by Edward Albee
LESLIE
Is that what they were?
SARAH
We observed them, though, and they had young with them; young! And it was most interesting: the young would attach themselves to what I assume was the female—the mother—would attach themselves to devices that I think were very much like those of yours; resemble them.
NANCY
Of course! To the mammaries! Oh, Sarah, those were whales, for whales are mammals and they feed their young.
SARAH
Do you remember, Leslie?
LESLIE (Nods)
Yes, I think I do.
(To NANCY)
And you have those? That’s what you have?
NANCY
Yes; well … very much like them … In principle.
LESLIE
My gracious.
CHARLIE (To clear the air; brisk)
Do you, uh … do you have any children? Any young?
SARAH (Laughs gaily)
Well, of course I have! Hundreds!
CHARLIE
Hundreds!
SARAH
Certainly; I’m laying eggs all the time.
CHARLIE (A pause)
You … lay eggs.
SARAH
Certainly! Right and left.
(A pause)
NANCY
Well.
LESLIE (Eyes narrowed)
You, uh … you don’t lay eggs, hunh?
CHARLIE (Incredulous)
No; of course not!
LESLIE (Exploding)
There! You see?! What did I tell you?! They don’t even lay eggs!
NANCY
(Trying to save the situation)
How many … uh … eggs have you laid, Sarah?
SARAH (Thinks about it for a bit)
Seven thousand?
NANCY (Admonishing)
Oh! Sarah!
SARAH
No?
NANCY
Well, I dare say! Yes! But, really!
SARAH
I’m sorry?
NANCY
No! Never that!
CHARLIE
(To LESLIE, with some awe)
Seven thousand! Really?
LESLIE
(Gruff; the usual husband)
Well, I don’t know. I mean …
NANCY
What do you do with them, Sarah? How do you take care of them?
SARAH
Well … they just … float away.
NANCY (Chiding)
Oh, Sarah!
SARAH
Some get eaten—by folk passing by, which is a blessing, really, or we’d be inundated—some fall to the bottom, some catch on growing things; there’s a disposition.
NANCY
Still!
SARAH
Why? What do you do with them?
NANCY (Looks at her nails briefly)
It’s different with us, Sarah. In the birthing, I mean; I don’t know about … well, how you go about it!
SARAH (Shy)
Well … we couple.
LESLIE
Shhh!
NANCY
Yes; I thought. And so do we.
SARAH (Relieved)
Oh; good. And then—in a few weeks—
NANCY
Oh, it takes a lot longer for us, Sarah: nine months.
SARAH
Nine months! Leslie!
LESLIE
Wow!
SARAH
Nine months.
NANCY
And then the young are born. Is born … usually.
SARAH
Hm?
NANCY
Is. We usually have one, Sarah. One at a time. Oh, two, occasionally; rarely three or more.
SARAH (Commiserating)
Oh, Nancy!
LESLIE (To CHARLIE)
If you have only one or two, what if they’re washed away, or eaten? I mean, how do you … perpetuate?
NANCY (Gay laugh)
That never happens. We keep them with us … till they’re all grown up and ready for the world.
SARAH
How long is that?
CHARLIE
Eighteen … twenty years.
LESLIE
You’re not serious!
NANCY
Oh, we are!
LESLIE
You can’t be.
CHARLIE (Defensive)
Why not?!
LESLIE
Well … I mean … think about it.
CHARLIE (Does)
Well … it is a long time, I suppose, but there’s no other way for it.
NANCY
Just as you let them float away, or get caught on things; there’s no other way for it.
SARAH
How many have you birthed?
NANCY
Three.
LESLIE
Pfft!
SARAH
(Still with the wonder of that)
Only three.
NANCY
Of course, there’s another reason we keep them with us.
SARAH
Oh? What is that?
NANCY (Puzzled at her question)
Well … we love them.
(Pause)
LESLIE
Pardon?
CHARLIE
We love them.
LESLIE
Explain.
CHARLIE
What?
LESLIE
What you said.
CHARLIE
We said we love them.
LESLIE
Yes; explain.
CHARLIE (Incredulous)
What love means?!
NANCY (To SARAH)
Love? Love is one of the emotions.
(They look at her, waiting)
One of the emotions, Sarah.
SARAH (After a tiny pause)
But, what are they?!
NANCY (Becoming impatient)
Well, you must have them. You must have emotions.
LESLIE (Quite impatient)
We may, or we may not, but we’ll never know unless you define your terms. Honestly, the imprecision! You’re so thoughtless!
CHARLIE (Miffed)
Well, we’re sorry!
LESLIE
You have to make allowances!
CHARLIE
All right!!
LESLIE
Just … thoughtless.
CHARLIE
All right!
SARAH
Help us, Nancy.
NANCY (To SARAH and LESLIE)
Hatred. Apprehension. Loss. Love.
(Pause)
Nothing?
