"The facial damage isn't permanent, though?" I asked.
The look of disgust from the doctor hit me with a jolt. Did he think I cared about that? Just the fact that Fiona had survived was enough for me but I knew if she woke up with a scarred face, she'd have trouble coping.
"It's too early to tell, and her recovery is our main focus at the moment," the doctor said. "If her appearance is the most important thing for you, maybe it's better you don't spend too much time--"
I put my hand up to stop him, shaking my head. "It's not about me," I said. "I'm just not sure if she'll deal well with injuries to her face."
He looked from Fiona to me.
"She was a model," I added.
I didn't want to say that Fiona's self-esteem was still very wrapped up in her looks. How even a stupid photo of her looking less than her best had upset her.
"If she gets through the next week, she's going to need to spend a lot of time in rehabilitation," Doctor Roche said.
I nodded. I had a thousand questions I wanted to ask him, but right now, I wanted him to leave so I could have some time alone with Fiona. Every breath she took, every beep on that machine, became precious to me, because they meant she was alive.
Finally, the doctor left.
I rested my forehead against Fiona's hand. Her skin felt so cold. I wanted to warm her, but I was afraid to mess with any of the equipment attached to her. If I could only hold her hand, I'd hold it with all my might. If I held it for long enough, my strength might flow into her.
Eventually, a nurse came in. Nurse Lucy. "You have to go back to your room," she said. "You need to get your rest."
"No. I can't rest unless I'm with her."
Nurse Lucy screwed up her mouth. "I'll bring a tray of food, and if you eat it, we might be able to let you stay an extra hour."
"That's blackmail," I said.
"Yeah, I'm an evil bitch. What you going to do about it?" She grinned. "And you need to keep your strength up. Skipping meals isn't going to do her any good."
I'd eat every bite of that meal. If it meant more time with Fiona, I'd do anything.
Fiona let out a little murmur. I stood up, watching her in case she woke up. She just twitched a little, as though having a dream.
When Nurse Lucy returned, I asked her when Fiona would be conscious again.
"Maybe not for the next few days."
The nurse put the tray of food on the table near me, then checked Fiona's details and wrote things on her chart.
Fiona twitched again.
"Is she supposed to do that?" I asked.
The nurse nodded. "Yes, it's fine. It's just the nerves reacting."
I stayed by Fiona's side for as long as I could, but eventually, they made me go back to my room.
"Can't I sleep here?" I asked. "I'm fine in the chair."
"You need to keep your strength up. There's a long haul ahead," the nurse told me. "When she wakes up, you want her see you strong and healthy."
I thought I wouldn't sleep, but they must've given me something, because I didn't wake until morning. Not long after that, Damo visited. He brought in flowers and gifts from everyone on the tour.
"How is she?" he asked.
"Out of surgery. Doing well," I told him.
He smiled. "That's good to hear."
"They think she's going to have a long rehabilitation. We might need to talk about that."
He nodded. "We'll worry about that later. The main thing is for you both to recover."
Then he held out a bag to me. Pajamas! Not having to wear this stupid hospital gown would give me back a whole heap of my dignity.
"Crow and Elijah are packing up your room this morning. We'll get your bags sent here. I just hope you have nothing private sitting around, because Elijah will never let you hear the end of it."
I gave him a weak grin. "Nothing too bad."
"We'll be back in Paris after Barcelona, so we'll pop in to see you. Polly and Fay really wanted to come in with me, but I wasn't sure you'd cope with that."
I nodded. As lovely as they both were, I preferred to be alone.
When he left, it felt like my connection to my past life went with him. There was only the two of us alone in this city, me and Fiona. We didn't know anyone here, no one to lean on. I had to get strong and do it fast, because Fiona needed me.
Matty
AFTER I'D BEEN CHECKED and medicated, Nurse Mary wanted to give me a sponge bath.
"Hell no," I told her. "I can shower myself."
"Damn. That was going to be the fun part of my day," she said with a wink. "If you think you can handle it, I'll get everything ready. You'll need to use the shower chair because you shouldn't be standing for long. And there's a handy buzzer in there. Don't be worried about using it if you feel dizzy or anything like that."
I nodded. A shower would be amazing. I hadn't realized how gross I felt until she'd mentioned it.
"Once you're done, you can put on your fancy new PJs and go up to see your lady love," she said. "Although the shower might tire you out."
She wasn't wrong about the shower. I'd never known showering could take so much effort, even though I was sitting down on that weird chair. As much as I wanted to see Fi, I had to sit down for a while to recover.
I gave Ash a quick call and told him to hold off on visiting. "She's out of it at the moment. And I'm not sure if she'll want visitors for a while."
"You have to tell the doctors about her addiction," he said.
Damn. I hadn't thought of that. I'd talk to them about it today.
"Listen, Matty," he said. "Don't play the tough guy. Don't hold it all in. If you need help, or just someone around for support--hell, even if you just need a shoulder to cry on, let me know. I can hop on a plane any time. Alice will come with me. If not me, then call your parents. You have people who care."
"I'll keep that in mind," I said.
"Don't just keep it in mind. Act on it, mate."
