A few hours later, while he pretended to watch television with Chris, she finally returned home. Drew jumped up off the couch and Chris turned off the television. Both men stood to assess her. She looked the same way she’d always looked to Chris: strong, determined, in control. He sighed in relief and left to hide in his room.
At the sound of Chris’s door closing, Drew spoke, doing his best to sound calm. “I was freaking out Jess. Where did you go? Are you okay?” He approached her with cautious concern. He just wanted to wrap his arms around her, but the shocked, livid look on her face made him hesitate.
“Have you been here this entire time?!” She couldn’t believe he had stayed.
“Yes of course I have! Where else would I go? You drop this bombshell on me and then take off before we get a chance to talk about it—” he took a breath to control his anger.
His tone seemed to annoy her again and she walked past him to the kitchen to make tea and food. In the rush to get to the clinic, she’d forgotten to eat, and she was starving. He followed her.
“I was at an abortion clinic. There’s nothing to discuss, Drew, so you can leave anytime now.” She peeled a banana and took a bite as she turned to face him.
He felt as if someone had just punched him in the stomach; he hadn’t even considered that as an option. This was his baby, his child, a part of the two of them. Terrified that she’d already gone through with it, he gripped the counter and tried to breathe.
“Oh my God, Jess, please tell me you didn’t—did you…go through with it?” His voice cracked as he said it, the thought was so unbearable.
The sight of him so vulnerable and afraid shook her deeply, and she pushed aside the strange feeling of wanting nothing more than to protect him and make him feel safe.
“No,” she said quietly, swallowing a mouthful of banana with difficulty. “It was just a consultation. They force you to wait twenty-four hours before making a final decision,” she explained, trying to keep the resentment from her voice. “And because it’s Friday, I have to wait until Monday. Isn’t that ridiculous?” she scoffed, shaking her head.
She watched his shoulders slump and his body relax, as if he were relieved at this news. He moved from the counter to the chair in the breakfast nook and lowered himself into it. Jess poured her tea and made herself a sandwich.
He glanced out the patio doors to the backyard. “Jess, I need some air. Can we sit outside and talk, please?”
Jess bit into her sandwich and shrugged. She didn’t know why he was being so dramatic; she was the one who had to take care of it. She tried to remember if abortions were covered under the provincial health plan or not as she picked up her mug of tea and followed him outside. It was almost noon and the hot sun was beating down on the patio. Jess opened the umbrella for some shade, then put her feet up and sipped her tea. She was suddenly exhausted and thought she might fall asleep right there.
Drew sat on the chair beside her and attempted to gather his jumbled thoughts. He already knew he wanted Jess, but he couldn’t believe he wanted this baby. He stood abruptly and pulled his chair next to hers. The sudden movement caused her tea to spill over the side of her cup, but he persevered against her accusing looks and, sitting back down, took her tea and held her hand. “I don’t want you to have an abortion yet.”
Jess, busy mopping up the tea with her t-shirt and her free hand, paused and raised her eyebrows at him.
“I need some time to think about it. I just found out today, Jess. Please. I’m asking you for a little time.”
More confused than ever, Jess studied the pained look on his face and wondered if he was insane. He had just found out, whereas she’d known for a month, and sure, he was in shock, but still…. She wondered briefly if he had any rights as the father and what her responsibility to those might be. She quickly shook the thoughts away. It was her body and ultimately the baby would be her responsibility; it’s not like they were a couple. She already knew she couldn’t love a child in the way it needed, and impatiently she wondered why she was even thinking about granting him his request. She studied Drew’s anxious face.
With a flare of impatience, she waved her free hand dismissively as she met his gaze. “You can have all the time you need,” she said with barely suppressed anger, “but I am going through with it.”
He closed his eyes and she saw the hurt on his face. She couldn’t stand it for a minute longer. She hopped up and called to Mo. As the dog came, she gathered her leash and headed out for a walk. She needed to go to her favourite place and clear her head, but Drew followed.
“What did they say at the clinic?”
“The only thing they can say—I have three options: keep it, give it up, or have an abortion. And I’m well within the timeframe to have an abortion.” Jess found her familiar path, let the dog go, and enjoyed the smell of the lush foliage. Drew fell into step beside her.
“Two months then…? The second time we…?” Drew calculated.
She nodded. “Was anything wrong with the condom afterwards?”
“No. No.” He shook his head, thinking. “Nothing…”
She glanced at his pale, worried face and felt an unfamiliar twinge of guilt. “I’m sorry you found out, Drew.”
“No, I’m glad I did. I mean, all I can think about is when I was a kid, I was teased relentlessly about my curly hair…” he paused as the reality of the situation sunk in and he realized that his time was limited. He grabbed Jess’s hand to stop her from walking, “but I pictured this baby, our baby, with my awful hair and your beautiful green eyes and, Jess, I want this more than anything.”
Jess snatched her hand away at his words. “No, Drew. That’s not going to happen,” her heart beat wildly, “I’m not having this baby. You can have that with anyone at any time, but this is not it.”
