Later on, Xavier told me that it was one of the most viewed scenes as soon as it had aired.
Although it was probably a terrible idea, for the next few weeks, I’d close my eyes and think of my Jamie. Not necessarily him now, since I didn’t know what he looked like, except in my mind, but the way he’d touched me, made me feel—the emotions he’d evoked. How, even if we fumbled, we both knew what the other needed and could explore and demand with no fear.
I shook my head and moved to where I was told. They would edit the film; I knew the routine. Leaning over the bed, I moaned as he placed his lubed fingers in my ass, and when my skin was massaged, it didn’t feel like a smooth caress, but more like sandpaper.
At a break in the filming, I moved to the side to get a bottle of water. Jordan was close behind me and I could feel the warmth of his skin. He kissed my neck and a shiver left me involuntarily. “Want to meet me after? You’re good and really hot. No strings attached. Just fucking on our own terms without cameras.” I only nodded, enjoying his touch. I couldn’t deny that he was handsome. I supposed we could’ve spent some time together to see what would happen.
Possible thoughts of wanting someone to share everything with—like pillow talk or even just cuddling on the couch—were shoved away quickly. I’d lost all that when I left Jamie. And I couldn’t tell him I’d come back. When I first left California and arrived back in London, I was too embarrassed and ashamed.
There was no way I was going to take his pity. His I-told-you-so attitude. No, I knew he wasn’t like that, but I’d somehow convinced myself that’s what I’d hear. I wasn’t entirely sure why he’d come to mind lately.
It may sound stupid or crazy, but it had felt like I’d reached the pinnacle of some huge life-altering moment that was about to happen for me. I couldn’t pinpoint what, just something was shifting on its axis. Of course it could’ve just meant that I’d quit the porn industry and go back to working hours on end at a restaurant where assholes tipped low and expected everything. I shook my head. Yeah, that wasn’t happening.
Turning to Jordan, I took a deep breath and kissed him, aiming for passion. As much as I tried, it wasn’t working. For me anyway. He had leaned further into the kiss and cupped my balls, but I pushed him back gently.
“Ah, what about …” I was getting ready to ask him if he wanted to go for coffee or something, ludicrous as it sounded. Something other than sex.
That’s when the door had whooshed open and one of the assistants peeked her head in. “Carter, your friend Jamie is here.”
I tried not to look too shocked. It couldn’t be. How did he find me? What was he doing here? I had so many questions. I couldn’t even fathom what he must be thinking. Rubbing my face, I said, “Sure, bring him through.”
Then I realized Jordan and I were both completely naked. And hard. Fucking hell. I grabbed a towel, which was only about a quarter of the size I needed. Jordan seemed to have no qualms and moved closer to me, thinking my increasing hardness was for him.
Just then, Jamie entered. He looked the same, yet different. His facial features hadn’t changed much, but his shoulders were broader than before. I noticed his skin was tanned as I studied him with calculated interest.
The looks that crossed his face changed from astonishment to lust to anger. I wasn’t even sure about the second one. It could have been my imagination.
“You’re fucking—” he started.
Jordan chose that moment to play protector or some shit. “Fuck you. I don’t know who you are but …”
I pushed Jordan aside and whispered to him that I could handle this.
“Jamie, what do you even want?” I became defensive and angry myself. What right did he have to storm in here and act like he knew better than me.
Our voices became increasingly louder and he moved closer to me. “I can’t fucking believe you.”
“What?” I dropped the towel, pumping my cock a few times.
He looked down, staring. I don’t know what brought out the anger, but there was no way he’d have the last word.
“How did you even …” I growled and he did the same back.
Prowling closer, he kissed me roughly and then left the room. Before I knew what was happening, Jordan was sucking my cock, and I was so riled up that somehow the two had become one. I was sure it was Jamie on his knees for me. So I held his shoulders and thrust into his mouth, releasing so hard that my whole body spasmed.
