by Amy Ruttan
“We’ve been busy.” Pearl stood up. “I think we’d better check with the chief of surgery and make sure that we’re not needed, as we did promise to help out if we got privileges.”
Calum yawned. “Right.”
“Come on. You can do a few more hours’ work and we’ll head back.”
“Point me in the direction of caffeine and I can spend some time setting bones or putting shoulders back into place.”
“That’s the spirit.”
They left the waiting room. She was completely and utterly exhausted. Not just physically, but emotionally just done.
She was burnt out. Burnt out from all the emotions that she was trying so hard to control, burnt out from trying to keep everyone out, but she didn’t know how to go back.
There was no way to turn back time, but she knew one thing—she had to figure out how to get back. She was tired of running.
CHAPTER TEN
“I’M SORRY, BUT the road is closed.”
Pearl groaned inwardly as the state trooper talked to Calum. They had left Dianne and Jerome’s ranch. Dianne’s parents had got in and were updated on the situation. They were going to take shifts going to the hospital.
Pearl helped Dianne’s mother clean up what they could and make sure that there was food and everything was okay. Then she packed up her bags. They had hit the road back to San Francisco in the late afternoon. Both of them were wiped out and now there was a washout from the rainstorm that had picked up.
They were stuck and they were too tired to drive back up into the foothills two hours behind them and they were too tired to try and find a detour to get to San Francisco. They were stuck.
“Do you know of any hotels around here?” Calum asked the trooper. Things seemed to be conspiring against them to get back to San Francisco.
“Sure. About three miles back into Catfish Canyon, there’s a small motel that would be able to accommodate you. Follow this road back, take the first exit into town and follow Main Street until you find the Golden Corral Motel.”
“Thank you, officer.”
The state trooper stepped back and Calum did a U-turn and headed back into the last small town they had blasted through on their way back to San Francisco.
She didn’t really want to stop for the night, especially with Calum, but at least at a motel she could get her own room. They had used their exhaustion as an excuse not to talk about what happened the day in the woods, or how she had clung to him during the quake.
Or the fact that in the surgery he had said that he always wanted her and she had admitted to the same. It wasn’t a lie. She missed him.
She wanted him and she wanted to talk to him. She was overwhelmed and Calum made her feel safe.
It was no problem finding the motel, and despite its name, it actually looked kind of cute and cheerful, which was hard to pull off in a downpour. Calum ran inside to see if there were any rooms.
Pearl hoped there were, because she was exhausted. She wanted a hot shower and bed.
And Calum?
She shook away that thought.
Yes. She wanted Calum again, but there was no way she was going to let that happen. Although, she couldn’t get that kiss out of her head. It’s all she could think about. It wasn’t long before he came back to the car.
“Were there any rooms?” she asked.
“Yes. There was one.”
She raised her eyebrows. “One?”
“Yes. So I took it.”
“Calum!”
“Pearl, we’re adults and we’re both tired. I think we can share a room. It has a queen-size bed and a pullout couch. I think we can make do.”
She sighed. It wasn’t ideal, especially when she needed to put space between the two of them. Not that she was expecting him to do anything—she was worried about hurting him, about not being able to resist him. She was worried that she would want his kisses again, to be held by him. She was worried about how much she wanted it.
“Come on. We can’t sit here in the car all night.”
“You’re right.” She reached into the back and grabbed her suitcase, and Calum grabbed his bag. They ran to their room and Calum opened the door.
It was a clean room and there was a sofa bed, a queen bed, a tiny kitchenette and a tiny bathroom. It wasn’t perfect, but it would do for one night and she could manage that.
“You take the bed and I’m good on the pullout.”
“I can sleep on the pullout,” she said. “You’ve been driving and—”
“What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn’t let you have the bed?”
She blushed. “Okay, but no complaining about a bad back tomorrow.”
“I don’t have a bad back. I slept on these all the time when I was in college.”
“That was a very long time ago,” she teased.
“Ha, ha.” There was a twinkle in his eye. “Do you want a shower first or should I?”
“You go first, since I’m getting the better bed and I’ll see if I can order in some pizza or something.”
“Sounds good.”
Pearl kicked off her shoes and sat down on the bed, which was surprisingly comfortable, and flipped open the book with all the amenities while Calum grabbed his bag and headed into the bathroom.
It wasn’t long before she could hear the water running and she tried not to think about the fact that he was in there, naked.
You need to order pizza and not fantasize about your ex-fiancé who is in the shower.
She found what looked like a good pizza place and ordered a pepperoni pizza. Once she’d finished ordering, Calum came out of the bathroom, only wrapped in a towel. She tried not to stare at him.
“You’d better get dressed,” she said.
“I will.”
“The pizza guy will be here soon and I’m going to have my shower.”
“Once you go in for your shower, I’ll get dressed.”
