by Amy Ruttan
“Fine. Correct me if you want, but if you’re not careful I’ll sing for you.”
Calum laughed. It was so easy to laugh and joke with her, but then other times she was so closed off, so frightened of her feelings. So frightened she ran away, but she was here now. She was back and she wasn’t running this time. He was worried she’d leave again, and if she did his heart wouldn’t be able to handle it.
This time was different. They were just friends.
Are you so sure about that?
He navigated the windy streets of San Francisco, making his way down to the waterfront and where the small Café Bistro, as it was called, was.
He found a parking spot and they made their way to the restaurant, and their table was waiting for them. They could’ve had their pick of any of the tables. The place was almost empty.
Pearl made a worried face as they followed the waiter to the corner booth that overlooked the water, where they could comfortably talk about George’s case.
After they were seated and the maître d’ had left, Pearl leaned over the table.
“Why are we the only ones here?” she whispered, her eyes sparkling in the candlelight. She was trying to hide her amusement.
Calum shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“This can’t be a good sign.”
“Don’t order any seafood,” he teased.
Pearl smiled and laughed under her breath. He hoped this was a good place. He was trying to find a new place that neither one of them had been to. He was trying to find a place that wouldn’t bring up any painful memories, but if the food was bad, this place just might invoke some painful memories later.
“So about George,” Pearl said. “Please tell me we can try something and we don’t have to resort to amputation. Not when his career is just starting.”
“I don’t know. I really can’t predict what will happen, but you know Dr. Chin’s feelings on unnecessary surgery when there is no hope.”
“The tumor hasn’t spread, though. We didn’t find any metastasizes.”
“I know and that’s good.” He was hopeful.
“So then there is hope. I understand Dr. Chin’s philosophy and I respect it. I keep to it, if there’s no hope and the patient doesn’t want it. Why do more harm than good? But if the tumor hasn’t spread, can’t we try your way?” she asked.
Calum pursed his lips together. “It will be a hard surgery and the radiation will be hard on him. You know one of the effects of radiation is deterioration of the muscles, weakness. Even if we save the leg, he might not be able to play professionally and he needs to come to that realization.”
Pearl sighed. “I know and we need to have a united front on this. We have to present him with everything and we have to agree.”
“We used to agree on a lot of things,” Calum said softly.
Pink tinged her cheeks again. “I know...”
“When we worked together it was amazing. We were a force to be reckoned with at that hospital.”
She smiled, her blue eyes twinkling in the dim light. “Yes. We were quite a team.”
And she was right.
It was hard for him to talk about the baby, the grief, the loss. He didn’t want to talk about it before, but he did now.
“I missed you when you left,” he said.
“I missed you, too.”
“Was it just the baby? Is that why you left?”
She worried her bottom lip. “We both had plans, the baby was unexpected and it was hard for me to deal with it.”
“It was hard for me, too.”
“I know and I’m sorry. I wish I could change the past, but...we both flourished professionally. My parents stayed together and it was awful.”
He knew that. She’d told him that before.
“I’m glad you’re back, Pearl.”
She smiled. “I’m glad I’m back too and that we’re working together again.”
Calum wanted to ask her what had changed.
“Are you ready to order?” the waiter asked.
“I think so,” Calum said. He was never so happy to have a waiter interrupt him before, because he was supposed to be focusing this evening on the patient. On George. Except no matter how hard he tried, when he was with Pearl he forgot everything else and that scared him. He was scared talking about his grief and he was scared of all the old feelings coming back to haunt him.
Sure, he wanted to work with her, but starting things up again? He wasn’t so sure about that.
Aren’t you?
* * *
The last thing that Pearl wanted to do was tell Calum that the food was atrocious and that was probably why no one came here. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings when he seemed to be enjoying the dinner.
So when it came time for dessert, she had to pass.
Even though she wouldn’t have minded just crossing the street and going to the chocolate store and getting a great big ice-cream sundae with hot fudge sauce. She hadn’t indulged in one of those in a long, long time.
“You sure you don’t want dessert?” Calum asked.
“Are you going to have some?” she asked skeptically.
“No.” And he made a face, which made her chuckle. They split the bill when it came and got the heck out of the Café Bistro as fast as they could.
“I’m so glad that dinner is over,” she blurted out.
“You didn’t like it?”
“Sorry, no.”
“That place should be called the Abysmal Café,” he teased.
“So you thought it was awful, too?” she asked.
“Yes, but you seemed to be enjoying yourself.”
“I was not. There was so much garlic in my food. So much garlic. It was all I could taste. It’s going to take many breath mints to get rid of this. Or some strong liquor.”
“My steak was tough. So tough I thought I would have to bathe it in water, like really bathe it in a hot-water bath so that it contained some semblance of moistness.”
