20
CARTER
As the plane landed, I was so happy to get home again. My loft was not very inviting, but it was home. Even to my tired brain that made sense. But when I opened the door, all I could do was strip down and fall into bed.
After a few hours of sleep, I woke feeling disoriented. Then I remembered I was back home. It had been a few weeks, so I guess it was understandable. Checking my phone, I saw a missed call from Jamie. I had put my phone on silent to try and sleep.
“Jamie? Is everything okay?” My instincts were telling me that he needed me or was in trouble. I wasn’t entirely sure why my mind thought that, but I knew I’d be there for him.
“Yes, but can I see you? I need to talk to you.” Was it just me, or did his voice sound squeaky.
“Yeah, sure. Come by here. What time? I’m just getting up.”
“I’ll come in a couple of hours. Does that work?” The way he was asking sounded so official and overly formal.
“Uh,” I wanted to bail, but I’d already agreed. “Yes, for sure. I’ll just get up and shower. Is everything okay?” I ventured, taking a deep breath and feeling more awake than I should have felt.
“That will be your call.”
If there were ever a more cryptic message.
Stretching my arms over my head, I shifted my legs off the bed and stood up. I went to have a shower and freshen up and that helped me feel more awake. I couldn’t focus on doing one thing, and I was already dressed so no point in exercising.
I opened the fridge and closed it. My stomach growled, but for once I couldn’t face food. I tapped my fingers on the countertop. Fuck, this was torture. I knew I wouldn’t get anything done until Jamie came over. Absently, I rubbed the castle under my shirt. It felt cold on my skin, not warm and comforting as usual. That couldn’t be good.
The next two hours dragged on as if I was at an all-day event, and not an enjoyable one—something similar to a lecture on how to fold fitted sheets. All the while I could hear the clock on the wall echo with each tick.
My stomach moved in a wave like I was going to puke. But I had no food in me. So I made some toast to try and calm myself.
Maybe Jamie had some good news to share with me. Yes, I tried to convince myself, but I knew. I knew him. And the tone of his voice was lacking that usual spark. I was resigned to the fact it was bad. What if he had cancer? Or he was going to tell me that he loved that friend of his from the club—Denver or Dylan or something. But it was his life. Fuck.
Eventually I heard him at the door and I opened it before he could knock. “Come in, come in,” I said with forced joviality. I ushered him in and he paced in front of the couch. Another bad omen. I just needed the neighbour’s black cat from next door to somehow get in the window to bring me more bad luck. After all, it comes in threes people always say.
Then I took a moment to look at Jamie. He looked as worried as me. I stopped his pacing and hugged him. He sank into my touch and didn’t shove me off, so maybe it wouldn’t be all bad. Leaning my head on the top of his, I just held him a moment.
He let out a sigh then stepped back and sat down, pulling me down beside him. Taking my hand in his, he rubbed over my knuckles. The room was silent except for some noise outside. I merely waited.
“Carter.” He looked up at me with such compassion and honesty in his eyes. “I want you. Us.”
“I’m here,” I said. And it sounded rather foolish even in my own mind.
“No, look, I love you. I want everything. Highs. Lows. I want to be boyfriends.” Then Jamie let out a gasp of air as if he’d just let out the biggest news of his life, or he’d been carrying the weight of the world, and now it was lifted.
I, on the other hand, was having a meltdown or a midlife crisis. I imagined a large question mark over my head like people had a lightbulb when they came up with a brilliant idea in cartoons. Frozen on the spot, I tried to listen to what he was saying.
“And you and me, we’re good together, great together … see where things go … maybe even …” His eyes were lighting up as he spoke.
Why wasn’t he freaked out like me, I wondered. Taking a deep breath, I tried to think rationally, but no thoughts were making themselves known. I frowned at that then opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
It was too much to take in: this was Jamie, the only one I’d ever really cared for, but I didn’t know how to do what he was asking, how to be that. I was happy. Fucking happy. Fucking. And happy. Sure, we had that day at the beach, but that was one day. I didn’t want to hear him farting or snoring, did I?