(A bedtime story)
We keep them with us because they need us to; and we feel possessive toward them, and grateful, and proud …
CHARLIE (Ironic)
And lots of other words describing emotions. You can’t do that, Nancy; it doesn’t help.
NANCY (Annoyed)
Then you do it! And when we get back home, I’m packing up and taking a good long trip. Alone. I’ve been married to you far too smoothly for far too long.
CHARLIE (To LESLIE)
That’s an example of emotion: frustration, anger …
NANCY (To herself)
I’m too old to have an affair.
(Pause)
No, I’m not.
(Pause)
Yes, I am.
CHARLIE (Chuckling)
Oh, come on, Nancy.
(To LESLIE and SARAH)
Maybe I can do it. How did you two get together? How’d ya meet?
LESLIE
Well, I was just going along, one day, minding my own business …
SARAH
Oh, Leslie!
(To CHARLIE)
I was reaching my maturity, and so, naturally, a lot of males were paying attention to me—milling around—you know, preening and snapping at each other and generally showing off, and I noticed one was hanging around a little distanc
e away, not joining in with the others …
LESLIE
That was me.
SARAH
… and I didn’t pay too much attention to him, because I thought he was probably sickly or something, and besides, there were so many others, and it was time to start coupling …
LESLIE
You noticed me.
SARAH
… when, all of a sudden! There he was, right in the middle of them, snapping away, really fighting, driving all the others off. It was quite a rumpus.
LESLIE (An aside, to CHARLIE)
They didn’t amount to much.
SARAH (Shrugs)
And so … all the others drifted away … and there he was.
LESLIE
They didn’t drift away: I drove them away.
SARAH
Well, I suppose that’s true.
(Bright)
Show them your scar, Leslie!
(To CHARLIE and NANCY)
Leslie has a marvelous scar!
LESLIE (Proud)
Oh … some other time.
SARAH
And there he was … and there I was … and here we are.
CHARLIE
Well, yes! That proves my point!
LESLIE
What?
CHARLIE (Pause)
About love.
(Pause)
He loved you.
SARAH
Yes?
CHARLIE
Well, yes. He drove the others away so he could have you. He wanted you.
SARAH
(As if what CHARLIE has said proves nothing)
Ye-es?
CHARLIE
Well … it’s so clear. Nancy, isn’t it clear?
NANCY
I don’t know. Don’t talk to me; you’re a terrible person.
CHARLIE
(Under his breath)
Oh, for God’s sake! Leslie! Why did you want Sarah?
LESLIE
Well, as I told you: I was just going along one day, minding my own business, and there was this great commotion, with all the others around her, and so I decided I wanted her.
CHARLIE
(Losing, but game)
Didn’t you think she was … pretty—or whatever?
LESLIE
I couldn’t really see, with all the others hovering. She smelled all right.
CHARLIE
Have you ever, you know, coupled with anyone else since you met Sarah?
NANCY
Charlie!
LESLIE
(Pause; too defensive)
Why should I?
CHARLIE (Smiles)
Just asking.
(Patient)
Is that your nature? Not to go around coupling whenever you feel like it, whatever female strikes your fancy?
SARAH (Fascinated)
Very interesting.
LESLIE (To shut her up)
It is not!
(To CHARLIE)
I’ve coupled in my time.
CHARLIE
Since you met Sarah?
LESLIE
I’m not going to answer that.
SARAH (Hurt)
You have?
CHARLIE
No; he means he hasn’t. And he’s embarrassed by it. What about you, Sarah? Have you been with anyone since Leslie?
LESLIE
Of course she hasn’t!
NANCY
What an awful question to ask Sarah! You should be ashamed of yourself!
CHARLIE
It’s not an awful question at all.
NANCY
It is! It’s dreadful! Of course she hasn’t.
CHARLIE (Annoyed)
What standards are you using? How would you know?
NANCY (Up on her high horse)
I just know.
CHARLIE
Things might be different, you know …
(Gestures vaguely around)
… down … there. I don’t think it’s dreadful at all.
SARAH (To NANCY and CHARLIE)
The truth of the matter is: no, I haven’t.
LESLIE
What are you getting at?!
CHARLIE
It’s hard to explain!
LESLIE
Apparently.
CHARLIE
Especially to someone who has no grasp of conceptual matters, who hasn’t heard of half the words in the English language, who lives on the bottom of the sea and has green scales!
LESLIE
Look, buddy …!
SARAH NANCY
Leslie … Now you two boys just …
CHARLIE (Half to himself)
Might as well be talking to a fish.
LESLIE
(Really angry; starts toward CHARLIE)
That does it!
NANCY
Charlie! Look out! Sarah, stop him!
SARAH (Stamps her paw)
Leslie! You be nice!
LESLIE (To SARAH)
He called me a fish!
SARAH
He did not!
NANCY
No he didn’t; not quite. He said he might as well.
