Stealing Nasreen

by Farzana Doctor

  “Rahim, meet my friend, Raj,” Salma said breathlessly as they emerged from her bedroom.

  “Nice to meet you. Are you two colleagues at the school?” asked Rahim, his eyes narrowing at Raj.

  “No, Raj works at her family’s computer store. You know Patel’s?” Salma smoothed her mussed hair, straightened her blouse, tried to look casual.

  “Oh, yes, off Turner Road? So how did you meet?” His face was smiling, but Salma knew that he silently appraising Raj and methodically gathering information.

  “Well, it was at the café, wasn’t it?” Salma said, her eyes darting between Rahim and Raj.

  “Yes, that’s right. And you see, I am just returning to school and since it’s been awhile, I asked Salma to help me with some of my assignments. I have a paper due next week, and Salma’s helping me.” Salma admired Raj’s quick thinking. She nodded vigourously at Rahim, studying his expression.

  “Ah, I see, Salma’s tutoring you.” His face relaxed and Salma breathed for the first time since his arrival.

  The lie provided the women a convenient excuse to meet from that point on. Raj arrived for her “tutoring” at the flat two evenings each week, carrying with her an old English textbook and binder as props. While Salma’s family sat watching TV in the living room, Salma and Raj “worked” for two hours behind Salma’s closed bedroom door. At the end of the evening, they would emerge flushed and happy, and Salma would say something like, “You should do very well on that test” or “I’m sure that essay will earn you top marks!” Her parents would distractedly look up from watching the evening news and trill, “Good luck to you!” as Salma saw Raj to the door.

  Even the weather assisted their cause, allowing them to spend their first night together. One December evening, an unexpected storm drenched the city, and the forecasters warned of dangerous winds and a possible tornado. Of course, the couple barely noticed what was happening outside Salma’s bedroom window, being so entranced with one another. Just as Raj readied herself to leave, Salma’s father refused to let her go outside into the downpour and Salma’s mother instructed Rahim to place a mattress on the floor beside Salma’s bed so that she could stay the night.

  While Salma’s parents retired next door, Salma and Raj undressed. Salma looked away from Raj, feeling self-conscious, the way she did the first time she had to change out of her school uniform and into gym clothes in front of others at school. She wondered what Raj would think about her body. Sure, they had groped and slithered their hands up and under one another’s tops and skirts and pants already, but what if after seeing her body for the first time, Raj didn’t like it? She barely had enough time to worry about this before Raj guided her to her bed and helped her remove the last of her clothing.

  Salma will always remember every detail of that first night with Raj. At least she thinks she remembers it exactly as it was, without too much creative embellishment that a memory of a first sexual encounter tends to have. She remembers the full body sensation of her bare skin sliding under Raj’s. With the rain pelting down, they kept the windows shut and the room grew hot and stuffy. She memorized the taste and smell of Raj’s salty sweat. She remembers feeling shy when Raj touched her inner thigh, can still call up the tickle of Raj’s fingers slipping between her legs. She’s commited to memory the feel of Raj’s tongue against hers.

  She surrendered to the experience while remaining vigilant to the sounds outside her room. She monitored Rahim’s springy steps to the bathroom around midnight, her father’s light snoring mixed with the howls of the wind outside, her mother’s tired padding to the kitchen at first light to start breakfast preparations. She knew that if her family had opened her unlocked door, and saw the scandalous adventure that was happening inside, the tempest within the apartment would have been far angrier than the one raging outside. But perhaps it would not have been so dramatic. Salma’s father might have yelled and threatened them, while her mother stood by and cried. Rahim would have had to step in and try to mediate the conflict while being disappointed himself. Her parents would have wondered what had become of their shameful daughter, questioned where they had gone wrong, and ultimately they would have blamed Raj, forbade Salma to see her ever again and forced a marriage upon her. But no one opened her bedroom door that night, and the storm passed over Bombay, the sun breaking through the clouds by daybreak.

  Would Salma have blamed them for their judgements? She rarely thought about it at the time, moving through the world in love’s first embrace, her mind possessed by thoughts of Raj: daydreams in the middle of Standard Five punctuation lessons, fantasies during school meetings, gleeful reveries while on the bus home. But there were moments during which her private thoughts were interrupted by worries that she was somehow abnormal, if not immoral. She wondered if she was experimenting with something that was beginning to feel dangerous, something that she should not have allowed to go on so long or so far.

  Through the rest of December, Salma and Raj continued to be obsessed with devising ways to spend time together. They cursed the clear skies and settled weather for not providing them another easy excuse to sleep together. Twice they pretended that Raj needed to stay late to prepare for an exam, with the hope that they could easily extend the visit overnight. On one of those occasions, Salma’s mother suggested inhospitably that Raj should leave before it got too late. Another time, Rahim offered to drive Raj home, rather than allow their meeting to extend past bedtime. Raj felt sure that Salma’s family had begun to harbour suspicions about their relationship, but if they had, no one said anything directly to Salma.