I pushed my hands through my hair and started to cry. I wasn’t sure what for. What was lost maybe? Surely for that. But something else. An overwhelming sense of fear that reached my depths. It wasn’t the fear of losing him, it was the fear of having him and not being enough.
I had no idea how much time had passed, but when I looked up, he was gone. Fuck. I ran to the door and down the stairs, jumping like a stuntman off the second step from the top. To anyone watching, probably more like a newborn giraffe.
“Jamie!” I called again, “Jamie,” as I walked in the middle of the street, lucky there were no vehicles. This wasn’t like any model photoshoot. I bent down and cried in my arms and then I pulled out my phone.
“Marshall. Is Jamie there?” I’d moved to the stairs outside my loft. “I need to find him. I think I fucked up. Badly.”
“Be right over,” I heard him say—
—Just as I said, “No.” Pulling my phone from my ear, I saw he’d hung up. Great. I continued to sit on the stoop, staring out at the passersby going about their life, not realizing how my own had been flipped on its head.
“Carter,” someone was saying my name in the distance. Why was my head buzzing and the word echoing around me.
“It’s me, Marshall. Get up.” He pulled my arms up and I followed on autopilot into my house.
“Where’s Stuart?” I asked stupidly. “And Jamie. Is he with Jamie?”
“I don’t know exactly. I told Stuart I was coming over to you and that you’d asked where Jamie is. What happened?”
I lay down on the couch, not even caring that there wasn’t really anywhere for him to sit and let out a sigh, throwing my arms over my face. He came over and lifted my legs up, stretching them under me. “Come on, it can’t be that bad.”
“Oh, it’s that bad. Worse actually. Jamie told me he wants me. Wants everything with me. Boyfriends.” I moved my arms and opened one eye, looking suspiciously at Marshall. Then I sat up.
“Oh Carter, I’m sorry.” He rubbed my back. “Do you, ah, want that with him?”
“Yes. I don’t know. He’s … he was my everything. Can someone have that twice in a lifetime? And my biggest fear is I’ll fuck up and not be the boyfriend he deserves. I’m a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants type of guy. Hell, I don’t even think I’ve ever dated. But with everything I tell myself, I still go back to the fact that I would … for him.”
“You fucker. That was beautiful. Don’t make me cry.” He wiped a tear away.
“I froze though. Jamie ran out before I could form any words. He thinks I don’t want him, that I don’t want a relationship with him. And I know I’ll fuck up. That’s a guarantee.”
“Look at me,” Marshall said, his tone serious. “We all fuck up. I was the king of fucking up with Stuart. Still am, probably. But you both learn and you …”
I let out a choked sob and held on to my chain. The one thing that had been constant all these years.
“Now, now, Carter. It’s okay, whatever happens.”
“This. He gave it to me, you know, before I left for America. I-I kept it with me always.”
Marshall remained silent but let me know with his eyes that he was there for me.
“I dreamed of him sometimes. But it was like a pipe dream or a fantasy. This was years ago, you know. I’d put Jamie on a pedestal, like something I could never ever have again. And then the party with yo
ur mum and seeing him and all the stuff that’s happened … I love him.” It just came out. I didn’t even know what I was saying. I clasped my hands over my mouth. “I can’t, no, I don’t, not love love … like you and Stuart.”
Marshall burst out laughing.
“Fuck you, man.”
Marshall moved his face as if the muscles were separated from his skin and tried to stop the laughing. “I know you do. It’s okay. I promise.”
I said the words again. “I. Love. Him.” And then more quickly. “I love him.”
“Well, go get him.”
“No, I really fucked up. What if he never wants to see me again? Look at the last time. After your party—it took days. Why am I such an ass?”
“You can be …”
I pushed my hand over Marshall’s mouth. “Rhetorical question.” I paced the floor, nervous and excited all in one. “I’ll need your help and probably Stuart’s too. I have a plan.”