“Fuck, you taste amazing,” Jordan had said, pushing me back onto the makeshift bed. “If your friend wants to join us, go get him.”
The thought of Jordan anywhere near my Jamie disgusted me. Next thing I knew, Xavier was in the room to see how the scene was going. There was no way I was mentioning Jamie’s name.
“I-I’ve got to go.” Scrambling, I ran through to the change room in the back and threw on some jogging pants. Pulling on a sweatshirt while running back out, Xavier stopped me in my tracks.
“If you leave now”—he gritted his teeth and pushed a finger into my chest—“don’t ever come back.”
I was almost relieved to hear that, more than I wanted to admit. “Fine by me,” I told him and pushed past. Running out of the room and down the long corridor to the street felt like I was moving in a long, dark tunnel—one where my Jamie was nowhere to be found.
I hit the buzzer about ten times and nothing, so I sat down on the stoop in a bundle of nerves. I stood up again as the door opened.
I couldn’t see Jamieson at all, but I didn’t care as I walked into the dark flat. “Jamie, ah …”
“Don’t call me that.” A light flicked on and I saw him in front of me with his arms crossed. He looked delectable in a navy shirt, dark jeans, and Timberland boots.
“What do you want?” he huffed out.
“I want to fucking get this over with, okay? I fucking …Well, day after tomorrow I have to go away for a month, and I can’t have this hanging over us anymore.” I paced and could smell him as I got closer. It was mesmerizing.
“And?” he questioned me.
Taking a deep breath, I said, “Fuck, Jamie …”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Okay, Jamieson, I’m fucking pissed off how we left it, so I want you to get it all out. Be mad at me, sad, angry … anything. Scream. Shout. Cry. Let’s do this so we move past it and maybe even be real friends. You won’t ever listen to me, so talk to me instead. How can I tell you what happened?”
“Oh, I know. You came back here”—he strutted over to me and stood so close we were nose to nose, or would have been except that he was about a head shorter than me—“and didn’t give a toss about me.”
My breath came out in sharp puffs. “What about how you fucking left me at Xavier’s. How about that?” My voice became louder and louder. “I’m not embarrassed I did porn, but you fucking well made up your mind, didn’t you?”
“Oh, fuck you, Carter. You don’t know anything.” If Jamison was in a cartoon, I was sure smoke would be steaming from his ears.
“Come on then, do it.” I started to strip down out of my clothing. My brain was telling me that we needed to talk like rational adults, but another part of my brain was telling me otherwise.
Jamieson was seething and it was such a turn on. “Carter, what are you doing?”
My footsteps echoed on the hardwood floor as I stepped closer to him. Looking down, I could distinctly see the hard outline of his cock behind his zipper. Good. He was turned on too.
“You”—I pointed to him—“are going to fuck me and get all of the anger, resentment, or whatever it is, out of you. We’re putting the past behind us once and for all. And then we can both move on with our lives. No more silent treatment. Maybe even become friends again.” I was panting now and my breath came out in short puffs as if I’d just ran a marathon.
His lips wobbled. “Don’t, Carter … ahh.” His disgruntlement with me moved from anger to something akin to lust as I licked the column of his neck.
Then I pulled my supplies out of the pocket in my hoodie and bent over the couch, snapping open the lube bottle and preparing myself. Why did I feel more turned on than I ever had in my life? It made no sense. I had lots of hard, quick fucks, but this was elevated. I had no idea what I was doing. Clearing my throat, I told him, “If either of us says stop, then we do.”
“Yes,” I heard in a gravelly whisper. When I turned my head, he was readying himself. Pumping that glorious cock of his, slowly.
I continued to scissor my lubed fingers in my hole and threw him a condom. He grunted as he bent down to grab it. I guess my left-handed aim throwing backwards was terrible. The floorboards creaked and I could feel sweat start to form.
“Do it, Jamieson, fuck me.” I didn’t dare move as I waited for his response. Feeling my hole clench, it wanted something inside me. Him.
