by Jenn Vakey
It was what I wanted for myself more than anything. I knew I couldn’t have it, though. Not just a doubt, a worry that things might not work out. It was a certainty. I would never get to have that life, a life with him. But I wanted it so badly that it hurt.
Still, all I found myself doing was nodding.
Rhydian pushed off of the table and made it to me in one quick movement. There was no hesitation in his actions as one hand slid behind my head and pulled me to him. His lips crashing down hard against mine, moving with an intensity that threatened to leave them bruised.
His other hand was around my waist, slipping under the bottom of my shirt and across my back. I wanted to cry, but at the same time, I just wanted to get lost in him. Forget everything that was about to happen, even if only for a few short hours.
So I didn’t think. I didn’t let myself dwell on the fact that I was about to lose him. I just gave into everything I was feeling, letting my desires take over. Letting him pull our bodies together.
Part of me still screamed that I was doing something wrong. That this should be leaving me frightened, not excited. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t in Eden. I didn’t need to live the way they told me to live anymore. I just needed him.
Rhydian’s hand slid down my thigh, pushing it into his waist. Letting me know with just a touch where he wanted them. I wrapped my legs around him, bringing us impossibly closer. Then he was lifting me up, supporting me with the arm across my back, moving me.
The world tilted after that as he lowered us down onto the bed against the back wall. His mouth never leaving mine. He lowered himself down by my side, half of his body still pressed down against me. His fingers brushed my cheek, then trailed along my side and stopped on my waist, holding me there.
My head was spinning when his lips left mine, moving to my cheek, my jaw, my neck. I gasped in a breath, the feel of it almost intoxicating. Breathing so hard that my chest was heaving up against him. My fingers dug into his arm, trying to pull him closer. The heat that I had felt with him before was nothing compared to now. It was like fire was actually burning inside of me, my entire body screaming for more. I didn’t know what I needed. I just knew I needed him.
“Just tell me when you want me to stop,” he breathed out before kissing the sensitive skin just below my ear. I could see now in the way that he was holding me–fingers pressing into my side almost desperately–that he was struggling to hold back. Fighting to keep from losing control. From doing something that he didn’t think I was ready for.
Was he right?
All of this was so new. I didn’t know anything about it. People weren’t put through the courses to teach them about this, about sex, until after they were engaged in Eden. My Healer training might have given me a little more information, but it had all been clinical. Only the things I would need to know to deal with issues that could arise.
Rhydian wasn’t like me, though. I knew he’d had a girlfriend before. From what I had gathered from conversations with Evanly, that included stuff like this. So he knew what he was doing. And if there was a chance I was going to die soon, I wanted to at least go out with a memory like this.
“I don’t want you to stop,” I said before I could talk myself out of it.
Rhydian stilled, his lips pressed against my skin. Then he pulled back and looked at me, his face hovering just inches above mine. “Are you sure?” he asked, his fingers twitching slightly, ready to move the moment I gave him an answer.
I smiled at him and nodded, watching that trepidation in his eyes melt as the heat spiked again. I braced, ready for him to pounce. To take exactly what I was offering to him.
When his mouth dropped back to mine, though, his movements were much slower. Feeling me, tasting me. Then his hand was moving, pushing my shirt up with a gentleness that made me smile against his mouth.
It was like a switch had flipped as he slowly pulled my shirt off, then his. Running his fingertips over my bare skin. I still felt so nervous, especially when he tugged at the button of my pants and eased them over my hips, kissing my belly before his followed. But he wasn’t being wild in the way I had pictured when I had agreed. He was gentle. Loving.
I knew he could see me trembling. Especially with the way his eyes roamed over my body. The fear of the unknown pushed me toward telling him to stop. At the same time, something deeper inside told me that this was Rhydian. The man I trusted more than I trusted myself at times. Despite how we got here and what the future held, in this moment, he was mine. I wanted to be his too.
Then we were there in nothing more than our underwear. Soon, those were gone too, and Rhydian was pushing my thighs apart with his knee, lowering himself down on top of me. Looking into my eyes in a way that left me wondering how I had ever felt anything but affection for him before.
Then he was there.
Rhydian was still so gentle with me, moving slowly as our bodies came together. Whispering against my skin that the pain I felt wouldn’t last long. And it didn’t. It was like he could tell when it eased too, his kisses continuing back up my cheek until he was looking down at me. Holding my eye as the sounds I was making conveyed how good he was making me feel. How much closer this seemed to bring us. More than just our bodies, but our very essences.
Nothing else in the world mattered in that moment. All fears disappeared as electricity filled every inch of my body. When my name tumbled from Rhydian’s lips, somehow everything intensified.
No longer was there any of that hardness in the way he looked at me. It was like he was completely opening himself up to me. Giving himself to me in so many more ways than just this.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
I stood in the shower after dinner, letting the hot water run over my naked body. It had been hours, but I could still feel him on me. The ghostly traces of his fingers on my skin. The subtle ache between my legs. The echo of the sounds he made, the heavy breathing, low grunts. The feeling of deep security in the way he held me when it was over, like he never wanted to let me go.