  In January, Raj told Salma that she and two friends were planning a trip out of town and urged her to join them.

  “This is our chance to spend time together and overnight too! And my friends have been wanting to meet you,” Raj pleaded.

  “What will I tell my family?” Salma so badly wanted another night with Raj and this time without the threat of being caught by her parents. Together, they considered the excuses she could use to fool her parents. In the end Salma’s parents did not protest when she told them that she was going to a hill station with a group of women friends from school. Perhaps they were relieved that she was finally spending time with her other friends.

  Salma and Raj waited for Maya and Anjali at the train station. Salma was surprised when two very feminine women appeared and were introduced to her. Both had long hair and wore make-up even! She had never met another woman-woman couple, so she just assumed that Maya and Anjali would more closely resemble Raj and herself.

  They boarded a train to Lanavala, and Salma began to relax a little as the foursome chatted and joked during their journey. Salma looked around to see if any of the other passengers were staring or suspected the four women of being two couples. Once or twice she noticed an old lady across the aisle glancing over at Raj, but she could not tell whether she was listening in on the lively conversation, or noticing Raj’s masculine style. She did not want to be given away by Raj and made sure to remain a safe physical distance from her during the three-hour trip.

  Salma peppered Maya and Anjali with questions while they ate dinner at a local restaurant; she was curious about their feelings for one another, their secret arrangements, whether they were being pressured to marry, if they knew others like them. Although she had heard of homosexual men before, she hadn’t thought that women could be this way. Anjali said that she called herself gay. Salma tried to fit this label onto herself. Wasn’t it possible that she was just a normal woman who happened to like Raj? While they walked back to the inn after dinner, Maya spoke privately to Salma, while Anjali and Raj walked a few feet ahead of them.

  “You know, it is very hard, and it is dangerous sometimes. But you can make it work if you really want it. You have to decide if you are ready for the struggle that is involved. Raj has been hurt by women who have stuck with her only for the fun and then left when the pressure got to be too much.
I hope you’ve thought about what you want out of this,” she cautioned. Just then, they arrived at the inn, and Raj and Anjali turned so that she and Maya could catch up with them. Salma pushed away Maya’s words and focused on Raj, who was eyeing her flirtatiously. Why did Maya have to be so serious? They were there to have fun, weren’t they? The couples parted ways and headed to their separate rooms.

  Alone with Raj, Salma could finally let her guard down. For the first time they did not have to worry about sounds outside their room or someone walking in; the only person in one another’s secluded locked-door universe was the other. Salma brazenly stripped out of her jeans and blouse and stood before Raj in her bra and underwear.

  “You’re not shy tonight,” Raj said, the desire in her eyes making goose-bumps prickle across Salma’s skin.

  Raj stepped towards her and turned Salma around to face the dresser mirror. “Look at you, how beautiful you are.” No one had ever told Salma that before. “And look,” Raj said, pinching Salma’s right nipple through her bra, “You seem a little cold.”

  “So warm me up,” Salma said, embarrassing herself with her own lustful words. She saw Raj’s smile in the mirror’s reflection. She watched as she cupped both her breasts, kissed her neck and then ran her hands across her belly. She saw Raj’s right hand push past and under her underwear’s elastic and in the mirror Raj’s eyes stayed on Salma’s, willing her to meet them in the mirror. Salma felt her knees buckle and she closed her eyes, keeping them closed while Raj led her to the bed. She felt Raj’s hands on her back and her bra falling away. She opened her eyes and watched Raj slowly unbutton her shirt and pull down her jeans.

  “Close your eyes.” Salma felt the scratchiness of the wool blanket as she was pushed back on the bed. “Keep them closed.”

  She did as she was told, feeling cool air against her skin and her underwear being peeled off. At first she was startled by the moist heat of Raj’s mouth, and the kneading pressure of her tongue inside her. She had never imagined this was part of making love. What is she doing down there? She opened her eyes just a little, and they widened in surprise as she saw one finger, two fingers, maybe more, slid deep within her, pushing inside, pressing up against her, filling her up. She looked to the ceiling, noticed that the overhead lights were still on.

  Feeling breathless, lightheaded, she closed her eyes again. She felt prickly heat across her chest, her stomach, down through her thighs. Her heart thundered in her chest and then everything was vibrating, humming – even parts of her she didn’t know she had. When she opened her eyes again, she saw Raj smiling down at her and Salma laughed out loud, giddy with love. Then inexplicably, instantaneously, her mood shifted and her eyes filled with tears. Shame and confusion clouded her head, keeping her up the rest of the night. Had she done something sinful? But it had felt good. Could she be in love with a woman? She felt like she was going mad.

