Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one

by Anderson, Lilliana

  “They’ve all drunk the Kool-Aid,” Tom muttered, shaking his head.

  “And there’s nothing we can do without looking like total jerks,” I said.

  As the weeks turned into months, I found myself trying to be pleasant and act friendly out of respect for Trina. But quietly I stood by, hoping that eventually she’d see him for what he was and break it off. But my hope was failing.

  A few months later, I was at Uni for one of my commerce lectures. When it finished, I sat outside talking to a couple of classmates about an upcoming essay when Monica showed up.

  “Hey, Dave,” she said, dropping her hip to the side. “Looks like I’m free Friday night. Will you be at the bar?”

  “What happened to your boyfriend?” I frowned, not wanting to tread on some other guy's toes.

  “Oh, that’s been over for a couple of weeks. Turns out, those guys are dickheads. I was glad to see the back of him,” she said, flicking her long blonde hair over her shoulder.

  “Does Christopher count as one of those dickheads too?”

  “Oh yeah. Christopher’s probably the biggest dickhead of all.”

  “How so?”

  “Tries to act all alpha and shit. Hates anyone who goes against his word. If you have an opinion that doesn’t mesh with his, he puts you down. Typical bully-type shit. He’s a jerk.”

  “You’re saying the good guy thing is an act? And the moment I do something to piss him off, he’s gonna turn on me?”

  “Yeah. But, I’m guessing you already sensed that since he’s dating your girlfriend.”

  “I did. But she’s not my girlfriend. You know that better than anyone.”

  The others I was talking to got up and said goodbye. So Monica took the opportunity to sit down with me.

  “Don’t you see how your life works? Katrina is the girl in your life. The rest of us are all just fill-ins because you aren’t sleeping with her. You’re a legit good guy, Dave. If you aren’t gonna date her, let her go a little. You and I could have a pretty good time together.”

  “That’s not how we work, Mon. I don’t do relationships.”

  “That’s because you’ve always been in one without realising. But where is she right now? She’s with some guy who doesn’t let you hang around, stringing you along in case things don’t work out. Then you’ll be her fill in guy until the next long term relationship comes along.”

  “Don’t talk about Trina like that.”

  She held up her hands. “I’m sorry. I just want you to see that you don’t have to be the guy on the outside. We could have a fun relationship. Nothing serious. Just two friends hanging out, having fun and fucking exclusively until we decide it’s over.”

  I gave her a dubious look. “You want me to quit sleeping around, hang out, only see you, and it’s not a full-on relationship?”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “Yeah. Why not? I won’t even call you my boyfriend. Just my guy. I think the fact that we keep coming back to each other should tell us something.”

  “I think all it tells us is that I’m an easy lay,” I said, grinning slightly as I looked around, watching other students walking past.

  “You’re a great lay, actually,” she said, nudging me with her shoulder.

  “See those two?” I nodded towards a couple lying together on the grass like they were in a scene from a romance film. “I can agree to this as long as we don’t do anything like that.”

  “No PDA?” She stood up and held out her hand for me to shake. “It’s a deal. You’re officially my ‘guy’.”

  “Then I guess that makes you my ‘girl’.” I wrapped my hand around hers and we shook on it. “But if even one term of endearment comes out of your mouth, it’s over.”

  She laughed. “Relax, David. I promise to only want you for your cock.”

  With that she left me sitting there laughing to myself as I watched her walk away, wondering how long it would be before Christopher turned on me.

  * * *

  That same day, I got home to find Trina waiting for me on the front porch, her face etched with trouble.

  “Hey there, baby girl. What’s got you looking so sad?”

  She smiled. “Baby girl? Did you forget my name or something?”

  “Nah. I’ve called you that before. You were just too drunk to remember.”

  “Oh.” Now she was frowning again. That wasn’t my goal.

  “Do you hate it?” Dropping next to her on the front step, I nudged my body against her. “It’s a term of endearment. You’re the only person I care about enough to give one to.”

