‘Quinn?’
She looked back to Hannah. ‘Sorry, what were you saying?’
‘I said that Joseph invited me to his house for dinner on Friday night,’ Hannah said.
‘Sorry, who’s Joseph again?’
Hannah sighed. ‘My tutor. Have you not been listening to a word I’ve said?’
‘Your tutor invited you to his house? Isn’t that a bit weird?’
‘That’s what I thought at first.’ Hannah’s face was flushed with pleasure. ‘But his wife and kids are going to be there, so it’s actually less weird than if we did it here.’
‘Did what here?’
‘Oh my god, Quinn. He’s going to give me extra tutoring.’
‘What did you say his name is again?’
Quinn darted another look at Travis, who was now nuzzling his girlfriend’s neck while she laughed at something one of the other guys had said. She watched as he took the girl’s earlobe lightly between his teeth. He used to do that to Quinn, and every time it would send an involuntary shiver down the left side of her body. Every time, it would make her want sex, and he’d known it, which was why he’d done it so often. It made her want sex now, which only made her angry that he could still affect her like this.
‘Joseph Harris,’ Hannah said.
Quinn dragged her attention back to her friend. Joseph Harris. She’d heard that name somewhere before, but she couldn’t remember where or in what context. ‘Brilliant, you say? You got the hots for him or something?’
‘Of course not!’ Hannah laughed, but her face was turning that curious shade of pink again that somehow made her even more beautiful. ‘He says I’ve got a lot of potential, I just need some extra help, that’s all. I’d be an idiot to pass up this opportunity.’
‘Want another beer?’ Quinn asked, standing up.
‘I’ve only just started,’ Hannah said. ‘But you go ahead.’
It was while she was standing at the bar that Quinn remembered where she’d heard Harris’s name. She’d struck up a conversation with some guy at the pub a few weeks ago and he’d been all morose about his ex-girlfriend (boring). Quinn had switched off after a while, but now she remembered him complaining that his ex was always going on about needing to meet up with her tutor. Turned out she’d been having an affair with him, and she’d dumped this dude because apparently he wasn’t intellectual enough for her. Quinn had instantly dismissed him as not worth her while and turned her attention elsewhere, but now she thought about it, he had mentioned the tutor’s name, and she was pretty sure it had been Harris. Apparently, he’d invited this girl over to his house for dinner right at the start.
Quinn glanced across the room at Hannah. Surely she was too smart to be taken in by such predatory behaviour. But her friend was clutching her pint glass in both hands and smiling to herself, like she had a special secret. Quinn sighed. She should warn her, just in case. She took her beer back over to the table.
‘Are you sure you don’t mind me piking on the Ex on Friday night?’ Hannah said as Quinn resumed her seat.
‘What, you’re going to study on a Friday night?’
‘Well, that’s when he invited me over.’ Hannah looked defensive now.
‘Are you serious? I can’t believe you’re blowing me off to hang out with some old guy and his family,’ Quinn said peevishly.
Hannah’s mouth turned down at the sides. ‘He’s not old. And anyway, it wouldn’t kill you to go out with someone else once in a while. Surely you’ve got other friends?’
This hurt, because Quinn didn’t, really. It hurt because she depended on Hannah more than she’d ever expected to. It hurt because it didn’t matter that she and Hannah weren’t physical … it had always felt like Hannah was the one she was in a relationship with. When they were together, it was so obvious to everyone around them that they preferred one another’s company to anyone else’s that they seemed to repel other potential friends. Quinn had never cared about that, though, and she’d assumed Hannah felt the same way.
‘I have to start planning my future,’ Hannah went on, ‘and, to be honest, I’m ready to move on from the constant benders.’
‘Hanging out with me, you mean,’ Quinn said.
‘Oh, grow up, Quinn,’ Hannah said wearily.
It had been on the tip of Quinn’s tongue to tell her what she’d heard about Harris, but this last comment sliced through her like a hot knife. She drained the rest of her beer in a couple of gulps and stood up. ‘Well, enjoy.’
‘Quinn—’ Hannah began, but Quinn didn’t wait around to hear what she’d been going to say.
CHAPTER TEN
HANNAH
Quinn’s words echoed in Hannah’s head for most of the day. It had been a shock to hear her bring up the past, out loud, with Ethan right there on the balcony, only a pane of glass between them. The very idea of him knowing about that part of her life filled her with dread.
There’d long been an unspoken agreement between her and Quinn that they would never discuss what had happened. But a tiny seed of resentment was permanently stuck between Hannah’s teeth from the knowledge that she owed Quinn a debt. And that seed only irritated her further as the years went on and their lives moved in different directions. Hannah felt like she’d never quite been able to leave it behind while Quinn was still around. Not that she wanted Quinn out of her life, of course … but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t sometimes wish there was something to even things up between them a bit.
And now …
Hannah didn’t want to examine this small, mean part of herself, but when she looked at it, really looked at it …
Yes. There had been a small element of … not quite satisfaction. Not relief. Definitely not happiness. Nothing that horrible. But it was something. Something ugly. She didn’t want to be that person. She wasn’t that person. Nevertheless, there it was: this guilty pleasure at being able to be the saviour this time.