21
JAMIESON
I ran and ran down the road to get as far away from Carter as I could. I knew this was a possibility, but it was too raw and real to understand or accept right now. Not paying much attention, I ended up at a park near the river. Finding a bench, I sat, staring into space. People strolled by: families, some with dogs, as children laughed. It was a beautiful day. I didn’t know their stories and they didn’t know mine.
I needed to spend a few moments to reflect. It would take time but I could get back to the carefree me again, the life-of-the-party Jamieson who everyone knew before, yet the tears falling down my face told a different story.
“Jamieson. Jamieson,” a voice called to me.
Looking up, I saw it was Stuart.
“What-what’re you doing here?” I asked. Looking up to the sky, it had turned darker. I absently wondered how long I’d been sitting here thinking and staring into space.
“I could ask you the same question. I searched everywhere and you aren’t answering your phone.”
“My phone,” I said as if just realizing I owned one.
“Yes,” he said sounding aggravated, “the thing you are supposed to use.”
“Sorry. It’s over, Stuart. For me and Carter. Don’t worry, I won’t make it awkward to hang out and see you or for you to see him.”
“Don’t worry about us, but what about you two? What happened exactly?”
I patted the seat beside me, letting him know he could sit down. “I told him, I want it all with him: highs, lows, to be boyfriends.”
“And he said …” he prompted me.
“Well, nothing. He just kind of sat there frozen on the spot.” And then Stuart punched me. “What?” Rubbing at my arm, I looked over at him.
“Please tell me you talked to him. You didn’t just run away, did you?”
“He was about to say no. I saw it in his eyes. I love him, and I thought I could take it, you know, to hear the rejection. Of course I knew it was a possibility, but in that moment, I couldn’t bear to hear the words leave his mouth. Stupid, I know.” I pushed my hands through my hair and leaned forward.
“Okay, well, get up. Come with me.” He pulled my hand and walked so briskly that I felt like I was almost running.
“Where? What?” We got in a cab and I had no idea what was going on. Oh well. Whatever. Maybe there’d be ice cream. So I just sat in the back looking miserable. Stuart didn’t say much.
We arrived at a historic looking building I’d never been to before. I wasn’t even sure what part of London we’d arrived in. It looked like it could be a … I let out a sigh. “What is this, Stuart? Damien isn’t expecting us, is he? I’m not in the mood to party.”
“No. Listen.” At the door, he turned me to face him and waited until I looked at him. “I’m always here for you. Now just trust me. Go in there and don’t look back.”
He opened a door that I would have missed if it wasn’t for the small handle and practically shoved me inside like I was a little kid being made to go to into the dentist’s office.
Inside was quite dark but for lots and lots of fairy lights across the walls and roof. They sparkled and while it was simple, it was perfect. Taking a few steps into the middle of the room, I saw a table was set up. It was a picnic table.
Looking around, I tried to see who else was here to figure out what was going on, and for a moment I wondered if I had interrupted something and was in the wrong place. And then it started playing: “Another One Rides The Bus” by Weird Al Yankovic.
My terrible mood changed to laughter. What a blast from the past! Only one person could be hiding somewhere in here.
The track and field team had been having a bowling night out. Carter had insisted it was fine that I came. It was pretty busy when we’d gotten there.“Come on, Jamie.” He’d leaned into me in the little alcove we’d found between two buildings near the park we always played frisbee at. “It’ll be fun. You can be on my team and we’ll surprise them all by kicking their arses.”
I’d pulled him close and wrapped my arms round his waist. “Well, when you put it that way,” I murmured. “How can I resist.”
Thank god I was put on a team with Carter and two other guys I didn’t know. We made small talk but I was ready for the game to start. I stayed close by Carter. It was difficult not to reach out and touch him, but I knew we’d have time for that later.
I smiled coyly as he boasted to his track buddies about how good I was at bowling. The first game started and there were other teams in lanes next to us. I tried to bowl my best, and after three games our team was in the lead.
