But this was probably all a waste of time. Damo wanted us to audition for him, of all the insulting ideas, and who even knew if we'd be good enough for him. We'd have the expense and the trouble of flying Fay out here with no guarantee it wouldn't all be over at the end of the week.
I hated the part of me that wanted those extra four days with Damo. Four days of not talking and maybe not even seeing him, but four days in the same city and the same hotel. I really was a desperate loser.
"Fine, then. Call Fay."
Jax grinned and clapped his hands. "You call her. She's your cousin."
"Hell, Jax, do I have to do everything?"
"Hey, you're the one who punched Miles."
"Are you saying this is all my fault?"
"I'm saying you got the fun bit, so you can do some of the shit work. Did it feel good? I bet it did. God, I wish I'd gotten a punch in myself before he left the tour."
"He's left already?"
"Yep. Damo told him to pack his bags and get out of here. He's on the plane right now."
I guessed that was something. I didn't have to worry about running into him in the hallway or any of that other stuff.
I peeled myself off the bed. I'd do this. I'd go to Damo's room.
I got to the door, then turned back. This might be all business but I could fix my hair and makeup first.
Damo
THIS TIME WHEN I HEARD the knock, I knew it was Polly. Why the hell was my pulse racing so hard? She meant nothing to me.
I wanted to rush to the door, but I made myself take it slowly. I had to be calm about this. We weren't a couple, not even an estranged couple. A few days, that was all it'd been, so why did I feel like I now had a huge hole in my life? I had to get over this thing and get over it fast.
She stepped into the room without even looking at me. She looked like she was walking to her own execution. Hell, was it that hard for her to apologize to me? I wasn't asking that much.
She stood just inside the doorway, her arms folded over her chest.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to embarrass you onstage."
I nodded. I wasn't sure if she saw that, though. She stared at the carpet as though those green swirls were the answer to all life's problems. I wanted her to look up. If she looked at me, if she gave me one sign, I'd tell her it was all okay. Just one tiny sign. But she didn't look up.
"Jax said you wanted me to ask you for another chance. If we can get my cousin out here to fill in for Miles, I'd really appreciate it if you let us stay on the tour."
So formal. There was nothing there. Nothing at all. Just this stiff formality. I couldn't do a damn thing. Everything about her was calling to me, despite her stiffness. Her soft skin, her silky hair, even the way she'd folded her arms.
"If you can do that, I'll listen to you play. If I think she's good enough, you can stay on the tour. You can pay for her flight out here. If she works out, we'll reimburse you. If not, then we'll pay for you and Jax to fly home."
I sounded like a cold bastard even to myself, but I wasn't sure how else I could play this. I'd thought everything was good between us, but that fragile thing had shattered so easily. I couldn't even meet her halfway. I wasn't prepared to make a fool of myself just to have her reject me. She was the one who'd screwed things up. She should be making the first step. But she obviously didn't want to do that.
"That works for me," she said.
With that, she moved to the door, then she hesitated for a moment. I wanted her to turn, to look at me. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted after that, but there had to be something. She was being all business, and that was what I wanted, surely. All along, I'd wanted her to act more professionally. I'd gotten my wish, and now it hurt like hell.
She inhaled, then turned the doorknob. Without even a goodbye, she left.
After she'd gone, this suite seemed way too big for me. What the hell was I meant to do? I was too worked up to sleep. I couldn't work. I wanted to race after her and make this right, but if she had no feelings for me, there was nothing to make right.
It made me wish I was Elijah. He'd punch a hole in the wall, or go out and get into a fight. That kind of primal release. It must feel good.
I thought about punching that wall, but instead, I sighed and headed to the sofa. Maybe I could lose myself in some crappy movie. I wasn't the punching walls type. I wasn't usually the wallowing type, either, but it seemed that wallowing was all I had left. It seemed a bit piss-weak, but I couldn't make a poor wall suffer for my pain.
