“So am I, Jess,” he whispered as she lay her head on his chest. “That fight scared the shit out of me. We can’t let that happen again. Promise me. You are all I want. I need you to believe that.”
Jess did believe him, but she was petrified. She nodded mutely.
He held her tightly against him, relieved that they had dodged this bullet.
“I’m scared, Jess. Scared of losing you and our baby. I want a life with you. Promise me we can have something real here, like I know we can. You can trust me, I swear, I’m not a cheater. I’ve never cheated on anyone I’ve been with. I like being with one person in a committed relationship, that’s who I am. I know you don’t know me that well, but it’s true.” He kissed her softly, sweetly, and her heart pounded quickly in her chest. She didn’t know if it was fear or something else, but she understood enough to know that if the feelings she’d had when she thought he’d cheated, and the feelings she’d had when she learned that he didn’t, were true, she was going to have to keep up. She just didn’t have a clue how to do that.
***
The next morning, Jess walked Drew to the door and then turned to find Chris standing directly behind her. His face was red. She pushed past him to the kitchen to make tea. He followed her. “Do you think for one minute that I wouldn’t have told you that he went home with someone else?” His fists were clenched.
“You did do that Chris. That’s why I thought—”
He interrupted her and continued. “Do you think I would let him do that to you? I would have punched him out in the bar…I would have dragged his ass out of there so fast…”
Jess studied his enraged face and thought of the little boy who had protected her for all those years and how he was still doing it now.
“…I’ve always looked after you, Jess, and I always will…”
Jess reached out and pressed her hand into his. He flinched. They never touched unless it was the middle of the night and she crawled into bed with him after a nightmare. She realized that Chris was a safe place to practice caring about someone else.
“Do you remember when we were kids and we slept together on the mattress?”
Chris instinctively took a step back. He was shocked and afraid; he felt the shooting pain in his head. He wondered why she was touching him and bringing this up—they never talked about the past. He worried she was blaming him for something, and if she was, he didn’t know how he’d handle it. If she hated him, he knew he would die.
“Jess, we had to stop that…” he croaked as sweat beaded on his forehead. She had been so hurt and confused. He’d felt awful—but he was twelve and he’d started having sexual feelings…not towards her, but he didn’t think he could trust himself and he knew it wasn’t right.
“No, I know we did. I just meant that you’ve always looked after me. You still do. I know that. Thank you. I love you.”
She said it softly, surprised by the emotion in her voice. He took a breath and his heart continued to pound. And then he realized that she was saying all this because she was preparing to leave him—to start her new life in her new house with Drew and the baby. This was the life he wanted for her, but his heart ached liked never before. He nodded uncomfortably, and she let go of his sweaty hand. She wanted to hold him, to wrap her arms around that scared little boy who took on way too much way too young. They both had. Tears formed in her eyes but before she could hug him, he backed away further.
He went into his room and didn’t come out for the rest of the day. Jess wondered if what she’d done was the right thing. It felt awkward. She poured her tea and lay on her bed with her book to lose herself in someone else’s world. Her own was too complicated.
A few hours and a case of beer later, unable to calm down and hearing Jess go into her bathroom to shower, Chris grabbed his keys, went outside, and started his truck. His hands were shaking, and he felt anxious and out of control. The beer usually took the edge off, but not this time.
He knew she wouldn’t want him to go and that she’d be furious. His mind was spinning, but he couldn’t help himself, he needed to be there. It was the only thing that would help calm the restlessness. He started to cry, and as he tasted the salt from his tears, he felt ashamed. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and blinked hard. He parked on a different side street this time and walked towards the house.
Chapter 11
That night, asleep in her bed, Drew’s warm hand on her back caused her to stir, and she turned sleepily to face him. He’d been working late.
“Hey you,” he whispered. “I’m sorry to wake you, I just wanted you to know I was here. I’ll let you sleep.”
