As we taxied to the terminal in Melbourne, I sat in silence, reflecting on the journey in its entirety. Now that we were finally home and the trip was consigned to history, I felt that I’d climbed my Everest. I’d learned about my dad, my family, I’d kept my cool (mostly) in the most trying of circumstances and now we had things to bond over that no one else in the family would have.
As clichéd as it was, the trip had brought us closer together.
My thoughts were interrupted when Dad asked, ‘Will you be staying at our place tonight?’
I lived fifteen minutes from their place. ‘Nah, think I’ll be right. Thanks though.’
The trip hadn’t brought us that close.
It seemed fitting that Dad’s suitcase was the last out on the carousel. As the baggage-claim area cleared, we stood by, me with my bag, waiting for Dad’s. I presumed it was being used to temporarily chock the plane’s wheels.
Once it came out we cleared customs without me having to tell him to get his passport ready and headed home to a hero’s return. Mum, Michelle, Jason and his fiancée Claire were all there, wanting to hear about the trip and how much of my sanity I’d retained.
Dad proudly showed off his Parisian cobblestone, ignoring my sister’s, ‘What did you bring that home for?’
He was stunned to find out that the card we’d sent to Mum from Munich never arrived. To this day he still doesn’t understand how that happened. ‘You saw me, I wrote the right address and we had more than enough stamps. More than enough.’
‘What did you bring back?’ Mum asked me.
I held up Dad’s boarding pass from our flight home.
‘This. This is going to be my daily reminder of what I went through.’ Mum shook her head, but I’d planned to put it on the desk in my office, and whenever I’d get frustrated about something I could look it and think, ‘You can get through anything.’
Now that he was a seasoned traveller, Dad was asked where he’d go next.
‘I’d like to see India,’ he said.
‘India?’ I butted in. ‘You thought Paris stank! You think you could handle the slums of Mumbai?’
‘I’d only go for two days.’
No way was I putting my hand up for that trip, not even for two days.
My time with Dad had given me a new appreciation for Mum, and I took her aside to tell her I thought she was a saint for putting up with him. I could hardly imagine forty years of what I’d just been through. I was genuinely touched to have a new perspective on how much they really did love and care for each other, which would form the basis of the application when I nominated Mum for Australian of the Year.
Jason asked Dad what his favourite part of the trip was. After a pause, he answered, ‘I’d have to say sitting on the plane and hearing, “We’ve been in the air for five hours, and we’re still in Australia.” And I thought: what a bloody place.’
Three weeks in some of Europe’s most remarkable cities, seeing ancient and extraordinary landmarks, witnessing the remnants of turning points in world history, reconnecting with his birthplace and discovering extended family we’d thought lost. Three weeks of torturous indecision, endless frustration and pointless questions. For that.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
To all at Penguin Random House for their help and dedication – Jake, for putting me in touch with the right people, Cate for taking a chance on me, and Nikki and Sophie for coming to the rescue. To my editor, Johannes, thank you. You know your stuff, and knew how not to get in the way of the comedy. Alex, amazing job with the cover. Could not be happier.
Stef, thanks for being so supportive, from stand-up show all the way through to the book. It means a lot.
Rachel and Jill, your authoring knowledge and experience helped me through the rough [read: writer’s block] patches. Was good to know I wasn’t the first author to hate the process.
Ellen, thanks for taking the time out to read the bits I was struggling with and telling me it was funny and conveyed what I wanted it to.
Soph, thanks for listening. And talking me off a ledge week after week. You were so great with your feedback. And can’t thank you enough for the help with the cover. We nailed it.
Kitty, you’re a superstar for reading an entire first draft! Your feedback was invaluable. Can’t thank you enough. Hope this is in a big enough font for you to read.
Dad, massive kudos for being such a good sport. I know I was annoying too (probably), so I appreciate you putting up with me. You never asked to be the star of a show and now a book, but you’ve done it all with great humour. Thanks Tommy.
Mum. Thanks for instilling in me a love of books; finally you get to read one by me. Also: you really are a saint. I don’t know how you do it.
Love you both. There, I said it.
And finally, to Maurice Koechlin, Émile Nouguier and Stephen Sauvestre for designing the Eiffel Tower, which, although generally loved by most of the world, would be looked upon with disdain some 123 years later. I really couldn’t have done this without you.
Adam Rozenbachs is a stand-up comedian, writer, broadcaster, actor and voiceover artist. He has steadily risen to become one of Australia’s funniest and most consistent performers, writers and broadcasters.
VIKING
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Viking is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
First published by Viking, 2019
Text copyright © Adam Rozenbachs, 2019
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, published, performed in public or communicated to the public in any form or by any means without prior written permission from Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd or its authorised licensees.
Cover design by Alex Ross © Penguin Random House Australia Pty Ltd
Cover images courtesy Mark Weiss/Getty Images (snowglobe), Jamesmcq24/Getty Images (Eiffel Tower), tadamichi/Shutterstock (puddle) and gopfaster/Shutterstock (shard)
ISBN 9781760144470
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Paris and Other Disappointments Page 18