Piecing It All Together

by Leslie Gould

  Emma pointed to the cobbler. “Help yourselves when you’re ready.”

  She dished up the broth from the pot on the back of the cooker, poured water from the pitcher into a cup, and headed back to the bedroom.

  Mamm hummed to Hansi, who was now completely awake.

  As Emma spooned broth into his mouth, she asked her mother, “Do you plan to go to the meeting tomorrow?”

  Her mother nodded. “Jah, I want to go, but your father isn’t as enthusiastic.”

  “Do you want to go west?”

  “Jah,” she said. “But the duty of a fraw is to trust her mann.”

  When Emma didn’t answer, her mother added, “The Lord leads your father, and I follow. That’s my duty. Whether it means staying or going.”

  Emma knew it was hers too. But that didn’t mean she wanted to go. And the truth was, Mamm made a lot of the decisions in the family. In fact, she could talk all she wanted about duty, but it seemed she usually got her way.

  Hansi shook his head when Emma offered him another spoonful. She put the bowl on the bureau and then said, “This is our home. I have a bad feeling about leaving.”

  “It’s because you’ll be delivering soon,” her mother replied. “Of course you don’t want to leave. Not when you have a baby on the way.”

  Emma held the cup for Hansi, and he took a long drink.

  “And when you have an ill little one too,” Mamm added. “But I think Hansi won’t be ill long. Jah, he has a sore throat and a fever, but hopefully he’ll be on the mend soon.” She dug in her bag, pulling out a cloth. “I’ll make a poultice for him.”

  When she reached the door, she turned and said to Emma, “I’ll stay with Hansi tomorrow evening so you can go to the meeting with Asher. Perhaps if you hear the stories of the travelers firsthand, you’ll feel better about moving west.”

  DURING THE NIGHT, Hansi’s fever broke, and he seemed to be getting better. Mamm had left another poultice, and Emma applied it early in the morning. After Asher milked the cow, Emma fixed breakfast while he talked again about the meeting. “Will you go with me?”

  “Jah,” Emma said. “Mamm said she would sit with Hansi.”

  “I’ve heard the land is vast and fertile.” Under the light from the lamp, his eyes shone with excitement. “I’m sure they have much to tell us.”

  Emma’s stomach roiled. When they first married, he seemed to only think about their farm and the improvements he could make. Now he seemed to be overcome with thoughts about moving west.

  But he was a hard worker, and no doubt if they did go west, he would be successful. After he finished eating, Asher left to help the Millers with their hay. No doubt Joseph would be working too and filling Asher’s head with more ideas, long before the meeting tonight.

  She went on with her day. Weeding. Cooking. Tending to Hansi. Late in the afternoon, when he awoke from his nap, he was running a fever again. Emma placed a cool cloth on his forehead and continued fixing supper. Then she put on her newest dress, one she’d sewn a few months before.

  Asher arrived before Mamm and washed up before they ate. After they’d finished their meal, he began to pace as Emma washed the dishes. “Perhaps she’s at a birth,” he said.

  “She would have sent Isaac to tell us,” Emma said. “But if you’re worried about being late for the meeting, go without me.” She thought he might, but just then Mamm arrived. As soon as she came through the door, she shooed them out. “Isaac will be along shortly so he can walk me home,” she said. “Remember every detail of what is said so you can tell me, in case your father forgets.”

  The meeting was held in Joseph Miller’s home, and a crowd had already gathered by the time Emma and Asher arrived. Her father and her older brother, Phillip, were sitting at the front of the living room and motioned for Emma and Asher to join them. Only a few other women were there, and Emma wished she hadn’t come. But on the other hand, she was touched that Asher had wanted her there. Perhaps he valued her opinion more than she thought.

  Joseph Miller, who was a preacher, strode up to the front of the room, followed by his brother, Daniel, and then Joseph Speicher and Nathan Smeily. All four men were thin and had a threadbare look about them. They needed haircuts and a month of good meals in their bellies.

