by L. S. Pullen
I follow as he leads me through the crowd of people, then signals to the giant.
“Jase, I’m going to walk her out. Don’t let anyone else in.”
He nods and crosses his arms.
Charlie places the palm of his hand on the small of my back, walking beside me until we reach the car. I click unlock.
He pulls me in for a hug. “Please, let me know you get home, okay? And I’m sorry,” he says, looking around.
“Don’t be. I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
“Of course.” He kisses my cheek, opens my door, waiting for me to get in. He closes it behind me and watches as I pull away.
I drive in a daze. It’s only when I pull onto the gravel that it registers I’m back. I shake my head—zoning out like that and driving do not mix. I switch off the engine and stare at the steering wheel. I feel a stabbing sensation in my chest again, but I’m not sure if it’s jealousy or my hurt pride. Up until now, I would question if I still had any pride. But I do. And it hurts. He’s angry, and I get that, but doing a typical Nate and hooking-up makes me sick to my stomach.
Am I naïve for thinking we had something? We crossed a line. He made me feel so secure one minute, and then trampled on it the next. It’s all bullshit, and I’m a fool for even thinking there was a chance for us—for me to have a semi-normal relationship.
A buzz in the cup holder draws my attention.
Charlie: I hope you got home safe? Try not to be too hard on him. Once he sleeps it off, he’ll see what a dick he’s been. If you need anything, you know where I am. I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to catch up properly, see you tomorrow xo
Me: I just got home. See you tomorrow x
I wipe at the moisture on my face—crying isn’t going to fix anything, least of all this shit-storm. I just hope for everyone else’s sake, he turns up tomorrow. Trying to cover for him with the rest of his family today has been a mission and a half. My only saving grace is that they are all staying in the cottage, not the main house. But come tomorrow, if he’s a no-show… No amount of words are going to cut it.
Chapter Nineteen
Tense sleep eludes me, and although my body is lethargic, I know the only thing that will help me right now is to run.
I don’t manage to get very far. My legs feel like they are drowning in quicksand, and I didn’t eat much yesterday. I need to have a protein shake or something. A cramp in my calf causes me to cease-up. I lift my leg and grab hold of my ankle. Balancing, I try to stretch it out. Once I think it’s subsided, I head back towards the house.
I hear tyres crunch on the gravel. It’s too early to be anyone for the funeral—it must be Nate.
I walk a little faster as I round the far side of the house, stopping when I hear the echo of voices. It’s Nate. I smile as I see him leaning against the passenger door of a car I don’t recognise. I also see a girl standing close—too close. She moves so she’s practically between his legs, and I strain my ears, trying to ignore my heartbeat so I can listen to what’s being said.
“You sure I can’t do anything else? Do you want me to come in with you?” Her hand touches his arm.
“No thanks, and I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He looks towards the house.
She moves her hand to his cheek. “What about a kiss?”
Oh my God.
She touches him with familiarity, making my blood boil.
My body begins to tremble, as I suck in short, sharp breaths, the air around me thick. The tips of my fingers go numb as I squeeze my fists tightly. My stomach clenches in anguish.
I watch on, frozen where I stand, unable to look away. She goes onto her tiptoes, angling her lips over his. His hand goes up to the back of her neck. An involuntary gasp escapes my lips. I cover my mouth, stepping back out of sight. Bile rises up my throat, and I scuttle back the way I came as I dry heave into the nearest bush.
The worst-case scenario—I thought he might hook up with her. But seeing that? I spent all day yesterday worried about him, feeling guilt over my omission, and covering for him just to be…played. I swipe away tears from my face angrily as I head in through the back door so they won’t see me. I sprint through the kitchen and take the stairs two at a time.
I shut my door quietly as I kick off my trainers. I go straight into the bathroom and start the shower. Stripping off my clothes, I step straight in—not even bothering to check the temperature. I find the flannel and scrub every inch of my body vigorously. I want to rid my body of every touch, every kiss from the past twenty-four hours. My tears mix with the spray of water as it ricochets off my body until my legs give out, and I slump into a crouching position. Then I let myself cry in silence.
