by Amy Ruttan
* * *
It had been a grueling surgery and Calum needed a few hours of sleep before his scheduled spinal decompression. He wouldn’t have been able to handle that trauma without Pearl at his side.
There had been so much damage and Pearl had been right there beside him, working with him, and he didn’t have to explain anything to her, like he did to the residents. He’d forgotten what it was like to work with her.
When they worked together she always knew the next move. She was a talented surgeon and he wanted this kind of talent on his staff.
They were able to save the man’s arm and hand. The patient’s hip needed to be replaced, but the pelvis was cracked and needed time to heal.
There would be more surgeries on their trauma patient, named John, but not tonight.
John’s body had been through enough.
He stifled a yawn and closed the door quietly to the darkened on-call room. He knew Pearl was in here and he didn’t want to wake her.
“You don’t need to creep. I’m awake,” she said in the darkness.
“Why aren’t you asleep? You sound tired.”
“I was wondering how John was.”
“Stable. Vitals are good.”
“Good.” She yawned—he heard it and yawned, too.
“Don’t. Yawns are contagious,” he teased.
She chuckled softly. “I know. Sorry. I can’t help it.”
He sat on the bed across from hers. In the dim light coming through the blinds, he could sort of see her.
Barely, though.
He knew she was sitting cross-legged, her back to the wall.
And it was like that night five years ago when they locked the door and made love for the first time. His blood heated thinking of that night, of being with her.
“The beds are still uncomfortable,” she remarked. “Have they changed at all since I left?”
“I doubt it.”
“You should do something about that.”
“I’m head of orthopedics, not chief of surgery.”
“Not yet. Wasn’t that your goal?” she asked.
“One day.” It had been his goal to prove to his father he was a hard worker. That he deserved more than his father gave him. Except in five years, he realized it didn’t matter. His father only doled out attention when it suited him.
Calum was tired of chasing after him.
After Pearl.
His stomach twisted in a knot.
“I’m going to try and get some sleep. Good work tonight, Pearl. It was good to work with you again.”
“Same, Calum. Same.”
Calum lay there in the dark listening to her breathing, until it went from light to deep, when he was sure she was asleep.
He rolled over on his back, still listening to her, and closed his eyes.
All he could see was that moment after they had made love. The two of them curled up on the small bed, their bodies pressed tight together, his arms around her as he listened to her sleep.
It didn’t feel right to be so far away and it took every ounce of strength not to get up and go to her.
To hold her.
I’ve got to get out of here.
Calum got up and tiptoed to the door. He paused and watched her for a moment while she slept. He kneeled down beside her and lightly touched her face.
Her skin was so soft. Just like he remembered.
Leave now.
He left the on-call room. He’d sleep in his office. He had to put some distance between himself and Pearl before he lost all sense of reason and curled up next to her.
* * *
Pearl woke up and expected to find Calum there, but he wasn’t. She knew he’d left because the moment she mentioned his old desire to become chief of surgery it grew awkward. He tensed up. She knew that they were both circling around the issue. How they both still cared for each other. She thought their years apart were enough time to get over him. They weren’t.
He’d remembered that night in the on-call room, too, and she was glad she was so exhausted that she was able to fall asleep fast.
Maybe she should’ve tried to find another surgeon for George, but George was such a good kid and he deserved the best chance for recovery, and his best chance just happened to be Dr. Calum Munro.
Working with him on that trauma case just reaffirmed that coming to Calum was the best decision she could have made for George.
Pearl slept, but she felt like she spent the whole time in the on-call room tossing and turning. She couldn’t get Calum out of her head. How good it was to work together on John and how every inch of this hospital reminded her of her heartache and her loss, but also the best times of her life.
She missed it here.
She missed those times, her friends, the companionship, the job.
The baby.
Calum.
She couldn’t stop thinking about how easy it was with him. How quickly they fell back into old habits and teasing, but she also remembered the times they argued. When they’d disagree during their residency.
When they worked together it ran hot and cold. Pearl knew first-hand what that was like. She had grown up with two parents who were constantly at each other’s throats. One minute they were toe-to-toe screaming at each other and the next minute they were locked in a passionate embrace.
Of course, they were also having lots of passionate embraces with other people outside of their marriage vows.
At least she’d never done that, but Pearl didn’t want passion. Not like that.
That toxic volatile passion her parents had. It made her ashamed so she never talked about it. No one really asked, anyway. She said she came from a broken home and that was enough explanation.
Her parents’ ridiculous marriage didn’t need to be broadcast.
She wanted something else. Passion yes, but camaraderie, friendship. She wanted what she had with Calum, but she’d ruined that.
She groaned inwardly, frustrated that all she could suddenly think about was the first time they kissed, because that first time they kissed had lit some kind of spark inside her, one that had never been lit before.
And then that kiss led to a lot more.
