by Nikki Ashton
“So that’s why you didn’t want anything to do with Frankie?” Elijah asked. “Why you told Maisie you weren’t interested?”
“Pretty much, although now that I think about it, it’s a pretty shit reason. I’m supposed to be an intelligent man, yet I couldn’t see that Maisie was a different sort of person. She’s kind and generous and so fucking forgiving bro, it’s unbelievable. You know when he was born, I accused her of doing what Alison had done, all because Frankie had blue eyes when he was born.”
“All babies have blue eyes.”
“I know that now, but I told her to get a DNA test. No, not asked, told.”
“You twat,” my brother groaned.
“I know, which is what makes it even more astonishing that Maisie even let me speak to him. Yeah, she told me I had to quit coaching Frankie at first, but since I helped her out she's been nothing but amazing. Letting me into their lives and even considering letting me be a dad to Frankie is more than I deserve.”
“Like you said, you did help her out. Maybe she’s just showing her gratitude and maybe she’ll actually knife you in the bollocks one day when you least expect it.”
I grimaced and cupped my balls, flashing a pained expression at my brother.
“Shit,” he said, raking a hand over his head. “You told Mum and Dad?”
“No!” I snapped. “And I don’t want you to either. This is one fucking secret that stays between you and me.”
Elijah frowned.
“You can tell her, but I mean it Eli, if Amy tells them I’ll never forgive her, I fucking swear.”
“Okay,” he sighed. “To be honest, I agree. It would fucking kill them knowing she did that when you were her responsibility.”
“I was sixteen, bro. It’s not like I wasn’t legal,” I reasoned.
Eli shook his head. “Only just, even so, she had no fucking right. She did wrong. She violated her position, she fucking violated you. How would you feel if that was Frankie?”
I pushed my back off the cupboard door, clenching my hands into fists and stared wide-eyed at my brother.
“I’d fucking kill them.”
“Yeah,” he said, grinning. “You’re ready to be his dad.”
My heart halted, missing a few beats at Elijah’s words. “You think I can do this?” I asked.
“I know you can. Do not let what happened with that woman shape your life any more than it already has. We had a conversation about regret a few years ago, which I know for definite now was about Frankie, am I right?”
He paused waiting for me to respond with a nod.
“You regretted it then, so don’t let us be having this same fucking conversation in another three years, because by then, Sam, it might be too late.”
I knew then what I wanted to do, what I was going to do and do it to the very best of my ability. I would no longer be shrouded by the guilt and shame of what I’d done as a kid, because that’s all I’d been, a kid who had been steered in the worst possible way.
I knew I’d make mistakes along the way, but I was determined to make my son proud of me.
Sam
the present
I’d tried to call Maisie about three times on my way around to her house, to tell her I was on my way, but each time it went straight to voicemail. At least she wasn’t dropping my call, so hopefully she’d be okay at me just turning up.
After I’d changed out of my beer sodden sweats and pushed my brother out of the door, I’d jumped into my car to go to Maisie’s house. I probably should have left it until I’d had a chance to speak to her first and possibly organise about going around there on the weekend, but I couldn’t wait. I’d made my mind up and didn’t want to waste any more time.
When I pulled up at the bottom of Maisie’s drive, I was surprised to see the door fling open and her come rushing out. She had her phone clutched to her chest and was sobbing.
“What the fuck?” I opened my door and jumped out, meeting her half way. “What’s wrong? Is it Frankie?”
Maisie’s chest was heaving as huge, fat tears rolled down her cheeks. Her hair was falling from its plait and there wasn’t a hint of colour in her cheeks – she was deathly pale.
“He’s taken him, Sam,” she screamed, grabbing hold of my bicep. “Mum went to pick him up from the school play rehearsal and he wasn’t there the teacher said his dad had picked him up Mum rang to ask if it was you but I knew it wasn’t I just knew I-.”
Everything was blurted out in one sentence, without any pause and every word felt like a knife stabbing at my skin.
“Maisie, sweetheart,” I soothed, trying to keep the panic from my own voice. “Take a breath. Come on, breath.”
I stooped down to look her in the eyes, breathing slowly and encouraging her to copy me.
“Sam…we…have…to…find…him,” she gulped in between sobs. “They said it was his dad. I forgot to tell them that Josh wasn’t on the approved list any more. This is all my fault.”
“No Maisie, it’s not. This is all on Josh. Have you called the police?” I asked, steering her back to the house.
“I-I-I only just got off the phone from Mum. I need to c-c-call them.” She moved away from me and started to stab clumsily at her phone. “Maybe the school did. I don’t know, Sam.”
“Hey, let’s get into the house and I’ll do it.” Gently I prised the mobile from Maisie’s fingers and taking her hand led her into the house.
“You should be out there looking for him,” I snapped at the copper taking a statement from me. “Not damn well questioning me about my whereabouts. We know who took him, the fucking teacher said it was him.”
“Mr. Cooper,” the copper started, holding out a hand. “We know what we’re doing. We are taking this very seriously, seeing as he isn’t the child’s father and Miss West has already made a complaint against Mr. Brent, we’ve sent a squad car to his address and I’m just trying to get a clear picture so we can rule things out.