My senses were heightened as I could only guess what was occurring behind me based on sounds and movement.
A breathless whisper in my ear and all I heard was “Fuck you” at the exact moment he pushed into me.
“Holy hell.” I moved my ass up to accommodate him. He’d learned some moves over the years. The pressure of his thumbs at the base of my back was sensational.
The thrusts became harder and faster. I could hear Jamieson grunting and panting. “You … why didn’t you …?” He never did finish that sentence.
I squeezed around his dick. “Talking will really have to wait.” I groaned into the leather as he pulled out and drove back in again.
“You really …” Then he stopped suddenly and slapped my ass. Hard.
Letting out a harsh moan, he lifted my legs off the ground, holding me as if I was a wheelbarrow. He was strong and it was no small feat. And fuck, if it wasn’t the hottest thing ever. I repositioned myself so my forearms were on the couch in the right position.
I wasn’t going to tell him that though. Instead, I moved my hips just so, and felt him hit that sweet spot. “That’s it. Oh, fuck.” And come poured out of me without anyone touching my dick. That had never happened before.
Heat enveloped me as I felt him release into the condom. More sweat had built up on my back and I could hear him scream into the afternoon quiet. His “Fuck, yes” rapidly changed to a grinding of teeth, as if he was pissed off. Jamieson pulled out of me suddenly, taking the condom with him and stomped off somewhere behind me.
Trying to even out my breathing with my cold come beneath me, I’d never felt more alive.
11
JAMIESON
After taking a cold shower and drying off, I stomped out and pointed Carter in the direction of it. Mainly because I needed a few moments before all hell broke loose. That was fucking hot, but absolutely not what we should have done. I had so many questions, but those could wait until later. How could something so wrong feel so right? And I wanted to do it all over again.
Taking a deep breath, I sat at the other end of the couch from our escapades and curled my legs up under my bum. He was here. He was right. We needed to get this over and done with. I knew Carter had wanted to talk since the awful night at Marshall’s party, and yet, I’d brushed him off, over and over again.
What was I scared of? Well, I wasn’t opening that can of worms. It was easier to be angry, but that wasn’t me. And I was getting annoyed with myself for losing my happy-go-lucky demeanour.
I could think of a million different reasons to be scared: rejection, heartache, loss. When I heard the shower turn off, I took a deep breath. He walked out, looking absolutely fuckable—oh wait, I’d taken care of that part.
Crossing my arms, I looked him straight in the eye. “So, start talking.”
Looking unsure for the first time since he arrived, he began, “Thanks for letting me talk. That time when you ran out of Xavier’s, I came after you, you know … to explain.”
“Oh really? Because when I came back the next day, they all acted as if they’d never heard of you. Except that sleazeball Xavier. He was happy enough to guide me into his office and explain that you were his little pet and he planned to keep you.”
Carter glanced up at me and then back down before speaking. “I can’t believe he did that. Or that you came back. I thought I’d lost you forever.”
“Wait.” I stood up and took a deep breath. “This calls for biscuits.” I left him as I walked into the kitchen and rummaged inside for the biscuits I’d bought last week. I tried not to linger too long on the fact that I’d bought my favourite, and his, the last time I’d been to the supermarket just in case he stopped by.
I marched over and handed him the chocolate Hobnobs while I bit into a double chocolate chip.
“You remembered?” He glanced at me with a half-smile and took two off the plate.
I poked at his ribs. “Still got a big appetite then?”
The cheeky smirk grew bigger and he put the cookie down, pounding at his chest as he puffed it up. “I’m a growing boy.”
I burst out laughing and couldn’t control it.
After we settled down, we ate in silence. I munched on my biscuit. Waiting. “So, continue.”
“I-look, I want to discuss this … as adults. But I’m not ashamed or embarrassed about doing porn. I won’t apologize for it. How did you, uh, find me back then, anyway?”