And then, eventually, heartache, but she couldn’t get Calum out of her head. And after being with him today, joking with him and talking with him, it was just so easy to fall back into those old routines.
Which she didn’t want, but also she really did. Deep down.
So now, because of her restless night, she was walking into the attending lounge, tired and hoping that there was still that awful, black, strong coffee there. Dr. Chin used to refer to it as motor oil and she could use a couple of cups of that before she went into surgery with Calum. Especially before she went into a surgery that was going to take hours, which meant hours and hours of working with Calum.
Even though she was tired and worried about seeing Calum again, part of her was actually excited about the thought of performing surgery with him. That was another thing they were good at. They were good in the operating room together and she hoped that they would be again.
When she got to the doctors’ lounge she was thrilled to see that Dr. Chin’s motor oil was still there. She smiled and pulled a mug out of the cupboard, ready to pour herself a big coffee.
“Calum told me you were back, but I didn’t quite believe it!”
Pearl turned around and smiled when she saw a familiar face standing in the doorway.
“Dianne! I didn’t know you were still here! I thought you and Jerome bought a ranch outside of the city!”
Pearl was surprised to see her old friend, Dr. Dianne Lopez. She was another resident who had come up with her and Calum but worked with anesthesia. She had married Jerome before Pearl left, and the last she’d heard they had bought a ranch just outsi
de of Sonora, California.
She gave Dianne a big hug. She was overcome with emotion. Her heart swelled and it was all she could do to contain the emotions overcoming her.
Dianne had been her first real girlfriend.
And though they kept in touch it was never the same as getting a hug in person. And she hadn’t seen Dianne or Dianne’s son Derek in a long time. Not since Derek was a little baby.
Dianne stepped back and smiled. “It’s so good to see you. You haven’t changed a bit in five years.”
Pearl snorted. “I find that hard to believe.”
Dianne laughed. “You look good.”
“So do you. How is Derek?”
“Good,” Dianne said, sitting down. “We’re almost finished our full transition from San Francisco to Sonora. Jerome has a practice out there. He switched specialties from being an anesthesiologist and is a family doctor.”
“Wow, good for him. How long of a commute is it from your place to here?” Pearl asked as she sat next to her on the couch.
“It’s two and a half hours on a good day. This is actually my last couple of days work here at this hospital and then I’m transferring to one in Sonora.”
“So the move is almost permanent then?” Pearl asked, disappointed, but she knew that it had always been Dianne and Jerome’s dream to own a big piece of land out in the country and raise kids. They had made it work.
And Pearl was a bit envious of that. Even though she tried to tell herself she had never wanted a family, even though her mother told her being tied down with a family ruined her career and even though Pearl was afraid it would never work out, she still wanted that.
What she would never have.
“My last day is tomorrow. I am taking some time off before I start my new position. I start that in the New Year.”
“It sounds wonderful. I’m so happy for you. Sad that I move back to San Francisco and you’re leaving.”
Dianne smiled sadly. “I know, but you know this is what Jerome and I always wanted and we were finally able to make it happen.”
“At least I get to work with you for a few more days.” Pearl finished the coffee and winced.
“Yeah, it’s still pretty bad. I can’t believe that you and Calum drink that crap.”
“Drink what?”
Pearl tried not to choke on her coffee when Calum walked in. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw him and she hoped that she wasn’t blushing. He’d occupied her mind all night and she hadn’t had enough coffee yet to deal with seeing him.
“That motor oil that Dr. Chin drank.” Dianne shook her head. “It was awful.”
Calum chuckled and poured himself a mug. He glanced at Pearl briefly, but just briefly, like she was an afterthought.
“It’s fuel,” he responded.
“Yeah, and I bet it could fuel a car!” Dianne stood up. “Well, I’m going to ready the patient for the surgery.”
Calum nodded. “Okay. We’ll be down soon. I want to catch Pearl up on the surgery.”
Dianne nodded and then gave her another quick hug, which calmed her nerves. “It’s so good to see you again.”
“Same.” Pearl hoped that her voice didn’t crack and betray her nerves, but she was glad that Dianne was going to be in the operating room. She didn’t have too many friends from her residency days, but Dianne and Jerome were always friendly faces.
So was Calum’s.
She shook away that thought and tried to finish the coffee, but Dianne was right—it was so bitter, so awful. She was used to drinking nicer stuff in New York. Lattes and cappuccinos. Stuff with artisanal foam, not stuff that was bubbling long after it was boiling.
“I’m glad to see you haven’t given up the old tradition of having coffee before a surgery,” Calum said offhandedly.
“If you can call this coffee.” Pearl winced again and set down the mug. “I was actually looking forward to it when I first came in here. I think I remembered it fondly with nostalgia and now...”
“Yes?” he asked.
“Yeah, nostalgia and fond memories have betrayed me.”
“First the uncomfortable beds and now the coffee. New York has made you soft.” He was teasing her.
“You look tired.”