Anyway, the circumstances were completely different. In Quinn’s case, it was clear who was to blame, but Hannah couldn’t say the same for herself.
Despite her reluctance to think about it, seeing Angela Harris the week before Christmas had triggered something in her mind. At first, only the horror of the way it had ended, and the terrible anticipation of being found out. Then, as she tugged on the end of her memories, they’d begun to unravel backwards like a roll of paper towel, taking her all the way back to how it had started.
She’d just turned twenty-one and was finally starting to feel like a real adult. It had felt good to leave her adolescence behind, to make plans for the future while still enjoying her youth. She and Quinn had burned brightly through the pubs and nightclubs of Adelaide, leaving a trail of hangovers and riotous good times behind them. And right into the middle of this carefree confidence and self-belief had walked Joseph Harris.
He hadn’t been an imposing man by any stretch … not what anyone would call conventionally attractive, with his slight paunch, high forehead etched with deep lines and dark-rimmed glasses. But there’d been something about him; a latent charisma that had made him seem larger than life, that had made girls like Hannah gravitate to him, wanting to be in his orbit. He’d had a knack for making struggling students believe in themselves when they felt on the verge of failure, so when he’d invited Hannah over to his house, she hadn’t felt like she could refuse.
How naive she had been. She’d felt so mature drinking red wine in his house, exclaiming over the cuteness of his children, sitting close to him at the dining table, her textbooks spread out. Him leaning across her to point out all the things she needed to remember. Getting closer and closer, until their legs were pressed together, while Angela washed dishes in the next room. The wrongness had been a delicious burn.
And somewhere underneath it, there’d been a feeling of superiority in the knowledge that Quinn was jealous of the way Hannah was moving on with her life, an enjoyment in the fact that Quinn wanted to possess her in the same way Hannah had on
ce wanted to possess Quinn.
Joseph had given her a hug at the front door when she’d left, her textbooks lodged under one arm. Almost fatherly, and yet there’d been something else there too – and she’d known it without being able to define what exactly it was. And that was his power. In no time at all, she’d been meeting him in covert corners of the university, kissing him while he felt her up under her shirt. She genuinely had no idea how they’d gone from studying in his family home to this.
By the time the exams came around, she’d been sleeping with him. And though the sex hadn’t even been good, though he performed cunnilingus like it was maths homework, she’d been entirely in his thrall. All he’d had to do was turn those clear blue eyes on her and she’d do anything he asked. She’d known it was wrong, but somehow she could never say no to him. One day he would make her feel like she could hold the world in her hand; the next she couldn’t seem to make any decisions without him. So when he’d jokingly told her he’d make sure she got a high distinction for the exam if she blew him under his desk in his lunch break, she’d thought, Well, why not? Even though deep down she’d known that it had never really been a joke. And it had been kind of exciting, knowing that at any moment a student or member of faculty could walk into the office while she was crouched under his desk with his dick in her mouth. The fact that it’d been his idea allowed her to dismiss her doubts about the kind of person she was for doing it.
After the exam, she’d told herself, she’d do the right thing and break it off with him. If she’d never agreed to go away with him that weekend, it could all have been over. But she had gone, and now she could never take back what she’d done.
No. Even before that night, Hannah had been far from innocent. There was no comparing her situation with Quinn’s.
There was a part of Hannah that was relieved when Quinn declined her invitation to join them for a day trip to Victor Harbor the next day. They would’ve had to take two cars, and the stuff they planned to do – a visit to Granite Island, some time at the grounds near the causeway where all the fair rides were, fish and chips on the beach – were all centred around the children. Quinn would’ve quickly lost patience with it and tried to convince Hannah to go for a drink at the pub and leave the kids with Ethan. And her barbed comments would not be lost on Ethan, who would be even more annoyed about Quinn’s intrusion into their family holiday.
Although Hannah was still irritated with Ethan at some of the things he’d said since she and Quinn had arrived, she understood, in part, why he felt the way he did. He’d been looking forward to spending time with them as a family, and the unexpected addition of someone who had just suffered a trauma wasn’t the kind of holiday he’d had in mind. Especially since it was the first significant amount of time off he’d taken in a year. Any resentment Hannah still harboured that she worked hard in a different way, only without the professional recognition or financial compensation, she kept to herself. It was lovely to see him playing with the kids all day, making up for the time he spent away from them. And – at least when Quinn wasn’t in the room – he seemed more relaxed, too, more affectionate with Hannah. He needed this holiday, and Hannah needed to feel like they could still be the normal family she’d once envisaged.
Nevertheless, as they piled the kids in the car, along with enough snacks and drink bottles and sunscreen and changes of clothes to last them three days, Hannah was still worried about Quinn. While her friend had regained some of her attitude following the almost catatonic state Hannah had found her in at her apartment, she was far from her usual self. It was like the attack had removed a piece of her personality, the vitality that made her who she was, and Hannah missed that part of her. Despite her dark thoughts yesterday, Hannah would’ve done almost anything if it meant she could rewind the last week and undo what had happened to Quinn. The whole incident had reminded her of how close they had once been, two sides of the same coin. To see her so flat, so joyless, squeezed Hannah’s heart with something that felt close to grief. A flame like hers should never be so diminished.