I stretched my arms over my head, suddenly shy. I had to remind myself who this was. Back many years ago, I could tell him anything. I did tell him anything. I cleared my throat. “Well, it was an accident really. I was watching Troy and Trevor, you know?” I glanced up to see him nodding. Of course he must know all of the other performers at the porn studio. “And I didn’t hit Stop in time. It looped to the next video.” I took a deep breath. “It was a solo show. I don’t really know why I didn’t turn it off immediately.” Licking my lips, I continued, “So, I watched for awhile, and then I saw—” Thinking of him still wearing the chain had choked me up back then, just as it had the other week when I saw it in person while we were in York.
I sat up straighter like I was in front of an army sergeant. It would help clear my head. “I couldn’t believe I was seeing you again. I was happy but pissed off too.”
“I told you, I’m not embarrassed about doing porn. It got boring, but I did love it for awhile. I won’t lie about that.”
I jumped up, pacing the room. “That’s all you can think of?” I could hear my voice raise, even as my lips quivered. I tried to give myself an internal pep talk. I wouldn’t let him get the better of me. I was over it—over him, right?
I continued to spit out venom, not looking at him but instead into the distance. “I don’t care about you doing the porn. It was fucking hot. You’re an adult and I would never dictate to you. Fuck, if you think I’m like that. No, I couldn’t—and I still can’t get over why you were back in the UK and didn’t even think to contact me. I thought and still think—not that I have any right—that you didn’t give a shit about me.” I collapsed to the floor after that outburst, sobbing. I couldn’t help it.
Warmth surrounded me like a cocoon, and I realized Carter had sat down, too, and was awkwardly hugging me. He was much taller than me so he didn’t really fit, but it felt good to me. I embraced the comfort, the feel of him again.
It felt like an eternity later, though it could have only been fifteen minutes, then I heard him speak. “I loved the sports over there but hated the schoolwork.” He elbowed me gently. “I didn’t have you helping me.” I looked over to him. His voice sounded almost as if his throat had cobwebs in it. “I couldn’t do it—stay there and continue, so I ended up coming back home. And I felt like a failure. My dad sure made his thoughts crystal clear about that. I was in deep depths of despair back then, feeling miserable and sorry for myself. Not that that’s an excuse, but I had nothing. My parents said if I came back, I had to fend for myself. I was
in a dead-end job, working hours on end as a waiter.”
There were no sounds but the fridge humming and traffic outside. It was a lot to take in. Too much. Almost. “I would have …”
He rubbed my knee. “No, don’t, Jamie. I didn’t want you to see me like that.”
My anger was lessening as I listened to him. “All these years wasted,” I whispered.
“I can hear you, you know. Not wasted. I think it made me stronger. After I came back, I became bitter and angry. I can see it now, but I couldn’t at the time.”
“Yeah, I can’t imagine it at all.” I rubbed under my eyes. “And after I found you, again?”
“This is a lot of information overload all at once. Are you sure?” Carter asked me.
“If you are, yes, I need to hear it.”
“That day. I could see so much in your eyes: emotion, resentment, sadness, too, I think. I did run after you. I don’t know what I was going to say, but I knew I had to find you. And as I was trying to chase after you, Xavier said if I left, that was it for my career with him there. I didn’t care what happened to me as long as I found you.”
Getting myself up, I pulled Jamie with me and sat back on the couch. I moved his head into my lap and rubbed his hair absently.
“And then I convinced myself that you’d think I was a loser and want nothing to do with me. I thought you’d judge me for the porn, that you’d just come to give me a big ‘Fuck you’ in person. But then, you were gone and that was that, and I was scared, I guess. I couldn’t bear to have you look down on me. To … I don’t even know. And then, when I saw you at the party.”
Carter sat up and took both my hands in his. The touch was warm and felt like coming home. I had to remove those thoughts from my mind. Just this morning, I was angry with him. Sure, my views had changed substantially, but we’d be friends, that was all. “Yeah,” I looked into his eyes. For the first time since he’d come back into my life, I could see into their depths. The truth and honesty on display.
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