by Nikki Ashton
“Not just mine,” I added. “It’s Maisie’s too.”
Elijah nodded and took the buggy from me as we were at the junction where we needed to go in different directions.
“You told me once not to live a life of regret because, and I think your words were, it’s a dark shit hole of a place, which means you know what regret feels like. If this is it,” he said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “If this is your regret, then do something about it. Talk to Maisie and see if you can get to know your son.”
I shook my head and opened my mouth, but Elijah wouldn’t let me speak.
“No, just hear me out. If you want to have a relationship with him, speak to Maisie. Whatever you decided before he was born may not be what’s best for any of you now. Things change, people change, so don’t think you’ve got to keep to those choices. I know what it’s like to live half a life, to think you’re living the one you want when it’s far from it and you’re right it is a shit hole of a place. I hate that I hurt Mia, but I honestly thought I loved her, it just took Amy coming back for me to realise it wasn’t enough. Don’t make that mistake, Sam. Don’t leave it until someone gets hurt before you admit the truth to yourself.”
My brother pulled me in for a hug and then with a squeeze of my shoulder strode off in the direction of his brother-in-law’s house, leaving me wishing I’d kept my secret to myself, because if nothing else, my damn brother spoke sense from time to time.
Samuel
the past
I approached the table where Maisie was sitting in the coffee shop and could see straight away that she was totally fucking stressed about something.
She was chewing on a thumbnail and her eyes were firmly fixed on her mobile on the table – probably waiting for me to text her that I wasn’t coming. Despite the frown lines on her forehead though, I had to admit she looked beautiful. Her long blonde hair was cascading over her shoulders, curtaining her perky tits in a tight green V-neck jumper, evoking all sorts of thoughts. Memories of our night together flooded back and a small voice in the depths of my brain told me I should ask her for another chance – take her out and stop using Elijah as an excuse for being a cowardly shit.
When I’d almost reached the table, she looked up, her pretty brown eyes spotting me. Instantly she stiffened and I saw her draw in a breath before giving me a wary smile.
“Hey,” Maisie said, pulling out a chair for me. “Thanks for coming.”
When her gaze darted around the room, as I took a seat, dread filled my stomach. This was about what I had dismissed so easily, because like a knob head, I’d thought we’d be safe and it couldn’t possibly happen to me.
“Fuck,” I muttered, rubbing a hand down my face.
Maisie’s head whipped around and startled eyes stared at me.
“What?” she asked around rapid breaths.
I looked at her for a long moment, trying to search for something in her face that told me I was wrong, that this meeting was all about her wanting us to try and be a couple. Unfortunately, no matter how carefully my eyes scrutinised her, I could see nothing but fear, anxiety, and stress. It could have meant anything, but it was the sparkle in her wary eyes and the pinkness of her cheeks that proved to me I was right – I’d seen the signs before.
“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” I groaned.
Maisie’s mouth dropped open as she nodded slowly.
“Fuck.” A cold sweat ran over me as I watched Maisie’s face crumple and tears spring to her eyes.
“I have no idea how it happened,” she whispered.
I reached across the table for her hand, not sure whether it was to comfort her or myself, I just knew I needed to do it. This couldn’t be happening to me. I was always so damn careful. It didn’t matter if the girl was on contraception, I never ever went without a condom.
“It’s fine,” I said and then closed my eyes as I shook my head. “Obviously it’s not fucking fine, I mean it’s not your fault. We were both there. Fuck.”
My head dropped to the table and Maisie moved her hand from mine, laying her tiny cool palm on top of my huge one.
“I just don’t know how it happened,” she said close to my ear. “I’m on the pill and we used a condom. It’s impossible.”
My head lifted slowly and I looked up at her.
“My sperm is obviously as good a swimmer as I am,” I deadpanned, not really finding anything funny about the situation. Seemingly, neither did Maisie because her face was impassive. “You’ve not forgotten to take it?”
Maisie shook her head. “No, the only thing I can think of is I had some antibiotics for a chest infection a few weeks ago, but otherwise…” She shrugged and made a little whimpering sound.
“But we used a condom,” I stressed again, still unable to fathom what had happened.
“Have you had them a while? Is there an expiry date on condoms?”
I had no idea, but Maisie had made a good point, I’d left the packet of condoms in my old room when I left home to share with Amy and Elijah and I wasn’t sure how long I’d had them before that because I just didn’t take girls back to Mum and Dad’s house.
“Whatever the reason, it happened,” I replied, sitting up straight. “So, what next?”
I held my breath, not sure what I wanted to hear coming from Maisie’s mouth, because I couldn’t deny that a very small bit of that same excitement I’d felt when Ali had told me she was pregnant was there, but as images and memories of the day when Ali gave birth pushed to the forefront of my brain, dread quickly washed it away.
“It is -.”
“Yes,” Maisie snapped, pushing back in her seat. “I told you, I hadn’t been with anyone for ages.”
I let out a breath and rubbed a hand down my face. “Yeah, I know, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to get my head around it.”
“Yes, well that makes two of us,” she hissed. “And don’t think I want anything from you, I don’t. I just thought you should know.”
