I don’t care about any vows I made in the past because I would die before I’d let anything happen to Hadley or Ellie. I’ve known it from the minute I saw Ellie eight years ago, and that need for her is still as strong, but now, it’s the same with Hadley.
This little girl will own my heart, regardless of whose blood runs in her veins.
She and I start walking and her posture rips at my soul. Her shoulders are slumped in defeat and the normal chatter I’ve come to know as her is gone. It’s as though we’re walking toward some horrible fate. I wish I could take it away from her, keep them both with me where I know they’re both safe. I refuse to take even an ounce of control away from her mother, though.
“Connor?” Hadley asks as we move through the field.
“Yeah?”
“What are you scared of?”
So many things come to mind, all of which revolve around people I love. “When I was little, I was terrified of storms. I was stuck up in that tree for a big one where the bolts were hitting the ground. It was so bad that even the cows were scared. I was so afraid that it took my older brothers coming to find me before I would leave.”
“What about now?” she asks.
Now, I’m afraid that she’s my daughter and I’m never going to deserve her. I’m scared she won’t be my daughter and the part of me that has this bit of hope will never recover from the loss of what was never mine to begin with. Mostly, I’m afraid I won’t be able to protect her or Ellie.
“Well, I don’t know. Mostly, I worry about the people I care about.”
“Like me?”
I nod with a grin. “You bet. We’re friends.”
“I’m scared of my dad.”
Bile churns in my stomach and guilt fills me. If I had known there was a possibility of her, I could’ve saved her from it all. We both slow down, and I put my hand on her shoulder. “Your dad can’t hurt you now,” I reassure her.
She looks away and then back to me. “He hurt my mom and was always yelling at us.”
This kid should’ve known a life with fairy tales, sunshine, and tea parties. Her father should’ve given her hope and been a man she looked up to. He robbed her of that, and I’d like to kill him for it.
I’ll do what I can to ease her worries. “I was up in the tree during that storm because my dad was angry a lot. He would yell and sometimes he’d hit my brothers and me.”
“But you’re so strong.”
“Now I am, but I wasn’t then. I remember being scared a lot when I was younger. It wasn’t until I grew up and went into the military that I finally realized I didn’t have to be scared anymore.”
I don’t want her to wait that long, but there is hope.
“I want to be a grown-up.”
I laugh. “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, Squirt.”
The house comes into view, and Hadley sighs. “When I’m a grown-up, I’ll get to do what I want and won’t have to go anywhere I don’t want to.”
The ignorance of youth. I sure as fuck don’t want to be in Sugarloaf or have to fix up the farm I never wanted to see again. Nor did I want to get out of the navy, but I had no choice. However, coming back here has given me something I never thought I’d get . . . a second chance.
Chapter Fifteen
Ellie
“She’s all tucked in and fast asleep,” I say as I make my way into the living room where Connor is sitting making a list of something.
He looks up and smiles. “Good. She’s probably exhausted.”
We all are. At both Hadley and Connor’s insistence, I decided to stay another night here. Ultimately, I made the decision to stay because Connor and I have a lot we need to talk about. My want for Hadley to feel comfortable, even if it means this conversation will be anything but for me, was another reason.
“Yeah . . . do you think that we could talk?”
He puts the paper down and nods. “I think that’s probably a good idea.”
“How about we go on the porch, that way she doesn’t overhear if she wakes up.”
“Sounds good.”
I release a deep breath through my nose and follow him out. We sit on the porch swing, and I shiver from the drop in air temperature, but I have so much to say, I don’t give myself a second to think about it.
“I want to tell you that I really have no idea if it’s possible. I’d like to explain, if that’s okay?”
“Of course.”
I plan to bare my soul and hope I make it out of this without crumbling.
“I met you the night before I married Kevin. In some part of my brain, I knew I didn’t love him and shouldn’t marry him, but I felt like . . . I had to. I truly believed he loved me and was just protective—maybe a bit jealous and insecure. It was the way he talked to or about me, you know? I convinced myself that once our relationship was secure, he’d be too. I was wrong. In my heart, I knew it wouldn’t matter and I shouldn’t do it. I went to the bar that night because I was lost and that was the last place my parents were. They meant everything to me. They were . . . they were killed in a hit and run close to the bar a week prior, and I’d been a mess since their death. My entire world was gone just like that and I thought, well, I thought that if I could feel them then I’d know what to do. But then you said hello, and I was so lost. It took one word for my entire life to feel as though it had been righted. You were so wonderful, and you looked at me like I was special and beautiful. We danced in that bar, and I wanted one night that every girl dreams of. Even if it could only be that solitary night? Even if it was so wrong?”
“But it didn’t have to be that once.”
He’s right. If I hadn’t left before he woke, I might have never married Kevin. Even if Connor had still left, maybe I would’ve found the courage to walk away, seeing what I could’ve had. I was so naïve and didn’t want the morning sun to wipe away the night we shared in darkness. Instead of facing the possibilities, I settled for what I thought was my only option.
