***
“You have a visitor,” Chris said as Jess returned home from work. She eyed him suspiciously; neither one of them liked surprises…too many unknowns in their childhood. But as the guest stood from the couch to greet her, a big smile spread across her face.
“Ryan!” she smiled, relieved, and rushed to him to give him a hug. She felt a comforting little piece of familiarity; of knowing what to expect.
He hugged her back. “Your brother told me you were working in the O.R.,” he assessed her scrubs as Jess shrugged off her winter coat. “Those are the cleanest looking scrubs I’ve ever seen you in after a twelve-hour shift.” He laughed as he looked her over, but then did a double-take when he saw her large stomach.
At that moment, Drew walked in the front door carrying a pizza box. He watched the shock register on the stranger’s face as he sized up Jess’s body and asked her, puzzled, “Are you…?”
“Eighteen weeks,” Jess shrugged, “this is Drew.” The two shook hands as Chris smirked, grabbing the pizza box and taking it through to the kitchen. Ryan closed his eyes and looked at the floor. Drew stood immobilized when he saw the pain and disappointment on the man’s face. He also couldn’t help but notice how Jess was glowing. Dread filled his body.
“It was a surprise to me, too,” Jess said awkwardly. Drew watched Ryan’s eyes dart back and forth as he stared at Jess, and he felt the blood pool in his feet as he realized that this man was calculating the date.
“You were pregnant over there,” Ryan realized out loud.
“For our last tour,” she nodded. “Will you stay and have pizza with us?”
Ryan glanced at Drew again, who excused himself to the kitchen to help Chris with plates. Ryan drained the beer that Chris had given him earlier.
“Chris, please tell me who the hell that is,” Drew fumed as he entered the kitchen.
“Hot army doc. They worked together in that hellhole. Bonded over war stuff, or something.”
Drew opened a beer and took a long haul. Perfect. Another blindside. He wondered if things could get any worse.
“So, what are you doing here?” Jess asked with as much warmth in her voice as she could muster given the circumstances.
“I came to see you, Jess,” Ryan whispered, glancing towards the kitchen. “I came to see you.” He repeated, softer this time, as he looked away. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her since they returned home from their final tour. She hadn’t answered his texts, and this was the first chance he’d had to visit. He needed to know once and for all if she felt the same way. He wanted her to come with him back to California and work with him at his father’s practice. The sting of too little, too late, pained him greatly.
“I’m sorry Ryan.”
“So am I. I didn’t know you had someone.”
“I didn’t, I mean not really. It was casual and then…”
He nodded, understanding.
“I should probably go.” He stood up.
She nodded, feeling like her only friend was slipping away.
He headed to the door and picked up his coat from the back of the chair. “It was good to see you, Jess. I wish you the best. I mean that.” They hugged goodbye and he held onto her for a minute. She hated to see him go.
Later, after pizza, Chris went to work out and Drew turned to Jess as they sat on the couch together; she’d been quieter than usual. “Are you going to tell me about him?” he asked softly.
“We worked together. In Kabul.”
He studied her. She didn’t look at him, just stared at the television.
“Did you have feelings for him?” he asked quietly, too afraid to use the present tense and even more terrified to ask her if she’d slept with him and if there was a chance that this baby was his.
Jess laughed to herself as she thought about how Drew always assumed that feelings came easily to her. For most of her life, she had felt nothing and now…she felt angry and guilty for hurting Ryan. She felt devastated at the loss of her friend and colleague of six years; the only other person besides Chris that she had let in and trusted. She felt afraid for her baby’s future. But most of all, she realized, she felt worried about hurting Drew again. She thought about how she had felt when Ryan held her in his arms—how it felt nothing like when she was with Drew.
He watched her confused, worried face. He knelt on the floor in front of her. “Did you tell him we’re madly in love and we’re going to live happily ever after with this baby?”
She smiled down at him and ran her fingers through his curly hair. He closed his eyes at her soft touch. She recognized his need for…something, but she had no idea how to tell him how she felt or how to reassure him, and now her head was throbbing with another new, unrecognizable emotion. She felt exhausted.
“I need to shower and go to bed, Drew. I have to work in the morning.”
He stood up, disappointed and scared that he was losing her.
“Will you stay, tonight?” she asked, looking up into his eyes. It was the best she could do.
***
Jess held the dog’s leash tightly with one hand as she stopped at the entrance of the woods. The orange spray-painted lines and tiny yellow flags prevented her from letting the dog run free and her heart raced as she read the newly erected sign announcing the planned residential construction. Her heart pounded as she took a picture of the billboard with the builder’s name and number and raced back to the house excitedly, a confused dog in tow. She couldn’t believe her luck! She could have her own place for her and the baby and still be close to Chris. She dialled the number, and by that afternoon she’d met with the builder and signed the papers. Even though she’d chosen the least expensive model, it was way out of her price range—but she knew Chris would lend her the money. The house would be ready in a few months, hopefully just before the baby arrived. She felt in control of her life again. When Drew arrived that night, she took him out back to show him.
