by Nikki Ashton
I took a deep breath and passed them both a mug of coffee, giving myself time to try and calm my nerves.
“Well?” Mum asked when I finally sat opposite them.
“I needed to talk to you, about Josh and about Frankie’s dad.”
I’d lain awake most of the night after we’d got home from pizza, thinking about what had happened and what Sam had said and I knew if he decided being a dad to Frankie was what he wanted, I’d have to tell my parents. They’d been the ones who’d supported me from the minute I’d told them I was pregnant and was doing it alone, so I owed it to them to tell them all about Sam.
“What about them – he isn’t Frankie’s dad is he?” My mum looked and sounded horrified, but when Dad growled her name, she quickly checked herself. “I mean, I’m sure you’d have told us before now if he was.”
“No, Mum,” I replied. “He isn’t, but you should know we broke up.”
Neither of my parents could hide their relief, both of them sagging back against the cushions on the sofa in a synchronised move.
“What happened?” Dad asked.
“He showed me that he really isn’t the sort of man I want around my son.”
Mum opened her mouth to speak, but suddenly snapped it shut, obviously deciding against the ‘I told you so’, that she was evidently going to blurt out.
“Did he do something specific?” Colour rose in my dad’s face and I knew that he had an idea at what Josh might have done.
I told them everything about his behaviour that night and about him coming back and trying to get into the house, but I didn’t mention Sam.
“Why the hell didn’t you call me,” Dad cried, leaning forward and clasping his hands together in front of him. “I would have come around and got rid of him. Neither of you should have been scared like that.”
“It was fine, Dad.”
I blew out a breath and straightened my shoulders. This was the time to tell them everything. To explain how Frankie was being coached by his father and how the man that they probably hated for abandoning us had come to our rescue, and how he’d started to spend time with Frankie.
“How can it be fine?” Mum cried. “The man scared you. He threatened to hit my grandson. You could have both been in real danger with a man like that. I knew he’d changed, but to turn violent, what if he had hurt you?”
“Well he didn’t and we weren’t in any danger because once I threw him out, Sam arrived.”
They looked at me blankly and then at each other, their brows furrowed in confusion.
“Sam?” Dad asked.
“Who’s Sam, lo-?”
My mum clamped her mouth shut abruptly, realisation hitting her right between the eyes.
“So Frankie’s father is called Sam.” Dad looked at me expectantly. “And Frankie knows?”
I shook my head. “No. He just thinks Sam is his swimming coach.”
“What? I thought he was called Danny. Your mum told me he was a young lad called Danny.”
“He was.”
I went on to explain how Sam had become Frankie’s coach and all about the first time that I’d seen him in years. I told them about Elijah seeing Josh smash my car and how Sam had turned up and why I’d called him the next night when Josh came back to the house.
“So what, you’re a couple now?” Mum asked incredulously.
“God no,” I cried. “He’s just spent some time with us, making sure we were safe. I think he feels bad about the years he ignored the fact he had a son and now he knows Frankie, well he’s enjoying his company.”
“Well how very big of him,” Mum snapped, flouncing back against the sofa. “And you’ve just let him waltz into Frankie’s life as though he’d only missed a couple of weeks of it.”
“No, I haven’t. It just happened. I had no idea he was Frankie’s swimming coach, I even told him he had to quit.”
“Yet he’s ended up spending time with you both as soon as you’ve ended your relationship.”
“Yes, Mum, but only because of the way my relationship ended. It was his brother who called him, not me.”
“So his family know about Frankie?” Dad asked, placing a palm on my mum’s vigorously bobbing knee.
Shit, how did I tell them that they were the last to know about it all? I decided that a little white lie wouldn’t’ hurt.
“Only his brother knows, but now Sam’s going to tell his parents too.”
“So it’s serious then?”
“What?” I asked my mum. “What’s serious, him wanting to spend time with Frankie?”
“You and him.”
“I’ve told you, there is no me and him. This is all about him wanting to get to know Frankie.”
“Calm down, Jen,” Dad soothed. “Just let Maisie explain.”
“She’s explained,” Mum scoffed. “The father is back in their lives and spending time with them, and she just so happens to have ended her long term relationship.”
“Which you’ve been wanting me to do for ages,” I added.
“Not the point Maisie and you know it.”
Mum crossed her arms over her chest and moved her head to look out of the window, into the garden. Her gaze intently fixed to Frankie’s swing, blowing in the wind.
“Listen,” I said with a long exhale. “You should know he stayed the night but -.”
“And you’re telling me there is no you and him.”
Mum’s angry eyes were back on me and the hardness of her stare made me feel about ten years old again.
“Jen,” Dad warned.
“Well I’m sorry Michael, but she needs to realise it’s not good for Frankie for her to be moving from one man to another, even if the latest one is his dad.”
“I’m not moving from one man to another,” I cried, agitated by my mother’s refusal to understand. “He’s been making sure we’re safe, that is all. He slept on the sofa the night Josh tried to get in. There’s no hint that he wants anything more than to be in Frankie’s life. Which is the only reason that I’m telling you this. He took us for pizza last night and pretty much asked if he can start being Frankie’s dad.”