Before I could turn on the TV, Elijah came into my room.
"Crow and I are going for a drink, and you're going with us. No arguments. Just get your ass out to the van."
I raised my eyebrows, preparing to argue with him. But then, why? Maybe going out drinking with the boys would be a lot better than sulking in my room. I had a lot of sorrows to drown.
I grabbed my jacket and followed him.
Polly
I WAS GOING TO WAIT until morning to call Fay, then I realized that with the time difference, it wasn't so late there. Better to call her straightaway. The sooner she got here, the sooner we could get this thing started.
"Hey, kiddo," I said. "How do you feel about flying to Berlin to take over from Miles as front man?"
I had to hold the phone away from my ear so her screams wouldn't deafen me. God, she had a set of lungs on her. I was pretty sure I could've heard her without the phone.
"That's a yes, I take it."
"Yes, yes, a million times yes! Oh, man, this is--words not good. Oh, what do I pack? When do I leave?"
I laughed. Even though I felt as miserable as hell, Fay's excitement was contagious. If she got to tour with us, it'd be one bright spot in the misery. She'd keep my spirits up and give me a buffer zone. She could really be a lot of fun if you were in the mood.
I told her about the audition thing.
"No worries," she said. "I'll knock his jocks off."
"It's socks, not jocks."
"Why would you want to knock socks off someone?" she said, giggling.
"Do you have a passport?" I asked her.
It'd be a huge setback if she didn't. How long did it take to get a passport? Weeks? Hell.
"Der, yeah. I went to the Bahamas last winter, remember?"
Now that she'd mentioned it, I had a vague memory of her talking about it. A lot of the time, when Fay talked, it ended up a huge blur. She would talk as if she were underwater with a mouthful of marbles. Thinking of that gave me another concern. How would The Freaks guys cope with such a bundle of energy on tour with them? As sweet as Fay was, it could be like having an untrained kitten around.
"Okay, I'll get you booked on a flight. You need to get here asap. Miles has left the band."
"Because you punched him?"
"Yeah, partly. Hey, how do you know about that?"
My heart sank. These things got out so fast.
"The Internet."
"Shiiiiiit. Not already."
"The peeps love that shit, Polly. You know it. Don't worry--any publicity is good publicity. Are you really dating Damo? I guess not, or you wouldn't have punched Miles. Hey, I have to go. I need to pack, and I need to Instagram myself packing. This is an historical moment that needs to be recorded."
"Cool. I'll send you through the flight details. And, Fay--"
"Yeah?"
"Maybe you could cool the enthusiasm when you're around the guys here. Not too much, but maybe take the edge off a little."
I didn't want to repress Fay's natural bubbliness, but she could be a bit over the top, especially when she got excited. I didn't want her annoying anyone or being too perky. Mostly, I didn't want to give Damo any more reasons to criticize me.
"Sure. Okay, got to go."
After I'd hung up, I checked flights. Then I called her back.
"There's a flight, but you'd need to be at the airport in an hour. Can you do that?"
"Shit, Polly, with driving time, I'll have
to leave, like, now. I can do it. I can definitely do it. MOM! Can you drive me to the airport, like, now?"
I rubbed my ear. That yelling.
"Don't worry about packing too much," I told you. "We can buy you stuff here, or you can borrow mine. Just make that flight."
"Yep, sure. Wow, Polly, see you in a few hours."
With everything organized, I went to Jax's room.
"She'll be here in the morning," I told him. "Are you sure this is a good idea? I'm exhausted just from being on the phone with her. I'd forgotten how on she always is."
"Yeah, not everyone can be as chill as you." He laughed. "It'll be fine. What would you rather? Fay's energy or Miles' negativity?"
"Point. Let's go out and get drunk. I need something after all this shit."
Jax sat up and grinned. He was always up for a drinking session, even if it meant dealing with my misery.
"You know Fay will be much harder to deal with if you have a hangover."