“You don’t need to rule me out because I shouldn’t have been bloody ruled in in the first place.” I was about to push up from the sofa when a large palm landed on my shoulder. I looked up to see Maisie’s dad standing over me. He was a tall, balding man and as soon as he’d walked into the house he’d created a presence – this man was the one I had to thank for making sure my son had a great role model, so it was with respect for him that I didn’t brush his hand off me.
“Just calm down, Sam,” he said quietly. “They’re just doing their job. They know you’re not involved, but without realising it you may give them some information that helps.”
I relaxed back in the chair and nodded. “Sorry, but can I at least go to Maisie?”
The copper looked down at his notes and nodded. “Yeah, I think I’ve got everything I need. I’ll get on the radio and see if there’s any more news.”
As he left, I stood and looked around the room searching for Maisie.
“She’s in his room,” her dad said. “Jen is making her some tea, would you like one?”
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I nodded. “Please.”
“Okay, I’ll bring them up to you both.”
As soon as he’d gone, I rushed up the stairs two at a time to find Maisie. She was sitting on the end of Frankie’s bed, staring through his bedroom window into the darkening street outside. It was almost six o’clock and Frankie had been with Josh for almost two hours and it was too fucking long.
“Hey,” I said softly. “How you doing?”
She looked up at me with tear filled eyes, chewing on her bottom lip. “Have they found Josh yet?”
“No, nothing yet, but they will. Have you tried his number again?”
Fuck knows why, but I’d been encouraging Maisie to give him the benefit of the doubt, suggesting that he’d had a long term plan to take Frankie out for tea or something and forgotten the time. When she told me that Frankie hated Josh and would never go out with him, my veins started to itch and I had an innate desire to kill the
fucker.
Maisie nodded and glanced down at the mobile clutched in her hand. “Nothing,” she replied.
I sat down on the bed and without thinking took her hand in mine. I felt like a fraud feeling so anguished about Frankie going missing. I didn’t have a right to be upset, but I knew it was helping Maisie me being here. For some reason I’d been able to calm her and when the police arrived and said they were looking for Josh, it was me she ran to and wrapped her arms around.
“How’s Mum?” she asked, leaning her head against my arm.
“Making tea.”
I breathed in deeply and momentarily placed my cheek against the top of her head. Although it was a brief connection, she calmed me too and I was glad we could be there for each other.
“It wasn’t her fault,” Maisie said breaking the silence. “She was on time, early in fact, but Josh had already taken him.”
“I know, sweetheart. No one is blaming her.”
“She is.”
“Well she shouldn’t.” I rubbed the back of Maisie’s hand with my thumb and looked over the top of her head through the window. “You have any idea where he might take him? Does he have a special place or anywhere they went to together.”
“No, I can’t think of anywhere and like I said, Frankie didn’t like him, so he wouldn’t go anywhere with him.” Maisie suddenly let out a sob. “Do you think he’ll hurt him?”
“No, he wouldn’t do that.”
I had no idea whether he would or not, but the fucker could bet his last penny that if he did I’d hunt him down and kill him with my bare hands. I was fucking petrified at what might happen to my son and I knew I’d kill for him if I had to.
Maisie’s shoulders started to shake and her hold on my hand got tighter, my heart squeezing with the same intense grip. I couldn’t believe this was happening, just as I’d got my head from up my arse and decided to get to know my son, he might be snatched away from me. Why the hell had I been such a selfish prick and stayed away all this time and maybe I didn’t deserve to have this fucking time with him, but not at Maisie’s expense.
“You okay?” I asked, once Maisie had stopped crying.
She nodded. “Sorry, but I’m just so scared, Sam. Josh hates Frankie just as much as Frankie hates him and Frankie winds him up, what if he lashes out at him?”
The rage inside of me boiled up and I clutched at Frankie’s duvet to steady myself. “He lays one hand on him and I’ll make him wish he’d never lived. I’ll fucking kill him slowly.”
“What were you doing here anyway?” Maisie lifted her head from my shoulder to look at me, tears still brimming at her lashes but no longer falling.
“It doesn’t matter,” I replied, shaking my head. “We’ll talk once Frankie is home.”
“No, go on.”
I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I was coming to tell you I’m sure I want to be a dad to him.”
Maisie sat up straighter. “Really? You’ve decided eh?” Her tone was hard and while it surprised me, it wasn’t anything I didn’t deserve.
“Yeah. I’m so sorry Maisie for the way I’ve treated you both. I should never have spoken to you the way I did at the hospital on the day he was born, I was a real twat. I’m not that man, the one that doesn’t own up to his responsibility. I knew you weren’t the sort of woman who’d lie to me, but I was just so fucking scared, Maisie.”
“So was I,” she replied, letting go of my hand. “I had no idea how to look after a baby and I would never have expected anything from you, just a little support now and again. You know, take the strain and listen to me when I wanted to cry because I thought I was messing everything up and was being a crap mum.”
“I don’t think anyone could ever accuse you of that.” I looked at her puffy eyes and knew I’d done her a total disservice all those years ago, thinking she’d be like Alison. “He’s an amazing kid and that’s all down to you.”