When I got to Fiona's ward, not much had changed from the night before. I swept her hair from her face and lightly traced my fingers over the bandages, weeping inside over the damage that had been done to her. I'd been responsible for this, and I had to make it right.
I sat down and held her hand. I wasn't sure what else to do, except sit there watching the machines.
One of the nurses came in. "You should talk to her," she said. "Even if it seems like she can't hear you, nobody knows for sure. Your words might not reach her, but the sound of your voice might be soothing."
I nodded. That made sense.
I just stared at Fiona's hand until the nurse had left and we were alone.
"Ah, Fi, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. You're alive, and that's an amazingly beautiful thing. Nothing in this world makes me happier than you being alive."
It seemed like her fingers tightened a little around my hand, but maybe I imagined that.
"You're in the hospital, and everyone here is lovely. You're getting the best care, and, little by little, you're growing stronger. Soon, you'll be awake, and we'll be able to talk properly. No matter what, I'll look after you. I promise you that. I'll look after you for as long as you need."
I couldn't see much of her face because of the bandages, but she seemed peaceful. I wasn't sure what else to say. I sat silently for a while, and soon my breathing fell into the same pattern as hers.
If I couldn't talk, I had to do something.
There was a song from back in my old boy band days that Fiona really loved. I began singing it to her, quietly at first, because I felt like a bit of an idiot singing away like that, but as the song progressed, my voice grew stronger.
When I finished, I started another song. One of the Freaks' songs this time. Singing helped. It helped me, at least, so that's what I did. The hospital and all that tragedy seemed to dissolve around me. It was just Fiona and me and the song. It made me believe that everything would work out and be back to normal soon.
At the end of th
e song, someone clapped, and I spun around to see Dr. Roche standing in the doorway.
"It's not every day we have a real rock star performing in here," he said.
"I'm hardly a rock star," I told him. "I stay in the background."
He walked into the room. "Still, you're a talented man."
I moved out of the way while he checked on Fiona.
"I'll be out of your hair shortly," he said.
"Actually, there's something I need to talk to you about," I told him.
I went on to explain about Fiona's struggle with addiction. He wanted to know exactly what she'd been taking.
"I'm not completely sure," I told him. "I wasn't around her all the time. Pills, booze, coke. I think that's mainly it."
He nodded. "Opiates? Heroin or the like? I saw no signs of injection."
"I can't be totally sure, but I don't think so. I think she was more into the party drugs. I can check with her manager, but even she wouldn't know exactly what Fiona took."
The doctor clicked his tongue. "We'll have to take that into account with her treatment. It will make things more difficult, but we don't want to set her down the path to further addiction."
That made sense.
"She's a fighter," he said. "I guess she's got a lot to live for."
I nodded. "I fell in love with her when I was just a kid, really. She'd walk into a room and light it up with the life force in her. You'd hardly believe it, seeing her like this, but she just buzzed with life, so vibrant and bright that she made everything around her look dull."
Although I spoke to the doctor, my eyes never left Fiona's face.
I couldn't even pinpoint when that vitality stopped being natural and had become enhanced by the drugs she took. Back in those days, we'd all worked insane schedules. We were products, pumped for as much money as we could make, then thrown away once we were no longer of use. Drug use went with the territory. If it meant more hours of work or looking brighter for the camera, they'd be freely given.
Then, after work, at a club or a party, everyone wanted to be friends with the celebrity. If drugs bought that friendship, you'd be offered them in spades.
I'd been lucky to have such strong family support. I'd always wanted to be able to look my parents square in the eye, so I'd pushed the temptation away. But Fiona had never had anyone to look after her except her manager. I'd been there for her, and so had Ash, but we were just as young and stupid.
"So, the two of you have been together for a long time," the doctor said, interrupting my thoughts.
"Not so long." I gave him a wry smile. "I fell for her, but it took over ten years for her to return my feelings. I never thought we'd get together. For so many years, it seemed like an impossible dream. I can't lose her now. Not after all of that."
The doctor smiled. "We'll do everything we can, of course. Now, I'll leave you to your singing."
I moved back close to Fiona and took her hand in mine again. Just like the doctor said, I kept singing. I couldn't do much, but I could do that. I sang every song I knew. I sang until my voice went hoarse. Anything to keep her close to me.
A nurse came in with lunch for me, so I took a break to eat it. Then I kept singing and talking until they came to take me back to my room.
"Just a while longer," I said.
Before the nurse could answer, Fiona's eyelids fluttered.
"Did you see that?" I asked.
The nurse nodded.
"I can't leave her now."
"It's probably just her nervous system reacting. I don't think she'll be awake until tomorrow, at least."
She could say that, but Fiona had definitely reacted. She wanted me to stay with her. I knew that. She responded, and soon she'd be fully awake. All I could do was count my blessings that she'd come through this.
Matty
THE NEXT MORNING, IT felt like this had always been my routine. Wake up, ask for news of Fiona, then get ready to go to see her. When Nurse Mary came in, she had some news for me, though.
"You might be discharged soon," she said. "The doctor mainly wanted you in here for observation, and since you're never in your bed to observe, he's kicking you out." She grinned, amused at herself.