I knew now that all of this had meant more to him than just a casual dating type of thing. He wanted me. He wanted to be with me.
He wanted forever.
Tears started rolling down my face as I started crying silently under the flow of the water. I didn’t want to hurt him. There wasn’t any way I could see to avoid it, though. And it was crushing. It left my heart feeling like it had been shattered into a million pieces with no way of ever being able to put it back together. I felt raw, broken.
Maybe I was being selfish before. I wanted to have that memory of being with him, but I hadn’t even considered how much harder it would make things for him. Either I wasn’t going to come back, or I was going to have to tell him what I’d done. Rip apart whatever images of me he had built up in his mind. Whatever future we might have had.
As I stepped out and pulled my clothes on, I considered leaving him a note. Just in case I didn’t make it back out of Eden. I quickly decided against it, though. If I died in Eden, it would be better for him to just be confused about why I hadn’t involved any of the others in my plans. Better than feeling betrayed. Not if I couldn’t be there to answer any questions he had.
No, it was better for me to just disappear into the night. For him never to know why I had really come here to Alkwin.
Rhydian wasn’t in his room when I got back to mine. I had seen him going to the clinic after dinner. It was better this way. For our final time alone together to be our afternoon in the lab.
I pushed my door closed and grabbed a pair of clothes out of my dresser. I knew better than to put them on now. Not until everyone was asleep and I was ready to leave. There was less of a chance of someone asking questions that way. Realizing that I was up to something.
My heart was in my throat as I sat on the foot of the bed and listened to the sounds of the dorm. It was almost time that the common area normally cleared and people started going to their rooms. The drumming grew louder when I heard Rhydian’s v
oice just outside of my door. Talking to Auggie about training schedules. I swallowed down my nerves, praying that he wasn’t going to try to see me again tonight. No matter how badly I wanted to see him. Wanted to feel him holding me and soak up whatever comfort I could from him. His strength.
To my relief, his door shut a few minutes later. Then the sounds in the dorm slowly started to disappear. Doors closing one by one until there was only silence.
I wanted to leave right then, but I knew I had to wait. Had to stay put until there wouldn’t be a chance of someone seeing me before I could get through the tree line.
Ten o’clock was the time I had decided on. I knew that not everyone would be asleep yet, but at least everyone would be inside by then. Or at least most people. As long as I stuck to the shadows, it should be dark enough that I could make it out before anyone spotted me. Otherwise, I didn’t know what I was going to do.
I moved on autopilot as I changed into my clothes and tugged my shoes on. Checking first to make sure the hydration patches I’d snatched from the clinic were still in my pocket, I slipped as quietly as I could from my room and hurried out of the dorm. No one saw me, and hopefully no one had heard me. I imagined that I had until lunch time before anyone really started to look for me. I had skipped eating breakfast with the others on occasion. As long as Rhydian didn’t cancel his training sessions to look for me, I should be close to Eden before they figured out I was missing. Especially if I ran and cut several hours off of the seventeen hour walk.
Every step I took through the training field toward the woods left me feeling like it would be the one that someone heard. The one that got me stopped. But they weren’t. When I stepped through the tree line and turned back to take one last look at Alkwin, I saw that no one was there at all. Good.
By now, I had the path to the archway memorized. Though the moon was full and bright, the treetops blocked it too much for me to take it at more than a fast walk. Not until I got onto the path and I could see better. Then I would still have to be careful to pay attention to the sounds. I couldn’t risk running into Adler and his men. Or a snox, although I had made sure to also grab the antidote in case that did happen.
My heart hurt as I moved through the woods toward the archway. I wanted to concentrate on the excitement, the fact that I could have my sister back on this very same path in a day or two. I still felt so torn, though. Like I had been ripped in two, one part wanting to be with Lillith and the other with Rhydian. I couldn’t focus on him right now, though. Now I needed to keep my mind on Lillith and the plan. I couldn’t mess this up. If I did, she would die.
I had barely made it ten feet past the archway when the sound of heavy thundering footsteps started echoing through the trees. My heart was in my throat, fear flooding through me. Was Adler early? Hoping to get into place long before I was supposed to get Rhydian there? If he was, how was I going to be able to get past him? But the sounds didn’t seem to be coming from the path ahead of me. No, they were coming from Alkwin.
That panic didn’t lessen at all when I turned and saw Rhydian move quickly into view. I couldn’t hide from him. He had already seen me. No, this couldn’t be happening. Not him.
“What are you doing here?” I gasped, tears threatening my eyes when he came to a stop just feet from me. His breathing was so heavy that he had to bend over slightly to try to catch it. He must have run the entire way here.
“I could ask you the same,” he panted out, then let out one deep breath and stood. When he met my eyes, I could see the panic filling them. “What the hell is going on, Leeya? Is this… is this because of what happened? What we did?”
I felt my expression fall as I looked up at him. I hadn’t even considered that he would think that had been the reason I left. I was so stupid. Of course that’s what he would think. That I panicked and ran. Got myself killed because of it. Because of him.
That would have been so much worse than just telling him the truth.
