***
When Drew knocked on Chris’s bedroom door, it jarred them both awake. “Hey man, you up? Have you seen Jess? She’s not…”
Drew halted in the doorway of his friend’s bedroom and his heart seized in his chest at the sight of the two of them in bed together: Chris’s arm around her; her head on his bare chest. Drew backed up and away, his heart lurching and his mind spinning in confusion.
Waking to the sight of a bewildered, red-faced Drew, it took Chris a moment to recall that Jess was in bed with him. He cursed and got up, disturbing Jess who sat up, rubbing her eyes. Waking up next to Chris triggered a memory from their teenage years. She pictured the mattress on the floor in the basement bedroom and remembered the day he’d pushed her out of it and told her that she needed to find somewhere else to sleep. She’d been hurt and confused; she hadn’t understood. He’d been acting differently for a while; his body had changed, and his voice had deepened. She recalled squeezing away the hot tears from her eyes at the sudden rejection from him. She didn’t cry often. She had learned long ago that there was no point when no one responded. It wasn’t until much later that she realized he’d been protecting her from his emerging puberty.
Jess snapped back to the present, worried about what Drew thought of finding the two of them in bed together. She listened to Chris’s explanation as she got out of bed and stepped into the living room.
“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa…hold it right there, man. It’s not what you think—”
Drew was almost at the front door when he turned to face him. He held his hand up to silence Chris, unable to speak. He had never even considered that they’d had a sexual relationship until now.
“Jess and I have never slept together—I mean, we sleep together sometimes. We’ve always slept together, we just…” Chris was stuttering.
“Drew.”
Both men turned at the sound of Jess’s voice.
Chris quietly retreated to the kitchen as Jess and Drew’s eyes met. “I’m sorry.”
Drew sighed, feeling helpless at the sight of her. Her messy hair and her rumpled, soft, pink cotton pyjamas. Her beautiful green eyes and the life that he wanted with her, the baby he wanted with her. He felt doubt flood in around everything he thought he knew, and he wondered if there was a chance that the baby was Chris’s. His heart seemed to break into a million tiny pieces at the thought, and in another second the rage and jealousy kicked in as he pictured Chris’s hands on her. He would never forgive Chris for this. He’d taken advantage. Drew felt protective of her, she was strong but vulnerable. He knew Chris had grown up the same way she had, but it didn’t excuse his behaviour, and he wondered why Chris had set them up in the first place. It didn’t make sense. He looked at the floor and shook his head.
Jess slowly walked towards him; she saw the devastation on his face and it made her heart ache. Gently, she reached for his hand. It was the first non-sexual contact she had ever initiated with him, with anyone for that matter, and it made her feel exposed. He pulled his hand away and in one swift reflex she crossed her arms over her chest protectively. In the past, she never would’ve wanted to explain or felt worried what someone thought. But now it felt like the most important thing she’d ever attempted.
“Chris and I have never had sex, Drew.” The thought made her skin crawl. He was her brother. Not biologically, but in every other sense.
“Until last night?”
“No!” Despite that she was telling the truth, Jess felt hot shame flush through her. She kept her eyes averted and fidgeted with her pyjama shirt.
He waited a minute for her to elaborate, when she didn’t, he continued. “Jess, I’m about to walk out of here right now so you’d better talk. You need to save this. I’m trying really hard and I just found you in bed with another man, so if you don’t give a shit—”
“Okay. Okay,” she said, relenting. She was still trying to understand the sense of panic she felt at the situation. “Sometimes…” she hesitated, wringing her hands and looking at the floor. “Sometimes…I get into bed with him in the middle of the night, like when we were kids.”
Drew searched her face and assessed her pyjamas again. It could be true, but more than likely he just wanted to believe it. “Why?”
“Just habit, I guess.”
“That’s not good enough. Why?” When she didn’t answer, he pushed harder. “Tell me Jess.”
“I…I had a bad dream.” Tears filled her eyes and she felt stupid and embarrassed like a child. Her face was red, and she was looking at the floor.
His heart ached for her as he realized it was the truth. He pulled her gently to him and held her tightly, letting go of all the thoughts of her with other guys as he kissed her head and cheek.
Jess wrapped her arms heavily around him, relieved that he knew the truth and believed her.
“I’m sorry. I freaked out. Seeing you two together like that, it threw me.”
When he didn’t stand up to leave, Jess told him she’d walk him out.
He looked at her, confused. “I’m not going anywhere. We need to talk about this.”
Jess narrowed her eyes at him; what was there to talk about? “Drew, it won’t work between us. You don’t trust me, and I don’t trust you.”
“I do trust you, I just—wait, why don’t you trust me? I haven’t done anything to make you not trust me, have I?”
Jess looked at him blankly. She remembered that most people trusted first, until someone broke that trust. It was the opposite for her. She trusted no one. Trust had to be earned.
Drew studied her for a moment. He realized that she had never been in a healthy relationship before. If it ever got complicated or there was an argument, as far as she was concerned it was over. He sighed at the realization. “Jess, I’m not leaving, and you can trust me.”
