Bye I said and walked out. It would be nice to go for a walk.
John was outside waiting. He had brought the jeep. I hung back. It irritated me that he stood there even though I had told him I wanted to walk.
He rolled the window down and screwed up his eyes against the low afternoon sun. I changed the battery so it’s up and running again.
Did you I said. That’s good. Bror will be pleased because it’s his car. If you can be bothered why don’t you drive it home for me.
Come off it jana he said. I know everything went wrong last night but it won’t happen again. Truly I promise.
If we drive past the saw I said despite knowing I should have said no. I’ve promised katarina a photo of our carvings.
The snow had melted during the day. Here and there patches of bare ground were showing. It slushed under our shoes as we followed my footsteps towards the birch. John stopped and looked around.
This is a great place. Tore was in my class. When was that I asked.
Nineteenhundredandseventyfive.
TWELVE
My plan was daft. We were on the move towards the house now. Me and bror and magnus katarina johan tony daniel and andreas. The door was locked and the curtains pulled across the windows. We circled it to see if they had left an airing window open or if there was a forgotten entrance to the cellar but the whole place was well locked up. No one had lived here that we could remember. It had probably stood empty for a long time.
Abandoned houses in our village and in the villages for miles around were commonplace even back in those days. We had got inside most of them. Some were wrecks with leaking roofs and caved-in floors. We tiptoed along the floor beams. Exhilarated by the possibility of treasure of finding something forgotten in the piles of rubble. Small things were still special. A dried child’s shoe or a rusty spice container. We collected our finds in the bakehouse at johan’s and made careful entries into a jotter with a plastic back.
The house by the sawmill was not in bad shape but definitely abandoned. Drawn curtains. No signs of life anywhere. At some point I had asked father who had lived in the house. Some tinker family he told me and got on with whatever he was doing.
Let’s break in I said after a few rounds when none of us had found any way in. It can’t be that hard. Just a small hole in a window so we can reach inside. Then we can nail something up to keep the rain out.
The others exchanged glances. We were curious but a break-in would be going further than we ever had before.
In the end tony said we could pick the lock. He had a piece of steel baling wire in his pocket. We clustered behind him and cheered him on. The lock clicked open.
The stale air was like a wall. Mould and dust whirled in the draught from the door. Flies and butterflies were bouncing against the window panes. Spidernets hung from the ceilings.
We crowded into the hallway.
On the kitchen table a cereal box and a jug of soured milk all dried up. Also coffee cups pudding plates pack of flatbread and an open container with oboy drinking choc.
It’s like the nordic museum said katarina who was savvier about things like museums than the rest of us. Her dad was in management at mo&domsjö. No simple working stiff or small-holder like father.
We wandered round in the house. Opened cupboards. Snooped in wardrobes breathless with excitement and dread. Behind the kitchen a sitting room and then the bestroom. Just as things were in most smalångerhouses. Furniture stood in places where furniture always stood. They even had a telly set.
The stairs to the first floor were wide and worn. We went up the creaking steps together. A pair of plainly furnished bedrooms wall to wall one looked like a child’s room the other the room where the parents slept. No one had had time to make the beds.
So effing weird johan whispered. As if they had just been in the house and decided to go on a trip. Shouldn’t we leave soon katarina whispered back. What if they suddenly turn up.
Don’t be a coward I said and opened the door to the last room on the first floor. Unlike the other two its door was properly shut. When katarina was scared I was brave and the other way round in perfect harmony.
It was a weaving room.
The loom stood in the middle of the floor. A rag rug sat in the warp. A ball of thin strips cut from old jeans had rolled out of its basket.
We followed its course with our eyes. The ball had stopped against a body on the floor. A skeleton with ribs askew pointing at the ceiling. Katarina ran first or maybe I did. We got out on the veranda in what seemed a few steps. Someone slammed the door behind us and then we ran all the way to the afta hill then up it until we were furthest out on the steepest part. It was steaming with the scent of wild rosemary heather and bog myrtle. The midges were biting in huge swarms.
So fucking awful tony said again. Poor dog. I think it was a dog. A frightened thirsty hungry dog that had been playing with a ball of clothstrips until it realised nobody would come for it.
THIRTEEN
John stomped through the snow to the rickety veranda. I followed in his fitstaps. He swept the snow from the seat and sat down.
I’ve been in here once I said. One summer. We found the skeleton of a dog and the beds weren’t made. Maybe you know what happened to the family who lived here.
Didn’t you know he said sounding surprised. They were called holmström. Two kids. They actually came from holmsund but settled here because the man had got a job at mo&do. They rented this place. The site was split off from johansson’s land. Their youngest was born here.
Then what I asked. Why did they leave without even clearing away the breakfast things.
Didn’t you know he said again. They drove through the village and collided with the milklorry. Only the little girl survived. It was several weeks before they got hold of her mother’s sister who was their only relative. She got a few bits and pieces but most of the furniture was johansson’s. I never saw any dog round there.