After I’m dressed and downstairs, getting everything together for today, my mum arrives. I rush to her as she envelopes me in her arms.
“Sweetie?” she asks, pulling back to look at my face. She studies me for a moment before taking me by the hand. We walk into the living room, and she closes the door behind us.
“Talk to me?”
I go to speak, but the words are trapped behind unshed tears. She pulls me into a hug and rubs my back. I concentrate on her breathing and inhale her scent—it helps to calm me, in a way only my mum has the power.
“Oh, Mum… I don’t know what happened. One minute, Nate and I are getting on, you know? Like the last couple of years didn’t happen. And then the next, he overhears me talking to Evie about Lawry, whom it turns out isn’t—I mean, wasn’t his biological grandfather. Did you know? I only found out right before we flew out here. He’s so angry, he thinks I kept it from him on purpose, that I betrayed his trust.”
“Oh, sweetie…I agree it wasn’t your place to tell him. Whatever their reasons are between Nate and his grandparents,” she says, wiping my hair out of my face.
“You knew?”
She nods. “Do you remember when Lawry was really ill? He was admitted into hospital?”
I nod as she continues.
“Evie was in a right state, and it slipped out, so Nana explained it to me.” She takes hold of my hands in hers. “Listen to me, Nate is going through a lot right now, and finding out something like that on top of it would mess with anyone’s head. When Nana told me how close you’d become over the past week, I was taken aback. You don’t trust as easily, but you and he have always had a bond.”
I let out an almost snort at her words. “What? No, I mean—” I put my hands behind my back.
“Listen, I know this is overwhelming. Just work on getting through today, okay?”
I nod. “I love you.”
“Not as much as I love you. Now, come on.”
We head back into the kitchen, where she leaves me to find Nana.
The hairs on the back of my neck rise. I know it’s him before I turn to confirm it. He pauses mid-step. My eyes meet his. I want to look away, and the petulant child inside tells me to give him the middle finger, but instead, I hold his stare before I turn back to the kettle.
His footsteps echo as his dress shoes meet with the marble floor.
I feel his breath on my neck before I hear his words. “Did you pick up my suit?”
I nod but don’t look at him.
“And the headache tablets…was that you, too?”
I nod again and glance at him.
He stuffs his hands in his trouser pockets.
“Thank you.”
I shrug. “I did it for Evie.” My words have a hint of anger, which isn’t like me. But it’s the truth.
Whatever rebuttal he might have dies on his lips. I turn as Evie enters, an audible gasp escaping her lips. She covers her mouth, eyes welling up. He shifts, and then in two strides, he wraps her frail frame in his arms.
I choke back the sensation in the back of my throat. My nose tingles while I busy myself, making them both a cup of tea. I almost laugh at the irony and at Sophie’s words. Why do us Brits think tea solves everything? Out of the corner of my eye, I see him pull away. He’s about to make some kind of speech
or apology—I don’t know—but I don’t want to be here to witness it. I clear my throat.
“I made you some tea. Why don’t you go to the living room for some privacy? The caterers will be delivering the food any minute. I’ll take care of it.”
“Felicity, you sure, sweetheart?” Evie asks behind a sniff.
“Yes. I’m here to help.”
“You, my dear, are an angel,” she answers, causing my embarrassment to rise.
Nate walks back over and picks up both cups off of the counter. I shift towards the sink and work on wiping over the kitchen counter as they leave the room.
“Knock-knock.”
I turn around.
“Charlie.” It’s nice to see a friendly face. He pulls me into a hug, which I accept gratefully—I’m not tactile, but it’s clear Charlie is a hugger, and I think I need the re-assurance or something.
“So, is he here?” he asks, fiddling with the lid of the kettle.
