by Julia Hoban
“Amazing,” David agrees. “What’s so extraordinary about it is that it reads as so much more than an anthropological text because . . .Wait a minute. . . .” His smiles fades as abruptly as a light being switched off. “Willow. I don’t think you have that kind of time right now. Are you totally caught up in your classes? You’re not falling behind, are you? And you didn’t answer me about your paper. Do you have a rough draft already? Why are you even thinking of reading Tristes Tropiques?”
It’s as if that brief, pleasant interlude never even happened. “Right, you’re right,” Willow says, too dispirited to even argue. “I should be getting on with my school stuff. Here,” she says, digging into her bag. “I cashed my paycheck yesterday and I forgot to give Cathy the housekeeping money before I left for school this morning.”
She shoves a handful of bills across the table. David looks at them as if they were poisoned, then, reluctantly, puts them into his wallet.
“Thank you,” he mumbles.
“You’re welcome.” Willow is just as stiff. She hates it when he thanks her for her pitiful contribution. Hates it.
“Hey.” David is staring at her arm, his now familiar frown in place. “Did you cut yourself?”
Willow is startled for a moment. Then she glances down at her arm. She tries to see Guy’s bandage the way that David might be seeing it. Dirty for sure, but not much more than that. A single bandage is a pretty innocent thing.
“Yes, David.” She looks straight at him. “I cut myself.”
The irony of this is overwhelming. The whole experience of sitting there with him is overwhelming. She can’t stay there with him anymore, and talk without saying anything. She has to leave, but how? Willow is diverted suddenly by a group of people laughing and talking especially loudly on the other side of the street.
Guy.
Laurie’s there too, and so is Adrian—at least Willow thinks she recognizes the guy whose arm is around Laurie’s waist. Willow isn’t familiar with any of the other people that are with them.
“I have to go.” Willow looks back at her brother. “I’m meeting my friends.” She barely winces at the lie. They’re certainly not expecting her. And they’re certainly not her friends. Well, Guy is something more than a friend, although just what he is exactly isn’t clear. But they’re a believable excuse, they’re giving her a way out.
Willow hurries across the street. She’s sure that her brother is watching her and she hopes that if she won’t be greeted with open arms, she at least will be allowed to join their little group.
She’s worried that Guy won’t want to see her. Why should he, after all? She’s nothing but trouble to him. Their pact didn’t extend beyond cutting and calling.
Willow is a few steps behind them now. They haven’t seen her, and in spite of the fact that she’s feeling lonely, she knows that if her brother weren’t looking she would walk away as fast as she could in the other direction.
Willow takes a deep breath.
Out of the frying pan . . .
“Hi,” she says, touching Guy’s sleeve.
Guy turns around, as does everyone else. It takes all of her courage to stand there and hold her ground, but she’s rewarded for it, because Guy smiles at her, and Laurie acts as if her joining them is the most natural thing in the world.
“Hey, Willow, wanna hang in the park with us? You can help me convince Adrian that I should color my hair.”
Willow doesn’t care that Laurie’s range of interests is limited, to say the least. She’s too relieved by her casual acceptance to be critical.
“Hi.” Guy isn’t quite as forthcoming, but he takes the time to introduce her around. “You remember Adrian? This is Chloe, and Andy.” He gestures toward the rest of the group. “You guys know Willow yet?”
“Oh yeah, I’ve seen you around school.” Andy nods. Chloe doesn’t really pay her any attention. She’s too busy scrounging in her bag for something. “Can anyone lend me some money?”
“What for?” Andy reaches into his pocket.
“Ice cream.” Chloe nods toward the small truck at the entrance to the park.
“Get me one too.” Andy gives her a fistful of change.
“You want some?” Guy asks Willow.
“Oh, no. . . .” Willow shakes her head. She wonders if Guy thinks it’s strange that she’s joined them. She looks at him sideways. He seems to be taking her appearance in stride.
“Where to?” Andy asks as Chloe returns with the ice cream.
“I can’t believe you eat that stuff.” Laurie shakes her head at Chloe.