I should have heard about them. A whole family dead. The kind of thing people talked about for generations. Like the fire in john’s hayloft. I should have heard about that too.
They kept themselves to themselves john said. Maybe that’s why they were so quickly forgotten.
Not all of them I said somehow certain I had guessed right. The girl who survived was maria. Wasn’t she. Yes he said and put in a wad of snuff.
I wanted to hear more about maria but my mind was buzzing like a fly in a spider’s net. What happened to maria when the others died. Did she stay in the village.
No he said. Her aunt took care of her. More than twenty years later she returned and moved into the same house.
And met you.
And met me. We lived here until she wanted a divorce. Then I moved home again.
But it wasn’t you who killed her. No I didn’t he said. Everything points to her having taken her own life.
In the car on the way back my thigh was warmed by his hand resting on my knee.
Will you stay he asked without looking at me. I said I had things to do.
FOURTEEN
The passing days made my old life feel increasingly distant. I had gone to lule for a quick visit. Packed the most essential things and asked oxfam to take the rest.
I would never return anyway. I’m not the kind of person who stays on. I slip away as soon as something begins to stick.
One morning the snow had disappeared apart from the drifts on the shady side. It was early but still the thermometer showed fourteen degrees. Bror and I took our cups of coffee outside to sit on the veranda.
I maybe will stay on here for a bit if it’s ok with you I said.
Kippofarm is yours just as much he said and flicked a fagend away.
I hadn’t asked him about maria even though I wanted to know. It wasn’t because she was our sister. An unknown dead sister had no function. But wherever I was so was maria. When I was with john. Visiting the oldies in their homes. In bror’s imagination. I couldn’t stop mys
elf from comparing her and me. My personality was the opposite of hers. It seldom left an imprint.
Maria was special he said. Kind and caring but if you turned the other cheek her way the slap came that instant. It was as if she enjoyed cheating people.
Sounds like our parents I said.
Sounds like father in any case bror said sticking up for mother as he always did.
I didn’t buy into that. Mother took her beatings silently. Mother poured fresh brandy and sodas. Mother cooked even nicer food. Mother watched as father hit bror. She allowed it. Prayed to her almighty allhearing allseeing god for help and guidance. Walked to the chapel and prayed some more. Took holy communion. Sang in the church choir. Collected money for children in africa. Helped infirm neighbours out with house cleaning. Adultchristened herself in the churchofjesuschristoflatterdaysaints and embroidered one small tablecloth after another in the same patterns and often with thread in the same colours.
At least she didn’t know about the milking parlour bror said.
How do you know I said. You must admit it was weak of her not to protect her children. She could have divorced swallowed the shame and moved on.
So she could bror said. Though no one else ever got anywhere with father.
The argument stopped at a dead end as usual.
Tell me more about maria I said instead. How did you get to know her.
He sat down on the top step and lit another cigarette.
It’s hard to remember he began. I think she came here to sell fish. So john must have been fishing. Emelie hadn’t come back from work. I had been working the night shift and had just woken up.
She was standing there looking like an amazon in wellies with her sleeves rolled up. Showed off her boxful of fish and smiled. She had our teeth but showed them more often than we do. I bought a whole salmon. But when I wanted to pay she said it was free for me. A gift because I had such beautiful eyes. Like an autumn day by the sea she said.
I had to make an effort not to laugh out loud. An autumn day by the sea. More like a high pollen count day in may. We had the same kind of eyes bror and I. Pale grey because they lacked pigment. With reddish rims that would get sore and leak tears and pus.
Next time we met was up the hill behind allanberg’s. I was picking blueberries and suddenly there she was carrying a berrybasket.
She must have seen you go there I told him. Well maybe she did bror said.
She said that she would help me pick. I used a berrypicker but she could pick like a machine. I don’t know he went on dreamily but she was a special kind of person you wanted her to look after you. She came across as someone who could deal with everything. A bit like you. And emelie was of course just the opposite.
Is I objected. She’s still alive presumably.
Allright then emelie is the opposite. Helpless and critical at the same time. When you’re with her you always feel you don’t measure up somehow.
Then what. You got out of the berryforest.
Yes he said. But it started raining and we went to shelter in the johansson’s sheepshed down by the grazing meadows. We were cold. She held me. Her body was warm and reassuring and I. So yes you know. Like the small shrimp I am and always hungry for tenderness I couldn’t resist her. We took our clothes off. Made a mattress of our clothes with her overshirt on top. One thing led to another. The only strange thing was the way she smelled. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t a sweet scent. More like something foostie.
Stands to reason I told him. I read once about this smell test given to young women. They were given clothes to sniff and then say which smell they preferred. They all went for smells belonging to the person most genetically different from themselves. If maria was our sister it follows you’d think she smelled badly.
Come off it he said. You don’t have to remind me. It was incest for christ’s sake.
Welcome to the kippofamily I said.
A car turned into our drive. I was dazzled by the sun and couldn’t see who it was until she opened the car door. Angelika one of my new colleagues. Her body squeezed itself out and then waddled towards us as fast as it could waving its hands as if agitated and saying something we couldn’t pick up at first.