"Yeah, don't care. Tomorrow can look after itself. Anyway, a good case of jet lag might calm her down."
Damo
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE drowning my sorrows, but it looked like they'd followed me here. We'd just settled into the bar when I saw her. Even though it was one of those dark, womb-like bars, you couldn't help but notice her. She sat on the other side of the room with Jax, the two of them laughing over something. In the darkness of the room, she glowed like a candle, the vibrancy of her not suppressed but enhanced by the gloom.
She looked way too happy. Every tinkle of her laughter was a punch to my chest. Sure, she could be happy. Nothing that had happened meant one little thing to her. She'd moved on already. But I couldn't. Since I'd met her, there'd been a seismic shift inside me. I didn't know what that meant, and I didn't know exactly what it was; I just knew that the way the bits of me had always fit together no longer worked.
"Let's go somewhere else," I said.
"Nah," Elijah said. "I've been here a few times. It's a cool place."
Crow just sat in the corner, sipping his beer. He looked like he had no fucks to give either way.
"I said I wanted to go somewhere else," I said. "There are hundreds of bars in this city. Why do we need to drink at this one?"
Elijah turned in his seat and followed my gaze.
"Aha, I see your problem. But, really, Damo, if she's staying on the tour, you have to get used to being around her. You can't spend the entire European tour avoiding her. That'd be straight-up redonk. Just deal. Hell, if I avoided every chick I've ever slept with, I'd be a hermit."
He had a point. A stupid point, but a point nonetheless. I couldn't avoid her, but I didn't want to look like I was stalking her, either. I had my pride. Maybe I should just go chat up some chick at the bar, show her that I'd moved on too. It wasn't like I couldn't find someone else, even if the thought of being with anyone else filled me with an infinite misery.
"Don't look now, but she's spotted you," Crow said.
Now I'd be consciously trying not to look. It'd been bad enough before, my gaze being drawn to her no matter what I did. It wasn't like there was much else to look at in this bar.
"Swap seats with me," I said to Elijah.
From where he was sitting, he couldn't see Polly without purposely turning. It'd be much easier for me sitting there.
He sighed but got up.
"We should just invite them to join us," Elijah said. "It'd be a lot more mature than this seat-swapping."
"No!" That was the last thing I wanted.
Elijah and Crow swapped glances, both smirking. That just made me angrier.
"I don't think the two of you are taking this seriously enough. She's screwed things up. There's shit all over the Internet about it."
Elijah patted my arm. Condescendingly.
"It's okay, Damo. It'll blow over in a few days. I think this goes much deeper. It's not the publicity shitting you, it's because you like her. For fuck's sake, man, just go over and tell her. No, don't even tell her. Pull her into your arms and kiss the words into her. You only get one shot at this life, and you're going to end up a lonely old man curled up with your guitar at night. That's not what you really want."
"Just shut up, okay?"
Elijah shut up, but then the three of us sat in silence. He could say shit like that because no woman ever meant a thing to him for longer than it took him to blow.
Techno music played a little too loud in the background, and a hum of German voices surrounded us, all unintelligible to my ears. Did people find all that noise enjoyable?
I ached to turn, but I wouldn't give in to that temptation. No matter what, I wouldn't turn around. I wouldn't acknowledge that she was here.
"Who's she getting in to replace Miles?" Crow asked. "I hope he's not another tosser."
"Dunno. She didn't say. Her cousin, that's all I know."
"Do you think he'll cut it?" he asked.
"I don't know. I know nothing about the replacement or the band or anything else. All I know is that she has someone flying in."
I might've snapped, but I didn't want to discuss it.
"They can't be great, or they'd have replaced that shithead already, especially if there was some talented cousin just sitting around twirling their thumbs. I don't think--"
I drained my beer and slammed my glass down on the table.
"They're going to audition. If the replacement is good enough, they stay. Otherwise, they go."
"Whoa, man. That's a bit... umm... insulting, really," Elijah said. You're making them audition? Surely, if they think the replacement is good enough, that's all you need to know."