Pearl left the money for the pizza on the bed and then grabbed what she needed for a shower, including a change of clothes. She wasn’t coming out in a skimpy motel towel. It was bad enough that Calum had.
When her shower was done and she was dressed in a fresh set of comfy clothes, she left the bathroom and hoped that Calum had gotten dressed. She was relieved to see that he had and that the pizza had arrived.
“You came out just in time,” Calum said. “It just got here.”
“Good. I’m starving. I was hoping for a Founder’s Day dinner or some leftovers, but the earthquake had had something else in mind.” She put away her stuff and walked over to the kitchenette and took a seat at the little table, hoping her towel holding her wet hair up didn’t slip over her face.
“I was watching the television and the earthquake’s epicenter was in the Sierra mountain range. We weren’t far from it.”
“I can believe that. Was there much damage?”
“Yes, and a few deaths.”
“We’re lucky Derek wasn’t one of them.”
“I know,” he said. “I got an update from Dr. Knowles, the paediatrician attending, and Derek is doing well. He’s still in the ICU, but they’re thinking of waking him soon from his medicated coma. He’s stable and there have been motor responses from his lower limbs.”
Pearl sighed in relief. “Thank goodness.”
“Do you ever think about our child?”
The question caught her off guard. Of course she did. All the time, but she tried not to. Work kept her busy, kept her distracted, so that she didn’t have to think about their baby. And the fact that the question came from Calum shocked her.
She couldn’t think about it when she ran off to New York. It was a foolish thing to do, but Pearl realized that when it came to matters of the heart, when it came close to her fear of losing something she wanted so badly, she fled.
It was easier to manage that pain.
“I do,” she said quietly. “I do all the time.”
“I’m surprised.”
“Why would you be surprised by that?”
“Because you left, because I tried to talk to you about it and you left,” he said.
“I left because I... Because I failed, Calum. I failed you. I failed our child. I’m the reason the baby was lost. My incompetent cervix. I failed you.” She couldn’t stop the tears then and she couldn’t believe that she had let that out. She’d never cried in front of him before and there was no way she could stop them now.
She was struggling to accept that she had told him; that she was vulnerable to him.
She was never vulnerable to anyone. She’d been taught that vulnerability was a weakness, by both her parents, but she couldn’t hold it back anymore. She was tired keeping everything in, and she wasn’t less of a person for feeling something.
“You didn’t fail me. Your body failed us, but not really. Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
Tears slid down her cheeks and the dam burst. There was no more holding back. “I shouldn’t be crying.”
“Why?”
“I was told tears were a weakness. Tears meant failure, and failure was a weakness. You think I’m a strong person, cold and detached, but I’m not. I’m not.”
“You’re the strongest person I know, Pearl.”
* * *
Calum couldn’t believe she was crying. That she blamed herself.
He knew that’s why the baby had been lost, but not that she carried the blame. She thought she’d let him down.
He didn’t feel that she had let him down because she lost the baby; she’d let him down because she left. But now she was crying and he hated to see her cry.
When he’d held her in his arms during the earthquake, he had wanted to keep her there. He had wanted to comfort her, because she had never let him comfort her before. Even when they were together, there had always been barriers between them. She had never let him in.
He closed the gap between them and took her in his arms. Tipping her chin, he kissed her on the lips, wanting her to know he didn’t blame her for the loss of their child, but he was unable to say that he was still hurt she had left him.
All he wanted to do was hold her, to kiss her and just be with her. Even if it was only one more time. He just wanted her. He’d always wanted her.
“Calum,” she murmured against his lips.
“Pearl, I’ve missed you.”
Her lips were so soft, he wanted to savor them. He so wanted to savor every second with her. He wanted her so badly.
He broke the kiss and stepped away, unsure of what to do. Unsure of everything. Pearl was standing so close to him. Just a few feet away. That’s all that separated them. Maybe that’s all that ever had. Maybe they were closer than he thought.
“Calum?” she asked, and her breath hitched. Her face was flush with desire and her eyes were still moist with tears.
Their first time together they’d been intoxicated. This time the only thing impeding him was his heart and the only thing he was drunk on was her.
Only her.
It had always been only her.
“I want you, Pearl. I’ve always wanted you.”
“I meant what I said in that operating room, Calum. I’ve only ever wanted you, too.”
Then why did you leave?
Only he didn’t say that out loud. He just stared at her, his pulse thundering in his ears, his blood burning with need to have her again. To never let her go.
“You really mean that?” he asked.
“I want tonight, Calum. I want you. Please. Even if it’s just for one night.”
There was no other answer needed. He closed the gap between them, reaching down to cup her face and kiss her again. Gently at first and then possessively, letting her know how much he wanted her. How much he only wanted her.
There had never been a time when he hadn’t wanted her. There would never be time when he wouldn’t desire her. Pearl was everywhere. She was in every dream, every memory of the best times of his life. She was like a ghost haunting him. She was everything.