“Pretty much?” Dad repeated. “What does that mean?”
I was beginning to wish I hadn’t bothered telling them until I was sure what Sam wanted to do. I knew that if Sam decided fatherhood wasn’t for him, my parents would be on at me for the rest of my life about how all of this would affect Frankie. Somehow though, something was telling me that Sam was ready and he just needed a little more time to be sure.
Maybe I should have told him to take a running jump, but while his uncertainty scared me, I didn’t want to dismiss him immediately in case I was denying Frankie the opportunity of knowing his dad.
Sam could just as easily say he wanted to be in Frankie’s life and be an amazing dad as he could turn around and tell me it wasn’t what he wanted, but as long as Frankie didn’t find out until I could trust Sam’s decision, then I had to give him that time.
“It means, Dad, that I’ve told him to go away and think about it. To be one hundred percent sure before we take it any further. I won’t have my son hurt, so Sam needs to be aware once he tells me he wants in then he has to be fully in, because if messes up just once, then I’ll make sure he regrets it and he’ll never get a second opportunity at this.”
My dad nodded and looked to my mum who didn’t seem half as calm as him. She was looking up at the ceiling muttering wordlessly to herself. Dad gave her thigh a squeeze and smiled at me.
“Do what you have to do, love,” he stated. “Your mum and I will stand by you, but if he messes up just once, I’ll punch his bloody lights out.”
I allowed myself a little smile, not really fancying my dad’s chances against the six feet of tattooed muscle that was Sam Cooper. He’d have to get in line behind me anyway, because I would not allow him to hurt Frankie and get away with it.
“You know this might all be immaterial,” I sighed. “Sam might decide it’s not what he wa
nts.”
“Whatever, we’re right behind you, aren’t we Jen?”
“I’m worried about both of you,” Mum said, leaning forward and reaching for my hand. “You obviously liked him once, enough to sleep with him, so what if you fall for him again but it’s only Frankie he wants.”
“Mum, nothing is going to happen between me and Sam.”
I felt my skin heat, because I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find him attractive and think about that night we’d had together, because I did, but I couldn’t afford to let my judgement be clouded by lust for Sam. I needed to be on the ball and making sure he was doing right by our son. It didn’t matter how sexy or good looking I thought he was, Sam and I were a thing of the past. We’d had our time, one night, almost nine years ago.
“We’ll see,” she replied and gave me a small smile. “I suppose we should meet him.”
I shrugged. “If he wants to be a dad to Frankie then, yes, you will.”
“And Frankie?” Dad asked. “When are you going to tell him?”
“That,” I breathed out heavily, “is something I’ll need to consider very carefully. I want him to get to know Sam first. He already likes him, but they need to spend more time together, just the two of them.”
I saw worry whisper across my mum’s pretty features and knew she was going to find it difficult, letting go and allowing another man into mine and Frankie’s lives. She’d always been protective of Libby and me, but her instincts to safeguard Frankie’s safety and security were much more intense.
“Everything will be fine, Mum,” I whispered getting up to hug her. “I promise, I won’t let him hurt Frankie.”
“I know love,” she replied. “But who is going to make sure he doesn’t hurt you?”
Sam
the present
There so many thoughts swimming around in my head I couldn’t concentrate on any one thing. I had a half painted bathroom, thinking doing something with my hands would keep me occupied and stop me from calling Maisie, but it hadn’t helped. All I could think about was Frankie and ended up making a fucking mess of the paintwork so I gave up, putting it off for another day.
I understood why Maisie had told me I needed to think things through carefully, it was a huge decision to make, embedding myself into Frankie’s life couldn’t be a three day wonder – it was for life. Plus, there was the guilt I felt at having not been around for the last eight years, especially how I’d treated Maisie at the hospital on the day she’d given birth to him. I’d practically called her a slag as well as a liar. Accusing her of passing off someone else’s baby as mine had been fucking mean as shit, and knowing that she was simply not that sort of person made it worse – it certainly wasn’t my finest moment.
I was pretty sure I knew what I wanted to do, but there was a part of me that was still shit scared, which was why my little brother had decided to call around and give me the benefit of his fucking wisdom. According to him, he’d been sick of me looking as though I’d been kicked in the nuts with a stiletto shoe for the last couple of days.
“I know you want to give me another lecture, Eli,” I said leading him into the kitchen. “But I’m not in the fucking mood. I’ve been dodging calls from Mum all week wanting to know what I’ve decided. Talking of which you can tell Amy she’s in trouble next time I see her.”
Eli grinned. “You should know better than to have told her. You know she can’t keep her mouth shut.”
“Yeah, but to tell Mum that I’m thinking of becoming a dad to Frankie – really?”
I opened the fridge and pulled out a couple of bottles of beer, flipped the caps, and passed one to my brother.
“She said it just slipped out.”
“It’s not fucking funny,” I grumbled. “She knew I’d get a fucking ton of calls. None of you are going to force my decision on this, it’s too fucking important.”
“Yeah, we know that. What I don’t understand though, Sam, is why you’re even having to do this. Why the hell did you decide that you couldn’t be in his life? It’s not like you to shirk responsibility. Look how you looked after me when Amy left. I’d have never got through that without you.”