  Daniel did most of the talking, explaining that once they’d arrived in Pittsburgh, they took a river steamer to Cairo, Illinois. “That’s where the Ohio River joins the Mississippi,” he explained. “From there, we traveled upstream on the Mississippi River to Burlington, Iowa.” He said that they’d scouted sites for farms and homes and then traveled northwest on foot to Iowa City, through the town of Des Moines, and on to Johnson County, for a total of a hundred miles. “The land is flatter than here but fertile. There’s plenty of water and opportunities.”

  Iowa. Emma hadn’t guessed they would go that far.

  “We liked what we saw,” Daniel said, “but we decided to go overland on our way home and see more of the country. We passed through Chicago, a small frontier town in Illinois, and then we crossed the southern tip of Lake Michigan by boat and reached the Saint Joseph River. Once we left the river, we traveled by foot to Goshen, Indiana, in Elkhart County.”

  “We saw acres and acres of open land,” Nathan chimed in. “Of all the places we saw, we were the most impressed with Elkhart County.”

  Asher seemed as if he could hardly contain himself as he asked, “Will the four of you return with your families?”

  Daniel glanced at his brother. Joseph shrugged and said, “We need to spend time in prayer before we make a decision.”

  Joseph Speicher and Nathan Smeily nodded in agreement. Other men raised questions about crops and water and the height of the grass. Finally, Asher asked if they saw any Native people.

  “No,” Daniel said. “We were told there’s a tribe left in Michigan, but most traveled to Kansas a few years ago, and some on to the Indian Territory west of there.”

  Emma wondered, if the land was so fertile, why they had left. Perhaps they didn’t want to be around the new settlers. Perhaps the Native men had chosen to go farther west, just as Asher wanted to, taking the women with them. Emma wondered if the women had been as apprehensive and hesitant as she felt now.

  Mamm told her once that nothing ever stayed the same, but Emma had a hard time believing her. Life in Somerset County had been the same for her great-grandparents, grandparents, and parents. All she wanted was for it to be the same for her too.

  CHAPTER 9

  After the gathering broke up, Asher cornered Daniel with more questions, while Emma talked with her father. He was forty-six with a beard that was just starting to gray. “Dat,” she asked, “do you think you will go?”

  He shrugged. “I agree with your mother that there isn’t enough land here for Phillip and Isaac to have farms of their own. We need to do something.” Dat smiled down at Emma. “But it’s hard for me to think about leaving my father and brothers and our community.”

  Emma nodded. “I feel the same way.”

  On the way home, under a clear sky and a nearly full moon, Asher took Emma’s hand, the way he used to when they were courting. “Daniel said they’ll be leaving in the spring.”

  “They’ve decided to go?” Emma stopped. “I thought they were going to pray about it first.”

  “Well, he said they haven’t decided for sure. . . . But he said he’s nearly positive his family will go. He plans to buy a covered wagon and share a freight wagon. We’ll have to pack carefully, taking only what is essential. Tools. Seeds. Staples. Chickens. A few piglets. Bossie and Red. We’ll need to buy a pair of oxen. The roads in Indiana are mostly widened trails, so the traveling will be slow. . . .”

  “Have you decided to go for sure, then?” Emma’s voice caught as she spoke.

  Asher nodded. “It’s what’s best for us.”

  Emma let go of Asher’s hand. The new baby would be five months old. Hansi would be nearly four but not able to walk far at a time. If her Mamm
and Dat went too, and her brothers, she’d have help with the children. Tears threatened. She’d never see her grandfather again.

  “What about your parents?” Emma asked. “And your brother?” Asher had a twin named Abel, whom Emma had courted—until she met Asher. “What about your family?”

  “What about them?”

  “Are they interested in going west?”

  Asher frowned. “No. That’s the last thing they would want to do.”

  “Won’t you miss them?”

  Asher sighed. “I will, but the sooner we go west, the better. The land won’t last at affordable prices. It’s what’s best for our family.”

  “But it’s so far away. How would we travel that far with Hansi and the new Boppli?”

  “It’s not that far,” Asher answered. “Less than five hundred miles. Think of those heading all the way to the Oregon Territory. That’s over twenty-five hundred miles.”