I nodded and while a silence fell over us, I once again let my mind wander back into that black day that hardened me against beautiful, sweet women like Maisie.
I knew she wasn’t like Alison, but who would blame me for wondering and wanting to be sure. I’d been prepared to face anything for that woman, to give up my dreams of swimming for my country and get myself a decent job to support her and our baby. I’d even been prepared to cut my family out of my life if they wouldn’t accept her, but all those sacrifices were immaterial because she’d lied to me and made me believe in a fucking fairy tale.
“I’m not getting rid of it.” Maisie’s voice was small and timid, evidently she was scared that I was going to argue with her, but I would never force her to do anything.
“I don’t expect you to, if it’s not what you want,” I replied, leaning forward to emphasise my point. “I’m not cruel Maisie, it’s-.”
“It’s just that this isn’t what you want.”
Taking a second before answering, I took in a deep breath and then let it out slowly.
“No, it isn’t, but I’ll support you and the baby financially. I’m not sure I can offer you much else.”
“Okay.” She swallowed and looked up at the ceiling.
“I’m sorry.”
Maisie’s gaze came back to my face and she gave me a small smile. “I didn’t expect you to get down on one knee and propose, Sam. I also didn’t expect you to jump around with excitement. I knew that this would probably be the outcome, I hoped though that you might want some involvement in your child’s life.”
“I can’t Maisie. It’s not me and I know that makes me look like the biggest shit on the planet, but you’ll be glad I’m not around to let him or her down, honestly you will.”
She looked unsure, but smiled anyway.
“You’re probably right. As for supporting the baby, you don’t need to, we’ll be fine.”
I shook my head. “Nope, no way. I’m doing it, even if you choose to put the money away for their univ
ersity, or their wedding, or whatever, I’m going to contribute.” So, it would take me longer to save the money to buy the business from Hazel, but I was sure she’d be okay to hang on a little while longer. “I guess we should consult a solicitor.”
“You think so? Can’t we do it between ourselves?” Maisie chewed at her lip and I almost reached up a hand to stop her. Her lips were perfectly shaped- a deep pink and far too pretty to be chewed.
Instead, I pulled my hands away from the table and stuffed them into the pockets of my jeans.
“I’d rather we get something official written up,” I replied. “I want you to feel secure financially.”
I heaved out a breath as Maisie watched me. Her brown eyes warily searching my face and I wished I wasn’t so closed off to having a relationship with her, but I couldn’t allow myself to be distracted from my aspirations again. I couldn’t put myself in a position where I might end up feeling torn apart again. I wanted to buy the business and nothing was going to stop me.
“Because?” she asked.
“Because, that’s all I can give you. I’m sorry. I have things I want to do; I want to buy my boss out. Nothing can distract me from that and I don’t want to be a dad.”
Pressing her lips together, Maisie nodded and then reached down for her bag with one hand, while the other felt behind for her jacket on the back of the seat.
“Okay,” she said, pushing to the edge of her chair. “If you want to get something organised, I’ll do whatever needs doing – I don’t know, sign papers, organise my own solicitor – just let me know.”
“Will do,” I replied, my voice flat.
“You’ve got my number, from the note?”
I nodded. “Did you save mine from my text?”
Maisie looked at her phone and nodded before she dropped her phone into her bag and stood up.
“I’ll be in touch,” she said as she pulled on her jacket. “Unless…well unless you don’t want to know, or…”
“Yes, that’s fine,” I interjected seeing she felt uncomfortable. “Keep me updated and I’ll let you know about the solicitor thing.”
She nodded, gave me a small smile and was gone, leaving me to wonder why I hadn’t stormed out or called her a liar like I’d always thought I would if ever a girl gave me that news again. I felt surprisingly calm, despite what I’d just found out. There was definitely a sense of fear within me for what this might mean for my future, but knowing that Maisie was being sensible and cool about everything helped. All I had to do was decide whether to tell my parents and my brother who was in his own pit of hell.
Maisie
the present
As soon as I let myself into my parents’ house, Frankie shot past me and down the hallway into the lounge.
“Grandad,” he yelled at the top of his voice. “I’m going to be in the school play.”
Mum popped her head out from Dad’s little study and grinned. “Was that whirlwind my grandson?”
“He’s a little excited,” I replied, taking off my coat and hanging it on the coat rack. “He got a part in the school production of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.”
“Wow.” Mum came into the hall and gave me a hug. “That’s ambitious.”
“I know, but they’re not doing a Christmas play this year so they can put all their efforts into it.”
“Your dad will be disappointed, he always enjoys the Christmas play.”
“He’s got three months to get used to it.”
I followed Mum to the kitchen, shouting a hello to Dad as we passed the lounge. Immediately I went over to the sink and picked up a potato and a knife. “How many do you want me to peel?” I asked.
“Ooh about six, I’d say. Libby and I are off the carbs,” Mum announced.
“Again?” I asked, wondering how long it would last this time. My mum and my sister had tried every diet known to man and it was a different one each week. No carbs though had been done at least twice before.
“Hmm,” she replied, examining a bag of carrots. “That woman off the telly is doing it and she’s lost ten pounds.”