“They’re building houses here? I thought this was a protected area.” Drew looked around before settling his gaze on the elated look on Jess’s face; he was happy for her and thrilled that this meant she was putting down roots and not taking off to California with Ryan. He even dared to allow himself to believe for a minute that he was included in this plan. “Actually, I know the builder,” he added, smiling, “I’ve worked with him before. We could meet with him and find out…”
“I already did. Today,” she beamed. Drew averted his eyes so she wouldn’t see his disappointment. “I picked out a plan and everything. He’s breaking ground next week, before the ground freezes, and I’m hoping it’ll be finished in time for the baby.” Jess tugged on Mo’s leash and headed down the trail. “Won’t it be perfect?” Drew watched her rub her belly as he followed. “Can you imagine a child growing up here? The builder said he’s going to preserve as much of the natural environment as possible; the city is only allowing him to build a few houses. It’s a great school district, too.”
Drew had never seen such joy and hope on her face in the entire time he’d known her. He knew she needed this, to have something secure, something of her own, to be able to feel as if she could look after herself and the baby. Still, he wished she had included him in this plan and that they were moving forward together. He held his tongue. He knew he couldn’t push her. She needed to get there on her own.
When they returned to the house, Chris was waiting for her with a frown and his arms crossed. He’d seen the signed papers on the kitchen table. “Well, that’s stupid. You already have a home. Why don’t you just stay here?”
“Because you’re not going to turn your gym into a baby’s room and cancel all of your parties, are you?” Jess retorted.
“I’ll just get a gym membership or something. I don’t need to have those parties and this house is plenty big.”
Drew pretended to busy himself with work by pulling out his laptop.
“Chris, this baby will put a damper on your life, you know that. Be
sides, I’ll be right out back. It’s so close!”
Chris wanted to help her raise this baby. He already knew that he would love it and play with it and make sure it was always safe. He would do the exact opposite of everything their foster parents did. He would be the best uncle there ever was.
“Okay, whatever,” he said instead.
Drew felt sorry for his friend as he watched his frown turn into worry. He wasn’t sure how Chris would cope without her. Chris grabbed a beer out of the fridge and went outside. Jess sat down beside Drew on the couch and looked at him expectantly; she waited for him to talk about the house, about Ryan, but he said nothing. It wasn’t like him not to tell her how he felt. He’d been unusually quiet since she showed him the lot and she wondered if he thought it was a good place for her and for their baby to grow up. She wondered if he was still upset about Ryan. She stroked his hair and waited.
When she touched him, he put his head on her chest in defeat. He thought about how right it felt to be with her. If only she felt that way too.
***
Drew was working late, so she decided to surprise him after her shift. She was feeling good; like her life was finally under her control again for the first time since she’d found out she was pregnant. Stripping out of her scrubs in the locker room, she showered, got dressed and exited the hospital; she walked the few blocks and boarded the crowded subway. The overwhelming odour filled her nostrils and she covered her mouth and nose, suppressing a gag as she reached for a strap to hold onto. She couldn’t believe how bad otherwise normal things smelled during her pregnancy. An old man with a baseball cap stood and motioned to his seat. Jess looked behind her before realizing that he meant it for her. She glanced down at her belly; it was obvious now on her small frame, even strangers could tell.
The seat was a welcome relief to her aching feet and back, and she realized this was the first time she’d sat down today, other than a quick bathroom break and to scarf down a muffin. There had been three emergency surgeries today; they’d had to scramble. It made her blood pump and her adrenalin soar, like the work she had done overseas. She enjoyed the chaos, the fast-paced teamwork; when she focussed her attention on the trauma patient on the table, her mind was calm, and she didn’t have to think about anything else. Her childhood, her life, her own feelings dissolved into nothing. She leaned back against the seat, closed her eyes, and wondered if she would ever be in a war zone again. This baby would ground her, and then there was Drew…. She wondered again how he felt about her soon-to-be new living arrangements. She needed this house to be her own; to be able to provide stability for this child by herself. She knew Chris was right, this child did need a father, but she wondered how she could let Drew in when she had no idea how to. At the rate she was going, this baby would be in college before she was able to give Drew what he wanted…and surely, he would give up on her before then.
***
There was no one at the main desk, so Jess walked past it and down the hall until she discovered the door with Drew’s name on it. It was ajar, so she cautiously pushed it the rest of the way open. He was alone in the large modern office, sitting at his desk, his eyes locked on his computer. She watched him for a minute, her heart skipping a beat at the sight of him. Those curls, the way his body looked when he sat back in his chair and rested his hand on his chin to consider what was on the screen. She remembered her hands on his hard body…she pushed the door open a little further. The shocked look on his face as she walked into his office reminded her of when she showed up at his apartment unannounced.
“Hey, you,” she said, “I thought you could take me out to celebrate my new house. I’m starving. Are you almost finished here?” Her eyes caught the ultrasound picture tacked to a bulletin board above his desk. He switched off the computer and stood, a big smile on his face.
“Just need a picture of the two of us now. This is a nice surprise.”