“Why not? No carbs.” Chloe waves her fuchsia-colored Popsicle at Laurie.
“Try no fat. All carbs,” Laurie says, but Chloe just shrugs.
“How about by the river.” Andy looks at Guy. “I want to check out the boats.”
“No river,” Adrian says firmly. “I need to lie down. You know, grass.”
“Haven’t you guys had enough of the river anyway?” Chloe asks as she makes quick work of her Popsicle.
“You have a point.” Guy looks at Willow. “Andy is on the crew team with me. I think I told you that we row three mornings a week.”
“Yeah, this morning was pretty bad, though.” Andy frowns. “I really want to shave, I don’t know, about ten seconds off of our time.”
“Then you’re going to have to do some extra cardio,” Guy says. “I’m telling you that’s what’s stopping us. But I’ve got news for you, I am notinterested in spending more time at the gym.”
“No rowing talk!” Chloe insists. “It’s beyond boring.”
“It’s perfect right over here,” Laurie says, gesturing to a clearing under some cherry trees. She flops down on the grass before anyone can object.
“Did you bring nail stuff?” She looks over at Chloe as she takes a file out of her bag and gets to work.
“I did.” Chloe begins unloading her bag. “But I’m totally out of that color you like.”
“Are you comfortable?” Guy asks Willow as she tries to arrange her backpack like a pillow.
“Not quite.” She takes the Bulfinchout of her bag to see if that will make it any more yielding.
“My hands are all sticky now.” Andy makes a face.
“Yeah, mine too.” Chloe looks put out.
“Here, try this.” Guy hands Willow a rolled-up sweatshirt out of his own bag.
“Thank you.” Willow places it carefully on the ground, then turns toward Andy. “I have some of those wipey things,” she offers. She carries them with her everywhere, they’re perfect for cleanup after a little razor work.
“Great.” Andy catches the little foil packets.
“Are you giving her your dirty old sweatshirt?” Adrian laughs.
“It hasn’t been cold enough to wear it yet.” Guy gives him a look.
Willow leans back on the rolled-up sweatshirt. It makes a perfect pillow, and it certainly doesn’t smell bad either.
“Would you pass me the remover?” Laurie puts her nail file down and reaches out her hand.
“Here, give this to her.” Chloe nudges Andy with her elbow.
“How about you, Willow?” She makes a gesture with a bottle of nail polish.
“No, I’m good.” Willow turns her hands palm side up to hide her nails, which are bitten to the quick.
“Aren’t we going to a movie?” Adrian stretches out his legs and rests his booted feet on Laurie’s lap.
“That’s not until later.” She gives him a shove. “Get off! You’re way too heavy.”
“Are you up for a movie?” Guy’s voice is too quiet for anyone else to hear.
“Maybe,” Willow is surprised to hear herself saying.
“Who’s reading the Bulfinch?” Chloe asks. She waves her hands in the air to dry her nails.
“Myths and Heroes!” Laurie picks up the book and riffles through it. “I loved that class!”
“They should change the name to Gods and Goddesses,” Chloe remarks.
&nbs
p; “You’re right,” Guy agrees. “That’s what the class is really about.”
“You like Greek myths?” Willow looks at Laurie.
“Oh, you know, they’re okay. It’s more that it’s such an easy class to do well in. I loveeasy A’s. If only I had some classes like that this year.” She puts the book down and reaches for the bottle of polish. “This semester is so key. It’s like schools want to see that you’re still really committed—”
“No! No!” Andy sits up and claps his hands over his ears. “Stop her, Adrian! I can’t listen to her go on about this stuff one more time! She’s obsessed! God, and you guys think rowing is boring!”
Laurie makes a face at him, but Adrian just laughs and turns toward Willow. “So what about you?” he asks. “Do you like the class?”
“I should,” Willow says with a wry smile. “Because I do love the classics, but actually, I’m having a hard time with it.”
“Really?” Guy seems surprised. “C’mon, you must have been raised on this stuff. I can’t believe you’d find it difficult.”