Jess sat up and faced him. He was so selfless and compassionate; she hoped their baby inherited those traits. She was relieved he was there, and she kissed him as he pulled her in close. Even in the dark room she could sense the tension and she knew that he was still worried about their earlier fight. He buried his face into her hair. “I’m scared that you’ll change your mind. I’m scared that you’re going to decide you don’t want me or that you can’t love me. I can’t lose you, Jess.” She held him tightly against her to reassure him and he burrowed his face into her chest. The last thing she wanted to do was make empty promises; she knew what that was like.
“I’ll try harder, okay?”
He pulled back to see her face in the dark, surprised.
“But I need you to help me, to tell me…I don’t know how, Drew. It doesn’t come naturally to me like it does for you.”
He nodded and kissed her forehead. She stroked his face. He hadn’t walked away, and now, neither could she. She was going to have to take a risk. The biggest risk of her life.
***
With Drew asleep beside her, Jess stared at the ceiling with a horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. It was after midnight and Chris wasn’t home. She knew he’d freaked out after she’d told him she loved him. She had asked him repeatedly not to go to the house they grew up in, she had begged him to stay away, to put the past behind him, but he wouldn’t listen. After what seemed like hours, she finally heard the front door and she knew by the way he entered that he was trying to be quiet. She slipped out of bed and pulled on her robe. She leaned against the doorframe in the dark hallway and crossed her arms.
Chris nearly jumped out of his skin as he came across her. “Jesus, Jess! What the hell?!” He smelled of sweat and dirt and alcohol; it confirmed what she suspected about where he’d been. Instead of sounding like a broken record and chastising him again, she asked if she could borrow money for the next installment of her new house. “Yeah, of course, whatever you need. You don’t have to pay it back, you know that.” She touched his arm and returned to her bedroom.
Chris grabbed a beer from the kitchen and chugged it on his way to the shower. He scrubbed his skin until it was red and raw; he felt filthy. Even though he’d watched the house longer tonight, doing so hadn’t eased the urge this time. He fell onto his bed and opened his laptop to check his bank accounts. He didn’t have the money Jess wanted; business had been dropping off steadily for months now. He rubbed his face hard with both hands until it hurt and the numbers blurred on the screen. He wished he could focus. He wrote Jess a cheque from his line of credit and put it on the kitchen counter. He grabbed another beer from the fridge.
***
In the morning, Drew entered the kitchen and saw the cheque on the table. Jess was already busy cooking breakfast. He hated that she wouldn’t let him help her with the house. If he sold his condo it would almost pay for it, and she wouldn’t have to worry about money. He knew it was old-fashioned, the way he thought, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to take care of her. Mostly, he wanted to live with her and the baby. His nose filled with the aroma of garlic. He wrapped his arms around her as she stood at the stove stirring the pan filled with eggs, spinach, and ham. He kissed her neck and said good morning. She reached behind to touch his hair and he kissed her cheek. His heart thumped with joy as his stomach grumbled and his skin tingled a
t her touch. “All I can think about is food lately, so all I want to do is cook.” She laughed. Drew poured himself a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter.
“You’re a terrific cook. Did someone teach you?” He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He silently cursed, but she didn’t miss a beat.
“Nope. Self-taught. It’s not that hard to follow a recipe and there’s a ton of cooking shows on TV.” She spooned the food onto two plates. His mind wandered to her childhood and he slipped his arms around her again. He thought of his own childhood and this new baby. He admired her strength and how resilient she was; how far she’d come on her own, but he also remembered how he’d held her after the nightmares. He wished he could do something to take it all away, to make up for it for good. He leaned over to kiss her, and she smiled. They ate their breakfast in silence.
