldn’t even look at him.” He crosses his arms across his chest, the bottom half of his tattoo sleeve peeking out from his scrubs.
“Because I was depressed!”
“That’s fair. But he begged you to see someone. He wanted to see someone, and you wouldn’t go.”
I shake my head and take a step back. “I’m not going to allow you to villainize me here. Did you tell him all of this?” I nod towards Bennett and he shakes his head.
He slides his hands into his pockets and looks down. “Of course not. He did ask why you didn’t have children though.”
“And
what did you say?”
He meets my gaze. “That he needed to talk to you about that.”
“Great.” I groan as I anticipate a long ride home if he’s going to ask me a million questions.
“I told him to give you some space about it, and not to bombard you with questions. I’m sure he’s pieced some things together.”
I turn around and take a step towards the driver’s seat before turning back around to face Wren. “You know it’s a real fucking shame when it becomes the mother’s fault over how she handles a miscarriage. Miscarriages.” I give him my back again when I hear his voice.
“You’re not the only one that suffered a loss, Olivia. And the fact that you still can’t see that makes you have to shoulder some of the blame as to why your marriage is the way that it is.”
Wren’s words ring through my head as I pull away from the hospital. I pull my sunglasses over my eyes as a way to shield my emotions from Bennett, who I can feel studying me from the other side of the car. “Are you okay?” he asks and I nod once.
“I’m fine. Are you hungry?”
“I ate at the hospital.”
“So that’s a yes?”
He chuckles. “I can eat, but I don’t want to disrupt your day.”
“It’s fine, they know I’ll be working from home for the rest of the week.”
“Is… is that okay?”
“Yep. I’ve also called SPR and told them what’s going on.”
“What did Jeff say?”
“Well…nothing because Jeff doesn’t work for SPR,” I tell him and I can sense his jaw dropping in my periphery.