“Raised on it?” Chloe looks confused. “What do you mean?” She looks at Willow expectantly.
“Well, I . . .” Willow pauses. “My parents were both professors.” It comes out in a rush. But there. She’s done. They can all go back to talking about Myths and Heroes.
“What kind?” Adrian says.
“Were?” Andy says.
No. She’s not done. There’s no getting away from it. She will be pursued by this kind of question until the day that she herself dies. Out of the corner of her eye, Willow can see Guy getting ready to say something. She has a feeling that he’s going to change the subject. Take the heat off, just the way he did with Laurie the other day.
But this time she won’t let him. She deserves this question, this punishment.
“They’re dead,” she says flatly.
“That’s pretty harsh, huh?” Andy shakes his head. “You know, I thought that I heard something like that.”
Pretty harsh? Pretty harsh? You idiot! Harsh is Laurie not getting into the school she wants. Harsh is you not being able to shave some time off your rowing!This is not harsh!
“I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” Laurie’s voice is hardly above a whisper as she reaches out and gives Willow’s arm a brief squeeze.
Willow just nods, but she’s touched. She would never have looked for any kind of support from Laurie.
The rest of the group is silent. Willow is glad that she’s not on the receiving end of the look that Guy is giving Andy.
“So.” Adrian clears his throat. “Maybe we should check on the movie times now.”
“Yeah, good idea.” Chloe nods. She rifles through her bag for her cell phone and punches in a number. “I need a pen.” She frowns.
“One sec.” Andy looks in his backpack, but he doesn’t find anything, and his gaze falls on Willow’s, which is lying half-open, spilling her belongings onto the grass.
“You mind?” He reaches across for a pen.
“Excuse me?” Willow is startled. She had no idea that most of her things were on display.
“Here, let me get one for you . . .” She tries to head him off at the pass, give him the pen instead of having him root around in her stuff for it. In the process she manages to spill the boxes of razors out onto the lawn. The boxes themselves are plain brown, but the bright red lettering emblazoned on the sides looks like blood against the grass.
Andy raises an eyebrow, but it’s Guy who says something.
“Thanks for picking these up for me. What do I owe you?”
Willow is surprised, but she plays along. “Oh, don’t worry about it, they hardly cost anything.” She’s sure that nothing too terrible would have happened if Guy hadn’t copped to the blades. The brand-new boxes of razors are a lot less suspicious-looking than the single bloody razor that she’d spilled in front of him. Not only that, but she suspects that Andy isn’t that perceptive. He’d neverfigure anything out.
But she’s glad that she doesn’t have to worry about the possibility. She’s glad that Guy made sure that she wouldn’t have to. For a second she feels like she and Guy are in a conspiracy against everyone else.
“What do you need with all those razor blades?” Laurie looks at Guy.
“Just something I’m working on.” He brushes off the question.
“An extra credit project?” She looks interested.
“Okay.” Chloe closes her cell phone with a snap. “There’s a show in like twenty minutes. We can make it if we hurry.” She jumps to her feet and starts gathering her things.
So does everyone else, except for Willow, who is silent, still thinking about the way Guy just covered for her, and Guy, who is watching her.
“You coming?” Adrian looks at Willow.
“You want to just stay in the park?” Guy puts the boxes of blades in his backpack.
Willow isn’t sure if he’s just continuing the charade, or if his goal really is to confiscate the razors. But would he do that? She did tell him, the other day in the library, that getting rid of her blades would be futile.
Well, now she has to stay with him. Just to get the blades back.
Is that why he did it? So that I would stay with him?
“Are you staying?” she asks.
“If you are.”
“I’m staying,” she says after a moment.
“I think we’re going to forget the movie.” Guy leans back on his elbows.
“Sure.” Adrian doesn’t seem to care one way or the other.
Chloe is busy dusting the grass off of her jeans, and Andy and Laurie are already on their way out of the park.