  When she didn’t respond, Asher said, “I will begin looking for a buyer for our land. That’s the first step. We will need money to buy a wagon and supplies, and then to buy land in Indiana.”

  Emma didn’t voice it out loud, but she knew he would first need to pay his father, who’d loaned him the money for the farm.

  When they reached their house, a lamp burned in the bedroom window. Emma had hoped Hansi was fast asleep, but perhaps Mamm was administering another poultice. Asher went out to the barn to check on the animals, while Emma went into the house.

  Without hanging up her cloak, she went directly to the bedroom and stopped in the doorway. Isaac knelt beside the bed, while Mamm held Hansi like a baby, staring into his face. His eyes were closed, a wet cloth was draped over his forehead, and his curls were soaked in sweat.

  Mamm raised her head and without greeting Emma, she said, “He’s taken a turn.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He’s hotter, and his throat is worse.” She paused. “There’s a gray coating covering the back.”

  Emma froze.

  “It’s diphtheria,” Mamm said.

  Tears instantly sprung to Emma’s eyes.

  “Now, now,” Mamm said. “You must trust God. Have courage.”

  Two of Emma’s cousins had died from diphtheria years ago. Finally able to move her feet, she shuffled to the bed and took Hansi from her mother, knocking the cloth to the floor as she hoisted him over her belly and to her chest. She began to cry.

  “Control yourself,” Mamm whispered. “Or you will scare your child.”

  Emma had been reprimanded her entire life about controlling her emotions and her anxiety. And she had tried. Ever since Hansi was born, she was afraid he would die. One time, she confessed her fear to Mamm, who only sighed.

  Mamm had lost two babies before they’d turned three, which probably contributed to Emma’s fear. There were no guarantees when it came to a child surviving. Emma knew that. God called His people to faith, to trust Him. Yet, even as others quietly seemed to accept the will of God, Emma still feared.

  MAMM DID STAY the night, but then she was called away on a birth, and Emma cared for Hansi by herself, applying more poultices, including one made from turpentine and lard. She coaxed as much water and broth into him as she could. He slept fitfully, tossing and turning and calling out for her.

  Asher grew quiet, and Emma feared even her optimistic husband thought their son might die.

  Mamm came back from the birth, a difficult one that lasted three days. She was exhausted, and Emma insisted she go home and sleep.

  The next day, when she came back, she forced Emma to sleep while she watched over the boy.

  By the next Lord’s Day, Hansi was delirious. Dawdi came to check on them and sat at the end of the bed, his head bent in prayer and his long white beard dipping toward the floor. His presence was a comfort to Emma.

  Hansi’s fever rose and fell. He lost weight, and his skin grew nearly translucent. Asher seemed to grow more and more distant. At night, when Emma had her Kapp off and her hair down, Hansi would reach up and stroke her tresses, bringing tears to her eyes. He was such a sweet boy, even when deathly ill.

  Mamm came and went, as did Dat and Dawdi. On Tuesday morning, early in the morning, Emma sat beside Hansi on his little bed. His breathing slowed more and more. Emma knew what was coming, but when he didn’t take another breath, she gasped, waking Asher.

  He stumbled from the big bed.

  Emma sobbed. “Go get Mamm.”

  He did as she asked, but once he left the house, she regretted not asking him to come sit first. She knew Hansi was gone, but one last memory of the three of them together was what she needed. She bent over and kissed her son’s head, his curls against her lips.

  Mamm, Dat, and Dawdi arrived, along with Emma’s brothers. All crowded around the little bed, while Asher stood behind them. Dawdi put his hand on her shoulder, as if trying to share his strength.

  Mamm washed and prepared Hansi’s body for burial, while Dat and Phillip made a little coffin and Isaac rode across the county to tell Asher’s parents and Abel. Asher had vanished. Emma wasn’t sure where her husband went, but she guessed he went out to work on the farm. He finally returned for supper.