“But I don’t want this with anyone else. I want this with you.” He knew what he was saying was crazy and impulsive, but it felt so right. Like this was what he’d been waiting for and it was meant to be. “Jess, this morning, those roses…before I knew about the baby…I’ve been waiting for you to come home since that first night.”
Jess shook her head no.
“Please think about it. I mean, it’s not like we’re teenagers—I’m thirty. I think we could really make it work—”
“And if we couldn’t?! If it didn’t work?” she yelled. She stopped abruptly on the path and spun around to look at him. “Then what? I’m stuck raising this baby that I never wanted and you’re fancy-free? And that’s not even the point, Drew! I don’t even want kids.”
“No, of course not. I would never leave my child. I would always be involved, we would share custody and I would even do more if you wanted, but Jess—” he pulled her in close and touched her cheek like he’d been dying to do since he first saw her that morning. She looked down and tried to avoid the calming influence his touch had on her. He thought about how if it worked out between them how much they would regret not keeping their first child. “I think it will work,” he whispered, “I know you’ve been left, but I promise you I would never leave you and our child. Never. I want this. I want you.”
She shook her head again, though she felt weak now. She didn’t believe a word he’d said. She hadn’t believed anything anyone had ever said to her.
“Drew,” her voice cracked, her emotions were all over the place and she hated it. She had always been in control of her own life as an adult until right now. A tear fell down her cheek for the first time she could remember. “I’ve never loved anyone…I can’t love.” She hated him for forcing her to think about it, to say it out loud. “A child needs a mother that…I don’t even know what a child would need.”
He held her tighter; his heart beat fast at the first signs of vulnerability he’d witnessed from her, and he felt hopeful. “That’s not true. You love Chris. You don’t give yourself enough credit, Jess. You’re strong and smart, I know you’re capable. And when it’s your child you’ll see it a different way,
something happens. I never even looked twice at kids until my nephew was born a few years ago, and something happens when it’s blood, when it’s a part of you…and you won’t be able to help but fall in love with it, and with me.” He’d tried to lighten the mood and make her laugh with his joke, but she didn’t even smile.
She shook her head and frowned instead. It was so easy for him to believe that; it had been completely different for him, growing up in a normal family. He had no idea. The image of herself as a baby, alone in a playpen in a dark room for hours and hours, tore through her mind and made her body feel cold. She stepped away from him.
“It didn’t happen to whoever gave birth to me, and the same is true for thousands of other kids. I can’t take that risk with a child’s life.”
“Then I will love you both enough until you see the truth. Please think about it Jess, please. We could really have something here. I want this.” He seemed close to tears as he pulled her back to him and kissed her passionately, desperately. The memories of their nights together, and the dreams she’d had about him overseas, came flooding back, filling her mind with doubt.
Chapter 4
Drew walked into his parents’ house and found his mom in the living room reading a magazine. The scent of their home filled him with the warmth and comfort he needed right now.
“Hi sweetheart, this is a nice surprise.” Michelle Evans stood to wrap her arms around her son.
Drew buried his head in her shoulder as tears filled his eyes. Her short blonde bob brushed against his face and he felt immediately comforted by her hug and her familiar perfume. His heart ached at the realization that Jess had no one like this to turn to. “What is it? What’s wrong?” she asked in alarm and pulled back to study him; she wasn’t used to her grown son coming to her in tears. She removed her glasses and placed them on the coffee table, intent on studying his face. She stroked his face and smoothed his hair like she did when he was little.
He told her about Jess. She closed her eyes and tried to hide the disappointment she felt. “Oh, Drew. How did this happen? You know to be careful….” He reassured her that they had been. “Are you sure? A girl like that…and are you sure it’s even yours?”
Drew straightened, feeling fiercely protective of Jess. “I’m sure, Mom,” he said, looking at her sternly, then sighed, knowing she was just looking out for him. “You have to meet her,” he smiled, “she’s amazing and strong. She’s a military nurse just back from Afghanistan,” he defended. “She’s had zero support and she found a way to fulfill her dream of becoming a nurse. She doesn’t need me or anyone. She can support herself and she doesn’t even want…kids.” He trailed off, feeling sick to his stomach. “I just mean, she’s definitely not trying to trap me,” he finished lamely.
Michelle eyed her son as she listened to him talk about Jess; clearly this girl was not just a fling to him.
“Well,” she began carefully, “a woman doesn’t need your permission to have a baby or an abortion.” Michelle sighed, “maybe it’s for the best though, Drew, you barely know her.”
“But that’s my child, a part of me. It’s a part of you, Mom! I want her to keep it,” his voice cracked, “I know it’s crazy. But the thought of her getting rid of it like that—” he teared up again. “I never knew that I was against abortion. Maybe that’s part of it. But I care about her, Mom, a lot. What can I say to her? How can I convince her?”
She smiled sadly at her son, unsure of how to comfort him. “I don’t think you can say anything else. You’ve told her what you want, and now it’s up to her. You should give her some space to decide.” She felt for this girl, growing up in foster homes and basically raising herself. She hugged her son again, “Oh my boy, you always had such a big, bleeding heart.” He held his mom and kissed her on the cheek. “We’re here for you. Bring her over for dinner.”
