by Nikki Ashton
Thinking of Josh I shuddered inwardly, thinking about his behaviour and how he’d scared both me and Frankie. Hopefully he’d realise what an idiot he’d been and that would be the last we’d see of him. I knew my mum and dad would be worried, when I finally decided to tell them what had happened, but they’d also be glad I’d finally dumped him; neither were his biggest fan in the past few years. They were picking up Frankie from school for me, but I’d made him promise not to mention anything until I got there – I just hope he remembered, because I didn’t want to be hit with a barrage of questions as soon as I walked through their front door.
I was making my way to the estate agents where I worked part-time doing the administration; not the greatest job in the world, but when I’d gotten pregnant with Frankie I couldn’t keep up with the hours acting as PA for the very demanding Finance Director of an Investment Company. When Frankie was just over a year old I began my job with Angela. She’d just started up her own estate agency and while the pay wasn’t brilliant, she was good to me, letting me do additional hours if I needed some extra money – something that I was probably going to be asking for quite a bit in the future, seeing as Josh was gone. I wished that he’d never persuaded me to tell Sam we didn’t want his money, but hindsight was an amazing thing.
Walking into the office, I was surprised to see Angela sitting at one of the desks talking on the phone. I waved a hand and frowned. Angela rolled her eyes in response and carried on her conversation.
I expected to find Denny, the other girl that worked in the office with me, in the kitchen but there was no sign of her. When I went back into the office with two mugs of coffee, Angela was finally off the phone.
“Where’s Denny?” I asked, placing a mug in front of Angela.
“Don’t mention her name to me,” she growled, picking up her mug. “The little bitch has dropped me right in it.”
“Why, what’s happened?” I asked, turning on my PC.
“Left me a message to say she’s not coming back. She’s got a job with Turner Rentals.”
“She can’t just go like that, surely?”
“Well any normal person would give notice, but not her. No, that little madam thinks it’s perfectly okay to leave via a sodding voicemail.”
Angela sighed and punched at the keyboard.
“Any idea what her password is?” she asked.
“Try Jason Momoa without a space.”
Angela screwed up her brow.
“He’s this month’s sexy hottie on her calendar.” I nodded at the small desk calendar in front of Angela.
She tapped at the keys. “Bingo. Right, let’s see where she’s up to with the rental collections.”
“Do you need me to do anything specific?”
Angela carried on typing. “Yep, you can call Temploy Recruitment and see if they can find me someone permanent and maybe a temp in the meantime.”
The air rushed from my lungs. “Temploy? Not A1 like we normally do?”
“No, those bastards tried to rip me off last time, so let’s try Temploy.” Angela flashed me a smile and then carried on typing.
I coughed nervously, wondering if I could somehow persuade her to do it herself, because Temploy was Sam’s agency. It was the one he’d taken over a few years before, the one that had been more important to him than becoming a father.
I hadn’t spoken to him in two days and suddenly the thought of hearing his voice made me feel nervous and excited and like a teenage girl with a crush.
I clicked on my PC to our contact list to find the number and then tentatively picked up the receiver of my desk phone. I stared at the computer screen for a few seconds before reaching out a finger to dial the number. When a female voice answered after a few rings, I visibly relaxed back in my chair, relieved but a little disappointed that Sam hadn’t answered. My relief was short lived though when she took the details and told me either Sam or Eve would call me back because I knew that when Sam saw my name on the enquiry I’d be getting my call back from him.
Almost half an hour later, I was proved right.
“Hey, it’s Sam,” he said when I answered the call. “I hear you’re looking for a new member of staff.”
“Hi Sam,” I replied, feeling a heat creep up my neck and hoping Angela hadn’t noticed. “Our other admin girl just up and left, so we need someone pretty quickly.” I’d offered to do some extra hours, but I couldn’t do the two late nights or the Saturday, not without putting on my parents for extra childcare time with Frankie and they already picked him up from school three nights a week.
“Why didn’t you call my mobile,” he replied. “You didn’t have to call the office.”
“Well, I didn’t want to bother you. I didn’t think, to be honest.”
“Next time just call me, it’s fine. Anyway, I think we have someone suitable. She could pretty much start straight away if Angela likes her. I think she will though, she’s really good and I wouldn’t have any problems placing her.”
“Really? That would be amazing, thank you.”
“That’s the perks of knowing me,” he said, laughing softly. “I’ll send her round at nine tomorrow. Just call me if that doesn’t suit Angela, okay?”
“Yes will do, thanks Sam.”
The line went silent for a few seconds and I wondered if he’d ended the call. I was just about to say his name, when he spoke.
“How have things been since Saturday? I take it you haven’t heard anything from Josh.”
The way he said Josh’s name made me smile, he sounded just like Frankie when he didn’t like something – or I supposed Frankie sounded just like Sam.
“No, nothing. All quiet.”
“That’s good, yeah really good.”
Sam’s voice was quiet and he sounded a little unsure and I knew it was probably because he didn’t know how to tell me he wouldn’t be contacting me again. I evidently didn’t need him and he was feeling awkward on how to tell me that we would be going back to being virtual strangers, and he’d go back to simply being Frankie’s swimming coach for the next few weeks and then…well then, like a puff of smoke, he’d be gone permanently.
