The fact she lied to me means only one thing … She’s as affected by me as much as I am by her.
Hope and possibility made his heart slam against his chest.
“Matt?” Her voice sounded fragile. “Matt, do you forgive me?”
He wasn’t sure how to respond. He desired to take her in his arms and kiss her openly just to feel the reaction it produced but what a dangerous an idea. He craved the sensation that would cause her to unravel, unglue, come undone. But he knew enough now to understand how unwise that decision would be. In fact, he was sure the pent-up passion he felt would probably overwhelm them both.
A soft hand touched his shoulder, and he felt the warmth of her presence behind him. “Matt, please talk to me.”
He turned slowly. One look and he fell into the glow of her chocolate brown eyes. He ached to touch her, to feel her, to get lost in her love, but instead he distanced himself.
That one step back caused her expression to change. A troubled light soaked her eyes in pain.
“I understand.” She turned abruptly and moved toward the door.
Instinct took over and he lurched forward to grab her. “No, you don’t understand.”
He eased her body around to face him and found the closeness intoxicating. Before he could stop himself, he wrapped her in his arms and rained kisses from her forehead to each closed eyelid, down her tiny nose to her waiting lips. With aching gentleness, he tasted the nectar that haunted him day and night. She opened to him like a tulip in the warmth of the sun. He touched and savored the joy of togetherness after months apart. His senses sprang awake, alive, aware. Passion thrummed through his limbs.
She sighed against his lips. Their kisses spoke words neither of them knew how to say. As breathing roughened and their bodies instinctively pressed closer, he felt the danger zone. A guttural groan escaped his lips as he tore apart. He took deep breaths to cool the hot blood racing through his veins with every cell screaming at the distance he placed between them.
“Oh my goodness, Matt, thank you.”
“Don’t thank me, thank God. Because there’s nothing natural about walking out of your arms right now.”
“What did you mean, thank God?”
“I mean … I wouldn’t have been able to do that without his strength.”
Her large brown eyes doubled in size. Shock flowered into a smile as large as a melon slice.
“Matt, are you telling me that you’re a Christian? Because what you just did demonstrates the power of the Holy Spirit.”
He nodded. “I’ve been a Christian since the day Melody was born. When you were lying so close to death on that hospital bed, I came to the end of myself. With all my knowledge and medical expertise and a team of doctors, only God could save you. I cried out, and he’s been with me ever since.”
“But that’s over three months ago, and you never said a word?” Her eyebrows arched in question.
“I didn’t want you to think I was making a spiritual commitment just to work my way into your life. I wanted you to see the changes.”
“Oh, Matt, this is incredible news.” She giggled like a schoolgirl.
“Please, tell me you’ve noticed some differences?” He found it charming how her eyes lit up in response.
“Yes, yes, I’ve seen changes but wouldn’t let myself dare dream …”
“Ha—so you’re holding out on me—you do dream of us.”
He stopped as a guarded look spread across her beautiful face, and she turned and walked into the house.”
He stood quiet for a moment and raked his hands through his waves. What was the problem? They shared an obvious attraction, a child, and the Christian faith. What in the world caused that reaction? He wasn’t sure he wanted to know but knew he had to find out.
The slam of the screen door made her jump as she stood by the kitchen sink.
“What was all that about?” He asked as he moved close enough to read her eyes. He waited patiently for her to meet his gaze before he spoke. Unable to help himself, he smoothed an errant curl from her forehead and brushed a thumb under one eyelid to catch a giant tear.
“From happiness to tears, in less than a New York minute?”
“I’m so confused, Matt.”
“Yeah, I think that makes two of us.”
“I enjoy your company so much, and you’re a great friend.”
“Please, don’t give me the let’s be friends talk.” A hint of frustration leaked into his voice.
“No, no, Matt, that’s not it. I can’t help but notice what a great father you are to Melody, and I’m moved beyond words. She needs you.”
“But you don’t.”
“Matt, please, let me finish. As I’ve already admitted, I’m clearly attracted to you, but at the same time I’m afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Yes. I don’t see how our lives can mesh.”
“I think Melody has already done that, don’t you agree?”
“On one level, yes, but there are so many other complexities.”
“I thought the only reason you were holding back was because of how you felt about Steven and our different belief structures. But, you just admitted the first one is surmountable, though I’d never expect you to give up your wonderful memories, and the second reason no longer exists. So, what are you afraid of?”
“I … I …” She stepped back and turned away. He could tell she was clearly bothered.
“I have a problem with the fact that I didn’t grieve my husband as I believe I should have. This pregnancy and all that has gone on in the past year has made me feel sad about that. I also think I need to respect where my boys are at and stay clear of any relationship, at least for a while.”
Matt could feel her slipping away, and out of desperation he opened his heart to her. “Anna, I love you. I tried not to all those months we were apart, but I couldn’t stop. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I want you to be my wife. I want the three of us to be a family.”