Then she got closer and repeated what she had been saying.
It’s about katarina. She’s asking for you. I tried to call. She wants you to come.
Has anything special happened I asked when we had climbed into the car together and were on our way to stina on the hill. It was the name of katarina’s house for all time regardless of who actually lived in it.
She’s delirious angelika said. We think she has got worse. Maybe the time has come. We phoned her husband but he doesn’t answer.
Do you know her husband I said to have something to say.
Not so much she replied. I’m probably not his type. Some of the others know him though.
We didn’t speak again until we stopped at the house. It wasn’t an awkward silence. But dense. Angelika didn’t come with me. Asked if it was allright if she got on her way. Fussed with her list. An individual’s death throes didn’t fit into the schedule.
I hurried along to the house and stepped inside without taking my shoes off.
Katarina I said. What’s up. No answer. I felt for her pulse the way the nurse had shown me. Her heart was beating.
I made a cup of coffee and went to sit by her bed. Angelika had just changed her nappy. I probed it just in case. It was already wet. I took it off and washed her. Turned her over on her back. She slept. Her breathing was more laboured than usual. She was having a bad day.
The hours went by. The nurse came and left again after upping the dose of morphine. Lifted the blanket to check katarina’s feet. Thin blue lines were flaring up towards her ankles. I had forgotten how small her feet were. Remembered her differently because everything on katarina’s body was bigger than on mine. Her breasts and bottom in particular. Show us your tits they were calling outside the girls’ changing room and it wasn’t me they wanted to see. My bosoms were tiny bulges. Like knots on a plank as mother used to say.
Ring me if her feet get bluer than that said the nurse who was either carina or possibly monika. Caronika.
The afternoon passed and became evening. I made a cup of tea and found butter and a couple of slices of ryvita to eat. Every hour I turned her. Every second hour I checked her feet without actually knowing why.
I might have fallen asleep when I felt a hand touching mine. Jana wake up. Hey stop sleeping now I’m awake. She had managed to turn on her side by herself.
Did you just come she said. I asked her to fetch you. The one with the tattoos. That carpediem person.
Angelika I said. Yes I think that’s her name katarina said. Just imagine that the last words you read before you die are carpe diem.
We even laughed. Then we fell silent while waiting for strength.
Is it time now I asked.
She nodded.
How can you be sure.
You just know. I can see things now that I couldn’t before. Like my son the way he was just before he died. But maybe you didn’t know I had a child. He had leukaemia. Died the day he was six.
I didn’t know I said. Who was his dad. Who do you think she said and her eyes closed for a moment. I tried to work it out but my thoughts got muddled.
When you disappeared I began as soon as her gaze returned to nearvision.
So I went off to have a baby she said. Just like you. They had the same father I shouldn’t wonder. She was plucking at the sheet. It was striped in red and black.
I was about to say something but she interrupted me. Now I can see my dad she said.
What happened to him.
He shot himself during the elk season. They all said it was a hunting accident but I can see him now. He put the muzzle in his mouth and pressed the trigger.
Do you know why he did it I asked.
Same reason as the others.
What others I asked but she had dropped off
to sleep again. I changed her nappy and checked her feet. The flares were creeping halfway up her calves by now.
I should have alerted caronika but katarina would probably want to sleep for a while now. I got up and tried to bring my dormant muscles back to life. We were in the kitchen. For practical reasons the bed had been moved here from the bedroom. It may have been to make room for the chairlift that no one used or because the bedroom was on the first floor. People who look like angelika find stairs problematic.
I switched on a standard lamp in the sitting room that was actually a bestroom but it felt like bad form to say things like bestroom when you were with katarina. She was ahead of all of us. At times even years ahead. She always was. The doorway to the sitting room was a kind of arched portal like the entrance to an italian palace or possibly a pizzeria. No pullout beds or folding tables here. The sofas were covered in black leather and so were the armchairs and they were all grouped around a table made from a thick sheet of glass.
Pictures in wide gilt frames decorated the walls. Horses galloping along a beach. Frontlit beautiful women smoking. A glittering bridge in a foreign country. And then. There.
Like a protruding limb.
An alarm light blinking red. A pair of yellow rubber boots on a chest. A shadow falling on a splatter painted timber wall.
Now I heard her. Mumbling something and calling out. I switched the lamp off and hurried back to the kitchen. She was talking deliriously. Hands plucking at the blanket. Body casting about her head hitting the pull-up grid that prevented her from falling out of bed.
Easy now I said and steadied her with my hand on her shoulders. They were as thin and frail as an infant’s.
I opened a window. Birdsong and spring air flowed in. Slowly, I caressed her forehead. At last her body relaxed and her face calmed.
Her hand sought mine.
Bye then jana she said with surprising clarity. There are a few letters you must read. They are in.
The grip on my hand grew weaker. In the end it was I alone who held us together.
My Brother Page 6