"Not really. I need to know the new person is a good fit for the tour, too. I'm not taking chances."
Crow nodded, but Elijah leaned forward.
"Do we get to sit in on the audition too? I mean, we're on the tour as well. We should have a say."
What he really meant was, he didn't trust my judgment. He thought I'd be extra harsh, but I could remain impartial.
"If you want to. It'll be during sound check, so stick around if you like. I don't care either way. But the slightest sign of tension, and the whole deal is off. I've had enough of this shit."
Crow stood up and nodded to my empty glass. I shook my head. The few drinks we'd had already hit my system. If I drank much more, I'd do something stupid, like take Elijah's fool advice.
"Water?" Crow asked.
"Yeah, that'll be fine."
"What if you just open up about it?" Elijah said.
"More stupid advice?"
"Not at all. Tell the press you're a couple. No one's going to give a fuck after a few days. Why the hell would it even be news? Nowadays, there's so much shit going on in the world, a man having a stable relationship with a chick, that's not even newsworthy. It's not like you've been found doing some non-consensual shit. You haven't been harassing her or any of that shit."
I sneered at his stupidity.
"Fastest way for this to blow over?"
"Yeah, except I don't have a stable relationship with her. It was a fling. A stupid fling. I knew better, but I got a little carried away. In a day or two, she'll be completely out of my system."
Crow arrived back with the drinks. Elijah took his glass and raised it, looking me in the eye.
"Keep telling yourself that, buddy. 'It was just a fling, it didn't mean anything.' If that's what it takes to get you through, just keep telling that to yourself."
Polly
DAMO WALKED INTO THE bar. In a city with thousands of bars, why this one? Had he been following me? Suddenly, my beer tasted sour, and it sat heavy in my stomach.
"Why did you pick this bar?" I asked Jax.
"I came here with the guys the other night. It seemed like a chill place."
Okay, maybe Damo was here for the same reason, but it made me so uncomfortable. I twitched in my seat and tugged at my clothes. I'd wanted to pour out all my misery, not think about how I looked. Having Damo at the same bar put
me on edge.
"Let's leave," I said.
"Don't let him chase you out. You have as much right to be here as he does."
"Yeah, but I can't relax with him here." I sighed. "For a moment, there, I thought he really liked me, but it was just stupid. He obviously doesn't, or he'd have never reacted like that. The guy has a heart of ice."
My mind kept going over all the things that contradicted that. The way he'd held my hand, the way he'd smiled at me. We'd done laundry together. He'd been so sweet. And that'd all been destroyed in an instant. I'd done something stupid, sure, but he could've forgiven me. My heart ached, and so did my hand. I hadn't held back when I punched Miles.
I sucked down my beer.
I'd destroyed everything. I hated to admit that, but I couldn't lie to myself. I'd let my temper take control. Damo would never be a man who'd handle that. He'd never want to be with a woman like that. Ever. We'd had a thing, and it'd burned bright, but even without the Miles incident, it'd never have lasted.
I finished my beer and headed to the bar for another round. If Jax wouldn't leave, I needed more beer to deal with being here. I couldn't be that person who didn't act on my feelings, but punching Miles had been a stupid impulse. I needed to get my shit sorted out. Not because of Damo, but because of me.
"It wasn't such a bad thing to do, was it?" I asked Jax when I sat back down. "I mean, it was bad, but not that bad. Not 'never speak to you again' bad."
Jax shook his head. "It wasn't a terrible thing to do. I'd have done it myself, a hundred times. But Damo isn't like other people. He's so super-private and self-contained. He'd have already been bruised from Miles' outburst. You just added the icing to the cake."
"Except cake is usually delicious."
I stared into my beer. I'd fucked up. I had to face it. My entire life was a mess, and that mess had hurt Damo.
"I should leave the tour," I said. "It's the best thing for everyone."
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 49