Jake Understood

by Penelope Ward

  “If things get serious, you’re going to need my help once you communicate everything to Ivy.”

  “Yes. I mean, not right away, but I need you to help me figure out what my rights are if Ivy and I were ever to...” I choked on the words.

  Gina finished my sentence. “Divorce.”

  “Yeah. It’s not something I want if it means losing my ability to care for her, but I just need to know my options legally. I want to make sure I can still make decisions for her. I’m her only family.”

  Gina placed her hand on my shoulder, and the bells on her sweater jingled. “Don’t worry. Let’s just take this one step at a time. We’ll have to handle it very delicately, of course. But for what it’s worth, I’ve known you for several years now, seen all that you’ve sacrificed. You’re an amazing human being, and you deserve to have love in your life. Don’t beat yourself up over this. We’ll figure it out. You’ve been wonderful to Ivy, and she is very lucky to have you.”

  “Thank you, Gina. Thank you for understanding.”

  Someone called her attention back to the party, and she looked behind her shoulder. “We’ll talk more after the holidays. In the meantime, I’ll start researching the paperwork end of things for you.” She slipped away before I could thank her again.

  Leaning against the counter with my arms crossed, I felt overwhelmed. The reality of the situation was really starting to hit me now that I’d spoken aloud about it with someone. I could see Ivy in the next room, still playing along in her head to the music. This time, the lone teardrop I’d been fighting earlier fell freely down my cheek.

  ***

  Wrapping paper flew everywhere. I couldn’t crumple and discard it fast enough before more was thrown my way. The twins had recently discovered the truth about Santa Claus so were opening all of their gifts on Christmas Eve instead of the following morning.

  It was now 9 p.m., and I’d returned from Ivy’s a couple of hours earlier. The tree in my sister’s living room was nearly as high as the ceiling. The bright multi-colored lights lit up the room as the flames from the fireplace crackled. Pandora radio was playing in the background. My mother and Max were cuddled together on one couch as Allison and Cedric lazily sat sipping their wine on the sofa across from them. I definitely felt like the odd man out, missing Nina something crazy.

  Nina and I had been texting back and forth all night. I knew that Christmas Eve was really tough for her because of Jimmy and wanted to keep her spirits up even if we couldn’t be together. I might have taken it too far earlier when I sent her a message that I couldn’t help thinking about her when I Touch Myself by the Divinyls had come on the radio. Even though she didn’t confirm it, I wondered if she understood that I was alluding to the night in my room when she admitted that she masturbated. After I’d sent it, it took me nearly an hour to calm the raging hard on that developed just thinking again about her getting herself off. I finally had to retreat to the bathroom to take care of it. (Jingle Bell Jerk Off.)

  I’d also told her I missed her. I did, so fucking much even though it had only been a couple of days since our Chicago trip. Maybe it was mental because of the two weeks apart ahead of us.

  Hannah interrupted my thoughts. “Uncle Jake, look!” She enthusiastically lifted up what seemed like the hundredth gift opened between her and Holly. This one was a freakish looking doll with gigantic eyes.

  “Wow! That’s…precious.”

  Frightening was more like it.

  Nina had once confessed that certain dolls scared her when she was little, so I snapped a picture of it with my phone and texted it to her with a message.

  Say hello to my little friend. It may be Christmas at your house, but it’s Halloween here.

  A few seconds later, she responded.

  Nina: What the hell is that thing?

  Jake: The niece’s new doll. You like her?

  Nina: No!

  Jake: We shall name her Nina.

  Nina: Ugh! LOL.

  Jake: ;-)

  After a few minutes passed, I texted her again.

  Jake: I need your address to mail your present. I’m making it next week while you’re away.

  Nina: I’m intrigued. I’ll need to send yours, too. What do you like better, giving or receiving?

  Jake: Are we still talking about presents? Either way, I really like both. I love to give actually. LOVE it.

  Nina: I was talking about presents, yes. But now I see you’re not.

  Jake: What do you like?

  Nina: If we’re talking about actual gifts, I like to give.

  Jake: And if we’re talking about other gifts?

  Nina: It depends.

  Jake: On?

  Nina: Who I’d be exchanging with and if they’re good at giving gifts.

  Jake: I’m very gifted.

  Nina: I have no doubts that you are.

  Jake: Take a picture of your face.

  Nina: What? Why?

  Jake: Because I’d be willing to bet it’s redder than a poinsettia plant.

  I typed again.

  Jake: And because I miss it.

  Nina: My face?

  Jake: Yes. I fucking miss your face.

  Nina: I miss your face, too.

  It was the second time tonight I’d told her I missed her. My ability to hold back was clearly dwindling.

  “Jake, can you stop with the phone for one second to come here and open your present?” my mother shouted from across the room.

  I put the phone down. “What am I twelve, Ma?”

  Actually, with all of the texting back and forth we’d done tonight, I kind of felt like a kid again in the best way. Nina had a knack for making me forget all about my very adult troubles. Every moment spent with her, even when we weren’t physically together, made me giddy.