"Oh," I said. "I hadn't really thought about that. I don't have anywhere to go."
It felt stupid to say that. After all, I should've known my discharge would be coming soon, but my mind had been on other things.
"Do you have friends, or anyone you know in Paris?" she asked. "You'll get discharged sooner if you have someone to care for you."
Apart from a few record company people and the like, there was no one.
I grimaced and shook my head. "Are there hotels near the hospital? I'll need to be close by, and hotel staff are almost as good as friends to care for me." I tried to give her an appealing grin. That line about hotel staff was a huge stretch.
"We have printouts at the desk with a list of hotels that we give to family when someone's admitted, but they aren't fancy places. Nowhere near the standard you'd be used to."
I shrugged. "If they're clean and close by, that's all I need. Until Fiona's out of here, I won't be spending much time in my room."
"We can pick up the sheet when I wheel you upstairs," she said. "But you might still need help with showering and getting dressed. I'd be happy to pop in and do that for you."
I laughed. "I think I'll cope." I got into the wheelchair.
"Damn. I thought you rock stars were all man whores, but you only have eyes for her, don't you?"
"I sure do. She might wake up today," I said.
I'd miss Nurse Mary with her harmless flirting when I left this place. Some of the other nurses did their jobs and left, but she always sparkled with mischief.
"She might wake, but even if she does, she'll be groggy and confused. Don't expect too much."
I nodded. Just seeing her awake would be enough.
I sat beside her bed again, holding her hand and singing.
"She's getting stronger," the doctor told me when he came in. "I wouldn't say she's completely in the clear, but things look more hopeful."
I'd become convinced she could hear me. When I spoke, I was sure she responded with a flicker of her eyelids or a twitch of her hands. I talked to her about the dog we'd adopt when the tour finished and about the happy life we'd have. I talked about all the fun things we'd done on this tour. We'd been dorky tourists, checking off to-do lists in every city. Weirdly enough, despite both of us having had a lifetime of travel, we'd never taken the time to actually see things in the cities we'd visited before this tour.
This tour had given us time to relax and explore things. It made me glad I'd waited, because I got to see them with Fiona and create all those memories.
I thought about singing to her again, but before I could, her hand moved.
It most definitely moved.
I jumped up. "Fiona? Fiona?" I squeezed her hand.
Her eyelids didn't just flicker; she opened her eyes and looked at me. I wasn't sure if I should buzz for the nurse or stay with her.
"Can you hear me?" I asked, and she squeezed my hand again.
I gulped. This was definitely a good sign. I wanted to stroke her face, but the bandages made that difficult. I was so glad I was the one she saw first when she woke. She knew I was here with her and she wasn't alone.
I buzzed for the nurse.
"She's woken up," I said when a nurse came. "She opened her eyes."
As the nurse bustled around, checking things, I didn't take my gaze from Fiona's face. She opened her eyes again, and this time she seemed to focus on me.
"Matty?" Her voice was hoarse.
"I'll get some water," the nurse said. "If she can drink it, that is."
"I'm here, Fi, and you're going to be okay."
When the nurse returned, she had a tray. "I've got ice chips too, in case she can't drink."
I took the jug from her and poured a glass of water, then held it to Fiona's lips. I tried to kee
p my hand steady even though I shuddered with excitement. She'd woken up, and she'd said my name. From here on, she'd only get stronger and better.
Her face twitched. "It hurts to smile," she said.
"You smile just fine. But you're all bandaged up."
I didn't want to tell her about the injuries to her face. Not yet. There were so many other things I wanted to tell her. She'd get better, and I'd make sure every day with her was the best day of her life. I couldn't take a single one of those days for granted.
Soon, she dozed off again.
"She'll be like this all day," the nurse said.
I sat by her bedside, talking and singing. After a while, Nurse Mary came back up.
"You have to go to your room. The doctor wants to see about discharging you."
"But she woke up. What if she wakes again and I'm not here?"
She put her hand on my shoulder. "It's tough, but you want to get out of here, right? Anyway, you're in that wheelchair, so you don't have much choice."
I nodded and went with her. The doctor looked me over and said I'd be fine to be discharged. He gave me a sheet with a list of care instructions.
After that, I got dressed in real clothes and went back up to Fiona's room. Soon, I'd have to book a hotel and organize all that, but I wanted to stay with her for as long as possible.
A little while later, she woke again. She wanted to say something, but she couldn't speak. Her hands fluttered around, showing her distress. I tried to give her some water, but she couldn't drink, so I called the nurse for more ice chips.
"It's okay," I said, smoothing down her hair. "Relax. You can talk later."
When the nurse bought in the ice chips, I gave Fiona some. I sat on the bed beside her, still smoothing her hair.
"Matty?" she said.
"Don't try to talk," I told her. "Just rest."
She shook her head and reached for me. "Go back on tour," she said.
"It's fine. The guys can play without me. They've gone to Barcelona, and I can join up with them later. The main thing is for you to get better. I've got all the time in the world to go on tour. Right now, I have to be with you."
But she'd fallen back asleep, and I wasn't sure how much she'd heard of that.
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