  That night, family and neighbors came to view the body. The next day, Mamm scrubbed Emma’s house and got it ready for the service. Neighbors brought food—venison and mashed potatoes, jars of beans and chow chow, fresh butter and cream.

  Emma couldn’t comprehend what the preacher said the next day. Jah, they all knew Jesus said, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

  But be of good cheer. She despised those words. Hansi was gone. Her boy, gone. She would never feel good cheer again. But she didn’t cry. She was trying so hard to control her emotions. But she couldn’t control her feelings.

  They buried him in her family plot, next to Emma’s baby sister and brother. Afterward, everyone went to Mamm and Dat’s house for a meal. When Asher finally said it was time to go home, Emma, no longer able to control herself, began to cry. Mamm whisked her off to her old bedroom and sat her down.

  “You have this new baby to think of, and your husband needs you.” Mamm stood above Emma with her hands on her hips. “God took Hansi for a reason. You need to rest in that.”

  Emma buried her head in her hands and sobbed, but finally she composed herself and walked home with Asher.

  They didn’t talk much the next few days, except when neighbors or family stopped by. Asher busied himself with repairing the fence and then dragging the pasture.

  One rainy afternoon a week later, he came into the house early, his face flushed and saying he didn’t feel well. He burned with fever. Emma helped him to bed and then ran down the trail to fetch Mamm.

  They both guessed it was diphtheria. Mamm assured Emma that adults didn’t succumb to the disease as often as children, but Emma couldn’t help but fear the worst as she applied poultice after poultice.

  Asher turned and thrashed, muttering in his sleep about leaving Somerset County, about Indiana, and about the Elkhart Plain. “I’ll start over,” he muttered. “I’ll have more sons.”

  Emma regretted her hesitation about going west and assured him that she would go willingly the very next spring. She’d never have more children, besides the one she carried, if Asher didn’t recover.

  He did get better. The fever broke, the thick gray coating on the back of his throat disappeared, and he was able to leave the bed and walk as far as the table. The neighbors, Dawdi, Dat, and the boys had been doing the chores and seeing to the farm. Asher tried to go out and help, but he would come in early, exhausted. Even so, October had turned into November, and Emma grew more hopeful. Asher was alive. Surely he would grow stronger with time.

  At the end of November, she went into labor. Thankfully, Isaac was staying with them, because Asher wouldn’t have been strong enough to get Mamm. When Isaac returned with th
eir mother, Emma already had the urge to push. Perhaps the Lord was showing her mercy in her time of need, considering everything she’d gone through in the last month.

  She had only pushed three times when a perfect little girl slid from her. The cord was wrapped around her neck, and she had a grayish tint to her skin, but Emma didn’t react. It happened from time to time. Mamm would get her breathing.

  But then Emma’s mind began to race. How long had it been since she’d felt the baby move? Hours? A day? Why couldn’t she remember?

  No cry came. It felt as if hours passed, but it was probably only a few minutes until Mamm placed the stillborn baby next to Emma and said, “Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

  Emma closed her eyes and cried.

  ASHER STILL TALKED of going west with the group in the spring, but it was obvious to everyone it would not happen. He couldn’t even do the chores by himself; there was no way he’d be able to farm. Emma helped him now, trudging through the snow to feed the livestock and hauling water to the trough. Mending the fence when an animal broke through. Chopping wood for the cooker and fireplace.

  Mamm feared his heart had been injured by the illness, but she had no idea what that would mean for the future. “Perhaps he will still grow stronger,” she said.

  Emma thought of the family cemetery, of the baby girl buried next to Hansi. They hadn’t named her—Emma couldn’t bear to. She also couldn’t bear the thought of Asher joining his children in the next life, not yet.

  Her heart changed toward him. She missed his strength and optimism, and she did all she could to help him. She feared if he didn’t get better then they couldn’t keep the farm. And she had no idea how they could make a living without it. Crops had to be seeded, grown, and harvested to pay Asher’s father back for the loan he’d given them to buy the farm in the first place. Jah, for the first time in her life, Emma had to be the strong one. She’d lost her son and daughter, but if she could keep her husband alive, she still had hope for the future.