I searched for her, then heard clapping. She and Fay sat over to the side.
"Bring it on, Lij!" Fay called. Then she put two fingers in her mouth and whistled.
I gulped. This was it. I turned to Damo, and he got ready.
We started playing. I couldn't look at Rose, not while I sang. Instead, I focused on the sound desk. Damo played well. My singing wasn't too bad, either, even if I did have to keep referring to those damn notes. I got to the bit about her perfume lingering on my pillow. I hadn't thought about how cringeworthy it'd be to actually sing that line with her listening. It made me sound like a bit of a soft cock. I'd wanted to express my feelings, but I should've thought about what would come across in those lines.
I couldn't exactly stop and explain. I just kept singing, my voice getting stronger as I hit the chorus, and Damo harmonized with me. Wow, this really was a great song. Something I could be proud of.
Finally, I got to the end. I ran my fingers through my hair. I'd done it. I'd written a song, and I'd sung it.
I looked for Rose. I needed to see her reaction. It'd all be for nothing if I hadn't hit the target.
She wasn't with Fay any longer. I couldn't see her anywhere. Shit. This stirring in my guts wouldn't settle until I got some kind of feedback from her. I'd end up like Crow the other night.
An empty seat told me nothing.
"Elijah, buddy, I never knew you had it in you." Crow slapped me on the back.
"You liked it?" I didn't want to sound like an overeager teenager, but that was exactly how I felt.
"Yeah, it's beautiful."
That was something. Crow never gave false praise. Both he and Damo could be bastards like that, but then, when they did say something positive, you knew they were telling the truth.
We got out of the way so Wreckage could set up.
"Great song, Lij," Fay said to me.
"Hey, where's Rose gone?"
Fay shrugged. "Beats me. She rushed off. Maybe she went backstage. She's probably waiting there for you."
"Yeah. That'd be it."
I went backstage with the guys, but Rose wasn't around. Strange. I couldn't exactly go out and search the entire arena for her. She could be anywhere. I had to just chill out and wait. She wouldn't run on off me again. Not now.
When Wreckage got backstage after their sound check, I had no chill left in me. Where the hell had Rose got to?
I tried calling her.
"Where are you?" I asked when she picked up. At least she'd answered her phone. That was something. I didn't want to sound possessive and demanding, but I needed to know what was going on.
"I just went for a walk around the place. I'll come backstage shortly."
Did the woman have no idea how much I needed her approval? I'd spilled my guts up there. I'd told her everything. Maybe my sheer neediness turned her off.
I grabbed a beer and waited for her.
She got backstage a while later. I wanted to ask her; every part of me screamed to ask her, but I waited for her to mention the song.
"Enjoy your walk?" I said.
She nodded. Something about her seemed furtive, though. She didn't look at me; but fiddled with that handbag strap like it was the most important thing in the world.
"It's amazing, all the work that goes into setting up for a concert. I'd never realized."
Maybe she hadn't heard me when I introduced the song. Maybe she didn't know what a big deal it was for me. She kept talking about the setup, but she still didn't meet my eyes.
I rubbed the back of my neck, wondering how to subtly drop the song into the conversation.
Before I could say anything, Fay came over to join us. Rose asked Fay about the necklace she wore. She asked Fay about her boots. Then she asked where Fay got her hair done.
Was I being paranoid, or did Rose seem to grasp at anything if it meant not talking to me? I knew chicks liked talking about that kind of thing but not to that extent.
Then Damo called me away to go through a few things. He wanted to change the set list. Crow didn't. I had no fucks to give about that set list, and Matty sided with Damo.
"Let's do it Damo's way," I said. "He knows what he's doing."
Crow almost never crossed Damo, so I had no idea what this was about.
It was time for Wreckage to go on. I'd have Rose to myself with no distractions. She'd have to say something.
Instead, she grabbed my arm.
"I want to watch Polly and Fay," she said.
I couldn't refuse that, not without looking like a baby. As we watched, I slipped my hand into hers. She twisted around so she leaned against my chest, my arm around her.