  I lifted myself off the ground and scrunched through the piles of giftwrap to join my mother on the couch. She handed me a small box.

  “Let me guess…cufflinks?” I joked as I ripped it open. My smile faded, and I froze, staring mesmerized at the stainless steel dog tag chain in my hands. It was heavy, masculine, and the word etched onto the front caused a shiver to run down my spine: Nomads. That was the name of the local biker club my father belonged to back in Illinois. I turned it over and engraved onto the flipside were my initials: J.A.G.

  My voice lowered to a whisper. “Ma…is this…”

  She nodded with a haunting intensity in her eyes. “It was his. He was wearing it the night he died.”

  Suddenly, the metal seemed to weigh heavier in my hands. My fingers tingled as if the piece came alive upon that revelation, as if it were an actual part of my father. He used to always wear this. I’d assumed it was gone from this Earth forever, just like he was. Staring at it in awe, I brushed my thumb along the smooth plate.

  “Did you just find this?”

  “I’ve had it all these years, always knew I’d give it to you someday. He’d want you to have it. He’d already had your initials engraved on the back when he wore it. I didn’t do that. He did.”

  My eyes started to feel watery. “You’ve kept it all this time. Why give it to me now?”

  “I was waiting for a special time, maybe your thirtieth birthday, but the truth is, you’ve just made me so proud over the past few years, seeing everything you’ve gone through, how you’ve handled what life’s thrown at you. I just didn’t want to wait any longer.”

  I proudly placed it over my head and around my neck. Pressing my hand over my chest, I said, “Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed this right now.”

  I hugged my mother tightly.

  Max patted me on the back. “Wear it in good health, son.”

  I hadn’t opened up to anyone in my family about Nina. The timing of this made me feel like somewhere out there, my dad knew my life was in turmoil, and that I needed this and in turn, needed him. Whether that was unfounded or not, wearing the chain would give me much needed strength.

  My attention turned to my sister w
ho was opening one of her presents from Cedric. It was a silver bracelet that had various charms dangling from it. He said he carefully selected ones that represented things that were special to them: a Gemini zodiac symbol, a dollar bill, a butterfly and several others. Allison would not stop gushing about it, and it made me wonder whether Nina would like something like that.

  When my sister discarded the box, I discreetly snatched it and memorized the website where you could go online and customize one. While a bracelet might have seemed too personal a gift for someone who wasn’t officially my girlfriend, I still had the urge to make her one even if I had to hold onto it for a while or worse, never had the chance to give it to her.

  My nieces were busy playing with their new toys upstairs, and the rest of the family had gone into the dining room for some of Allison’s chocolate pecan pie. I took the opportunity to sneak into the study and flipped open Cedric’s laptop, pulling up the website for the bracelet company. You could drag the charms you wanted onto the virtual silver band for an image of what your finished product would look like. I’d chosen several charms that reminded me of her: a plane, a pair of dice, a little bat. This was seriously the sappiest thing I’d ever done in all of my nearly twenty-five years, though.

  The sound of Cedric’s deep intentional cough caused me to jump in the swivel chair.

  “Well, well, well. What do we have here?”

  Shit.

  I said nothing as he leaned over my shoulder, his cologne pungent. I wanted to close out of the screen, but damn it, that would have caused me to lose all the work I’d put into the design.

  Sap.

  “I’ve been summoned to do some digging to find out whether our suspicions were correct, but you’ve made my job way too easy, brother.”

  “Summoned by whom?”

  “Your dear sister and mother. They’re convinced there’s a girl in the picture because of the way you’ve been acting. Now, clearly, unless you’ve taken a liking to wearing female jewelry, this proves they were right.”

  Having Cedric around was like having an older brother. With my dad being gone, I was really grateful that my sister married a cool guy that I didn’t mind opening up to.

  I let out a deep breath, rolled my eyes and conceded. “I’m so screwed, man.”

  “Name?”

  “Nina.”

  “Hot?”

  “Scorching.”

  “Nice tits?”

  “Legendary.”

  “Ass?”

  “Beyond…”

  “Picture?”

  I pulled my phone out and scrolled down to the one selfie I’d taken of us during our trip to Chicago. “That’s her.”

  “She’s cute.” He leaned against the desk and crossed his arms. “It’s a lot more than that, though, isn’t it?”

  “How could you tell?”

  “Watching you tonight made me think back to my own lovesick Christmas once. It was the one right after I’d met Allison. You reminded me of how I was that year, the way you were sitting by the fire alone earlier deep in thought, checking your phone constantly, smiling to yourself like a lunatic. You’re so wrapped up in a love fog, you don’t realize that everyone around you can see it plain as day.”

  “Damn.”

  “Yeah.” He laughed.

  My tone turned serious. “This girl…she makes me feel alive. I don’t want to lose this feeling. I’m terrified.”

  He realized what I was getting at. “She doesn’t know about Ivy yet...”

  “No. I’m telling her after the New Year.”