She gave a slight shrug. “Thank you, but I’ve done plenty of things wrong with that boy. So, what’s changed, Sam? Why now?”
“Spending time with him, I’ve seen how great he is and what I’ve missed out on, and I’ve realised a few things.”
“Such as, because you have to understand this from my point of view, you don’t want to know and then a few days of spending time with him and tah dah you’re cured of being a twat.”
“I know how it looks, but like I said, I swear I’m not that man.”
“Yes and like I said, this isn’t something you can pick up as and when you feel like it, Sam. If we tell him you’re his dad then that’s it, you’re his dad.”
“I know that and I’m ready.”
“Okay, so tell me what you’ve realised, what’s this great dawning light you’ve had?”
I paused wondering whether to spill my guts to her about what had filled my heart with blackness, what had turned me into a coward. Telling Elijah had lifted the blanket of cloud that had shrouded me for years and he’d reinforced what I already knew, I wasn’t the one to blame. Alison had a duty of care and she’d disrespected that. Maybe it was time to pull the last vestiges of my shame away and start afresh, learning to be the sort of man a boy would be proud to call dad.
“When I was sixteen, I had a two year affair with my swimming coach. She was older and married and when I was just eighteen she told me she was having my baby.”
Maisie’s eyes widened as she reared back to look at me. “What?”
“I had a thing with my coach. She told me she’d left her husband and that we were having a baby, but when I went to the hospital on the day she gave birth, she admitted that she’d never left him and the baby was his.”
“She was your coach?” Maisie’s hands went to her mouth in shock. “You were a child, Sam.”
“Yeah, I know and I was ashamed and felt stupid that she’d tricked me for so long and I guess I carried all of that with me and let it cloud my judgement when you got pregnant.”
“That’s awful Sam, but it’s no excuse,” she whispered wrapping her arms around her waist. “You spoke to me like I was shit. I was okay that you didn’t want to be a dad, you stepped up financially and you never told me a pack of lies and then let me find out the hard way, but you should never have tarnished me with the same brush as a woman who cheated and lied for her own needs.”
“I know that,” I sighed feeling the shame rise within me. “And I regret treating you so badly. The least I should have done would be to help you take care of Frankie, taken my turn.”
“Yeah,” she scoffed. “That is the least you should have done. You have missed out on so much with him. He’s an amazing little boy and you don’t even know the half of what he’s capable of. I get that what happened is a reason for you behaving that way, but don’t use it as justification. You were a grown man who should have lived up to his responsibility, no matter what happened in the past.”
“Well you didn’t take it quite like Elijah did.” I gave an empty laugh.
“Of course he’s going to be sympathetic, he’s your brother and so am I to a point, but I have Frankie to think about. He’s my priority Sam, not you.”
Leaning forward, I rested my forearms on my knees, wishing I hadn’t mentioned anything about wanting to be in Frankie’s life. I should have waited until he was home. Shit – time wouldn’t make any difference, if I told her today or in a week’s time, I’d still been a prick allowing my past to rule me.
“I’m sorry, Maisie. You’re right, I know you are, but I just hoped it might explain why I did what I did.”
I glanced over and watched as Maisie got up and moved to the window. She kept her back to me and I could see her shoulders tense under her thin t-shirt.
“I’ll think about everything you’ve said, Sam,” Maisie said without turning around. “And I won’t keep you from Frankie, if that’s what you want, but to say I’m disappointed that you forfeited time with him because you thought I might do the same to you as some bitch who should have known
better, well that’s an understatement. I know we didn’t know each other that well, but you should have handled things so differently than you did.”
She slowly turned around to face me and the disappointment in her eyes was almost as devastating as when I saw it in my brother’s. I cared about her because she was a good person, and much more forgiving than I deserved, and maybe this was a step too far for her.
“I don’t hate you, Sam.”
Her words surprised me, because I was pretty sure I’d hate me if things had been reversed.
“I’m glad that you want to be Frankie’s dad, but I’m scared too and I know you were young, but if you can make a huge decision of not to be in his life because a woman lied to you, well it worries me what you’d do to him if something else spooked you.”
“It won’t happen,” I replied, shaking my head. “When he gets home you can dictate the pace and when we tell him, but it’s what I want. If I’m honest I regretted everything three years ago when we met to talk about the money I was sending to you. I should’ve said something then, but didn’t and then lectured Elijah about regret like the biggest hypocrite ever.”
“So what stopped you saying something then?”
“I thought he had a dad in Josh? I didn’t think I deserved it? To be honest I have no fucking idea, all I know is that I want this now, but I understand that you’re in charge.”
Maisie nodded and then turned back to the window. As I stood up to join her, she let out a cry.
“Maisie, what is it?” I asked, rushing to her side.
“More police are here. It’s bad news, Sam, I know it is.”
I looked down as two sombre looking officers walked up the drive and dread thundered around my body, knowing she was right.
Maisie
the present
I rushed down the stairs, getting to the bottom just as the two officers were walking through the door.
“What’s happened?” I cried, as I rushed toward them.