She wrinkled her nose. “You used that word on purpose.”
“What word?”
“Moist. You know I hate that word.”
“Why does everyone hate that word?” he asked.
“We’ve had this conversation too many times to get into it again.”
“Fine. Do you want some ice cream then? Because I can’t stop picturing a nice ice-cream sundae and we’re down here by the water.”
“I would love that.”
It was an odd thing to go for an ice-cream sundae in late October, but it felt like old times. Joking and talking about things they used to talk about and going to get ice cream. They both found a table in the ice-cream shop located in an old factory. There were heat lamps on the patio and they sat outside, having ice cream in the autumn.
“This is so much better than that dinner,” she said, taking a scoop of ice cream.
“Agreed. I haven’t done this in forever.”
“Same. I mean, there was a good fake frozen yogurt thing in New York City, but it was nothing compared to this.”
“Fake frozen yogurt?” he asked, horrified.
“Yeah, some kind of whipped thing. Nothing like this.” What was she doing? Why was she letting herself fall into this trap again? Why was it so easy with Calum? He made her feel like she was a carefree resident again. He got through all her barriers. It was fun and easy and so exciting with him.
She needed to change the subject fast.
“Shall we talk to George and his mother tomorrow?” she asked soberly. Talking about George and work was a safe, neutral buffer. A chance to keep him and the memories he evoked at bay.
Calum nodded. “The sooner we get started, the better. How about I come to the training facility first thing in the morning?”
“That sounds good.” She fi
nished up her ice cream. “Thank you for talking me through everything and I appreciate that you’re going to try and help him.”
“I will do my best, Pearl, but if it gets too much and if it spreads...” Calum trailed off and he didn’t say anything else. She knew what he was getting at.
She knew that George’s career would be over before it started and she couldn’t imagine that. To have a dream taken away from you.
Can’t you?
And just that realization made a lump form in the pit of her stomach as she thought of her baby. It had never really been a dream of hers, but once she’d gotten used to the idea that she was going to be a mother it had all been taken from her.
She couldn’t hold on to it.
The moment she lost the baby it was as though a knife had torn her heart into shreds. All her dreams had been shattered. She had no control over that moment, no control over her body not being able to hold on.
She had been powerless and it terrified her.
Even though she knew medically why she miscarried, there was an irrational part of her that made her think that maybe she didn’t want it enough and therefore didn’t deserve it. Although she knew that thought was foolish, it was there, in the darkest recesses of her inner dialogue, because the baby had been unplanned, because she wasn’t ready and because her own birth had ruined her parents lives.
And she hated herself for thinking like that.
“Well, I should get back. I have to talk to George’s coach and make sure that he’s there at the training facility first thing.”
Calum nodded and they both got up, discarded the empty plastic containers and walked back to his car.
The moon was high in the sky. Large and orange. A harvest moon. She took a moment to stare up at it, rising over the bay and the iconic Golden Gate Bridge. The lights of the city shimmered across the water and there was a low fog drifting across the surface.
It was silent, standing here right now. She’d forgotten how magical this city could be.
She forgot how many memories it brought back.
Good and bad. The good times were with her grandmother and the trips to the wharf or to a football game. The bad times were losing the baby and leaving Calum.
She was a fool.
“So did that sundae help get rid of the garlic?” he asked.
“Perhaps.”
He turned and faced her, then took her hands, and her heart began to race as she stood there with him, not sure what was going to happen.
“Well, let’s see.” He touched her face and before she could stop herself she closed her eyes and melted into his arms kissing him, like no time had passed.
Like they hadn’t changed.
And her emotions began to overtake her.
If she didn’t put a stop to it, she was going to lose all control and she couldn’t lose control. Pearl pushed Calum away. She panicked. She wanted that kiss, but she couldn’t get caught up with him again. They were supposed to stay friends. Nothing more.
“You know what, I’ll just take a cab home.”
“What?” he asked, confused.
“Good night, Calum.” And she turned and left him standing there.
Running again.
CHAPTER SIX
PEARL HATED BREAKING the news to George.
She hated this part of the job and seeing his face fall as she and Calum told him was so difficult, but he had to know all his options. He had to know what kind of treatment he was going to go through, what the repercussions were and the fact that they might not be able to do anything.
George looked broken and his mother held his hand. She was holding back tears.
“I’m so sorry, George,” Pearl said gently. “You need to know your choices.”
George stared at the table, looking lost. She knew that feeling well. She knew how it felt when your life was shattered, when all your hopes and dreams were dashed because your body, your health, failed you.
“So it’s grown again. Really fast?” George asked.