  Her cheeks flamed briefly as she tucked her hair behind her ear. “I don’t hate it. It’s nice that you’re giving me one after all these years.”

  “Well, consider yourself renamed.” I stood up and pulled her to standing. “Want to talk inside?”

  With troubled eyes, she pressed her lips together and nodded. Unlocking the door, I let her walk past me as I hung my keys on the hook beside the door. “What’s up, anyway?”

  “Mum and Christopher,” she said, screwing her mouth up in a grimace.

  I grabbed the OJ from the fridge and poured us both a glass, placing hers where she leaned on the bench while I waited for her to continue.

  “Christopher is moving out of home and he wants me to move in with him. He’s even taking me around to help shop for furniture because he wants to buy the things I like. Mum’s totally on board with the whole idea, but I’m…” She shook her head and took a sip of her juice before sighing heavily. “I’m nineteen. Moving in seems like such a big deal, you know? I said I want to finish Uni first and honestly, I’d like it if we were dating for a bit longer than six months before we moved in. I don’t feel ready.”

  I wanted to say, “No way. You are not moving in with that guy. Over my dead body.” Or something with the same sentiment. But I squashed that visceral reaction down and went with something more diplomatic.

  “Sounds to me like you already know what to do,” I said, proud of how calm my response was.

  “Yeah. But, how do I tell them that? Christopher and mum are practically planning my life. I’m worried if I go, I’ll never finish Uni then I’ll start popping babies out before I’ve even had my twenty-first.”

  “You are the smartest and strongest girl I know. If you aren’t comfortable with something, then you should say no. It’s your life.”

  “What if he dumps me?”

  “No guy is going to break up with you because you need more time—unless he’s a jerk. The way I see it, you only move in with someone if you actually think you’re going to be together for good. Is that the way you see your life with Chris?”

  “Don’t call him Chris, you know he hates that.”

  “Christopher, whatever. Trina, make the choice that’s right for you. Don’t listen to your mum or Christopher, or anyone else. Do what’s right for you. Please.”

  Her mouth twisted from side to side. “I kind of wanted you to yell at me and tell me not to be a fucking idiot.”

  Releasing a burst of air, I bounced my shoulder. “I can’t make your decisions for you.”

  “I wish you would,” she said, downing the last of her drink and setting the glass on the bench. “It would be easier.”

  I offered her a small smile. “I don’t want you to move in with him.” It was what I wanted to say, but the words that came out of my mouth were very different. “Trust your heart, Trina,” I said, hoping her heart led to me more than it did to Christopher.

  But that was wishful thinking….

  Fifteen

  “All best friends go AWOL when they fall into a new relationship,” Monica said over the top of her beer. “It’s just how it works. She’ll come back to the fold once they’ve settled in to their new place and started fighting over whose turn it is to change the toilet roll. You’ll see.”

  “She’s nineteen.” I let my eyes drift to the live band playing covers of past hit songs.

  “We’re all nineteen.�
��

  “Christopher isn’t. He’s twenty-four.”

  “Some guys like ‘em young.”

  I shook my head. “It feels wrong.”

  Turned out that the answer inside Trina’s heart was Christopher. Within two weeks of our conversation, she was packed and gone. Her heart didn’t tell her to stay living at home until she finished her degree. It didn’t tell her to stay close to me. It told her to move to the other side of town and become partially dependent on a man she’d only been dating for six months. At nineteen.

  “Dance with me,” Monica instructed, taking my hand and pulling me towards the dance floor. She was probably sick of hearing me complain about never seeing Trina anymore. I was like a CD stuck on repeat. During the entire semester break, I’d barely had any contact with Trina. The need to see her again was plaguing my mind.

  Monica was adept at helping me forget though and joined me on my emotion-fuelled bender. We drank until I couldn’t think anymore, danced until I could barely stand, and fucked until I was so numb I couldn’t remember my own name. She was the perfect salve.