“Which woman?”
“You know the big lady, the one with beautiful, long red hair.”
I had no idea who she was talking about, but gave a murmur of recognition anyway.
“What is it for tea, anyway?” I asked, thinking it was probably best not to get into the whys and wherefores of Mum and Libby’s latest fad.
“Homemade steak pie.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but changed my mind. I was too het up about the fact that Frankie had another lesson with Sam the following day and Josh had been a total and utter prick earlier, accidently wiping all Frankie’s music from his iPod. I was pretty sure he’d done it on purpose because he’d caught Frankie listening to music at gone ten the night before when he should have been asleep. Josh said he’d been updating the software for him, but I wasn’t that stupid. Luckily, my dad had backed everything up on his computer for Frankie, so after dinner I’d get him to reload it again. Unfortunately, the promise that his grandad would be able to do that, hadn’t stopped Frankie from throwing a real temper tantrum at the time – earning himself another lecture from Josh.
“I take it Josh didn’t want to come,” Mum said, her voice tight and accusing.
I’d stopped defending Josh and lying that he’d made other plans or that he’d been called into work, it wasn’t as though they hadn’t all seen through my lies over the last couple of years, each of them swapping furtive glances of disappointment in my boyfriend not wanting to be a part of the family.
“No, it’s not his thing and to be honest, I think Frankie needs a bit of a break from him.”
Mum looked at me quizzically, so I told her about the iPod. She adored Frankie, and Josh not so much, so all the way through the story her lip curled further and further into a snarl, until finally I actually thought she might bark at me.
“Dad will get it all back after tea,” she said, a hardness to her voice.
“I know, that’s what I told Frankie.”
We continued to prepare our meal in silence, both of us stewing over what Josh had done. Animosity was positively bristling off my mother and I knew she was trying hard to keep her tongue. Neither she nor Dad particularly liked Josh, but as they said, he was my choice. They used to say ‘he’s good to you and Frankie and he’s your choice, so that’s all that matters’, nowadays though it was simply ‘he’s your choice, Maisie’.
“You know,” my mum finally said, breathing heavily. “It really concerns me how he is with Frankie. Doesn’t it you? He never used to be like that, it’s as though as time’s gone on he can’t cope with the fact that the poor child has a personality.”
I paused peeling the potato in my hand and looked at her; the tears in her eyes shocking me.
“Mum.” I threw the potato and knife into the sink and moved over to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “He’s not violent or anything like that. He just has quite strict rules about things, and you know Frankie, he likes to push the boundaries.”
“And that’s what makes him so wonderful,” Mum said, gripping my hand. “Don’t let him govern that out of him, Maisie. That child is bright and funny and yes he’s a cheeky little beggar at times, but he’s polite too, and he knows how to behave when it’s important. His teachers love him.”
“I know. They tell me all the time.” I moved away from her and leaned against the counter, my back rigid. “Josh isn’t a monster, Mum.”
“I’m not saying he is, but the fire has gone out of your eyes too over the last couple of years.”
“What fire?” I asked, feeling a knot forming in my stomach. “I’m the same as I’ve always been.”
Mum shook her head. “No Maisie, you’re not,” she cried. “You used to be feisty and strong, but you just don’t seem to have any fight left in you.”
I felt as though she’d slapped me across the face. That my own mother thought that about me was a
s big a shock as when I’d found out I was pregnant.
“Well thanks, Mum.”
“I’m not trying to be mean,” she said, making a move toward me. “But I hear how he talks to you both and once upon a time you’d have told him to shove it, but now you just accept it. To be honest, once upon a time he worshipped both of you, now it’s like he just wants to control you.”
“I don’t just accept things,” I replied, knowing deep down Mum had a point. Josh had changed and I couldn’t stand the arguments any longer.
“You don’t have to settle you know.”
My head shot up as I stared at my mum. “What? What do you mean, settle? I’m not settling for anything.”
“I think you are, love, you’re settling for Josh because you think Frankie needs a father and you want a partner.”
“Of course I do,” I snapped. “But I wouldn’t settle just so we got those things. Give me some credit.”
Her comments hurt, but they niggled too because I was scared she was right. I’d been wondering for a while whether I put up with Josh and his sniping at me and Frankie because I was scared of being alone. I had loved him a great deal when we first got together, he was fun and sweet, but the last year and a half, he’d made it pretty difficult to still feel that way about him.
“All I’m saying is, if he’s not who you really want, then you will be fine on your own until you find the one.”
“I’m fine with who I’m with now, Mum.”
I turned back to the sink and continued peeling the potatoes, choosing to ignore the heaviness in my heart.
Dinner at my parents’ house hadn’t been the best of evenings. Mum and I barely spoke to each other, Libby did nothing but complain about having to eat pie, and Dad kept going on about Josh removing Frankie’s music, and how it was a good job he’d backed it up on his computer. All this while Frankie went on and on about being cast as Grandpa Joe in the play. All in all I was glad when it was time to leave.
As soon as I walked through the door, I knew immediately that I probably would have been better staying at Mum and Dad’s despite how crappy the evening had been. Josh was just coming out of the kitchen holding a bowl of cereal.