by Nikki Ashton
Maisie’s mouth dropped open, in silent shock.
“Maisie I-.”
“You were the one,” she snapped. “The one who didn’t want him to know. We agreed. I agreed with you because it was better he had no dad than be constantly hurt that the one he did have didn’t want him.”
“I know, I know, but spending time with him, with you both, I don’t know how I feel any more. I’m not sure that’s what I want.”
Maisie looked away momentarily.
“Well I’m sorry, Sam but you have to be bloody sure. You can’t mess with his heart like that. If that’s what you want then you have to be sure, because that boy is my life and if you hurt him, I’ll…I’ll fucking kill you.”
I opened my mouth to retaliate, but didn’t when Frankie dropped back into his seat.
“So, are we having ice cream or not.”
Maisie forced a wide smile. “Yes sweetie, we are, but Sam had a phone call, he has to go.”
I looked at her and almost disagreed, but when I saw the fire and anger in her eyes, decided better of it.
“Really?” Frankie groaned. “Oh no, I brought my Football Top Trumps with me.” He turned in his seat and reached into the pocket of his coat, hanging on the back of his chair. “Grandad got them for me.”
Frankie slapped the pack of cards on the table and gave me a look I recognised from Bella when she was struggling to make herself understood.
My emotions were a fucking mess as I looked at him. I wanted to laugh at his consternation at not being able to play cards with me, my damn heart was aching that I had to go, but I also had a sudden urge to run as fast as I could.
“Sorry, Frankie,” I managed to say while trying to hide the quake in my voice. “But I’ll pay for the ice cream on my way out.”
His face brightened slightly and then he nodded. “Can I go and get some, Mummy?” He looked over his shoulder at the ‘ice cream factory’ a couple of feet away.
Maisie nodded. “Say goodbye to Sam first.”
I looked at her, hoping she might change her mind, but her gaze never left Frankie and her jaw was tight. If I felt confused before, as soon as two little arms were flung around my neck, any semblance of understanding of what was going on in my heart and my head totally disappeared.
“Night Sam,” Frankie said against my ear. “Thanks for the pizza and ice cream. Maybe we can play Top Trumps another time.”
“Yep,” I managed around the ball of emotion that was almost choking me. “That would be great.”
“Yes, bye Sam,” Maisie said. “And thank you.”
I glanced at her over the top of Frankie’s arm that was still wrapped around my neck, but she was searching in her bag.
Finally, Frankie let me go and raced off to get his ice cream.
“I am sorry, Maisie,” I said as I pushed up from my chair. “But we do need to talk some more.”
She nodded. “We do, but not until you’ve really thought about what you want, because you only get one chance at this Sam. You let him down just once and that is it.”
Her voice was determined and I knew she was right; I had some serious thinking to do.
Samuel
the past
As soon as I reached the door to the maternity ward, my palms started to sweat and bile rose in my throat. If I thought I was over what Alison had done to me, I was getting a huge wake up call. I might not have cared about her any longer, but the fucking shit trick she pulled on me had obviously embedded itself into my soul.
As I stood in the corridor with my hands hooked at the back of my neck, I felt a continuous stabbing pain in my chest – the knife point of anxiety reminding me that this could all just be a pile of lies and I wasn’t sure I could go through that again.
“You want to go in mate?” a guy carrying a flower patterned duffle bag asked. “Have you pressed the buzzer?”
My gaze shot to him, taking in his huge smile and tired looking eyes. “Yeah,” I muttered.
“Yeah you’ve pressed the buzzer?” He turned and looked through the viewing panel in the door. “No one’s coming. I’ll try it again.”
I shuffled closer to him, still not sure that I was doing the right thing.
“You look a bit shell shocked, mate.” He landed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Your first is it?”
I nodded, looking at him blankly.
“I was like that with our first, but this time around it doesn’t seem so scary. You’ll be fine mate. Just think of your poor missus, what she’s gone through.”
He laughed again and shook his head as I stood there dumb.
“Oh here we go.” He nodded to the viewing panel.
“Hiya Stuart,” the nurse who opened the door said. “We’ve just moved Carly to the first bay, second bed in.”
“Great, cheers.”
With that, the guy Stuart pushed past her. “Good luck, mate,” he called over his shoulder.
“Can I help you?” The nurse gave me a knowing smile as I rubbed a hand down my face. “Who you here to see my love?”
I cleared my throat. “Maisie West. She’s had a baby.”
“Most people have on this ward.” She lifted the small watch that was attached to her uniform. “It’s a bit late for visiting love. We only allow partners or a family member, if necessary, at this time of night.”
“Does she have someone with her?” I asked, fearful of someone in Maisie’s family finding out I was the father.
“No, her mum went about a half hour ago. So, unless you’re her partner, I can’t let you in I’m afraid.”
I let out a sigh of relief and dropped my hands to my knees, but the nurse must have misunderstood and took it as a response for disappointment.
“Are you the father?”
My head shot up to look at her as I tried to swallow down the huge lump that had formed in my throat.
“W-what?”
“Are you the father? You’ve got that look of a man who’s been floored by the realisation that he’s become a dad.”