“Anyway,” I said, taking a deep breath. “I’d better get going and I’ll let Angela know that…oh sorry what did you say the girl’s name was?”
“Bernadette Wright. I’ve emailed it all over to Angela’s email address that you gave to Christy.”
“Great, I’ll check with Angela that she’s okay to see her in the morning, but I’m sure she will be.”
“Great,” Sam replied.
I chewed on my lip, having no clue what to say. As Saturday had gone on, I’d felt comfortable with Sam, but now the silence was practically static with the discomfort that we both felt. Sam because he didn’t know how to say ‘goodbye and enjoy your life’ and me because in a matter of twenty-four hours I’d become used to him being around us and I wasn’t really sure I wanted that to end.
“Okay, I’ll probably see you at swimming,” I said, giving him a get out if he needed it.
“Yeah, about that,” Sam replied with a loud exhale.
Here it was. This was where he told me he wasn’t going to be doing teaching any longer.
“Yes, what is it?” I slumped in my seat, disappointment washing over me.
“Well, I was wondering if you and Frankie would like to go out for pizza tomorrow night.”
Sam
What the fuck was I doing, asking her if I could take them out for fucking pizza? I was an idiot, a complete moron and wanted to stab myself in the balls, yet the words had come out as naturally as they would when I asked a girl on a date.
This was not a fucking date. No way, not even close.
“Pizza?”
At the sound of Maisie’s soft, surprised voice, I dropped my forehead to my hand and shook my head at my own stupidity.
“Yep,” I ground out.
When there wasn’t a response, every bit of my hesitancy disappeared and worry grip
ped me that she might say no.
What the hell was going on with me? I’d quite clearly told my family the day before that there was no way I wanted to be a father to Frankie, and absolutely no way in this world they’d be getting to know him, leaving my mum in tears and my dad almost spouting angry steam from his ears. Yet, here I was asking Maisie for more and feeling shit scared that she’d turn me down. I was playing a damn dangerous game with not only their emotions, but mine and my families too, yet I didn’t have it in me to worry about what spending more time with them might result in. All I wanted in that moment was to take them out for pizza and spend time getting to know them both.
“Yes,” Maisie responded. “Pizza would be great.”
I groaned inwardly at my stupidity, yet somehow couldn’t stop the fucking huge grin that was spread across my face.
Sam
the present
As Frankie tucked into a huge triple cheese pizza, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. It bloody amazed me how much he was like me. He had the same colouring as me and looking at his eyes was like looking at my own in the mirror, but it was more than that, it was his mannerisms too. The way he closed his eyes on that first bite of food, how he rubbed his eyebrow when he was thinking and how he couldn’t hide it in his face when he found something amusing – we both twitched our lips to one side. Not to mention his taste in music and his swimming ability – it was all kind of freaky.
I shouldn’t have been surprised, we Coopers had strong genes. Elijah and I were a mirror image of each other and there was no doubt who our dad was, and they both did the eyebrow thing too and all three of us had the exact same laugh. As for Bella, she was a much prettier, cuter version of my brother, so no wonder my son looked like me.
The words ‘my son’ tumbled around my head, banging against my brain, reminding me with every hit about the strange situation I’d found myself in. It was strange because I’d been adamant that this was in no way what I wanted, but in a matter of days I’d found myself entwined in Frankie and Maisie’s lives and it wasn’t as shit as I’d always thought it would be.
To be honest, it amazed me that Maisie hadn’t punched me in the bollocks and told me to fuck off after the way I’d treated her all those years ago. I wasn’t stupid enough to think she’d been thinking of me all that time, or us being a family had been what she’d wanted for all those years. I knew that, but for Josh being a dick head and a twat, and Elijah sticking his damn nose in, she may well have taken Frankie to a different swimming instructor and told me to drop dead. I’d helped her, she’d been grateful and it just so happened I’d enjoyed doing it and felt good about something I’d done for the first time in years.
“You were right about his appetite,” I said, looking over at Maisie who was taking a bite of her own pizza.
She giggled and held a hand in front of her mouth.
“God, sorry,” she replied, swallowing her food. “Yeah, I know. He’ll scoff all of that down, no problem.”
Our gazes fell onto Frankie who was studying a piece of crust intensely, then silence fell around the table again as we all continued eating. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, yet it didn’t feel right to me. I wanted to talk to Maisie and to Frankie. I wanted us to discuss our days, get to know each other and chat, but I was also conscious that I was still telling everyone that this was exactly what I didn’t want and it would not be happening. Shit, on the day that Frankie was born I’d told Maisie in the most fucking cruel way possible that there was no way she’d be getting a nice little family – so I had no clue why she’d even want to share the same airspace as me, never mind chit chat around the dinner table. Truth be told, the whole fucking thing was messing with my head.
“Bernadette is starting full time next week,” Maisie said, pulling me back from the shit storm in my head.
“Yeah, Angela called to let Eve know.”