“Yep, he’s in the living room talking to Evie. He sure as hell owes her an apology,” I say, shaking my head.
“He does. You look tired. What time did he get his sorry arse home?”
“Early. I saw, who I can only presume is Rachel, with her tongue down his throat when she dropped him home.”
He grabs the back of his neck. “Ah shit. I don’t know what to say.”
I put my palm on his chest. “There’s nothing you can say. Don’t fret about it.”
He places his hand over mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. We’re interrupted when the caterers arrive with many trays of nibbles. Evie has always been an exceptional host, and today is no different. Charlie helps me organise them as we take them into the dining room.
Everything set, Charlie approaches me. “Promise you won’t be a stranger after today? I’ve missed you, and so has he,” he says, tilting his head.
“Well, he sure has a funny way of showing it.”
“That he does.”
I feel myself begin to well up but swallow hard to keep it at bay. Charlie palms my cheek and I lean into it.
Someone clears their throat.
I step back, and he drops his hand. I know it’s Nate, and I can’t stop the unease and heat that floods my body.
“The cars are almost here,” he says, monotone.
“Hey, man. How are you feeling?” Charlie asks, walking towards him.
“Like shit, obviously,” he snaps.
Charlie holds up his hands, palms facing Nate.
“Shit I didn’t mean—” Nate says, but Charlie cuts off his poor attempt of an apology.
“Whatever, mate. Water off a duck’s back.” He pulls Nate in for hug and a loud pat on the back.
“I’ll see you outside,” Charlie says, and then looks at me, his lips quirking awkwardly as he leaves.
I follow suit, beginning to leave, but Nate stops me with a hand on my arm. I push it away.
“Wait, Flick.”
“What is it, Nate?” I don’t want to be a bitch, but I need to keep my shit together and get through the funeral.
“We need to talk… What was that I just saw with you and Charlie?”
My head shoots in his direction. I give him a long, hard stare.
“Are you flipping kidding me?” I try to keep my temper in check, but my breathing accelerates as my nostrils flare.
“Shit… I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying.”
I see moisture in his eyes, and my anger dissipates, slightly.
“Let’s just go wait for the cars, okay? Evie needs you right now.”
“I know, and I need you,” he says.
I want to kick him in the shin and run away, but instead, I take his hand in mine.
“Let’s go then.” I pull him with me to go join the rest of the family as the cars begin to arrive.
The funeral is bittersweet. I couldn’t contain my tears when I saw Nate crying. The only time he let me leave his side was when he helped carry the casket, and when he gave his eulogy. I held on to one hand, and Evie held onto the other. It was a beautiful service, and an even better turn out—to know he impacted this many people is a testament to the kind of man he was.
Back at the house for the wake, it’s full of people. Nate, Evie and the family speak to everyone who has taken time to pay their respects. Mum had to leave straight after the service—she has a shift tonight and couldn’t get cover. I wanted to leave with her, but I can’t. Not yet.
I’ve been looking everywhere for Nana. Worry begins to line my stomach—she’s not in her room, or anywhere else I can think to look. Where would she go? I head to the library on a whim—it’s the only other place in the house I haven’t checked. Sure enough, when I push open the door, she’s there, her back to me, staring out of the window. I approach. She’s holding a small book close to her chest.
“Hey, I’ve been looking for you. Are you okay?” I ask, touching her shoulder.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you worry. Are you all right?”
I nod. “I’m fine.” It’s times like this I wish I had a poker face like Papi.
She tilts her head. “No, you’re not.”
I look out of the window. “It isn’t important. Besides, today isn’t about me.”
“It is about you, though. Don’t you see?”
Oh, no. Today has clearly gotten to her. “See what?” I ask, worried. It’s hit her harder than I realised.
“You and Nate.”
My mouth falls open as I turn to look at her. “What about us? There is no me and Nate,” I say with a frustrated sigh, crossing my arms.
“’Course there is.”
I shake my head.