I hadn’t really thought Connor could have been more because he was just as happy spending that night wrapped in anonymity as I was.
“I think we’d be lying if we said that was true. You were running from something too, if I remember correctly.”
We used each other to escape the reality of our lives. As much as I would like to believe there could be more, it wasn’t true. And I’ve done enough pretending to know the difference.
He looks out at the horizon and grips the bottom of the swing. “I was.”
“You’re not married, so it couldn’t be that.” I attempt a little levity.
Clearly, it didn’t work because he now looks as if he’s haunted by something.
“The night we met . . .” He trails off.
I reach out, placing my hand on his, and his other hand covers mine. The shiver I experience this time has nothing to do with the cold. “The night we met?” I struggle to keep my voice even.
Connor’s face shows no emotion, but the air around us feels heavy. It’s strange, and yet, I remember this same exact feeling the night we met. It was as though I felt his touch so deeply that I would never be the same. Our hearts became tangled as we bared ourselves in ways that I didn’t know were possible.
“It was so much more . . .”
“I know what you mean.”
He shakes his head, breaking us both from the odd connection. “My father was an abusive drunk who beat the shit out of me and my brothers.”
A piece of me shatters from that one sentence. “Connor . . .”
“No, I don’t talk about this well, so let me try to get it out.”
I press my lips together tightly, giving him the silence he asks for.
“When my mother died, he became a completely different person. He drank constantly, and when the alcohol stopped numbing the pain, he decided to spread it around. My brothers took what they could to protect me since I was the youngest and by far the smallest.”
My chest aches, but I hold in any sound as
he keeps talking.
“When they left, it became a lot harder to avoid him. I learned that running made it worse. When I came back, I paid for it.”
I wrap my fingers around his, giving him whatever support I can lend. I can’t fathom the betrayal he must’ve felt when the one person he needed the most was the person breaking him. He’s been so steadfast in his support for me, giving me what I needed without asking, and I have no idea if it’s hurt him at all.
Did he relive what he endured?
Does he look at me and see a weak woman, even though he’s the one telling me how strong I am?
“I’m so sorry. You never deserved that from anyone, least of all your father.”
“No one deserves to be hit, Ellie. No one. It doesn’t matter whose hand it comes from—it’s wrong and unforgivable. I vowed that I would never be like him, and I want you to understand how much I mean it. I would never hit someone in anger unless I’m trying to protect what’s important to me.”
I lift my other hand and gently touch his cheek. “You don’t have to try very hard to convince me. I see who you are. There isn’t a trace of that man inside you.”
His fingers wrap around my wrist, pulling my hand down. “I’ve worked really fucking hard to make sure of that. My brothers as well. The night we met was probably the lowest I’ve ever felt. My father was in a state for months before my graduation. He was drinking more, finding ways to catch me off guard. I knew I had to get out of here, and I wasn’t smart like Declan or Jacob so there wouldn’t be any scholarships. I didn’t play baseball like Sean, so sports were out. I knew it was jail or the military, so I enlisted while I was a senior and never told him. That night, I let him know that I was leaving, and he lost it. He came at me hard, yelling and saying things I will never forget. He punched me, and I swung back. We fought, man to man, and it was the first time and only time I had let my emotions get the better of me.”
“You can’t for one minute think that any of it was your fault. You were defending yourself.”
He runs his hand over his face. “I fought my father when he was out of his skull. I don’t fault myself, but make no mistake that it wasn’t because I was pissed. I had ten years of rage from the beatings he inflicted and the hell he put us through built up inside me.”
It’s different. I know he probably won’t see it that way, but this isn’t the same at all. He didn’t go looking for a fight, he responded to what was in front of him.
“And if I had gotten a bat and took it to Kevin’s head, what would you say to me?”
“Good.”
“But you fighting off your own attacker is different how?”
Connor’s hands clench and then he rubs his leg, seeming uncomfortable. I understand him in a way that maybe no one else can. I’ve lived it, fought with the guilt, and spent years thinking that maybe in some way I did deserve it because that was what I’d been told. I’ve fought every day with the decision to stay one minute past the first time.
Being a victim doesn’t just happen in the moment, it follows me every second. I recognize it, and I hate that it’s a bond we share. I’m also grateful I’m not alone.
“Regardless,” Connor begins again, “a few hours after I woke up without you there, I was on a bus to basic training and haven’t come back until he died a few weeks ago.”
So many questions float around in my mind. If Connor had come back, even once, would it have been different? If I’d run into him, I would’ve felt something or maybe he would have fought for me. There are a million what-ifs but only one truth, and it’s this moment in time.
“I’ve often wondered if I was being punished for that night . . .”
He gets to his feet so fast that I gasp, but then his hands are on the back of the swing, steadying the movement. “Don’t ever say that. What we shared isn’t something that anyone would punish someone for. How could it be?”