While I loved the closeness, I wanted her to look at me. Just a glance. I wanted to read what was in her eyes, but we spent the whole set like that: her head resting against me, my arm around her. I rested my head on her shoulder and nuzzled her neck.
The physical attraction hadn't dimmed at all, but those words I wanted to hear, Rose wasn't saying them. I couldn't relax. And the longer I waited, the more tense I got.
Then Wreckage finished playing. Soon, I'd have to set up and get out there, but I didn't want to walk out onstage without hearing Rose's thoughts.
Finally, we got a quiet moment. Well, as quiet as it got when you were just offstage and a bunch of techs and crew rushed around to ready things for your set.
"What did you think?" I asked her.
She raised her eyebrows.
"About my song, I mean."
I didn't want my heart to freeze up while I waited for her answer, but I couldn't be responsible for what my heart did.
"It wasn't bad. Not really my style." She still didn't look at me.
She hated it. She hated the song. She'd shot me down like I was a vagrant robbing a liquor store.
I forced a smile. "It doesn't matter," I said. "It's just a stupid little thing I've been working on."
But that dull pain in my chest returned. This time, it didn't stay in my chest; it spread all through me, coloring the world with its murky tones.
I went onstage. I played. People cheered. On the outside, nothing changed at all.
Elijah
DAMO BASHED ON MY DOOR. "Come on, Elijah, we're leaving soon."
I knew I had to get my ass down to the lobby, but I wanted to cling to every single minute. These moments would be our last, because I hadn't asked Rose to come on tour with me. It seemed pointless; she'd just shoot me down again. Far better to have a quick and dirty farewell--except that farewell wasn't so quick.
Even after showering, and dressing and packing up all my gear, I couldn't let go of her. One last kiss and I'd leave: that was what I'd promised myself. One last touch. One last look.
As I held her in my arms, Damo knocked again.
"Get down here now!" he yelled. "You can't hold everybody up."
I gave Rose a wry smile. "Gotta do what the man says."
She lingered with me until the last minute, but never once gave any indication she wanted to join me on the tour. I studied her face, hoping for just one trace that she wanted more than this. I couldn't stand the thought that I'd never see her again.
Walking away had always been the thing I did best. If they gave medals for walking away, I'd be up there on the winner's podium. Gold all the way. I'd lost count of the women I'd walked away from. Never even a backwards glance.
But leaving Rose was like ripping out my internal organs.
Any trace of that confidence had been shredded. I couldn't be the one to ask. She'd hated my song. That didn't mean she hated me, but it sure as hell meant she didn't love me. She'd never love me the way I loved her. For her, I'd been nothing more than a fun distraction.
Finally, Rose gave me a little push. Hardly a push at all, just a hand on my arm, aiming me at the door.
I opened the door for her, then slung my bag over my shoulder. "I guess this is it, then," I said.
The hope that she'd try to stop this farewell clung to my heart.
"Thanks, Elijah. It was fun."
Fun? It'd been much more than fun for me. Those were the words that finally stopped me from hoping.
When we got to the lobby, she walked out the door without looking back. I watched her walk out to the street and jump into a cab.
She was gone.
That was it. It was over. That was the last I'd ever see of her. I'd told her that if she walked away after these few days, I wouldn't look for her, I wouldn't come after her, but every impulse in me screamed for me to run after that cab and beg her to be with me.
"Come on," Fartstard said. "Everyone else is on the bus."
I followed him to the tour bus and settled into a seat. Down at the back of the bus, everyone else was gathered around the table, playing some kind of card game. They laughed and whooped.
I scrunched down in my seat, put my headphones on, and buried myself in music. I might try to get some sleep. Soon, we'd be in Brussels. Another city. I had a lot less enthusiasm this time. Another day of setup, then a night off before our first show there tomorrow.
The city rushed past. Amsterdam, huh? It hadn't been the best city for me, that was for sure.