I nodded. “I don’t know if…”
She inclined her head, waiting for me to finish, but when I didn’t she smiled and evidently thought I needed her to take pity on me.
“Okay, I tell you what. I’ll go and ask her if she wants to see you and if she does, as you’re the father, I’ll let you in. What’s your name, sweetheart?”
“Sam, but it’s fine. I don’t want to put you to any trouble,” I burst out, feeling that I’d made totally the wrong decision in even thinking about visiting Maisie and the baby.
“It’s no trouble, Sam. We have this a lot, couples who split up before the baby gets here and then dad has an urge to visit. It’s nothing new. Just wait here and I’ll check what Maisie wants to do.”
Before I had chance to argue, she was gone. I considered running – sprinting out of the hospital and never coming back, but my feet wouldn’t move. They were rooted to the spot with my desire to know; to check whether it was true and wanting proof that Maisie wasn’t the same sort of cruel bitch as Alison.
Within a couple of minutes the nurse was back wearing a big smile. “Come on,” she said, beckoning me with her head. “There’s a little boy who wants to meet Dad.”
My heart drummed in time with every step I took towards Maisie and the baby and even as we rounded the corner and the nurse pointed to a bed with a curtain around it, I was still thinking of running – if I didn’t have a heart attack first.
The ward was quiet, except for the soft whispers of parents and quiet gurgling of babies. The lights were low and everything seemed remarkably calm, the total opposite of how I was feeling with the typhoon of emotions whirling around my head and my heart. It was all too surreal and I was sure it was all just someone’s idea of a sick joke – me standing in a maternity ward waiting to see my son.
As I took a hesitant step forward, the guy who I’d seen outside in the corridor appeared from behind a curtain, holding an empty glass.
&nb
sp; “Alright, mate,” he said, holding up the glass. “The wife wants a drink. You see your nipper yet?”
“I-I’m just going in now,” I stammered.
“Best thing ever. Better go, and good luck.”
As he disappeared, I heard Maisie quietly call out my name, so taking a deep breath, I pulled back the faded blue and yellow curtain and step into the peaceful cocoon that she and the baby were in.
“Hi,” she whispered, looking up at me shyly, the baby cradled in her arms. “I never for one minute thought you’d come.”
I stared at the tiny bundle sleeping against her chest desperately trying to see something of me in him.
“Sam?”
I looked at her and shrugged. “I wasn’t sure I would. I don’t even know whether I’ve done the right thing even now.”
Maisie watched me carefully and must have seen something in my face because she shook her head and sighed.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have. I know it doesn’t mean anything, but if you haven’t changed your mind, it seems pretty pointless.”
“No,” I said, my eyes wide with shock. “I haven’t. I just needed to see.”
“To see what,” she replied before looking back down at the baby. “It’s a baby that you don’t want anything to do with, so what’s to see.”
I didn’t answer, but continued to stare at her.
“I knew I shouldn’t have let you come in,” she muttered, pulling the baby’s blanket closer around him. “But when the nurse said you were here, I just thought…”
She trailed off and I noticed her chin tremble.
“Don’t think anything, Maisie. I just wanted to check you were okay and see him.”
“Frankie,” she said around an empty laugh. “You wanted to see Frankie.”
I didn’t respond, because I didn’t want to say his name. If I said his name, it meant he had a name which meant he was real and I really didn’t want to think of the fact that I was a dad. Shit, I might not be. I’d been here before, it wasn’t my first time around and look how that ended up.
“Do you want to hold him?” Maisie asked tentatively.
I shook my head. “Nope.”
“Okay, but you could at least look at him.”
“Maisie, don’t,” I groaned out.
“Why the hell have you come here then?”
She dropped her head back against the mountain of pillows behind her and closed her eyes. The baby roused slightly and opened its eyes and I’ll swear it looked right at me, blue eyes boring into me and judging me.
“He has blue eyes,” I said, gripping at my hair.
“And?” Maisie’s curious gaze went back to the baby. “All babies have blue eyes.”
“We both have brown eyes. Why does he have blue eyes?”
My pulse started to quicken as I stared at Maisie, demanding answers. This couldn’t be happening. No way should he have blue eyes if we both had brown.
“Sam, what’s wrong?” Maisie asked as I started to breathe heavily. “Are you okay?”
“Why the fuck does he have blue eyes?” I snapped. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“I’ve told you, most babies are born with blue eyes.”
“I’m a quarter Greek, so why the fuck doesn’t he have brown eyes?” I spat out, pointing a finger at Maisie
“Stop it,” she cried, the noise disturbing the baby again. “You’re being stupid.”
“No, no I’m not. I’d be stupid to think that its mine.”
“He’s not an ‘it’. He’s your bloody son.”
Tears slowly crawled down Maisie’s cheeks and her arms were trembling as she pulled the baby closer to her. I didn’t care though, all that mattered to me was that I wasn’t made a fucking fool of again.
“I don’t know that though, do I?” I snapped. “He could be anyone’s. We were careful and then after one night you tell me I’m the father.”
“You are. We talked about this.”