“Because it was wrong of me! I was getting married the next day. I didn’t regret what we did, I still don’t regret it, but I should have never ever gone back to that room with you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I married him. I went through with it, and all the while, I . . .” I can’t say it. If I do, it’ll be a mistake. But then I look up and see the look in his eyes, see the way he’s silently begging me to give him my truth, and God, I want to. “I wished it could’ve been you. The man who smiled at me with the softest and most loving expression. You looked at me as though you needed me, and I know it was wrong, but I needed you.”
When he sits back down, his head falls in his hands before turning to look at me. “I did need you.”
“But we weren’t each other’s to have.”
“No, I guess we weren’t.”
I lean back, turning just enough to still be able to look at him and wondering if the moment we’re sharing now could’ve been our daily life. Would we be sitting on the porch, talking at night, enjoying an honesty I’d never known existed until this moment?
“If things had gone differently that night, if I were braver and stayed, do you think we could’ve been something more?”
Connor lifts his body back up, his arm going across the back of the swing. I can see how easily I would fit into his side, as though I were made to go there, but I stay where I am because we’ve yet to talk about Hadley.
“I don’t know. Sometimes, when I envisioned what we may have been, it was so much more, but I think that the fantasy of that time was just that. I was fucked up when we met, dealing with emotions I wasn’t mature enough to handle. That night was peace, but in the morning, it was gone . . . like you.”
“I was never gone, I was lost.”
“And what about now?”
I look away, letting the question settle over me. “I’d like to say that I’m finding my way. I’m not lost, but I’m not found. I’m . . . hopeful that I’ll be able to get where I should be.”
Connor takes my hand in his. “That’s all any of us are doing, Ellie.”
“Some better than others.”
He laughs once, the sound echoing around us. “I’m the eternal bachelor, sworn never to have a family or a real relationship. I push everyone away. I’m not doing a damn thing better than anyone.”
That leaves me sitting here wondering if he’s upset with my possible revelation. “And what if Hadley is yours?”
“Then I’ll be the father I never had, and that girl will never have to fear for you or herself again.”
Chapter Sixteen
Connor
“Connor, Connor, Connor!” Hadley yells as she runs out to the barn.
I’ve been working non-stop since she left for school. I finished my surprise about an hour ago and came to get some of the work I actually should’ve been doing for the farm done.
“Hey! How was school?”
“Good. I got to talk to the whole class about how a Navy SEAL rescued me when I hurt my arm.”
Ellie is walking slowly behind her with a huge grin on her face that makes my heart stutter. God, she’s beautiful.
The sun is off to the side of her, and the skirt of her dress is blowing just slightly around her legs. She has a wrap around her shoulders, and her long brown hair is down. She looks breathtaking.
“Hey,” I say with a hitch in my throat.
“Hey.” Ellie’s eyes brighten as she gets nearer.
“How was school for you?”
Ellie shrugs. “It was good, but I can’t wait for Hadley to tell you all about her day.”
I look down at her as she smiles so hard I worry her cheeks could break. “So, you talked about me, huh?”
“I did! I did! And now you’re going to come to school with me!”
“Uh—” I stammer. “I’m what?”
Her eyes go wide, and she starts speaking at her normal speed, which is Mach ten or twenty and still too fast for a normal man to keep up with. “I was telling them how you found me in the tree but that I didn’t really want to be found
but you’re so smart and saved me. I told them about how you carried me with one arm because you’re like Hercules. Then I changed my mind because you’re even better because you know how to use a gun since you were in the military. Then I was saying how, again, you came and helped me when I was in trouble and how you’re a hero and fought in the war and how you’re not afraid of anything except storms when you were little.” She draws a huge breath and keeps going. “Then I said I was going to bring you for show and tell because everyone wants to meet you because you’re my best friend. Plus, no one has an adult for a best friend like I do. They didn’t believe it, but you are, and Mom says I can’t tell people you’ll come to school and that I have to ask. Connor, will you come to school with me?”
When she finally stops, she smiles and looks pleased with herself. I’m just in shock. “I don’t know about that.”
“You have to. You don’t want me to fail, do you? Show and tell is for a grade.”
I don’t, right? I mean, that’s the right answer, but it’s also the absolute last thing I want to do. What the hell am I going to show and tell?
“No, I don’t want you to fail, but I’m sure we can find something else that’s even better.”
“It has to be you. I even wrote a paper about you so that it was approved by Mrs. Flannigan, and she’s mean. She doesn’t like kids, but they let her be a teacher anyway.”
Oh, Jesus. “Right, but I’m not really sure people want to meet me.”
“You’re the coolest. My friends will love you!” Hadley’s little voice sounds very sure of herself there.
I need to get out of this—quick. “I am sure there are a million other things that are much cooler and better options.”
Her lip juts out into a pout.
“But you’re what I want to bring.”
I look over to Ellie for help, but she leans against the door opening with a knowing grin. There’s no way to say no to this kid. Especially not with the lip thing and the big eyes staring at me all innocently. Damn it.
“Ten minutes.”
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