I looked down at my feet, wanting to dodge the subject of the shit that was going on in my head at the time of Frankie’s birth. I’d let Alison’s actions cloud my judgement. I’d let the heartbreak I’d felt at losing her and what I thought had been my child turn my heart hard and unfeeling. I’d been stupid and selfish only thinking about myself and not once considering that Maisie might have needed me for something more than money.
“Sam,” Eli said, nudging my arm with his beer bottle. “What’s going on in your head, tell me.”
I lifted my head slowly and shrugged. “I have no idea.”
“Yes you do, otherwise you wouldn’t be second guessing everything. If you really didn’t care you’d have called Maisie by now and told her you were out, but you haven’t. You’ve spent the last couple of days thinking and worrying that you’re doing the right thing, which pretty much tells me you’re ready to be a dad to that kid.”
I rolled my eyes. “What made you so wise, bro?”
“I’ve always been fucking wise,” he scoffed. “You’re the doer and I’m the thinker.”
“Whatever.” I let out a long breath and scrubbed a hand down my face. “I do want it, I do, but what if I let him down, or what if I’m shit at it?”
“You’ll make mistakes, every parent does.”
“Yeah, but she told me I had one chance. What if I blow that chance and she tells me to fuck off, but by then I’m in so fucking deep with him that I can’t leave?”
“I don’t think she meant you’d blow it by getting him the wrong Xbox game or by feeding him ice cream for breakfast. I’m pretty sure she meant you can’t say ‘yay Frankie, I’m your dad’ and then decide it’s not for you.” Eli took a long swig of his beer, keeping his eyes on me at all times.
“What?” I asked.
“What aren’t you telling me,” he replied. “There’s something more to this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking happy that you’ve finally decided to step up to the plate, but it’s only taken a couple of weeks for you to get to that point, so what the fuck happened when he was born for you to just tell Maisie you weren’t interested, and don’t give me the crap about looking after me and wanting to concentrate on the business. I know you, I know there’s something else.”
My guts flipped over as I watched my brother carefully. I’d kept so many secrets from him, Frankie being one of them and he hadn’t reacted well to finding out. Maybe I was being a coward, but if I told him now about Alison, would it fracture our relationship beyond repair. We’d gotten over me not telling him I had a son, but maybe another secret would be one too many for him.
“There’s nothing,” I replied, my face devoid of any expression, hoping he wouldn’t be able to read me.
“I know that’s a damn lie. You can’t fool me, Sam, but if you don’t want to tell me then don’t, but I’m really struggling here with the realisation you may actually have been a prick when Frankie was born. You’re my big brother and I’ve always looked up to you, yeah you talk shit from time to time, but you’re not a coward, or a poor excuse for a man. You’re a good man Sam and the brother I know wouldn’t have abandoned his child for no reason.”
His words felt like a punch on the jaw and I was glad I was leaning against a cupboard, otherwise I think I’d have stumbled with the despair at disappointing him. He was everything to me and he was the best man I knew apart from my dad, and the thought that he might think less of me made me feel sick. I wanted to be the one he looked up to, always had been from the moment he was born, but I was beginning to see he was the one I should be looking up to and I knew in that moment that Frankie deserved this man in his life.
“I had an affair with my swimming coach from the age of sixteen and when I was eighteen she got pregnant. She let me believe the baby was mine, but on the day she was born she fina
lly told me it was her husband’s, even though she’d told me she wasn’t with him for the last eleven months we were together.”
I tried to say the words in a quiet, measured way, but the enormity of what I was finally admitting to someone was too much. The relief at revealing a secret that had plagued me and shaped my life for years was immense. My voice cracked with emotion and I slowly slid down the cupboard until I was crouching down.
“What?” Elijah asked, dropping his beer bottle onto the floor.
I looked up at him and swallowed hard. “Alison had a baby that I thought was mine but it wasn’t. We had an affair for two years, from when I was just sixteen.” I let out a hollow laugh. “If you can call it that, basically we shagged in the changing rooms at the pool, apart from one time when her husband was evidently away.”
I sat down on the floor and felt a wetness seeping around my backside as Elijah’s beer flowed slowly toward me. I glanced down at the pale amber liquid but didn’t have it in me to move, staying there until Eli flopped down beside me with a muttered ‘fuck’.
“She was your coach and you were a kid,” he said looking totally bewildered. “That’s fucking sick, Sam.”
“Yeah, I know that now, but at the time I thought I was god’s fucking gift for bagging her, having someone like her wanting me.” I thought about it for a few seconds. “She was thirty-three, same age as I am now.”
Eli blinked slowly and then shook his head. “That’s just wrong.”
“But like I said, I didn’t realise that at the time because I wanted it as much as her. As soon as my hormones kicked in I tried everything to make her see me as more than a bit of a kid who was pretty good at swimming. Then, when I hit my sixteenth birthday and got a bit of stubble on my chin, bingo, she noticed me.”
I had no clue why I was almost defending her, she’d been so fucking wrong in what she’d done. Apart from it probably being illegal, her actions had made me do something that I wasn’t proud of – I’d denied my son.