Pearl melted under his lips, her arms around his neck and her fingers tangling in the hair at the nape. He pushed her over to the bed. He knew he shouldn’t, but he missed her, and she wanted it as much as he did.
Calum wanted to chase away the memories of their loss, her leaving, by making love to her. Even if it was just for one night.
“Are you sure, Pearl?” he asked again. “I don’t have protection.”
“I’m sure,” she murmured against his ear. “I’m on the pill. It’s okay.”
“Pearl...”
She silenced him with a kiss, then undid his belt. “I want you, Calum. I’ve always wanted you.”
The moment her hands slipped under the waist of his jeans, he moaned. He knew he was a lost man and he had to have her.
“You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Pearl.” He cupped her breasts and kissed that spot below her collarbone that he remembered so well. She moaned with pleasure. This is what he’d been dreaming of since she’d left.
Calum lowered her to the mattress, running his hands over her body, but pressing himself against her so he could feel her against him, feel every inch of her. He desperately wanted to be skin-to-skin.
Nothing separating them.
“Touch me,” she whispered, wrapping her legs around his waist.
“Pearl, you’re driving me crazy.”
“I don’t care. I want you. Now.”
Her urgency really drove him wild with desire.
With hurried fingers they undressed so that nothing was between them. She ran her hand over his skin, causing gooseflesh to break out. He loved the softness of her touch.
“Yes. Touch me,” he said.
“With pleasure.” She teased him with the tips of her fingers, running a finger lightly down his chest, over his nipples, along his ribs, lower and lower until she gripped him in the palm of her hand, stroking him.
“Oh, God,” he groaned.
“I love it when you moan,” she said huskily, still holding him. She leaned forward to kiss his neck, and her eyes were glittering the darkness of the room as she continued to stroke him, holding him captive to her touch.
Every nerve was burning under her touch. It was driving him wild. He didn’t want her to stop, but he didn’t want to come. Not this way, but it felt so good.
“Don’t stop.”
“I don’t plan on it.” And then her kisses trailed down his body until her mouth was on him, then his hand slipped into her hair. He wanted to be inside her, bring her pleasure.
The same pleasure she was giving him.
Growling, he pulled her away and then pushed her back against the mattress. She wrapped her legs around him and he moved them, pulling her legs open.
“Calum, I want you.”
“I know, but now it’s my time. I want to taste you.”
“Your turn...oh, my God.” She cried out as he did exactly what he said he would do. He was using his tongue to taste her, running his tongue around the most sensitive part of her, making her thighs quiver as he brought her close to the edge of ecstasy. Just like she had done to him.
“Calum!” she cried out.
“What?” he asked, knowing what she wanted. He wanted it, too. Badly.
He just wanted her to beg for it. To ask for it.
“You know.”
“No, I don’t.” And he went back to his ministrations, her hands in his hair, her back arched.
“Calum!”
“Tell me what you want, Pearl. Tell me.”
“I want you.”
He moved over her and entered her with one quick thrust.
/> Oh, God.
She was so tight, so hot, and it took every ounce of control he had not to take her hard and fast, like his body was screaming for him to do. He wanted to make this last.
He wanted to savor this moment, if it was to only be one night.
He wanted this one night to last forever.
Only he knew that it wouldn’t.
So he thrust slowly, agonizingly so, making her cry out, and he didn’t have long to wait. She began to meet his thrusts, urging him to go faster. They moved in sync like no time had passed between them, like they had done this so many times before. Like it was yesterday. He sank deeper, lost to her. He held her tight, his hand cupping her bottom as he let her ride him.
It was frenzied, fast and hot. It was everything to be that connected with her again and when he thought he couldn’t take much more she cried out, tightening around as she came, her nails digging into his back.
Only then did he let go of his control and join her. It had been so long.
Far too long.
He rolled away when it was over, trying to catch his breath and process what had happened. How powerful it had been. How deep their connection was, but there was no trust and there was nothing keeping her here. Just a job and she could leave him again.
They had made no promises to each other.
Don’t think about it now.
Only it was hard not to think about right here. She curled up next to him and he put his arm around her. They didn’t say anything to each other and he didn’t want to say anything. He didn’t want to ruin this moment. He just held her, listening to the sound of their breathing and the sound of the rain on the roof.
He wanted her again.
He was lost and he realized that, no matter how much he wanted to deny it.
He would always be lost.
Always.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
One month later, end of November
“I DON’T KNOW how much longer I can go on, Doc.”
Pearl worried her lip and looked at George. He didn’t look well. The port in his leg that was feeding chemotherapy straight to the tumor was doing a number on him, but Calum had been insistent that they needed to do a month of the targeted chemo to shrink the osteosarcoma before he even thought of operating.