“But, but Matt—I don’t know how I feel. I’ve not allowed myself to feel. Can you understand how difficult this is?”
He nodded but wouldn’t relent. “That’s understandable. I have no problem with you taking whatever time you need. I just want you to know my intentions.”
“But … there’s so much more.”
“What do you mean?”
You’re younger than me, and that’s unsettling.”
“That makes no sense, we live in the twenty-first century where age means nothing.”
“I don’t know why, but it seems out of order. I guess I’m old-fashioned that way. And that’s small compared to the way women look at you.”
He lifted his brows in question.
“Come on, Matt. You know how good-looking you are? Women … well I don’t know … they savor you like a piece of rich chocolate, and I feel … I feel …”
He smiled. “Seriously? They savor me?”
“Yeah, I don’t know a better word than that. They gaze at you with that hungry look, and you know exactly what I mean.”
“Most people want an attractive spouse, and this is a problem for you?” He tried to make light of it. But she just kept on talking, and he realized how deep her uncertainties ran.
“Let’s face it, the differences between us are monumental. You’re affluent and educated, and I’ve been nothing more than a housewife. Your circle of friends, the huge house you live in, your cultured lifestyle with the theatre, opera, holidays all over the world, is all so completely foreign to me. I’m not a good fit for you. To start something that will only end in heartache for both Melody and me. It’s just not wise.”
“Seriously? When you said you were afraid, I never expected that you had a truck load of excuses piled in that pretty head of yours. For your information, I could’ve been married a hundred
times before now, but I’ve never come close to wanting to ask anyone. Surely that dispels the threat of other women.
“Anna, you know you bring me joy in a thousand ways, not to mention you’re the mother of our dear, sweet daughter who needs a family.”
“But—”
He moved closer. “Please let me finish.”
She dropped her head and placed her delicate hands over her face. “I’m so confused.”
“Look at me,” he said gently, as he lifted her chin and traced a soft caress across her cheek with the pad of his thumb.
“You’re incredibly beautiful, and not just on the outside but on the inside. The sad thing is, you don’t realize it.”
Her eyes darted up to his face and back down.
“I could argue the point that we’re never at a loss for good conversation, despite our educational differences, or that money and culture mean nothing without God and true love, but you know all that.”
“I … I …”
He placed a finger against her lips. “No need to explain,” he said gently. “I read 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 this morning, and it struck me what an incredible woman and wife you were to Steven. You loved your husband completely until the end, upholding all the qualities that chapter talked about. Although what we did was morally wrong, it wasn’t a sin against your marriage, Anna. Steven was gone, and you did a lot of grieving before he passed away. But you’ll have to let go of the guilt your son and your sister heap on your shoulders. I know God doesn’t expect you to carry that load.”
Tears clung to her thick bottom lashes, and he prayed his words would strike a chord.
“But the greater concern is that you don’t love me the way I love you, or you wouldn’t be filled with fear, insecurity, and a zillion excuses. I’ve never spent a moment giving thought to reasons why I should not step into a relationship with you.
“The opposite, however, is sadly your reality.”
“I’m sorry—”
“No, Anna, I don’t want your apologies. I want what you can’t give me.”
Giant tears coursed down her ashen face. He dropped a feather-light kiss on each cheek. He stayed with his forehead pressed into hers and his hands gently cupping the sides of her face for one last moment.
“It’s okay, Anna. Love cannot be forced. It just either is or it isn’t.”
“Goodbye, my love.”
He turned from her and walked out the door.
Tears flowed down her cheeks. She could feel the finality in Matt’s words. He hadn’t said goodnight, or see you tomorrow, as was his usual. He said goodbye.
Anna didn’t hear from Matt for four long days.
One glance at her call display with his number in view caused her to jump on it, which was telling in and of itself. She felt her heartbeat quicken at the thought of a conversation with him. She’d grown used to his company, and the last few days had been far too lonely.
“Anna.” His clipped tone caused her to pause.
There was no hello or friendliness. Just Anna. He didn’t wait for her to say hello before he launched into conversation.
“I feel it judicious to have Melody come stay overnight in my home with regularity. Based on our conversation a few nights ago, she’ll need to get used to our different homes, and for her sake, sooner is better than later. Since you believe our lives cannot mesh—to use your words, then I want to set up a nursery and work out an amiable schedule for the both of us.”
“But—” She could not get a word in edgewise as he kept right on talking.
“As you know, and most likely don’t need me to reiterate, I intend to be a very active and loving father to Melody, so begin contemplating what kind of schedule will work for you. I’m sure we can affably work out the details without the court’s involvement.”
She couldn’t believe it was Matt, he sounded like a lawyer spelling out an agreement.
“Please give it some thought, and I’ll be in contact soon.”
With not an ounce of warmth and all businesslike, he said, “Bye, for now.”