Rose and I had spent the night together, and it'd been good. It'd been better than good on a physical level, but that pressure in my chest hadn't left me. I couldn't fully let go with her, not after what she'd said. It wasn't her style--that's what she'd said. The red-hot stabbing in my heart replayed every time I thought of those words. I'd done my best, and it just hadn't been good enough.
The seat dipped as Fay flopped down beside me. I didn't remove my headphones. I wasn't in the mood for her joviality. I wanted to sink into this dark mood.
That didn't stop her. She reached over and took the headphones off me.
"Lij, what the fuck are you even doing on this bus alone?" she said. "You need to toughen up."
I put my headphones back on.
For the rest of the tour, I had a plan. I'd put my head down and work my butt off. No more partying. No more groupies. The thought of groupies left me cold. I'd be like Damo: all business. All work. Ride this wave while I could--that was the plan. Then die a lonely old man. Fay had been right about that in the first place.
There was nothing wrong with being alone. One day, all this would fade. The longings would die, and Rose would just be another memory. Until then, I'd endure as best I could.
Elijah
THAT DAMN FIRECRACKER didn't know how to take a hint. She removed my headphones again.
"Leave it, Fay," I said. "I'm not in the mood."
"Because you're a total loser, Elijah. I saw you let her walk away."
I tried to push her off the seat, but she was a lot harder to move than you'd think from the size of her. She was damn determined to have this talk, whether I liked it or not.
"Did you also see that she didn't even look back? I was a fling for her. After everything I did, all I achieved was extending that fling. And, yeah, I had a good time, but that's all it was."
"So now you're going to sit here alone, reveling in your misery?"
I nodded. "Yep, that's the plan. Nothing wrong with that. So, go back to your card game and leave me with my misery."
Misery was a helluva lot better than talking about this. What good did talk do? Fay would be all pep-talky, but none of that peppiness would change a damn thing. I'd listened to enough of her talks, and they'd done nothing for me in the end.
"Dude, you got the black eyeliner to go with that emo attitude?"
"Not funny, Fay."
I grabbed my headphones back off her, but she gripped them so tight that I ended up letting go so they wouldn't break. Those things hadn't been cheap.
"You really cared about her a lot," she said. "It's not like every woman is going to throw in her entire life to go on tour with a rock group."
Fay turned. I followed her gaze to Matt and Fiona sitting farther down the bus, apart from everyone.
"Fiona did it," I said, stating the obvious.
"She doesn't seem much fun, to be honest. The two of them hang out on their own, never having much to do with anyone else. I think the most she's ever said to me is when she wanted me to pass the salt at breakfast one morning. She was good at the photography studio, but there's something strange about them."
I'd never really given Fiona much thought. Matt played well and fit in well with the rest of us, but both of them did keep to themselves.
"What's your point?" I asked. Her analysis of Matt and Fiona's relationship had nothing to do with me.
"My point is that not every woman is going to do that. Maybe they have a job they love or a great apartment or other ties to their life. Me, I love this traveling around and playing every night, but I'm young and cute. I want to have fun while I can. Your woman isn't like that. She might've had a good reason for saying no."
"She's not my woman, and she didn't say no."
Fay raised her eyebrows. "She didn't?"
"She didn't because I didn't ask her."
Fay gasped. That gasp was pretty damn exaggerated, too. It wasn't so shocking that I hadn't asked. The song had done that for me, and she'd rejected my song.
"Whoa. Piss weak, dude. You didn't even ask her, and now you're moping because she's not here. Lij, you are not the man I thought you were."
I wasn't the man I'd thought I was, either. "I don't want to talk about it."
I sure wasn't going to rake over my misery with Fay. She'd have snappy things to say about it, and I was in no mood for her comebacks.
"Fine. But I'm telling you, you might've made the biggest mistake of your life."
I shrugged and looked out the window. We'd reached the suburbs now. Soon, we'd leave the city behind entirely.
"She would've said no if I had asked," I said.
"You don't know that."
"Yeah, I do. It was never like that for her."
