“It’s actually a relief,” Lana admitted. “Right now, I don’t know how to reach Lorena, and it’s going to take time to win back her trust. Tom on the other hand, has always been closer to her. He has a softer way about him which she responds to. It’s actually comforting to take the back seat.”
She snapped open the clasp on her purse and fished out a tissue to dab at the corners of her eyes. “There’s some good changes going on, I just have to embrace them.”
Anna got up and poured another cup of tea. She placed a piece of Lana’s favorite chocolate cake in front of her. “Made it fresh today, just for you.”
“Ah, Anna, you’re so much nicer than I am. You didn’t know how our meeting would go today, and yet you baked my favorite chocolate cake. What’s with that?”
“I had hope. I believed we’d find our way back together.”
“Speaking of “together,” I’ve bared my soul, but what about your life. What’s happening with you and Matt?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, are you two together? It’s been over a year, and you’ve had a baby. Obviously, there’s a connection. I also heard he became a Christian.”
“Yes, but where did you hear that?”
“Tom said Matt joined the Saturday morning men’s Bible study. Pastor Harry is his mentor and has encouraged all the men to make him welcome. But it’s weird, we don’t see him on Sundays with you.”
Anna shook her head. “That’s my doing. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him at our church due to the way others were having difficulties with us being together.”
“By others, you primarily mean me, right?”
Anna didn’t want to answer. “It’s not only you.”
“It’s okay. I deserve a smack upside the head. To think I’ve jeopardized Matt’s spiritual growth because of my unforgiveness.”
“God is faithful, Lana. Matt hasn’t seen a great example from me either. Yet still the love of God found him.”
“Tom and I were wondering if you two are talking marriage yet. You do love him, don’t you?”
Anna felt a flush of heat and knew she was turning red. “I don’t know what I feel. There’s been a lot of guilt associated with how this all happened, and I want to give my family and friends time to work it through before I selfishly run ahead. We’re actually not seeing each other at the moment, other than to drop off or pick up Melody.”
“What! You’re kidding, right? Doesn’t God remove guilt? Because if he doesn’t, then I’m in real trouble.”
“Well, yes … but—”
“No buts, Sis, or we’re all in a mess. I’ve done a lot of soul searching in the last number of weeks. I thought about the years of sadness and loneliness you endured during Steven’s lengthy illness, and suddenly, I understood. It was as if God opened my eyes to the way he looked in on your pain. I’m ashamed of my behavior and lack of love. I felt if I forgave you too soon, others would think I was in on the lies and my reputation would be ruined.” She shook her head. “I was more worried about what others thought than what God wanted me to do.”
Anna smiled in acknowledgment, “Yeah, do I ever know and understand that sin. We must be twins.”
They laughed together, both with the same inflection at the same time, which made them laugh all the more.
“I love you, Sis.”
“Love you more,” Anna said.
“Yeah, you probably do. I’ve been a royal pain these past months, but I know someone who loves you to the moon and back, so what’s not to love? You look ten years younger than me, and you make chocolate cake in the face of tyranny.” She popped a large piece in her mouth, smacking her lips in sheer enjoyment.
“Now, do tell. Come on, spill the beans.”
Anna smiled at the thought of Matt. She knew what her sister was asking but didn’t know what to say. She pushed her piece of cake around on her plate with a fork.
“I know Matt loves you. You should’ve seen him in the hospital when you almost died. I’ve never seen anyone look so tormented, and it made me angry. In my unrighteous indignation, I felt he had no respect showing that much emotion around the rest of us who had zero time to get used to the idea of him. But now I realize that when someone truly loves, they can’t hide it.”
Anna shook her head. “It’s all so complicated. Everything is out of order, and you know me, I don’t do chaos well. I like everything stable and sensible.”
“Anna, I can’t tell you what to do. But I can encourage you to stop basing your decisions on what others think, and ask God for wisdom. How about we commit this to prayer. We used to pray for each other way more than we do now.”
Anna enveloped her sister in a warm hug. They stayed that way for a long moment.
Lana pulled back and they each dabbed at their eyes. “We’ve become watering pots in our old age.”
“Hey, you may be getting old, Lana, but I’m much younger than you.” Like school girls with a secret, giggles filled the room.
“Hey, sweet pea, we’re going to go see Grannie Rita.” Anna lifted Melody from the crib. “It’s perfect timing. You’re bright-eyed, happy, and all napped out. But whew! I just got a whiff of something not too sweet. How can a such a pretty little thing smell like that?”
Melody answered with a big smile.
Anna pulled at the snaps on Melody’s pink onesie to change her diaper. Then kissed the bottom of her feet. She squealed in delight.
“Come on, lovie, we have chocolates to deliver. It’s almost Christmas, and I’ve bought Rita’s favorites.” She bundled Melody into her coat and adorable pint-sized boots and headed for the car.
A dust of snow covered the frozen ground with the promise of more. A few snowflakes drifted lazily down as Anna pulled into the Pine Mountain Senior’s Villa. “We’re not going to stay long, Melody. I don’t want to get caught in a snowstorm.” They bustled in doors.