“Yes,” Calum said. “It’s an aggressive tumor and when I get in there and do a biopsy I’ll be able to determine which medication regimen to start you on, but we need to start treatment as soon as possible, if that’s the course of action you wish to take.”
George nodded, then was quiet for a moment. “And the other option is...”
“We amputate,” Pearl said. “I’m so sorry, George.”
“Would amputation cure his cancer?” George’s mother asked.
“Yes, it would remove the cancer. So far the cancer hasn’t spread, but even if we amputate we need to do a round of chemotherapy to make sure that it doesn’t return.”
“Baby, why don’t we do the amputation?” George’s mother asked, but it was more like she was pleading with him.
“Mom, I’m not getting the amputation. I want to fight this,” George said fiercely.
Calum leaned forward. “Very well, George, but you do understand that I have never done my treatment on someone with such an advanced osteosarcoma. If the treatment fails, you will still need the amputation and you’ll be much weaker. Even if the treatment works, you could be left very weak.”
George nodded. “I understand, Doc, but I have to try.”
Calum nodded. “Okay. Well, then I want to start treatment right away. I will contact the hospital and have you admitted. We’re going to start with a biopsy so that I know how to target it.”
George nodded and then looked at his mom. “It’ll be okay, Mom. You can go back to Philly.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Your brothers and sister are old enough now and they’re being taken care of. Don’t you worry. My place is here with you.”
Pearl felt a pang of jealously. She certainly didn’t have that kind of relationship with her own parents. The only person who had loved her like that was her grandmother.
And Calum.
She tried not to think of their kiss last night and how she had fled. It was the only way she could get control of herself. That kiss had thrown her off-kilter. It brought back everything and she was scared what Calum stirred in her.
“Come on, let’s get to the hospital so I can beat this cancer’s ass!” George said brightly.
“George! Don’t swear in front of the doctors,” his mother admonished.
Calum laughed and walked over to hold open the door so that George’s mother could wheel him out of the boardroom where they were meeting.
“I’ve heard worse,” Calum teased. “I’ll see you in a couple of hours. No more eating or drinking okay?”
“Will do, Doc.” George shook Calum’s hand and was wheeled out of the room. Calum shut the door behind him.
“That was hard,” Pearl sighed.
“No harder than last night?”
Pearl bit her lip. “Calum, about last night...we’re supposed to be colleagues. It caught me off guard.”
His expression softened. “I’m sorry about what happened. I didn’t mean to kiss you...it threw me off guard, too.”
“It’s okay. What’s done is done.”
“So I take it you’re coming to watch me do a biopsy?” he asked.
“Of course,” Pearl said quickly. “If you’re all right with that.”
“It’s okay. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said, although she wasn’t too sure. “You don’t have to keep asking me if I’m okay.”
The truth was, she wasn’t okay. After their horrible dinner and then ice-cream date, she had once again been tossing and turning all night, berating herself for allowing herself to fall into old patterns with Calum.
She was worried that she was falling for him again. Who was she kidding? She’d never stopped caring for him.
Why was it that she couldn’t control herself when she was around him?
Why did she allow herself to slip into these old habits? Why had she let him kiss her?
The thing was she wanted that kiss and when it came to Calum she had no self-control. She got swept up in good memories, happy times, even love.
“Okay, I’ll stop,” Calum said. “We have a plan in place and we can do this, but you look tired.”
“Right,” Pearl said quickly. “I am tired. I just didn’t have a good night’s sleep. I was worried about breaking the news to George.”
Not a complete lie—she was worried about that—but she didn’t want him to know that he was the reason she was a bit off. That she was feeling tense being alone with him, that he was getting through her barriers and that’s because she really didn’t want to keep him out, but she was afraid of letting him in. She was afraid of getting hurt, of hurting him. It was easier for her to keep this as she intended, as friends.
One thing was for certain is that she had to get out of San Francisco for a bit and that’s why when she got home after her dinner with Calum she texted Dianne and accepted her invitation to the ranch for the weekend. She just needed to get away for a couple of days.
She needed to put some space between her and Calum.
And be in a place that her parents couldn’t find her and manipulate her with their toxic one-upmanship and their perpetual disappointment that she didn’t follow in their respective specialties.
That her life was not the life they wanted or expected of her.
Truth be told, her life wasn’t exactly how she pictured it. She just needed to get away from it all. She needed to put things in perspective.
Running again.
She shook away that thought.
“He’s informed, he’s an adult and he’s made his decision. It will be good to have you at the biopsy,” Calum said, interrupting her thoughts.
“Do you want to get some air?” Pearl asked.
“Sure.”
“Let’s go. I have to go down to the field and check a couple of players, anyway. They’re not playing right now, but the coach wants them on the roster. I have to see a couple of them before they go out on the road.”
“Sure.”