Drew wiped his eyes and laughed at the thought of Jess ever agreeing to that.
***
After Drew left, Jess wondered how she could have let this happen. Guilt and pain washed over her as she pictured Drew’s desperate face and the baby he described, followed by anger that he had made her question herself. She slammed Mo’s water dish down on the floor, spilling some of it over the side and onto the tile as she did so. The dog looked up at her worriedly, before gratefully lapping up the fresh, cold water after the walk.
Chris walked into the kitchen and stood silently, a sheepish look on his face. Her fury increased at the sight of him, but she chose her words carefully. “You are the only person I have ever trusted. Now there is no one.”
She stormed past him into her bedroom and slammed the door. Chris looked down at Mo, who was wagging her tail and looking up at him with concern. He hung his head and bent down to pet her, but the dull ache in his chest didn’t loosen. He went to the fridge and opened a beer.
***
That evening, Chris tapped his foot impatiently as he sat on the park bench and stared at the shutter on Charlie and June’s house. Why couldn’t they take a simple hammer and nail and straighten it? It had been hanging crooked on the front of their dirty house for nineteen years. What kind of people didn’t fix a simple shutter in that length of time? He knew the answer but still it aggravated him. He thought about the house he owned now, how perfect it was, how he made every repair himself. How it gleamed from the inside out. His muscles tensed and he gripped his coffee cup so hard that some of its contents spilled out and onto his hand. He cursed and licked the hot drink from his skin.
A few parents at the playground glanced over at him and then at each other, but Chris paid no attention. Because of Charlie’s paranoia, not once had he and Jess been allowed to play at this park in the entire time they lived there, though it was right across the street. They used to watch from the basement window as the other neighbourhood kids played for hours. He thought about how different their life would have been if they’d been allowed this one small thing. They would’ve been able to use their imaginations, make friends, enjoy fresh air and exercise…his rage was interrupted by the joyous scream of a small child being pushed on a swing by its mother. He clenched his teeth, picked at a loose piece of wood from the bench, and glared at the house.
***
The next evening Jess opened the front door to Drew holding a casserole dish. “So, my mom made this, and I thought we could talk.”
Jess looked away and he quickly put the dish down on the table and scooped her up in his arms. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t stay away. I’ve been going crazy thinking about this and I missed you.”
“Please don’t, Drew,” she whispered and pushed herself away from him. She was surprised again at the effect of his comforting touch and how her heart beat rapidly in her chest in response. Still, she pushed him away. She wondered if his mom cooked for him often, and if she had made it with Jess in mind. She wondered if he had told his family about her at all, or about the baby. She couldn’t bring herself to ask him to leave, but besides that she didn’t have much else in her. She headed into the living room without another word, while he picked up the dish and took it to the kitchen.
He spooned out two bowls of the baked pasta and returned, he handed her one and sat beside her on the couch. In no mood to talk, and not knowing what to say anyway, she put on a movie. Drew couldn’t concentrate; instead, he noticed how beautiful she was with her hair in a ponytail and her dark-rimmed glasses on. Her vanilla-floral scent lingered in his nose from when he had held her at the front doorway. He thought about reaching for her hand, but her body language told him not to. He wanted to tell her how much he thought about her and missed her while she was away, but he didn’t want to push. He looked down at her stomach and thought about the growing baby inside.
After the movie, Jess washed out the dish and handed it to Drew silently. Then she walked him to the door. “Will you let me know, Jess?” he said softly, “When you decide about the baby?”
She looked away, but he lifted her chin and kissed her softly on t
he lips. He wanted her so much; he wanted to stay and make love to her. He wanted to wake up with her in the morning. He wanted to convince her to keep the baby, tell her how they could have a life together. But he followed his mom’s advice and remained silent, only making sure to look into her eyes, hoping she would hear his thoughts and invite him to stay. When she didn’t say a word, he kissed her forehead and left.
Jess closed the door and felt more confused than ever; she didn’t know what he wanted or why he’d come. Why did he still come? Did he want to control her, to tell her what to do and decide what was best for her, just like everyone else? This was her life now, she reminded herself, and she didn’t have to let that happen anymore. She felt the safety of numbness envelop her as she got into bed and picked up her book.
***
First thing Monday morning, Jess arrived at the abortion clinic and waited outside until they opened the doors. She sat in the waiting room for her appointment and wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans, trying to calm her twitching legs. She felt the growing moisture under her arms and the pit in the bottom of her stomach.
“Miss Adams?” the nurse called a few minutes later, looking at her clipboard over her glasses. Jess forced herself to stand and follow the nurse through the door and into the small room. “You can put your clothes over here, ties go in the back,” she instructed, referring to the clinic gown. The nurse closed the door as Jess sat on the examination chair and closed her eyes. She tried to breathe and calm her anxious thoughts.
***
“Hey Chris, where is she?” Drew asked as he entered the house. Having not heard a word from Jess the rest of the weekend, he’d called in sick to work.
“I don’t know, man, she was gone when I woke up. Took my truck.”
Mine Page 4