Fay twisted in the seat to look at me. Someone had turned on the music, and arguments broke out down the back of the bus. You've got to brave to select the music on the tour bus. It's always going to get heated.
"If it wasn't like that for her, why did she react like that to your song?" Fay asked.
I gulped. I wanted to forget that song ever existed. I'd been the biggest fool.
"You mean the way she hated it."
"Hated it?" Fay stroked my arm. "What makes you think that?"
"Her saying she hated it. That's what makes me say it."
I might not be the brightest match in the box sometimes, but Rose had made it pretty damned obvious. I didn't need her to put up a neon sign to get through to me.
Fay pursed her lips. She had something to say, and nothing in this world would stop her from saying it. I prepared myself, but Fay could pep talk all she liked; her words wouldn't change what Rose had said. I needed to accept the truth, not listen to false hopes.
"She didn't hate it, Lij."
I shook my head. "Don't try to mollycoddle me. She told me herself. It wasn't her style of music. I'm a grown man. I can deal with that."
"Yeah, obviously."
I turned to look back out the window.
"Elijah, I don't think she hated your song. I'm not saying that to make you feel better. I mean it. I was sitting beside her when you played it. I saw the look on her face. I don't know why she said that to you, but she had tears in her eyes while you sang."
"Tears of pain at having to listen to my embarrassingly honest feelings, you mean."
Fay punched my arm. "Real tears, idiot."
"Whatever. She said she didn't like it. She couldn't even meet my eyes. We spent the night together, but there was a massive great wall between us. All the tenderness and inside stuff was gone. It was great sex, but nothing more. It wasn't sex that made the world stop turning or the ground shift beneath my feet. It was body sex, not heart sex. Why am I even trying to explain this to you, kiddo?"
"There's more going on with her than you think."
"Firecracker's wo
rds of wisdom, huh? Even so, it's too late now."
She punched me. Hard. I rubbed my arm.
"You complete dick, Lij. It's not too late. Grow a pair and do something about it. You got on this bus and left town. I bet that's exactly what she expected you to do. Rock star having a good time, that's what she'd think. No one is going to believe your fancy words, not with your reputation. You need action. And, hell, the bus hasn't even left the city limits yet."
I kept rubbing my arm, letting those words sink in. "You think?"
"What are you going to do? Go to your grave wondering? Jeez, Lij." She threw her hands in the air. "What the hell would you do without me? You'd curl up in a ball of misery. Now, we need to make a plan."
"Screw the plan," I said. I jumped up and pushed past her. "Stop the bus! I'm getting off here."
Elijah
LUCKILY, THE BUS DRIVER had a lick of common sense, and instead of letting me off the bus in the middle of nowhere, he made me sit down and wait until he got near a train station. Even though that romantic image of "running full tilt to the one you love" thing looked cool in the movies, it'd probably have killed me. We were a long way out of the city by now. I'd have been running for hours.
"Be at the hotel in Brussels by 2 p.m. tomorrow," Damo said. "Or I'm kicking your ass off this tour."
Damo and his threatening to kick people off the tour. It seemed to be his default position lately, although I felt like he meant it this time. Even without his threat, I knew better to let the guys down, not to mention the fans. But that gave me nearly 24 hours to win Rose over.
I could do that. I had to believe it.
I'd plonked my butt down on the seat behind the driver. Not even on the seat but the edge of the seat, hands gripping the cushion. How far was it to this train station? Every minute we drove was another minute I moved away from Rose instead of towards her. My heart pounded but that dull pressure had disappeared. Fay wasn't wrong; I was a man of action, not a man of moping.
The bus brakes squealed. We'd reached the station. I flew out that door. I had no idea where to go or what I was doing, but I'd find Rose and demand the truth from her. If she could look me in the eye and tell me she felt nothing more than a sexual attraction, then I'd leave her behind me, but I wouldn't walk away with unanswered questions.
Rock Mayhem: 8 Complete Rock Star Romance Novels Page 60