“Of course you’d know.” Maisie rolled her eyes. “You’re the big boss man after all.”
I shrugged. “It took a while, but I got there in the end.”
“I think it’s great you achieved what you set out to do.” Maisie reached over to Frankie and handed him a paper napkin. “You’ve got tomato sauce all round your face. What on earth have you been doing, washing your face with it?”
Frankie took the napkin and scrubbed it across his face, only managing to increase the spread of the sauce. There was even some on his earlobe.
“Come here,” I said around a laugh as I leaned closer to him and with my own napkin wiped at his face and ear.
Once he looked a little more presentable, I turned to Maisie. “Better?”
She exhaled slowly and nodded. Her eyes were a little glassy and the sight of her made my heart jump. She stared at me without saying a single word and I held my breath as I watched the slight tremble of her chin. I didn’t know what was happening, but in that moment, I knew we were sharing something. We watched each other closely, words that I knew I shouldn’t speak forming in my head. My nerve endings were sparking off each other and I felt the urge to reach my hand out for Maisie’s.
All I’d done had been to wipe my son’s face with a paper napkin, yet my heart had expanded as though it was so much more. The way Maisie’s face had softened told me I wasn’t wrong.
“I’m sorry,” I said, glancing at Frankie.
Maisie’s eyes widened. “For wiping his face?”
I shook my head. “No, for so much more.”
Maisie inhaled and her head shot toward Frankie who was making slurping noises with his orange juice. He was totally oblivious of the tension between us, or that he actually had both his parents at the table. The only concern he had was whether he could suck hard enough to make a piece of ice stick to the bottom of the straw with the suction.
“Maisie,” I said, tentatively reaching a hand out.
Her gaze shot back to mine and her back straightened. “I don’t…Sam I…” she shook her head slowly and absent-mindedly screwed up her napkin and threw it onto her half eaten pizza.
“It’s fine. I’m sorry. I just…” I blew out my cheeks. “This is all so surreal. I have no idea what I’m doing, or why.”
“Um aren’t you eating pizza, because you’re hungry.” A little voice piped up.
We both turned to Frankie and I forced out a smile. This was not the time or the place for me to suddenly get a come to fucking Jesus moment about being a damn father. I wasn’t even sure that was what had happened, all I knew was I suddenly felt the guilt clutching at my throat and stopping me from breathing easily.
“Yeah, of course I am buddy. I was trying to be funny.”
Frankie screwed up his nose. “Well, it wasn’t really was it? I mean I’m not laughing and neither is Mummy.” He shrugged and went back to his game of catch the ice cube.
I looked at Maisie to gauge her reaction, but her face was impassive. Gone was the glassy eyes and the soft smile, now there was nothing, she was simply watching Frankie before flashing me a false smile.
“We should get going soon,” she said, clearing her throat.
“Muuuummm,” Frankie groaned. “Do we have to?”
“Yes, we do. You have school tomorrow.”
“But we haven’t had ice cream yet. We can have ice cream, can’t we Sam.”
I had no clue what to say. Either way someone was going to think I was a prick. When I didn’t answer, Frankie sighed and placed a tiny hand on my forearm.
“Don’t worry, Sam. I know you said you’d pay, but if you don’t have enough money for ice cream too, my mummy will help out, won’t you?”
He looked expectantly at Maisie, giving her what I guessed was his best puppy dog look. I knew it had to be, because at that fucking minute I’d have given the kid my left kidney if he’d asked.
“Frankie,” Maisie scolded. “Don’t be rude.”
“It’s okay -.”
“I’m not,” Frankie interrupted me. “You always say you should be honest and I honestly want some
ice cream and I honestly know you’ll pay if Sam can’t.”
My mouth twitched and I almost pulled Frankie against my chest when I saw the exact same expression on his face.
“I’ll go to the toilet and let you chat about it,” he said, pushing away from the table. “So Sam doesn’t get embarrassed.”
Before either of us could stop him, he ran off dodging a waitress with a tray full of drinks.
“I’m sorry, Maisie,” I rushed out. “I have no idea what the fuck is going on in my head. I just know I’ll never be able to apologise enough.”
Maisie laid her palms flat on the table and took a deep breath. “I understand that spending time with him might have confused you, Sam, but you can’t just decide that you want to be his dad after all this time.” Her voice was a little shaky and her eyes kept darting toward the toilet, watching for Frankie coming back.
“I don’t want that.”
When Maisie gasped I shook my head.
“Shit, I’m cocking this up. What I mean is, I have no idea if that’s what I want, Maisie. I spent all of Sunday afternoon telling my fucking parents that they should forget they have a grandson because they wouldn’t ever be meeting him, but-.”
“You told your parents,” she hissed, leaning across the table. “Sam, what the hell were you thinking?”
“Shit,” I groaned. “I was going to tell you. They heard me talking to Amy.”
“Amy knows?”
Maisie’s face had paled and her hand trembled as she lifted it to place against her chest.
“Oh my god,” she whispered. “We agreed. What if Frankie finds out?”
Her words punched me in the gut making my lungs feel as though they’d just deflated like a pricked balloon.
“What if he does?”