After breakfast, Jess took the dog for a walk to check on her new house; she beamed excitedly at the progress. The builder had sent her a text to let her know that it would be ready in time; that he’d put a rush on it so that her house would be the first one finished. He had a soft spot for the shy, single, pregnant girl. Jess couldn’t believe how nice he was to her, and for no apparent reason, either. The floors were in and a crew was there installing the kitchen cupboards that she’d picked out. She smiled at them and they nodded in return. It was starting to feel real, and she had to keep reminding herself that she was going to have a home of her very own. She ran her hands along the new bathroom fixtures and pictured living there. She pictured sitting outside on the deck reading and watching her child run down the path to Chris’s house to play and swim. When she reached the spare bedroom, she envisioned Drew in there, working at a desk, and she inhaled sharply and took a step back, quickly pushing the thought away. Her heart beat fast as she walked home.
Drew sat in the living room and pulled out his laptop to catch up on some work; he had used it as an excuse, since he couldn’t bare to see the house just now and he hadn’t wanted Jess to see the dejected look on his face when she was obviously excited about it. He knew he wouldn’t be able to hold his tongue about the two of them living together, either. Just as he opened the client’s file, there was a knock on the door.
Ryan was disappointed, to say the least, when Drew opened the door. He’d hoped this guy wouldn’t last. He didn’t think he was Jess’s type, although he admitted to himself that he had no idea what Jess’s type was. He immediately regretted his plan to drop by unannounced; the fantasy of surprising Jess went out the window as he looked into Drew’s narrowed eyes.
“Hey man, how are you?” He held out his hand, “Ryan Matthews. We met…”
“I know who you are.”
Every muscle in Drew’s body tightened as he wondered how dare this idiot come knocking on the door like a ten-year-old boy with a crush—having no respect for the fact that he and Jess were having a baby together. His heart suddenly stopped as he realized that maybe Ryan hadn’t just shown up; maybe Jess was expecting him. Maybe they’d been communicating the entire time. He sized up this unwelcome man as reality set in: Ryan couldn’t get over her and he couldn’t blame him for that. Drew blocked the doorway.
“Jess isn’t here.” His icy tone was unmistakable.
“Look, I’m just in town for a conference and I thought I’d stop by to see her, that’s all. I had an unexpected break in the schedule. I didn’t plan it. We’re old friends. Is she at the hospital?”
Just then the sliding glass doors opened and in walked Jess and Mo. Ryan glanced at Drew.
“Ryan! Oh my God!” She dropped the leash and ran to him, noticing Drew’s hostile face just before she wrapped her arms around her friend and colleague. Drew averted his eyes to avoid the sight of their embrace, but it was too late; he saw how comfortable Jess was and how Ryan closed his eyes and inhaled her scent. He was relieved that she at least looked genuinely surprised to see him. He tried to shake it off; they had made so much progress in the last few months—the last few weeks especially—and he tried to reassure himself with that fact. He just wished this goof hadn’t shown up to cast doubt. Ryan’s presence brought on the paranoia once more that the baby wasn’t his…he quickly pushed the thought away. He couldn’t even go there in his mind. He trusted Jess when she told him that the baby was his; she’d had no reason to lie. She hadn’t even wanted him to know that she was pregnant in the first place. But then he had another horrifying thought: what if she didn’t know for sure who the father was? He felt the colour drain from his face. He loved this baby already, and her. He decided it wouldn’t even matter if…
“Drew?” Jess’s voice pulled him from his runaway thoughts. “Hello…?” She stroked his arm lovingly and he placed his hand over hers protectively. He must have looked as bad as he felt. “You remember Ryan, right? My friend from the forces. We worked together…”
“Yes of course.” He realized that he was being ridiculous now that Jess had spoken aloud; her calm tone made it sound as if an old friend had just stopped by for a visit. He laughed to himself about his craziness; he’d never acted this way before. Love and a baby on the way had changed him, too, he realized. He was protective. “I’ll put on some coffee,” he smiled and excused himself to the kitchen.
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.” Ryan met Drew’s eyes as he said it though he silently prayed that they owned a slow-dripping coffee maker.
Jess led Ryan into the living room and hugged him again. He looked at her ring finger: empty. Ryan thought it couldn’t be going all that well between them, either that or that Drew wasn’t a real man since he hadn’t proposed to the woman he got pregnant. What a chump; few women were as remarkable as Jess. He didn’t want her to be with someone who didn’t appreciate her, that much he knew for sure, and this knowledge increased his confidence.