“No,” I said, shaking my head as my voice cracked. “Of course not. I just…” I looked back at the path behind me. I didn’t have time for this. Didn’t have time to explain things to him, to have this conversation. And there was no way that I could let him come with me. I turned back to face him, trying to push down the fear. I needed to make him listen to me. “You have to go back. Back to Alkwin. Now.”
“I’m not going anywhere without you,” he said loudly. He raked his fingers through his hair, so many questions in his eyes. I had never hated myself so much. “You really think that I’m going to just turn back around and leave you out here in the woods? Outside of the wards? Tell me what’s going on.”
He was right. I had to tell him something. Anything at this point to make him go back inside the wards. Where he would be safe.
“You’re the one he wants!” I yelled, feeling my body starting to shake, knowing exactly what that statement would do.
Rhydian took a step back, eyes wide like he had just been slapped. It was almost like he could see the truth there, but he didn’t want to accept it. Couldn’t. “What are you talking about, Leeya?” he asked, his voice coming out low and pained. Begging me silently to stop the thoughts now moving through his head. To tell him he was wrong.
“Go!” I cried out, pointing back toward Alkwin.
I turned without waiting for him to say anything else and started walking down the path. I was going to have to hurry. I needed to get as far as I could before Adler and his men neared and I had to hide. I didn’t make it more than two steps before his hand was around my arm, though, turning me and pulling me roughly back to face him.
Everything that I had seen in his eyes before was gone. Now he looked angry. So angry. So hurt. I tried to pull out of his hold, but he wouldn’t let me. He just held me there, staring at me in silence.
“I couldn’t,” I said, tears rolling down my face. I didn’t know if it was more about getting him to let me go or easing that pain I could see in him. Maybe both. I don’t know. I just couldn’t stand there and not tell him. I needed him to know. I needed him to hear it, then let me go. “He wants you and I couldn’t. I don’t care what you did or who you killed. I couldn’t give you to him. That’s why I have to go. I have to get her back before it’s too late. So please go back. Please, Rhydian. You have to stay in Alkwin where he can’t get you.”
His anger turned to confusion, his grip lessening a little on my arm. “What are you talking about?”
I didn’t have a chance to answer after that. To tell him that I knew everything he had done, about Adler’s plan to meet me there with him in the morning. Before I could, a piercing sound ripped through the air. One I had encountered once before. A banshee scream.
Rhydian’s hand left my arm as we both moved to cover our ears. It was too strong, though. The pain in my head took me down to my knees, leaving me with a complete lack of control over my body.
For a moment, I thought it was Aarys. That the spunky girl had followed after us both and had heard everything I said. That she was feeling the same betrayal I could see in Rhydian, and that she was trying to take me down. To stop me.
But she would never have acted without warning Rhydian first.
“Run!” I gasped, but it was too late. He was already dropping beside me.
I didn’t understand. Why would someone with a banshee scream be trying to take us both down? I looked to Rhydian, pleading for him to find some way to get back through the wards. His eyes were on me, hands clutching his head as he struggled even to stay up on his knees. I tried crawling toward him. If I could somehow push him back enough to get him through the archway…
I didn’t even make it more than a couple inches. A pain hit me in the back just as the sound started to die down. Something small and sharp. Something that I had felt before, that sent a wave of icy terror through me.
Then the world tumbled into darkness.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
A deep chill moved through me, causing me to reach for my blanke
t. When my fingers met dirt and leaves, though, the memories started coming back. The pain. The feeling like my eardrums were going to burst, like my brain was being scrambled. And the look in Rhydian’s eyes that was nothing short of gut-wrenching pain and betrayal.
I gasped, sitting straight up and looking around. It was still dark, the moon the only light around. I wasn’t on the path anymore. Instead, I was in some kind of clearing. In the woods.
No. No, this couldn’t be happening.
“Rhydian!” I cried out, swinging my head around frantically.
I didn’t know what I was going to do if they had taken him. Had to stop them. Had to get him back.
But thoughts of running after them left me quickly when I looked across the clearing and saw him there. Blonde hair moving on the breeze. Deep green eyes locked on me.
He was still here.
The relief I felt when I saw him didn’t last long. He was upright, but it didn’t take me long to realize that it wasn’t of his own accord. He was standing with his back against a tree, his arms behind him. They were pressed too closely to the tree trunk for him to be anything other than tied to it. I didn’t need to see that to know for sure, though. Not when there was a gag in his mouth.
He looked at me just long enough for my eyes to find his, then turned and glared ahead. Not in a way that said he was trying to avoid me. It was something else. Someone else.
I followed his gaze, my heart clenching in my chest when I saw Adler standing there, smiling at the look Rhydian was giving him.
No, this couldn’t be happening. I had worked so hard to make sure that it didn’t. Make sure that Adler didn’t get him.
Why couldn’t I have just stayed away from him? Then he wouldn’t have followed me out. I wouldn’t have led him right into the trap I’d been trying desperately to avoid.
As if able to read my thoughts, Adler gave me a sick smile and said, “Well done, girl. You carried my plan out perfectly. You got close to him, made him care for you. So much so that he followed you right out of the protection of the wards like some love sick animal.”