LESLIE
Same thing.
CHARLIE
(A glint in his eye)
Oh? What’s the matter with fish?
NANCY (Sotto voce)
Calm down, Charlie …
CHARLIE (Persisting)
What’s the matter with fish, hunh?
SARAH
Be good, Leslie …
LESLIE
(On his high horse—so to speak)
We just don’t think very highly of fish, that’s all.
CHARLIE
(Seeing a triumph somewhere)
Oh? You don’t like fish, hunh?
NANCY
Now, both of you!
CHARLIE
What’s the matter with fish all of a sudden?
LESLIE
(Real middle class, but not awful)
For one thing, there’re too many of them; they’re all over the place … racing around, darting in front of you, picking at everything … moving in, taking over where you live … and they’re stupid!
SARAH (Shy)
Not all of them; porpoises aren’t stupid.
LESLIE (Still wound up)
All right! Except for porpoises … they’re stupid!
(Thinks about it some more)
And they’re dirty!
CHARLIE
(Mouth opens in amazement and delight)
You’re … you’re prejudiced! Nancy, he’s … You’re a bigot!
(Laughs)
You’re a goddamn bigot!
LESLIE (Dangerous)
Yeah? What’s that?
NANCY
Be careful, Charlie.
LESLIE (Not amused)
What is that?
CHARLIE
What? A bigot?
LESLIE
I don’t know. Is that what you said?
CHARLIE (Right on with it)
A bigot is somebody who thinks he’s better than somebody else because they’re different.
LESLIE (Brief pause; anger defused)
Oh; well, then; that’s all right. I’m not what you said. It’s not because they’re different: it’s because they’re stupid and they’re dirty and they’re all over the place!
CHARLIE
(Parody of studying and accepting)
Oh. Well. That’s all right, then.
NANCY (Wincing some)
Careful, Charlie.
LESLIE
(Absorbed with his own words)
Being different is … interesting; there’s nothing implicitly inferior or superior about it. Great difference, of course, produces natural caution; and if the differences are too extreme … well, then, reality tends to fade away.
NANCY (An aside; to CHARLIE)
And so much for conceptual matters.
CHARLIE
(Dismissing
it with bravado)
Ooooooooh, he probably read it somewhere.
SARAH
(Looks at the sky, and about her, expansively)
My! It is quite something out here, isn’t it? You can see! So very far!
(She sees birds with some consternation)
What are those?
(LESLIE sees them. Tenses. Does an intake of breath)
NANCY (looking up)
Birds. Those are birds, Sarah.
(LESLIE in reaction to the birds starts moving up the dune)
SARAH
Leslie! Leslie!
(LESLIE continues to move to top of the dune; growling)
NANCY
What’s he doing?
SARAH
He’s …
(Shrugs)
… well, he does it everywhere we go, so why not up here? He checks things out, makes sure a way is open for us …
CHARLIE
It’s called instinct.
SARAH
(Polite, but not terribly interested)
Oh? Is it.
CHARLIE (Nods; quite happy)
Instinct.
SARAH
Well, this isn’t the sort of situation we run into every day, and … creatures do tend to be devious; you don’t know what’s going to happen from one minute to the next …
NANCY
Certainly, certainly. Will he be all right? I mean …
SARAH
Oh, certainly. He’s kind and he’s a good mate, and when he tells me what we’re going to do, I find I can live with it quite nicely. And you?
NANCY
Uh … well, we manage rather like that I guess.
SARAH (Rapt)
Oh, my goodness; see them up there! How they go!
CHARLIE
Seagulls.
SARAH
Sea … gulls.
(Still absorbed)
The wonder of it! What holds them up?
CHARLIE (Shy, but helpful)
Aerodynamics.
SARAH (Still enraptured)
Indeed.
NANCY
Oh really, Charlie.
CHARLIE (Feelings hurt)
Well, it is.
SARAH (To HIM)
Oh, I wasn’t doubting it.
(Attention back to the birds)
See them swim!
CHARLIE
(More sure of himself now)
Fly, they fly; birds fly.
SARAH (Watching the birds)
The rays are rather like that: swimming about; what do you call it—flying. Funny creatures; shy, really; don’t give that impression, though; stand-offish, rather curt.
NANCY
Rays. Yes; well, we know them.
SARAH (Pleased)
Do you!
CHARLIE
Nancy means we’ve seen them; photographs.
SARAH
What is that?
CHARLIE
Photographs? It’s a … no, I’d better not try.
SARAH (Coquettish)
Something I shouldn’t know? Something you could tell Leslie but not me?
NANCY (Laughs)
Heavens, no!
SARAH
I mean, I am a married woman.
CHARLIE (Surprised)
Do you do that? I mean, do you …? I don’t know what I mean.
NANCY
Charlie! Just think what we can tell our children and our grandchildren: that we were here when Sarah saw it all!