He had dark circles under his eyes, but he still looked good.
He nodded. “Didn’t sleep well last night.”
“I did.” Eventually.
He chuckled. “I’m glad you’re able to help me today. Especially after last night.”
“A promise is a promise. So where did you sleep?” she asked.
His eyes widened—she’d caught him off guard. “I thought you were asleep?”
“I’m a light sleeper.”
“Since when?” he asked.
“For a year or so. Also, those mattresses suck. So where did you sleep?”
He chuckled. “Which is why I slept on the couch in my office.”
“Lucky.”
“Not really. The couch fits two people, sitting upright. It’s not long enough to lie flat. Hence the coffee.”
“Great. Since when did we get too old for all-nighters?” she teased.
“I don’t know. And I’m not old.”
“I feel old this morning,” she groused, trying to stretch.
“Hardly.”
Warmth flood her cheeks and her stomach did a flip in anticipation. She cleared her throat. “So today’s surgery?”
He nodded. “So today’s surgery is a spinal decompression, but on a patient with achondroplasia and I remember that was one of your first solo surgeries.”
Pearl smiled, secretly pleased he remembered. “That’s right. I haven’t done a spinal decompression in some time. Usually, my surgeries involve torn ligaments in the knee or shoulder. Anything to do with running or throwing.”
“Well, this patient has had hip replacements done and knees done, but he’s an actor and he slipped and fell during a stage performance. He didn’t break his back, but something snapped and a disc in his cervical spine became impinged. Because of his achondroplasia the space was already narrow and now it’s threatening to impinge the spinal cord. I’m hoping to do a decompression and not have to fuse the spine, but I may have to. I won’t know until we get in there.”
“You realize that he’s going to have issues with airways and bleeding?”
Calum nodded. “Yes, and that’s why I insisted that Dianne was our anesthesiologist. She’s the best and she’s done multiple surgeries on achondroplasia and skeletal dysplasia patients. They are difficult to get an airway and to maintain an airway. I want the best working on him, which is why I’m glad you’re here. He’s one of my top patients.”
Warmth flooded her cheeks at his compliment. “I’m glad that I can help.”
It felt nice he was complimenting her. It felt good to be appreciated by a fellow surgeon. Especially one she respected.
One she cared about.
Calum chugged back the rest of his coffee. “Well, we better get down there. I’ll show you where you can get some fresh surgical scrubs.”
Pearl nodded. “Thank you.”
She wouldn’t mind changing out of the disheveled scrubs.
“Do you remember where the surgical floor is or do I have to walk you down there?” Calum teased as he stood up to leave. “Last night was a blur.”
“I think I can find my way down to the surgical floor. I will be there in ten minutes.”
Calum nodded and made his way to the door, only to turn back. “I scheduled George to have scans this evening. I’m hoping that we’ll be done the surgery by then, but spinal decompressions can take a while.”
“I don’t need to be there while George has a scan. His mother is in town now and he has his coach. I would like to see the scans as soon as they’re done, though.”
Calum nodded. “I’ll let our radiologist know. I’ll see you down there.”
Pearl breathed a sigh of relief when Calum left. She found her locker and inside was a set of scrubs. She quickly changed out of the scrubs she slept in into the familiar colored scrubs that she remembered wearing when she worked here.
“Hey,” Dianne said, coming back into the doctors’ lounge.
Pearl was surprised. “Hey, I thought you were with the patient?”
“He had some more questions for Calum before he would let me even put an intravenous in, so I thought I would come back here and ask you a question.”
Pearl braced herself for a personal question. Dianne knew that she and Calum had planned to get married before Pearl had lost the baby. She was hoping that Dianne wouldn’t try to dig any further.
Dianne had been pregnant with her first the same time that Pearl had been pregnant, and Derek was the same age her child would have been.
It was why she only kept in touch with Dianne through emails. It was sometimes hard to know Dianne and Jerome were so happy with their son while also knowing that if she hadn’t lost her child, she would be a mother to a five-year-old, too.
“What do you need to know?” Pearl asked hesitantly.
“What’re you doing next weekend?”
“Next weekend?” Pearl asked, confused.
“Are you going to see your parents?”
A ball of dread formed in the pit of her stomach. Her parents would want to see her, since she moved back, but she didn’t want to see them. She hadn’t seen them in two years and that was fine by her.
“No. I won’t be going to see them. I’ll be here in San Francisco. Maybe I’ll catch up on some work.”
“You don’t have to be on call for the Bridgers?” Dianne asked.
“No,” Pearl said, confused. “They’re not playing that weekend. What are you trying to get at, Dianne?”
“Since I haven’t seen you in forever and you’re back in the area I want you to come out to the ranch next weekend. Jerome wants to show off his new practice to you.”
Pearl smiled. It was a nice offer, but she wasn’t sure that she wanted to spend next weekend with a happy family. Then again, she really didn’t want to be alone.