Rita’s smile split wide and she stretched out her arms for a hug. Her eyes lit up when she viewed the box of sweets in Anna’s hand. “Oh, my dear, you didn’t have to—” she chuckled, “but I’m sure glad you did. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you since you been off on maternity leave, but my, don’t you look beautiful. Motherhood really agrees with you.”
Anna smiled. “I think it’s forgiveness that agrees with me, Rita, but I love being a mother again too.”
“Well, I would say both motherhood and forgiveness have you looking radiant, my dear. Now bring that wee one closer and help me hold her. I want to pray a blessing over her while I’m still this side of heaven.”
With plumped up pillows in just the right spot and the bed raised so that she could sit, Rita held Melody in her frail arms. Anna gathered in close, perched on the edge of the bed to help. Melody instantly stopped squirming as if Rita had a calm button she switched on. Anna was amazed, because one thing her daughter didn’t do easily was settle.
A soft prayer ensued, mumbled in words of the spirit that Anna couldn’t understand. Snuggled in tight, Melody’s eyes grew heavy and she batted her thick, long eyelashes a few times before succumbing to sleep.
Rita finished and handed the sleeping child back to Anna.
“How is the father to this dear, sweet child?”
Anna’s heart started to hammer within.
“Why, he’s fine Rita. He comes and takes Melody regularly and is a wonderful father.”
“He has given his life to the Lord.”
“Yes,” Anna answered.
“I know the answer is yes, my dear, but what I don’t know is why you deny this child her father?”
“But Rita, I don’t deny him. He comes and takes her whenever he can. I try and make it as easy for him as possible.”
“Anna, a father can’t fully father a child unless he is in a family that lives together. It’s too difficult to be part
of Melody’s life from a distance, a few days here and there. It’s not God’s way. It is the way of hard hearts and this crazy world. And it’s certainly not in the best interest of our children today the way they get shifted back and forth like a ping-pong ball.”
Anna felt the guilt of not having a family nucleus for Melody. She was good at guilt, but not so good at doing something about it. She hugged Melody close and avoided eye contact. She preferred to gaze upon her daughter’s peaceful slumber rather than Rita’s set of piercing gray eyes that could see their way into her troubled soul.
“You love him, Anna!”
Anna noticed how she stated the fact rather than ask the question.
“And you both need him, not just this dear child.”
“But, Rita, I don’t know what I feel.”
“Yes, you do, Anna.
“A woman like you with Christian convictions and a tender heart doesn’t just fall into bed with a stranger. That evening you had together was far more than the mere need for sex, and you know it.”
Anna gasped at her bluntness.
“Has he told you he loves you?”
Anna could not lie and nodded her head.
“Anna, open your eyes into the window of your heart. You were friends, long before Steven died. You had established relationship, trust, and respect for one another. There’s no sin in that. Then Steven died and all the barriers were taken down. There was affection, attraction, and yes, I wager to say … love.
“Just because you allowed things to evolve out of God’s order when you failed as mere mortals often do, there is no need to carry on in guilt.”
Clucking her tongue, she continued. “God isn’t asking you to pay penance for your sin, Anna. He paid the price on the cross, as you well know. You’ve repented and no longer live that lie. Now the only lie you’re living is not being honest with yourself.”
Her gaze, full of wisdom, drifted over Anna like loving hands.
“Anna, I know you love this man. I hear the tenderness in your voice when you speak of him. I see the way the mere mention of his name brings color to your cheeks and a smile to your lips. I may be old, Anna, but I’m not yet blind.”
Heat worked its way up in a hot rush from her neck to her hairline. Anna wanted to deny what the wise old woman was saying but couldn’t. She longed to be anywhere but sitting across from the one person who was not afraid to challenge her.
“What am I supposed to do, Rita?”
“You’re supposed to pray, Anna, and then do everything the Spirit of God tells you to do, whether you have all your ducks in a row or not.”
“Well, that’s rather vague, Rita.”
Rita had the nerve to laugh. “Oh, my dear, you start praying, and I assure you it will not be vague.”
Matt felt at peace. For the first time in his life a calm engulfed his soul. He no longer carried the weight of human pride on his shoulders, thinking he had it in his power to heal everyone and then agonizing when he couldn’t. An understanding that he was a mere instrument in the hands of God freed his tortured soul. His previous stress melted, and he slept like never before.
Though peaceful, Matt could not say he was happy. He concluded that happiness involved good happenings. Other than Melody, he had little in his day to bring cheer, yet he felt content. This conundrum baffled him. Could it be his previous quest for happiness was a deception and what he longed for was peace? What a revelation in the midst of turmoil, to be given strength and joy despite the ache of loss. As natural as breathing, thankfulness flowed spontaneously to his Father.
Anna, however, continued to frustrate him. She remained his mountain to climb, his thorn in the flesh, his portion to surrender. He longed for her to come to her senses, so they could be a family, but he could do nothing except wait.
Perseverance developed his character in areas where he lacked depth, knowing it was because most everything in his life had come easily to him.
Anna changed everything. He couldn’t be in her presence without needing her, loving her, longing for more. Yet, she seemed unaffected. Melody’s visits ensured he faced that growth in perseverance most every day.