  After years filled with near misses and close calls, I’d accepted that Trina and I would never be on the same page romantically. At least I thought I had. I’d envisioned a life where she found someone and I stayed single, even added kids into the mix and imagined they’d call me ‘Uncle Dave’. And I was cool with that as long as Trina and I maintained our closeness. What I needed in life was her. I didn’t care about any of the physical shit. I cared about spending time with her, being the first person she called when she needed to talk, being the holder of all her secrets the same as she was mine.

  Maybe if she chose another guy, I’d be OK. But with Christopher, I felt replaced. Pushed out by a guy who barely tolerated me and smothered her freedom. A guy who wore a mask. A guy I was struggling to find a kind word for because he had her fooled. That wasn’t even my jealousy talking. It was the sixth sense that lives inside, telling us we’re in the presence of a predator. And the shit thing about it was that I didn’t know what kind of predator he was. I just knew he was this insidious being who manipulated the people around him and discredited those who didn’t fall in line or fit his plans. People like me and Tom.

  Unlike me, Tom had told Trina she was making a stupid mistake by moving in with Christopher. He stated all the reasons he thought it was a bad idea, but instead of taking his concerns on board, she accused him of trying to ruin her happiness. How were we supposed to argue with that? Tom and I felt sure Christopher was in her ear. “It’s like he’s trying to break her off from the herd,” he’d said. And I had to agree. It felt like Trina was a different person. All I could safely do was to keep watch and be there when she needed me. But it was hard.

  “Earth to David,” Monica said, clicking her fingers in front of my face. “You stopped dancing.”

  Frowning, I looked around. The dance floor was filled with bouncing and swaying bodies, and I was planted in the middle of it, my feet rooted to the floor.

  “I think I’m gonna go.”

  Monica grinned. “Sure. We can get out of here.”

  Placing my hand on her upper arms, I held her in place. “I’m not feeling it tonight, Mon. I’m just gonna go home.”

  Her face fell, but she nodded anyway. “You know where I am if you need me.”

  Later that night I sat in bed, staring at my phone and wondering how I was going to fix things. I needed my best friend in my life, but I knew that the harder I pushed, the more Christopher would push back. Now that they were living together, I didn’t think I’d win anymore. My confidence was shattered.

  Deciding that the best way forward was to be as non-threatening as possible, I settled on a simple text. Hope you’re settling in to the new place. Classes are back next week. See you then.

  Then I didn’t look at my phone until the next morning.

  * * *

  “Come to dinner.” Trina smiled as she walked next to me. With uni back in session, we had two classes together that ran three times a week. She left the moment they were through, claiming she had stuff to do at home. But we texted back and forth a lot.

  Even with the limited contact, I felt like I could breathe again. My eyes hurt when they didn’t see her. My head ached when we didn’t talk.

  “At your apartment?” Will Christopher be there?

  “Of course. It’s all set up now so I want you to see it. You can bring Monica and it’ll be like a double date.”

  “No,” I stated.

  “What? Why not? Aren’t you seeing her?”

  “Yes. But we’re not serious. If I start inviting her out for dinner, she’s going to start thinking I want more from her.”

  “Would that be such a bad thing?”

  “Yes, Trina, it would. I’ll come and check out your place, but I’m not bringing a date.”

  “Well, you might have to this time.” She winced.

  “Shit, Trina. What did you do?”

  “Well, I might have run into Monica in the bathroom and mentioned it.” She twisted her mouth downwards. “I’m sorry. You spend so much time together and you’re exclusive so I got excited for you. I didn’t realise you were still so anti-relationships,” she said.

  I sighed. “It’s fine. She knows where we stand. I’m sure she can handle it.”

  “Good. Because I don’t think Christopher will be so happy about this whole dinner thing if I just invite you.” She rolled her eyes and laughed while I bristled.

  “What’s so wrong with me?”