Chris entered the living room with his eyes on the floor, balancing two mugs of coffee in one hand and tea in the other for Jess, which he passed to her first. “Everything okay?”
Drew nodded and held out his hand to shake Chris’s.
Jess and Drew headed wordlessly outside to the backyard with their mugs. Mo followed them out and relieved herself on the grass. They sipped in silence for a few minutes.
“Tell me about your nightmare.”
“It was nothing. I can’t even remember,” she lied.
He’d known she wouldn’t confide in him that easily. He leaned over to kiss her head. If he’d been here, she would have turned to him, not Chris. “I can stay, if you need me.”
Her body tensed, but still he pressed.
“Will you reach for my hand again?” he asked softly. “I won’t pull away next time, I promise.”
Shocked that he hadn’t left her, she cautiously placed her hand over his.
Chapter 6
Drew and Jess spent the day together. First, they took Mo for a walk, and then they drove into the city for lunch. It was a beautiful sunny day, with just a hint of fall in the air. They wandered through the Art Gallery of Ontario, and Drew pointed out the different architectural designs of the buildings downtown. He told her about his childhood and his family, about growing up in Toronto. His parents met at the bank where they’d both worked. He had two older sisters and a four-year-old nephew. As kids, the family had eaten dinner every night together at the table. They played various sports on the weekend and went camping every summer. His parents had helped him financially through school, and they all got together at least once a month now that they were adults. Drew waited for Jess to talk, but she just listened.
“Do you talk, beautiful girl?” he finally asked, reaching for her hand as they walked.
She had listened closely as Drew talked about himself and his family. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to talk about her terrible childhood, about how for years she had fantasized about her real parents coming to get her. She didn’t want to tell him that she was terrified for Chris as she watched him get angrier all the time, and how he stalked their
foster house. Then there were her nursing stories from the war; those were horrific too. It was like they came from different planets. And she was the alien.
On the way back to the house, he saw the dark circles under her eyes and the look of fatigue on her face. He felt guilty for keeping her out all day. “I wore you out, I’m sorry. We walked a lot,” he said as he pulled into Chris’s driveway.
“I get tired easily now, it just comes over me.” The nausea was now replaced by this sudden, overwhelming fatigue. He listened as she talked about eating more protein and picking up some pre-natal vitamins. How she had missed the best time to take folic acid, but that her diet was good. “Why are you smiling?” she asked suspiciously, responding to the look on his face. “And where are we going?” He led her to the bedroom.
“I’m smiling because I finally got you to talk about something, and now I’m putting you down for a nap.”
Jess laughed as she lay down on the bed. He was still smiling as he kissed her. “What?” she asked.
“I love your laugh; I’ve never heard it before.”
Jess frowned; she knew she didn’t laugh very often.
“I didn’t mean…” he stammered, “I just meant it was nice to…”
Jess smiled up at him and reached for his face.
He closed his eyes and kissed her hands. “I love hearing you talk about the baby,” he said, and she closed her eyes. He climbed in beside her and held her close.
“I’m sorry,” she sighed.
“For what?”
“For today. I’m not very good at dating. I mean, I’ve never actually been on a date before.”
He held her away from him to look at her, shocked.
“Do you mean to tell me that in all of your twenty…wait…how old are you?”
She laughed and told him: twenty-seven.
“In your twenty-seven years on this earth, you’ve never been on a date?”
She shook her head with a rueful expression.
Drew thought it over quietly to himself. All her relationships had been only sexual. He wondered how many men had tried to break through…how many men she’d slept with…he shook the thoughts away; it didn’t matter to him, his were in the past too. His ego swelled at the thought of being the only man to take her out on a date. She wasn’t a virgin in the literal sense, but in many other ways, she was. She deserved better.
“When’s your birthday, Jessica Adams?”
“Sometime in March,” she replied, waving her hand in a vague gesture.
He felt as if someone punched him in the gut, but she seemed unfazed. “You mean, you don’t know what day your birthday is?”
She shook her head again.
“Have you ever had a birthday party?” he asked, his eyebrows raised as high as they could go at this sequence of discoveries.
She studied the look on his face and shook her head no.
For once he was speechless.
She stifled a yawn. “Are you leaving soon? I don’t want to fall asleep without saying goodbye.”
He held her closer. He never wanted to leave her again.
***
When she opened her eyes the first thing that she saw was the back of Drew’s head. He was sitting on her floor with his back against her bed, his phone and laptop out, catching up on some work. She liked that he was still here. She heard the music coming from the living room and recognized the sounds of one of Chris’s parties; it was dark outside.
“Hey, you,” he smiled when he heard her stir, “feel better?”
Jess stretched and he kneeled to kiss her cheek, inhaling her scent as he did so.
“Oh, I see why you stayed,” Jess insinuated as he wrapped his arms around her and rolled onto the bed beside her.
He laughed. “That was not my intention, but since you mention it...” he nuzzled against her neck as he spoke, then kissed his way down to her breasts.
“This is how we got into this mess in the first place!” she smiled indulgently.
“I like our mess. Besides, I’m pretty sure this is your fault. You seduced me, remember?”
“Nope, I remember no such thing.”