  Cedric nodded in understanding. “You know I was hiding a pretty damn big secret when I met your sister.”

  “That’s an understatement.”

  “Well…yeah. What our story proves, though, is that love can sustain some pretty fucked up shit. Do you think what you’re feeling is love?”

  “I haven’t labeled what I’m feeling. It’s not something I’ve ever experienced before. How do you know exactly?”

  “How do you know that it’s love?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s a gut feeling more than anything. But there are a few things that can help you determine if it’s real. For one, how do you feel when she’s not around?”

  “Lost. Sick. Aching. Like I can’t breathe.”

  “Is there any other person in the world you’d rather be with at any given time?”

  “No. Not a single one.”

  He rubbed the scruff on his chin. “Oh. Here’s a good one. Does the thought of losing her scare the shit out of you?”

  “Hell yes.”

  “Yeah. You’re fucked.”

  “Thanks.”

  “It definitely sounds like love.”

  “That last question really put it into perspective. I’ll have to remember that one.”

  Losing her did scare the shit out of me.

  That was the moment it hit me.

  I did love her.

  I was in love with Nina, and I couldn’t lose her.

  Somehow, I sensed she felt as strongly about me. The fear in her eyes was evident the one time she pleaded with me to open up to her about what I was hiding. Losing me definitely scared her. That might have meant she loved me, too.

  “You’ve got some hurdles to get through, but everything will turn out okay if it’s meant to be,” he said.

  “Thanks for the talk.”

  Cedric smacked me on the back. “I’ll let you get back to being a bracelet-making pussy.”

  “Says the pussy-whipped guy who gave me the idea.”

  He chuckled as he walked backwards out of the room. “Come join us for some pie when you’re done, fool.”

  “Alright, man.”

  ***

  Between the realization that I was truly in love for the first time in my life and the fact that I was still reeling from my mother’s present, my emotions were all over the place. I retreated upstairs for the night. This Christmas was definitely one that would always stick with me.

  Clutching the metal of my father’s chain, I looked out the window to clear my head. The moon was almost full and so bright that it lit up my otherwise dark bedroom.

  My father’s voice was clear as day in my head. “I love you to the moon.” It was what he used to say before putting me to bed at night when I was a kid. I’d told Nina that story during our long conversation at the diner in Chicago even though I’d never shared it with anyone.

  When I was younger, it always fascinated me that you could be across the world from someone and still be looking up at the same moon.

  I wanted her to share this moment with me, to see how spectacular the moon was. I picked up my phone.

  Did you see the moon tonight?

  I waited for a response. Maybe she turned in early, still recovering from our all-night outdoor Christmas party last Thursday night.

  Then, it came.

  Nina: I would have never thought to look out at the moon on Christmas Eve, but I am glad I did. You always have a way of opening up my eyes to things.

  Suddenly, those gigantic blue eyes of hers were all I could see, eyes I never wanted to see go dark ever again, eyes I knew would be filled with sadness and confusion once I broke my news to her.

  I would have given anything to have had her with me, to make love to her all night long in this bed with the moonlight shining on us.

  Jake: There is nothing more I’d rather look at right now, actually.

  Nina: The moon is beautiful.

  Jake: I was talking about your eyes.

  I kept typing.

  Jake: They’re the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. I get lost in them sometimes. They comfort me in a way that nothing else can.

  Nina: I love your eyes, too.

  I love…you.

  My heart was beating out of control as I typed the words:

  I l-o-v-e y-o-u.

  Fuck.

  No.

  I immediately erased it.

  I couldn’t send that.
>
  Not yet.

  Jake: I know I’ve been confusing you. I am sorry. We need to talk when you come home.

  There it was. Now that I’d put it out there, there was no going back.

  Nina: I think we need to talk, too.

  I closed my eyes and shut off my phone, feeling sick to my stomach and gearing up for another sleepless night.

  ***

  Back in Brooklyn, the emptiness caused by Nina’s absence was more profound than it had been in Boston. I ended up not sending her any more messages on Christmas Sunday, though, because I felt like I needed to cool it.

  I’d almost texted her that I loved her.

  That would have been a big mistake for multiple reasons. For one, it would have been irresponsible to confess such a thing before we had our talk. More so, telling someone you love them for the first time via text message would have been asinine. So, a few days to clear my head were definitely needed.

  Even though he’d driven Nina upstate, Ryan had only stayed away for Christmas weekend and had returned to our apartment Monday. Nina was planning on taking a bus back to the city at the end of the two weeks. Tarah had been using every opportunity to get Ryan and me to talk to each other. When she invited me to dinner with them downstairs Tuesday night, I ended up going just to piss him off and came to the conclusion that it was way more fun to kill him with kindness, thereby annoying the fuck out of him.

  Nina and I texted on and off, but I mainly focused my time working on a sketch that would be her belated Christmas present. The image came from an idea that popped into my head based on something she said during our Chicago trip. It was finished and framed by mid-week then Fedexed to her parents’ house.