  “Nothing,” she said quickly. “It’s just…he knows we have some history. And, well, he gets jealous—like they all did—it’s easier for him knowing you have a girlfriend.”

  “Except I don’t have a girlfriend. I have a regular girl. It’s different.”

  “I get it,” she breathed. “I do. And this is totally my fault, but if you can please just make the exception and bring her this once, it’ll mean the world to me.”

  Releasing my breath, I nodded. “As long as you’re not the one cooking,” I said, trying to lighten the mood, knowing Trina wasn’t particularly talented in the culinary arts.

  She laughed, shaking her head. “No, Christopher will barbeque and I’ll just make a salad. I think I can handle that.”

  “OK. We’ll be there.”

  Wrapping her arms around my neck with a squeal, she jumped up and down in excitement, making me smile because I missed her. I missed this. I inhaled deeply before releasing her.

  “Thank you, David, I’m glad you’re coming. I’ve been so busy with the move, I’ve missed you lately. I’ve been a really shitty friend.”

  “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, baby girl. I’ll always be around some way or another.” I leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I’ve gotta go. My tutorial starts in about ten minutes.”

  “See you at my place around seven?”

  “Sure, I’ll bring a cake or something. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?”

  “I don’t know. This is the first dinner I’ve hosted.” She laughed. “If you do, just don’t cook it yourself.”

  “I’ll get Monica to make it,” I called over my shoulder as I headed to class. This was going to be a disaster.

  * * *

  I got to Trina’s place around ten past seven. She buzzed me through the security door straight away, but before I could even knock on their door, Christopher opened it and said, “You’re late.”

  “Um, hi, how’s it going?” I said, holding out a hand in greeting while balancing the cake I’d bought from the bakery in the other. He looked at it for a moment, and I thought he wasn’t going to shake it. But, when Trina called out ‘hi’, his demeanour changed, and he smiled at me and took my hand, shaking it like we were long-lost friends.

  “Thought you were bringing a date,” he said, sizing me up.

  “She couldn’t make it,” I replied, holding firm as he tried to crush my hand. I was lean, but I was strong. I wasn’t go
ing to react.

  “Pity. You could have cancelled.” He released my hand and stood aside.

  Walking past him, I clapped him on the shoulder. “Thanks, mate. But I didn’t mind coming alone.”

  He grinned outwardly. “But now you’ll feel like a third wheel.”

  The apartment had an L shaped living area with the dining area in front of the door, the kitchen off to the right and the lounge room in front of that. Off to my left were three doors that I assumed were the bedrooms and a bathroom. Compact, but functional.

  “David has never been a third wheel to anyone.” Trina walked out of the kitchen, smiling as she dried her hands on the side of her thighs. “The man is a unicycle. Doesn’t need anyone to hold him up. Am I right?”

  “Got it in one,” I said with a wink, handing over the cake as she kissed my cheek hello.

  “What happened to Monica?”

  “She couldn’t make it.” I grinned, changing the subject quickly. “I like your place.” Truth be told, Monica could have made it. But when we spoke about the invite, she also said she understood if I didn’t want her to go. So I told her I’d rather she didn’t. Not to rock the boat with Christopher, but to stay true to my own word. Just because Trina was dating some buffoon who was threatened by my single status didn’t mean I needed to buy into his shit and play his games. I always said I’d do anything for Trina, but lying about who I was was where I drew the line.

  Trina looked around the small, impeccably neat space and beamed. “I think it’s adorable.”

  “Adorable,” Christopher scoffed. “How manly.”

  With a giggle, Trina tapped him playfully on the arm. “I think you’re adorable too,” she said.

  Christopher rolled his eyes. “I’m gonna get this BBQ going since the little woman burns everything that requires heating.”

  “That’s not true. I made pasta last night. That was…” Trina’s lips twitched before they both laughed. “OK. It was edible at best.” She looked at me. “But I’m learning,” she said.