He thought his sorry heart would hurt less to have Melody in his home rather than spending time at Anna’s. How wrong he was. The distance created an insatiable need. The time they had previously shared felt like crumbs when he desired so much more. But now that they had no time together, those crumbs felt like a loaf of bread. He had enjoyed the simple pleasure of friendship more than he understood. Those moments had brought life to their relationship. Now he was just the father to her child, a man she waved to in passing.
When he thought of her list of reasons not to enter into a relationship, he wanted to shake some sense into her, or kiss her senseless—both scenarios carried merit. Instead, he dropped to his knees and pleaded his case before God.
The weeks before Christmas carried a sadness Matt couldn’t shake. The holiday season amplified a loneliness that had never surfaced before. He desperately wanted to push Anna for more in the relationship, yet he refused to run ahead of God. Try as he might, he found it difficult to decipher if his desire to spend Christmas together as a family was his will or from the Lord. He finally came to peace with the idea of asking her. For all he knew her sons could be coming home, and Mark, for sure, wouldn’t welcome him.
On route to her house to pick up Melody, he prayed for guidance and by the time he pulled into her drive he felt ready.
They had a routine. He let himself in and called out her name so she didn’t have to answer the door.
Her singsong voice called out. “I’m in the kitchen, Matt.”
She was busy cleaning the kitchen which gave him a moment to stare. A ripple of delight ran up his spine, and he had to stuff down the desire to gather her in his arms and kiss her hello.
He took a deep breath to still the crazy slam of his heart against his chest. “We haven’t discussed plans for Melody over the holidays yet. What’s happening in your world?”
Her big brown eyes snapped up in his direction as she continued to wipe at an already clean counter. Without a word she hung the kitchen cloth neatly over the center between the double sinks, picked up the diaper bag, and headed to the baby’s room. With a wave of her hand, he followed.
“Mark’s not coming because he’s still upset with me. Jason is visiting ahead of time for a day or two then plans to meet his girlfriend Jennifer and her family in Banff on the twenty-fourth for skiing. Betty and George are in Palm Springs, but I have an invite to Lana’s house Christmas day. Did I tell you she’s talking to me again?”
She stuffed the diaper bag with supplies but didn’t look up.
“No, but that’s great news.” His insides dropped to the basement of his soul. Fat chance I’ll be invited to that party. Lana treats me like the plague.
He moved quietly over to the crib and looked down at the only family he had. A sense of sadness threatened to overwhelm as an emptiness flooded in.
Their baby lay sprawled out in her crib, dead to the world. Chubby legs and arms kicked free of the blankets and a thumb in her mouth made her irresistible. He knew it was time for her to wake up from her afternoon nap and those cuddles when she first woke up were the best, but he needed a few more minutes with her mama.
“I would like to have Melody on Christmas day. It’s been a long time since I haven’t worked over the holidays. I always volunteered because I wasn’t a family man, but this year is different. I booked it off months ago.”
She whipped around, her expression pinched.
“Please don’t ask me to give up Melody on her first Christmas,” she begged. “Come, let’s talk out in the living room.”
He now had her full attention.
“Will your request be the same come her first birthday and every other special occasion?” he asked, as he followed her dow
n the hall. He knew he was causing her distress, but they needed to come to an understanding or he’d remain on the sidelines of Melody’s life.
She turned to him and reached out to touch his arm, then dropped it quickly as if she had placed her hand in the fire. She moved apart and sunk into a nearby chair.
“I have a solution. We could spend these special days together with Melody. I don’t know if I’d be welcome at your sister’s house, but—”
“Oh Matt, Lana and Tom have their own issues right now with Lorena’s pregnancy.”
“What? … Did you say Lorena’s pregnant?”
“Yes, I don’t talk about it because it’s their business to tell. But please don’t take it personally that I don’t feel like I can press them for extra invites at the moment.”
Matt flopped onto the couch and raked a hand through his curly mop in agitation. “I get what you’re saying Anna, but Lana hasn’t cared for me at the best of times.”
“No, Matt, truly, Lana has come a long way, and I’m sure both she and Tom would welcome you. It’s just the dynamics right now. In fact, I feel my invite is more out of obligation than anything. They’re struggling to find joy in the midst of all that’s going on. Lana confided she doesn’t feel like doing Christmas this year at all but said for the sake of her family she’d have to muster up the ho ho somehow. It won’t be the same carefree celebration that it’s been in years past, that’s for sure.”
“How old is Lorena?”
“She’s sixteen and her boyfriend moved on because she wouldn’t get an abortion. It’s a stressful time.”
He nodded in agreement. “I can well imagine.”
Anna paused and lifted her eyes to him. “I do rather like your idea of getting together Christmas day and sharing Melody rather than one of us missing out.”
Matt’s heartbeat kicked up a notch, and a surge of adrenaline pumped through. It took everything within him to calmly respond. “We could go to the Christmas Eve candlelight service together, and you could bring Melody over early Christmas morning to open gifts. I know she won’t have any idea what we’re doing, but quite frankly, I’ve spoiled that girl.
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