Maisie swiped at her tears and looked at me, devastation written all over her face.
“I know what you told me, but you could be lying.”
“I wouldn’t lie about something this important. You prick, how dare you?”
“I dare because you’re a fucking woman and women lie and cheat about things like this.”
“What’s going on in here?” The curtain was pulled back and a nurse popped her head in. “There are new born babies and exhausted new mums on this ward and you are disturbing them.”
She looked at Maisie who was obviously distressed.
“Do you want me to get him thrown out?” the nurse asked her.
Maisie shook her head. “No,” she said defiantly. “He’s going anyway.”
“Well do it quietly, or I will call security.”
“You’re a bastard,” Maisie said when the curtain fell back into place.
“Yeah, just like that.”
I pointed at the baby and Maisie gasped.
“Get out,” she hissed. “I never want to see or hear from you again.”
“Get a DNA test, Maisie,” I snarled. “And if its mine I’ll pay what’s due, but I don’t want anything to do with him. I never want him looking for me, or turning up on my doorstep in eighteen years’ time, you hear me?”
“I don’t want your bloody money and don’t worry, I’ll never tell him about the twat he has for a father.”
“You’ll have the money if he’s mine. I don’t want to be taken to court or have some bloody government department on my back for years of back pay if I don’t provide for him.”
Maisie shook her head and heaved in a ragged breath. “What the hell has got into you? I can’t believe you’re being like this. I didn’t ask you to come here, I didn’t ask you for anything.”
“Like I said, I wanted to be sure and seeing as I’m not, get the fucking DNA done. In fact, I’ll sort it.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head and looking at me with narrowed eyes. “I don’t want anything from you. I’ll speak to a solicitor and get him to deal with it, now go and don’t bother ever coming back.”
“I won’t,” I replied, grabbing the curtain ready to disappear. “And if you’ve lied to me, I’ll make sure everyone knows what you tried to do.”
“Just get out, Sam,” she sobbed. “Get out.”
I pushed through the curtain and practically ran from the ward, just about reaching the car park before I puked.
As I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, a couple walked toward me, the woman nudging the guy as they both looked at me sideways. It didn’t appear to occur to them that I might need help, despite the pile of vomit at my feet.
Coughing and with an acid burn at the back of my throat, I stumbled toward a metal bench where a few smokers were gathered and sank down onto it. My hands were shaking and the adrenalin rushing around my body was making my heart thud an erratic beat.
“Fuck,” I whispered, dropping my head into my hands. “What the hell have I done?”
The thought of Maisie’s devastated face when I’d accused her of lying about the baby being mine, was torture. This was supposed to be one of the best days of her life and I’d ruined it for her because I was selfish and fucking scared; but I was preserving my own heart too.
“You alright?”
I looked up to see a security guard looking down at me, a nurse standing at his side.
“Sorry?”
“Someone said you were being sick out here,” he replied.
“Do you need to come inside and let us have a look at you?” the nurse asked.
“No I’m fine, thanks.”
I lifted my shaking hand to run it through my hair.
“Have you taken something?”
The nurse stepped nearer and looked closely into my eyes, the light from the overhead lamp disappeared as she moved forward, shrouding us in darkness.
“Fuck no,” I cried.
“So why do you think you were sick?” she asked, standing straight again,
her eyes examining me closely.
“Eaten a bad sandwich,” I said curtly, wishing she’d just fuck off and leave me with my self-hatred.
She frowned and glanced at the security guard. “Okay, but if you need any help just go to A&E.”
“I’m fine,” I sighed, pushing up from the bench and starting to walk away. A little more self-loathing hit me and I paused and turned around. “Thanks for asking though.”
She nodded and said something to the security guard that I didn’t hear and then they both turned to go back inside the hospital. As the door swished closed, I made my way back to the car park, emotion pricking at my throat with every step.
Sitting in my car, I stared up at the floors of windows of the hospital, wondering which one Maisie and my son were in, wondering if I should go back and apologise. I had no clue what to do. I was so fucking scared of going through the same shit as I had at eighteen – of being made a fool of again. I didn’t want to be a dad, I didn’t want to be responsible for another human being, yet I felt like the biggest shit at the same time.
I picked up my mobile and scrolled through my contacts until I found Elijah’s name. My finger hovered over the thumbnail of his face, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell him because he’d hate me, especially as he would give anything to be in my shoes. His disappointment would kill me.
Staring through the windscreen it hit me that I had no one to talk to, no one to ask for help, to tell me what to do. No one to tell me I was wrong, no one to even tell me I was fucking right and as guilt and fear clawed at me in equal measures, I felt wetness on my cheeks.
The breath I dragged in turned to a sob, everything I’d holed up inside me from the age of eighteen beating its way out of me as a pained cry.
“I fucking hate you,” I screamed, beating my hand against the steering wheel. “You’ve fucking ruined my life, I hate you.”
No one heard or saw me. No one stopped to check if I needed anything.
I had no one and I never would because my heart was black and hard.
Maisie
the present
“So, what’s this about?” my dad asked as he and Mum sat down. “Why the big secret and why did Libby have to take Frankie out for tea?”