She looked away and blushed. He stood to greet her, and when he slipped his hand under her shirt to touch her bare back, she felt an unexpected rush of heat. She gently bit his lower lip and a groan escaped him. “You can’t do that to me here,” he whispered, “that’s not fair.” She smirked and tugged his hair, pulling him close to her so he kissed her harder. “I want you so much. How hungry are you? Let’s go back to my place.” He undid her bra and gently massaged her breasts.
She closed her eyes and arched her body to let him. Her skin tingled. She’d heard about the phase of heightened sexuality during this time, but she hadn’t really believed it until now. Her body ached with longing. “I’m starving, there’s no time.”
He dropped his hands to her lower back and kissed her gently, disappointed.
“You’ll have to take me right here on your desk.”
His eyes widened, and in the matter of a few seconds he had shut and locked his office door in case anyone returned and lifted her onto his desk, pushing a stack of files aside. She moved fast too; she was naked and had his shirt off in record time and was furiously undoing his pants.
“Touch me,” she moaned, guiding his hand to where she wanted it. He thought he might explode right then and there. She climaxed right away. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate, but she was warm and wet and demanding. She wrapped her legs around him and he quickly removed a condom from his wallet and slipped it on before he plunged inside her. He called out her name and held her tight; she told him to let go right away. He didn’t need to be asked twice—he was barely holding on as it was. He held her against him and buried his face in her chest as they climaxed one after the other.
She asked him to touch her again and he complied, watching her and thinking how beautiful she was as she came, again and again. Afterwards, she collapsed into his arms. He held her for a minute before helping her off his desk.
“I’m sorry,” she said as she gathered her clothes, “I’m not sure what came over me.”
“Trust me,” he grinned at her unintended pun, “there’s no need to apologize.”
She smirked as she put on her boots.
“You do know that you just fulfilled my ultimate fantasy, right?”
She blushed and reached for her coat from the floor. “Maybe we could take a picture of the two of us on your desk,” she teased.
He laughed. “Believe me, I don’t need a picture. That image is burned into my brain permanently. Let’s get you some food.”
“Yeah, of my big belly and fat ass,” she joked again. He felt the stirring in his pants as he pictured her naked. He held her against him and opened her mouth with his and moaned. “You are perfect, Jess. Beautiful.” She felt him grow hard against her again and smiled.
As he pulled away to open the door for her, he hoped that her new-found happiness wasn’t just about her new house. He prayed it was about him too.
Chapter 9
Chris held the nail in place and hit it precisely on the head three times with his hammer. He stood back and placed his hands on his hips to admire the perfection of his work; with his attention entirely focussed on the straight shingle, he didn’t hear his foster father approach.
“Chris? What the hell are you doing, man?”
Chris jumped back, startled, and stared into the weathered, cold face of the man he loathed. It never occurred to him that he’d be there, even though he’d had no idea what his schedule was now or if he was even working. Charlie’s work habits had always been sporadic; sometimes there would be months at a time between jobs. Chris felt nothing but disdain for this man, with his same worn jeans, his long dirty hair, tied back in his signature ponytail, and greying beard. Chris towered over him now, but inside, he still felt small and unworthy in his presence.
“I told you, you need to stay away from here. I don’t want to call the cops, but I will.”
Chris looked right through him, not really hearing what he’d said. His mind wandered back to the basement, to the fear and isolation, to the times when he’d begged for this man’s love.
“Chris! Are you listening to me?!” Charlie yelled.
“What? Yeah, Charlie. I heard you.”
Chris shoved his cold hands into his jean pockets, looked at the ground, and turned his back to him. “I fixed the shutter,” he mumbled as he walked away.
Charlie hunched his shoulders as he trudged through the mud and leaves of his front yard and returned to the house, but then he remembered something and turned. “Hey, Chris? Saw Jess on the subway the other day. She looks knocked up. Is she?”
Chris turned and glared at Charlie, his face crimson.
Charlie shrugged and continued to walk away. He laughed to himself when he thought about what little losers the two of them had been when they’d arrived, how scared and weak they were. It was clear why their parents hadn’t wanted them; they weren’t strong, not like he was when he was a child. He was surprised they’d turned out as well as they did—made something of themselves, even. Chris had made all that money on computers, and Jess had joined the army—all thanks to his influence. He’d toughened them up so they wouldn’t fail in the world. Matter of fact, he still felt Chris should’ve given him some of that money; he and June had taken him in when no one else wanted him. He remembered the look on Chris’s face when he had said so a few years back. He shook his head as he headed back inside the house. Chris might be a man now, but he was still an ungrateful brat.
***
Chris sat in his truck around the corner; he blew on his hands and waited for the heat. His heart bashed against his chest wall at the gall of that man for even mentioning Jess’s name. He didn’t like that Charlie and June knew about Jess’s baby, and he felt suddenly paranoid that they were plotting to take the baby away. He imagined all the ways they could harm her. Sweat dripped down his face now as the heat blasted from the vents. He reached over to turn it off, his hands shaking. His daydream was interrupted by the sight of the two current foster boys returning home from school and entering the house. He put the truck in drive. The tires squealed as he drove away.
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