‘Hannah.’ Ethan’s hand landed on her leg. ‘Grace is talking to you.’
‘Sorry, sweetie.’ Hannah twisted in her seat to look back at her daughter. ‘What did you say?’
Grace pointed at Hannah’s head. ‘Mummy, is that your head?’
‘Yes, darling.’
‘Can I touch your earrings?’
‘Not while we’re driving.’
‘Pleeeeaaase can I touch your earrings?’
‘Mum, I’m hungry,’ Jet complained.
‘You only had breakfast half an hour ago.’
‘But I’m hungry again. Can I have a snack?’
‘The snacks are for when we get there.’
‘When are we gonna get there?’
‘Soon.’
‘Mummy, I wanna touch your earrings!’ wailed Grace.
‘But I’m so hungry,’ Jet said.
‘I WANNA TOUCH YOUR EARRINGS!’ Grace screamed at the top of her lungs.
Sam clapped his hands over his ears. ‘Shut up, Grace!’
Grace turned to Sam, her teeth clenched, and whacked him on the arm. Sam screamed theatrically and clutched his arm. ‘Mum, Grace just hit me on the arm and it really hurt!’
‘Can I please have something to eat?’ Jet moaned.
All three of them were bellowing at once now and the cacophony was deafening. They were on the highway and Ethan was trying to concentrate on the road and the panic was rising and rising inside Hannah until she was sure her head would explode if they didn’t just stop.
‘SHUT UP!’ she screamed.
The children looked back at her in stunned silence, then Grace’s face began to crumple and she started wailing.
Ethan kept darting glances at Hannah. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Fine,’ Hannah said shortly.
‘I’ve never seen you lose your temper like that before,’ he said.
‘Well, I’m not perfect, Ethan.’ Hannah’s heart was still pounding, her hands trembling, the desperate impulse to throw open the car door and leap out still radiating through her body. ‘They could’ve caused an accident.’
‘OK, OK,’ Ethan said. ‘But they didn’t. We’re all safe.’
Shame rushed over Hannah at her loss of control, and she reached back to touch Grace’s knee. ‘Sorry, Gracie. Sorry I shouted at you.’
‘Are they always like that?’ Ethan asked.
‘Pretty much.’
The question annoyed Hannah. It wasn’t like she hadn’t told him enough times how often the kids fought when they were forced into a small space together. For a second, she fantasised about going back to the beach house, collecting Quinn and whisking her away to a secret location, leaving Ethan to deal with everything for the remaining four days of their holiday. She and Quinn could drink cocktails on the beach while Ethan figured out for himself how to parent three kids on his own. But now wasn’t the time to start yet more unnecessary arguments.
When they reached Victor Harbor, it took forever to find a park, and by the time they did, all three kids were grumbling again. They hauled everything out of the car and headed for the nearby nature playground, which had sand on the ground and lots of wood and ropes for climbing. Jet instantly took off at a run, his hunger forgotten. Grace stayed close to Hannah, one arm around her leg as she surveyed her surroundings and decided what she wanted to do. After a moment, she pointed to a swing set outside the fence.
‘I want to go on the swings,’ she said.
Hannah sighed. ‘Of course you want to do the one thing that’s not in this playground.’
‘I’ll take her if you want to stay with the boys,’ Ethan offered.
‘Sure, thanks.’
Grace instantly turned to her father and lifted her arms up in the air. ‘Daddy, pick me up.’
Hannah couldn’t help smiling as Ethan scooped her up and deposited her on his shoulders. He was a sucker for her big eyes and her sweet little voice, and he ind
ulged her every whim. Hannah was about to sit down when Sam returned from his investigatory walk around the perimeter of the playground. ‘Mum, can you do the mission with me?’
‘Yep, what’s the mission?’
Sam gave a barely perceptible sigh at her ignorance. ‘I’ve already told you, we have to destroy the supermassive black hole and stop the galaxy collisions.’
‘Oh, is that all?’
‘So can you?’
‘OK, let’s do it.’
Hannah waited for the instructions she knew would never come. She’d learnt that doing the mission usually meant following Sam around while he chattered incessantly about the rich world that lived inside his mind. She rarely understood what he was talking about, but she enjoyed listening to the incredible imagination that flowered from him without the need to contribute to the narrative. As they wandered from log to rock to tree, Sam detailing all their hidden properties and powers, Hannah kept one eye on Jet, who had effortlessly joined a group of kids and was playing some kind of hide-and-seek game. Ethan and Grace were still just outside the playground, Grace’s bare legs kicking the air as she swung higher and higher on the swing. A fierce joy gripped her. Her family was so beautiful, so intelligent, so full of life. They should do things like this more often. This was a good life, a fulfilling life, a worthy life.
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