“I can tell you’re trying to fight it, and you have reasons, but whether you want to accept it or not, I believe you’re destined to be together. Now is probably not the best time for this talk, so for now, can this old Nana of yours ask a favour?”
“Of course, but you’re not old,” I say, crossing my eyes.
“I’m old—let’s not drink champagne on beer money, dear,” she says, smiling. “Now about that favour, come and give me a squeeze.”
I smile and embrace her, breathing her in deep. Her warmth wraps around me like my favourite blanket as remnants of Coco Chanel tickle my nose.
“So, am I correct in presuming you’ll be leaving tonight?”
I stiffen a little. “Yes. With everything, I think it’s for the best, and I need some breathing space. How did you know?” I ask, curious.
“I noticed your case was by the door in your bedroom.”
I nod. I packed it as soon as I got out of the shower—whether Nate came back today or not, my mind was already made up.
“I’m sorry for letting you down. If you need me to stay, I will. I’ll tell Simon not to bother picking me up.”
“No, dear, I’ll be fine with Evie. I understand…but what about Nathaniel?”
“He’ll be fine. He has Charlie,” I reply, and maybe even Rachel if she shows up. I feel the bile rising, so I cough, hoping it will subside. The last thing I want is to be sick.
“Charlie isn’t you, though, is he?”
I shake my head. A few stray tears manage to escape.
“It’s good to see,” she says and wipes my face with her hankie. “As heartbreaking as it to see you hurting, it’s better than you bottling it up. It’s good for the soul—to cry.”
It’s easy for her to say. I’ve never felt more vulnerable.
Standing alone, I’m holding onto a plate of untouched food like a lifeline when Charlie approaches.
“You’ve been great today,” he says, knocking his elbow into my shoulder.
I stare up at him. “It’s what you do for family,” I say, trying to shake off the compliment.
“It’s not just that… I saw how you never once pushed Nate away—not even after what he’s put you through. You, my friend, are a saint.”
“Well, I’m not going to lie, I was this close to kicking him in the shin.” I hold up my t
humb and forefinger with the tiniest gap. “He had the audacity to insinuate something was going on with you and me,” I say, waving my hand between us.
Charlie pauses with his glass at his lips. “He what?”
“Exactly. I know, right? And then to top it off, I see Rachel arrive with someone who—it turns out—is her fiancé. I don’t know why I feel guilty, it’s not like I’m the one cheating.”
“Ah yeah…that is fucked up—I mean, complicated. I don’t understand it, if I’m honest. Nate hasn’t seen her for ages.”
“Well, it’s none of my business, and I don’t really want to talk about it. I know I’ve been absent, but it wasn’t an easy decision, and believe it or not, I do care about them.” I don’t want to go into detail, and if anyone would understand, it’s him. Growing up, he was always more of an observer than a talker.
“It’s called family, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be giving him an earful once today is out of the way,” Charlie says.
I shake my head, beginning to collect plates. He falls in step beside me to help. It makes me smile when I see how many glasses he can collect—you can take the boy out of the bar, but you can’t take the bar out of the boy.
A vibration alerts me to what I’ve been dreading. Simon is here.
“Charlie, you’re going to think I’m a right heartless bitch, and the timing couldn’t be worse, but I asked my friend to come pick me up. I need space. There’s a lot to process. Can you promise me you’ll look after Nate?”
“Of course. I don’t think badly of you. Yes, he’ll be crushed, but you have to do what’s right for you. If anyone can understand that, it’s me.”
“I know I’m a coward, but I was hoping you could tell him once I’m gone. I’ll ring him in a few days.”
He looks torn but thankfully agrees. I go to find Evie and Nana.
“I’m really sorry that I’m leaving it’s just with everything—”
Evie shushes me. “I understand, honey. He was hard on you, and I told him as much this morning. Just promise you won’t leave for so long next time? You’re like a granddaughter to me.”
I nod, pulling her into a hug. “Of course, I won’t,” I whisper into her ear.