The line disconnected. Anna held the phone to her ear in shock. A deep sense of regret flooded over her as tears sprung to her eyes. She deserved and understood his distance. It wasn’t fair to enjoy his company when he desired so much more.
She would see to it that he had free access to Melody and work around his schedule until her maternity leave was finished. Melody was what they had in common and always would, and that thought oddly gave her a scrap of comfort.
Anna was nervous. Her sister had called and was popping over. It was their first conversation since the day Anna had talked to Tom. She had heard from Lorena and knew that things were tentatively working out at home, but she respectfully didn’t push for more information.
In times past, Lana would’ve walked in, called out her presence, and made herself at home—but not today. Like the arrival of a distant relative, the chime of the doorbell signaled her arrival. Anna had to hurriedly finish the diaper change and scoop up Melody to answer the door.
She decided to treat her sister as she always had. “Come in, Lana, you know you can just walk in.”
Lana moved in and stood just inside the door. She wrung her hands together but didn’t speak.
Melody broke up the awkward moment. She began to gurgle and coo and gave her mother a huge smile. Anna nuzzled her close. “You’re such a happy one, aren’t you?”
“Lana, take Melody for a minute, while I make us tea.” She thrust the child into her sister’s arms, and led the way into the kitchen.
Melody smiled widely with pure innocent love, and Anna could see that Lana was overwhelmed with emotion.
“You haven’t held her since the hospital, have you?”
Giant tears rolled down Lana’s cheeks.
“Oh, Anna, can you forgive me?” her voice cracked as she spoke.
Anna put down the tea kettle and came around the island to hug her sister. The two of them cried with Melody sandwiched between them. She reminded them she was still there and none too pleased at being ignored. Her scrunched up face and squirmy body broke the two apart.
“Looks like your little girl has a mind of her own.”
“Yes, she lets me know what she wants. But for the most part she’s happy and content and fills my days with love. I feel blessed to have her.”
“Anna, I’ve been so wrong to shun you and talk behind your back like I have. How self-righteous I was. I justified the gossip all under the guise of asking for prayer.”
Anna knew not to interrupt. This would be hard for her sister.
“But the worst of it is, I talked negatively to Mark about you. I knew he was struggling, and I supported his bad behavior. I encouraged him to stay angry, and I fed his spirit of unforgiveness because it fed mine too. I wanted company in my bitterness.”
“I know, Lana. It’s no big secret how my son feels about me. He’s never been one to hide his feelings, especially when he’s not happy about something.”
“But … but you helped us out when Lorena came to you, and I’ve done the opposite.” She tried hard to blink back her tears to no avail. “It could’ve been the perfect opportunity for you to do exactly what I did to you, but you didn’t.”
As she rocked Melody in her arms with tears coursing down her face, Anna realized she had never seen her sister look more beautiful. The professional, got-it-together woman with smudges in her perfect makeup made her seem real and endearing.
“Lana, we’ve both failed each other. I know what I did really embarrassed the family and that it hasn’t been easy for any of you. It’s a good thing God’s forgiveness covers all.” Anna smiled and moved to give her sister a quick hug.
Melody lunged her body toward her mom with her arms reached out. “I’ll put her down for her nap while you take a moment to freshen up, then we’ll
have some quality TTT and SSS.”
Anna purposely used the code words they had created as teenagers to bring back their closeness. “Time, tea, and talk to share and spill secrets.”
Lana smiled through her tears.
Walking back into the kitchen, Anna poured the tea and slid onto the stool across from her sister.
“I feel like such a failure as a mom.” Lana confided. “I know that I’ve given more time to my career in the past few years than I have to my kids or husband. The real estate market has taken off, and my work as an agent has sky-rocketed. I’ve even had to hire an assistant. The money is pouring in. People love me. I thought all was going so well.”
Lana flung her hands in the air. Her brightly painted purple gel nails with yellow sunflowers caused a momentary distraction for Anna.
“Then this hits and reality sinks in. I’ve been focused on the wrong things, and Lorena has slipped through the cracks.”
“It’s not too late. God is the author of second chances.”
Anna lifted her teacup to make a toast like they did as youngsters. Lana smiled and joined in.
“Here’s to a fresh start. You need to make some changes that will enable you to have time with your daughter, and Lorena will open up. I know she will. I witnessed some real tenderness underneath that crusty shell. It’s all a ruse. Deep down she’s frightened and really needs you.”
“I pray you’re right. All we’ve done is fight in the past few months. I’ve been easily riled by her saucy mouth and have retaliated in anger. But Tom is no longer putting up with any of that—neither disrespect from Lorena, nor anger from me. You’d never recognize him these days. He’s really changed. He’s taking this leadership role thing seriously, and he challenges my bad attitudes. I’ve had to back down numerous times.”
Anna laughed, clapping her hands. “Now that I’d love to see—you backing down.”
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