  Later, in the long night that followed, Salma tried to push away Maya’s warnings. But she was right, like the foolish girl she was, she had allowed things to go too far. She felt too much for Raj and she knew she would end up hurting her, despite those feelings. While she watched the dark sky outside begin to brighten, she deliberated about how impossible it was to maintain a secret relationship. The initial scheming and concealment of their relationship, the way they had managed to fool her family, had seemed thrilling at first. Now, in the dim motel room, with her lover sleeping beside her, their secrecy exposed itself for what it was; childish, selfish, irresponsible. The effort involved turned from exciting to confining and oppressive. Could they continue to live this way for three years, the way Anjali and Maya had? How had their families not found out? How many lies had they told?

  Not wanting to ruin the weekend, Salma kept her worries to herself and with the skills of an actress, numbly smiled her way through the next day. On their second night in Lanavala, Raj reached for her and Salma rebuffed her with an excuse that she was too tired to make love. Raj looked disappointed, then confused. Salma did not know what to say, or how to reconcile her conflicted feelings. How could she explain that she loved Raj and also knew she could not continue loving her? Instead, she said nothing. She tossed and turned the night away while Raj, too, stayed awake, wondering what she had done wrong.

  Salma avoided Raj that following week. “I’m sorry, Raj, I’m not feeling well, I must have caught a cold at the hill station,” she said when Raj called her days later. Meanwhile, she began writing a letter. Her fourth draft seemed terribly insufficient and but she finally had to send it:

  Dear Raj, I realize that I love you very much, but I also realize that I cannot go on seeing you like this. When I saw how Maya and Anjali have maintained their relationship, I was impressed at their devotion and tenacity. But I was also very aware of how difficult this must be for them. I cannot live my life with secrets, and we both know that is not possible to be open. Although I love you, I don’t think I am enough like you or Maya or Anjali to make this my life. I am so sorry to hurt you like this. I hope you can forgive me. I will always love you. Salma.

  After receiving the letter, Raj called a few times, pleading with Salma to meet her. She tearfully asked Salma to reconsider and tempted her with possibilities of staying together without secrets. She told Salma that she had created a plan to leave India but Salma refused to meet, refused to listen. She did not want to hurt Raj any more than she already had and she could not risk anyone knowing about their relationship. She firmly believed that it would be best for them to not meet for a long time and she kept to her decision despite Raj’s calls and letters.

  Now, Salma wonders if she was wrong to be so stubborn. What if she had hurt Raj even more by not meeting her? If she had to do it all over, Salma thinks that she would have seen Raj again, and certainly would not have sent that awful letter. At least she would have said goodbye properly. But she was younger then, and heartbroken herself.

  Her family noticed that something was wrong. They witnessed a sudden weight gain, saw her sulking around the flat and not leaving except to go to work. She cried easily and often. When this continued through March, her mother suggested she see a doctor to see if anything was wrong. Her father told her it was time to think seriously about marriage. Ritu counselled her to take a few days off from work to rest. She complied with their suggestions, not knowing what else to do. Rahim was the only one who asked her about Raj. “Aren’t you tutoring her anymore?” He wanted to know.

  “No she did really well in her course and I thought she could go it alone.” She longed to tell him about her despair. She wanted to tell him how pointless life felt without Raj, how unfair it was that she was in love with a woman. She wanted to have one person who would understand the new and constant pain that distracted her while she taught, gave her headaches during teachers’ meetings, and made her cry on the bus ride home.

  Now, so many years later, Salma still wishes she could have told someone. Impulsively, she decides to write a letter to Ms. Madhuri. But what to say? What to tell? It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter. She decides to tell all, only editing out the names and place in case her letter gets published. She fills an entire nine pages, starting with how she first met Raj, and how she ended the relationship two-and-a-half months later. She tells Ms. Madhuri of the memories that won’t seem to let go. She admits that she had wanted to see Raj after some time had passed, when the sorrow finally dissipated, perhaps even meeting her at Baldev’s, to tell her that she was truly sorry. But the right time never seemed to come. And then months passed. She got married, entered a new life with Shaffiq, one so different from the universe she shared with Raj. And then she simply forgot. She pushed Raj so completely from her mind that it was like she had never been there in the first place.

  She signs off the letter, “Goodbye from Canada,” addresses an envelope, and licks the glue strip twice to seal it well. Despite the sour taste in her mouth, her relief is sweet. Later that day, on
her way to work, Salma drops a very fat airmail envelope into a red Canada Post mailbox. It pushes through the yawning mouth of the box and hurtles down to the waiting mailbag at the bottom. It patiently sits with all the other letters and parcels, waiting for deliverance. Salma walks to work and the sidewalk before her is gloriously clean and white, leading the way.

  Chapter 24

  A WEEK LATER, Nasreen is just about to step out of her office when the phone rings, the indicator light blinking red. She hesitates, but on the fourth ring, leans across her desk and answers.

  “Hi Nasreen, this is Miranda.”