“You didn’t have to do that.” Willow turns to Guy as soon as everyone is out of earshot. “I mean, about the razor blades. He would never have figured it out. I can tell.” She blushes a little as she realizes how ungrateful she sounds. “Thank you though. For doing it anyway.”
“I did have to do it.” Guy shakes his head. “Oh, you’re right, he would never have figured it out, but I was angry at myself. I put you in the position of having to tell everyone about your parents.” He pauses for a second. “I can see how hard that is for you.” His tone is particularly gentle as he says this.
But Willow is stung by the sympathy in his voice.
“Wouldn’t it just be easier for you if he found out anyway?” She says this so loudly that a couple walking by turn and stare. She knows he’s being kind, sensitive, unlike that clod Andy, but she hatesbeing the object of anyone’s pity. “Wouldn’t that be better? Then you wouldn’t have to worry about keeping my secret. Someone else could tell my brother.”
“Yeah, well, maybe you’re right,” Guy snaps back. “It would be easier for me. But something tells me that Andy isn’t exactly the best person to be in on this.”
“I’m sorry,” Willow says after a few moments.
“It’s okay.” Guy sits up abruptly. He picks up a twig and starts drawing in the dirt.
“You’re the one who’s right,” Willow goes on. “He’d be the worst person. He’s so crass, how do you two even know each other?”
“I don’t know him that well—I mean, we row together and sometimes we hang out, but we never really talk. He makes fun of Laurie, but he’s the same way. Only with him, instead of SATs and recommendations, it’s all about rowing and what frat he’s going to join.”
“Laurie isn’t so bad,” Willow says thoughtfully, remembering the other girl’s sympathetic gesture. She turns over on her stomach and props her chin on her fists; her elbows rest on the rolled up sweatshirt.
“Yeah, she’s okay, a little obsessive maybe. . . .”
“You think?” Willow laughs. “How do you know her? She’s not on the crew team, is she?”
“No. I really know her through Adrian.” Guy tosses the twig away and lies back down. “We’ve been friends forever. I used to see Laurie around the halls, but I never really talked to her until they started going out, sophomore yea
r. Same with Chloe, I know her through Laurie. I think Andy’s kind of interested in her, and he figured that since we’re on the same team, that was as good an excuse as any to hang out with us.” He shrugs.
“Laurie didn’t tell you anything about me, did she?” Willow asks as she fiddles with a dandelion.
“Like what? Does she know about your cutting?” Guy is taken aback.
“No! No. I just got to talking to her and some other girls in school a couple of days ago. And, well, as usual the whole thing fell apart. I said some really stupid stuff. I thought she might have repeated it.”
“You know, Willow, I don’t think people are really talking about you. At least not the way you mean. I certainly haven’t heard anyone say anything.” Guy takes the dandelion, which is now mangled, out of Willow’s hands. “I think maybe it’s all in your head.”
“Andy seemed to know all about me,” Willow mutters. She starts to bite her nails, then shifts her position so she can shove her hands into her pockets. “That girl in the physics lab, what’s her name? Vicki? She said something too.”
“Okay, I’ll give you Andy, and Vicki too, and maybe there aresome other people saying stuff, but really, I would think that’s the least of what you have to deal with. I mean seriously, even though Andy was a complete idiot, was it so bad today? Wasn’t it okay being with the rest of us?” Guy picks another dandelion. “Here, take this one.” He tugs her hand out of her pocket and wraps it around the stem of the dandelion.
“Are you kidding?” Willow snorts. She starts shredding the flower. “Okay, so after I tell everyone that my parents are dead, and after Andy is so sympathetic,everyone runs out of here like I’m contagious! Theirparents aren’t going to die because they’ve talked to me!”
“I don’t think that’s what was going on,” Guy says thoughtfully. “I know that wasn’t what was going on with Adrian. He was trying to be helpful, change the subject, take the spotlight off of you.”
“Oh.” Willow thinks about this for a minute. She’s not sure that she believes Guy, but she’d like to, and she has to admit that he has a point, with all the things that she has going on right now, suddenly whether or not people are gossiping about her doesn’t seem to matter that much.