“Hmm,” he kissed her, “that’s convenient.” He pulled his face away as he examined her face. “You look much better,” he smiled with pleasure. “My sister told me that she took a nap every day when she was pregnant.”
Jess frowned and thought for a minute. “Does your family know about this?”
Drew averted his eyes, trying to decide on the right answer that was also the truth. He spoke carefully. “I went to my mom when you were still deciding about keeping the baby, when I was upset….” He looked up into her eyes. “I haven’t talked to anyone else, but I’m sure she’s told them.”
Jess imagined what they must think of her.
“They’re great Jess. Don’t worry, they’ll be supportive.”
Starving and worried, Jess got out of bed to find food and avoid her feelings about the baby and his family.
***
Chris was obviously intoxicated as he stumbled over to Jess. She tried to avoid his drunken embrace as she filled her plate from the kitchen table where he’d arranged for catering. “How’s my girl?” he slurred, managing to drape his arm around her. “Did you guys get all your issues figured out?”
“We’re good, Chris.”
“Well thaaat’s good because I want you to be happy and have a nice life and be happy…” He raised his beer to Drew, who was on the other side of the room talking to a few guests he knew. Drew waved back as he and Jess shared a look. “You mean everything to me, Jess,” Chris carried on. “I mean that.”
“I know, buddy.” Jess carried her plate of food out to the backyard and ran into Steve, a friend of Chris’s from volleyball who often frequented his get-togethers.
“Well hello there, pretty lady, long time no see! I heard you were back from that God-awful place where we aren’t really helping and no one wants us there. Are you home for good now?” He kissed her on the cheek and managed a hug around her plate of food while sizing up the rest of her. He’d always had a thing for her, and they’d flirted and danced at Chris’s parties before, but he could never quite make it happen. It hadn’t helped that Chris never thought anyone was good enough for his sister and had warned him several times to back off. He decided he wouldn’t let that happen tonight as he glanced around for Chris. Just then, the music changed to a song they both knew. They smiled at each other and he took her plate and placed it on a table, then he took her hand and pulled her over to the covered lanai to dance.
Jess knew what he wanted, what he’d always wanted from her—what most men wanted from her. He was cute, and it wasn’t like she hadn’t considered it before, it had just never seemed to work out for some reason. As they danced, she welcomed the momentary break from ‘adulting’, from the pressure from Drew, the anxiety about the baby…she pushed it all out of her mind as Steve drew her in closer. She closed her eyes and thought how it would be nice to forget for one whole night. But that night, she recognized the pattern: how she’d always tried to forget for just one night.
“You and I have some catching up to do now that you’re home,” Steve breathed into her ear as he held her even closer. But something felt wrong. His warm breath on her skin and his strong cologne suddenly repulsed and nauseated her. “Why don’t we sneak out of here tonight and…”
“Can I cut in?” Drew’s icy tone made them both stop dancing and pull apart. He had watched the creepy jerk ogling Jess and assumed she would’ve turned him down, but as he watched her let him continue to touch her, he’d nearly lost all control. He couldn’t believe she was flirting with this guy right in front of him. He took a deep breath and glared at her.
“Hey man,” Steve said calmly. He had seen Drew around a few times but wasn’t sure of his name. “We were dancing, do you mind?”
“I do mind, actually, and you need to get the hell out of here or we’re going to have a real problem.” He spoke
low, never taking his eyes off Jess. Steve waited for Jess’s response, but when there was none, he put his hands up in surrender and retreated into the kitchen for a beer. Drew waited for her to explain, feeling a headache beginning to form at the base of his skull. He massaged his neck as he thought about the day: First finding her in bed with Chris and now dancing with some loser at her brother’s party. In the middle of which they’d had a great day together. He couldn’t understand it.
And then it hit him. He’d assumed that she wanted to make it work between them, but she’d never really said so. He was the one who’d pushed for it. He wondered if he’d made up the chemistry that he’d felt between them. Looking at her now, he felt stupid. She stood there with an expression that said she hadn’t done anything wrong, and she said nothing. He felt angry, exasperated, hurt. “Jess…I don’t understand…”
“I’m sorry. I sort of…forgot…”
His eyes widened and Jess knew immediately that it was the wrong thing to say.
“You forgot?” He looked devastated. “Does none of this mean anything to you?” She couldn’t have replied if she wanted to, as he pressed on. “When we decided to keep our baby and try to make things work between us, and made love, and spent the day together today…you just forgot about all that?” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, or that he had to ask these questions.
Jess looked at the ground; she didn’t know how to explain that sometimes she just checked out. Had he just described their sex as making love? She felt scared that he was mad at her and she hated confrontation. She felt uncomfortable and unsure, so she turned away from him, picked up her plate of food, and headed to her bedroom.
Drew watched her walk away. He should’ve been the one to leave—but he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do that to her knowing what she’d been through. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat by the pool to cool off. He knew he was more hurt than angry. More scared that she didn’t want him and that she would raise this baby by herself. He cursed.
Half an hour later, when he was calm and she hadn’t returned, he knocked on her bedroom door and opened it.
Mine Page 6