After awhile, Carter and I got a bit goofy when he began to bowl like a kid, taking the ball in both hands and throwing it down the lane from between his legs. Then I turned backwards to the lane and tried the same thing.
“Can’t you guys be serious,” Jay, the hurdles guy, said as he witnessed our shenanigans.
“Where’s the fun in that?” I quipped.
Carter laughed at my side. I looked at him and held his gaze for probably a moment too long. Glancing back to Jay, I could tell by the look of disapproval on his face that he was about to say something only a complete asshole would. His nose flared and his mouth took on a disgusted frown.
So I did the only thing I could do. As they put the lights down and the music started again, I fell forward to create a commotion. Like I needed that asshole ruining our night, and I didn’t want him saying anything bad to Carter.
My hand hit the back of a chair and I moved one ankle in front of the other, quite sure I could handle it myself. Instead, the momentum sent me flying forward and I almost hit my head on the edge of the table.
Carter managed to pick me up, and with the way he ended up grasping me, he’d turned me and scooped me up like a man would in a romcom as he carried his bride over the threshold. He must have had the same thought as he looked down into my eyes.
“Ah, be right back,” he told the others. He dropped my legs with a thud and pulled me out of the main bowling area and into a corner. He was all giggles and smiles. It was infectious. “This is our song now,” he said.
“What, Weird Al? No way. You’ve got to be kidding.”
“Yep, I whisked you away back there. Now let’s get back to the game.”
I stood there laughing and couldn’t believe he’d remembered. From a far corner, Carter appeared. He looked about as unkempt and emotionally exhausted as I felt, and yet utterly handsome. I admired him from head to toe and he went from slowly walking to breaking into some weird robot move.
“What the hell is that?” I smiled at him. “Also, hey … this song though?” I pointed at the ceiling even though the music was coming from somewhere to the side. He was in front of me now. “You remembered.” I looked up at him, happy yet partly in wonder.
Carter pulled me in for a hug. “Yes. Yes, I did.”
“Well, aren’t you going to pick me up like before?”
“Does that mean you’re going to bail? No, I think we should skip that.”
“Well, you are an old man now.”
“Hey!” He bent down to kiss me. It was loving and warm and perfect. Then the song stopped. He pushed one hand through my hair, and I let out a sigh as his thumb brushed across my face. “Jamieson. I’ve never done a relationship. I’m terrible at lots of things. But please, if you’ll have me …” He trailed off.
I looked into his eyes and moved in for a kiss. Slowly his mouth opened to mine and my tongue delved inside to explore. Closing my eyes, I melted into the kiss—into him. As we parted, I brushed my thumb along my lip. “Carter, it’s always been you.”
I had to move to up on my tiptoes when he lowered to lean his forehead on mine. Then I pressed against his chest and he spoke above me. “I’m sorry I froze. It took me by surprise. I was worried, I am worried about a lot of things. But it’s worth it. No, take that back. You’re worth it. My Jamie.”
A tear fell down my face at his declaration. He wiped it from my cheek. Then a waterfall erupted as if it was a leaking tap that wouldn’t stop.
“Hey, now,” he said, “don’t cry.”
“It’s okay. Believe me. It’s happy crying. I was—I am overwhelmed too, but in the best possible way.”
His arms wrapped around me like a cocoon, making me feel safe and secure. We stood like that for a long time, just enjoying being in each other’s arms.
“Now, another surprise …”
“Wait,” I said. “I want to clear everything up. I’m sorry I ran off like that. It was all on me. I was scared of your answer and that you were about to say no. I—”
“Jamie. It’s all okay. It is. You did what you needed to in the moment. But promise me that next time we’ll talk. Don’t run away, even if it’s bad.”
I bit my lip and felt so happy. “Deal.”
“Now one more surprise.” He walked behind me and covered my eyes. “Do you remember what we ate that night?”
Carter (Mayfair Model Series Book 2) Page 16