Jess had always been comfortable with Ryan. It was one of those relationships where even if they only spoke or saw each other every few months, it was as if they’d talked every day. But as he pulled away to look at her and put both of his hands on her belly, she suddenly felt uncomfortable; his touch felt far too intimate. She’d made sure to keep her distance at work and at the grocery store—she hated when strangers or people she barely knew felt as if they had the right to touch her—but she didn’t understand why she felt this way about Ryan. She glanced towards the kitchen and realized the reason. It felt awkward because she reserved this privilege for Drew only; she knew Drew wouldn’t like Ryan’s hands on her and she worried what he thought about Ryan being here again. Her feelings were vastly different towards Drew now compared to how she’d felt when Ryan had first visited a few months ago. She pulled away and sat in a chair so that Ryan had no choice but to sit opposite her.
“I can’t believe it,” he said, motioning to her stomach.
“I know, I’m huge.”
“You’re not, Jess, you’re beautiful. It suits you. Are you feeling okay? The baby?” He thought about how he could love this child; it was a part of her. And they could have more of their own. She would work with him at his father’s practice; he had it all planned out.
“What did you say you’re doing here? A conference?” She tried to remember any such event going on in Toronto right now, as the posters were usually in the hospital.
He grinned sheepishly. “Yes, the…uh…Medical Doctors of North America.”
Jess raised her eyebrows at him.
He sat forward and turned serious, taking a cautious glance towards the kitchen; he didn’t have much time. “Jess, the truth is, I was hoping to find you here alone. I was hoping it didn’t work out with that guy…”
“Drew,” Jess said, looking away, and realizing that this wasn’t just a friendly visit.
“Yes, Drew. Anyway…”
“Ryan, I’m having a baby with that guy. You know that.” She said it as if it was that simple.
“I know, I just…thought maybe you had a change of heart,” he stood up and paced the room, “I mean, how long have you eve
n known him?” He whispered and knelt in front of her, taking her hands. She’d revealed a little of how she grew up and he knew trust was an issue for her. “The truth is I can’t stop thinking about you, and I’ve tried to move on but…”
Jess hung her head. “Oh no, Ryan.”
“…Jess, I don’t even care that this baby isn’t mine.”
Jess froze as the reality of what he was implying began to sink in.
“I was hoping to come here and find that it wasn’t working out with him. I mean, you can’t blame me—a couple of one-night stands doesn’t guarantee anything, and the fact that you’re still living here with your brother and with no engagement ring…I mean, what kind of man doesn’t step up and—”
Jess closed her eyes and held her breath as Drew re-entered the room holding a mug of coffee for Ryan. Drew’s face turned red as he heard the last part. Jess opened her eyes and stared at Ryan; she shook her head no and mouthed that she was sorry. Ryan looked at the floor and she glanced at Drew and felt anxious and worried. The tension in the room was palpable and Jess wished she was anywhere else but there. She forced herself to act like an adult and not to flee to her bedroom and lock the door as she wished she could.
Drew clutched the mug with the scalding liquid in it. It took everything in him not to throw it at Ryan, who was still kneeling in front of the woman he loved and his unborn child.
Ryan stood slowly. “You know what, I’m not going to have time for that coffee after all. I should get going,” he looked at his watch. The pained look on his face made Jess feel awful. “It was good to see you, Jess. I’m glad you’re doing well. I’ll call you, okay?”
Jess looked up at him awkwardly from her chair. Their eyes met, and he bent down to kiss her on the cheek.
Drew followed him to the door and opened it wide. Inside he was seething. “Make sure you take care of—” But Drew didn’t let him finish. He’d tried to be the bigger man, but he’d had enough. Ryan asking him to look after Jess was the last straw. He leaned in until his face was inches away from his and whispered, “Listen, Ryan. I’ve tolerated two of these visits now. A third one isn’t going to go well for you.”
Mine Page 14