Arthur Rex

by Thomas Berger

  Then from the battlements of Caerleon sounded a mighty roar of exultation, and from the Irish host a vast groan of despair. Then all of Ryons’ army dismounted and fell upon their knees, and King Arthur went before them and addressed them as follows.

  “Hibernians, ye have seen the necessary failure that will attend any invasion of Britain. Arise and go now, home across the Irish Sea, and no harm will come to ye.”

  At which the Irishmen, all ten thousand of them as one, swore fealty to him and arose and went away as commanded.

  But Arthur returned to the castle and he was melancholy of humor when he spoke with his wizard.

  “Tell us, Merlin,” said he, “why do we feel no sense of triumph in this?”

  And Merlin answered, “Well, is not triumph a childish feeling, Sire? Perhaps though you are still young in years you have already become old in authority.”

  “Then,” said King Arthur, “the feelings which lift the heart must be alien to a king? There can be no joy in it, no exultation? Nought but duty?” He pondered on this matter. “We have learnt that our father was more or less a barbarian. But did he not have it better?”

  “But,” said Merlin, “the era has changed.”

  “If the truth be known,” said King Arthur, “we did admire the late Ryons for his ebullience, nay his very effrontery. He did wear his crown with a certain zest. Whereas we are afraid that he was right about us: we do tend towards pomposity. But we are young and yet beardless, and with Excalibur we are invincible in battle. How to be righteous without being sanctimonious we see as our problem.”

  “If I may be so bold,” said Merlin, “it is not required for your dignity that you habitually use the first-person plural when referring to yourself. That you are the king and whatever you say is said by a sovereign and not a mere man is self-evident.”

  “Yet,” said Arthur, “I am a man for all that. I must eat, sleep, and use the close-stool. What subjects look for in a king, methinks, are not reminders of their own baseness but rather that which is elevated above it. And speaking for myself, after a reign of two years, I must say that what a new king requireth is a constant reassurance of his own kingliness, especially if he hath yet to celebrate his eighteenth birthday and with no beard to frame his face. When I say ‘we,’ therefore, I am addressing myself foremost.”

  “Not even with my powers,” said Merlin, “can I provide you with a real beard, for only Nature can create hair. But I can place upon your chin the illusion of a beard, the which will serve your purpose until you can grow a real one.”

  “But, Merlin,” asked King Arthur, “would this not be dissembling? If I am a true king, how might I wear a false beard?”

  “’Twould not be false,” said Merlin sighing. “Magic, Sire, is that to which reason cannot be applied.” He cleared his throat. “’Tis another realm of being. A fish cannot converse with a bird, because each inhabits another medium, yet they both exist and in so doing share the universe. So with magic and reality.”

  “Which fish?” asked King Arthur. “And which bird?”

  “Neither,” said Merlin. “Both are real, but air and water are magical.”

  And now King Arthur frowned and said, “How so?”

  “They have no individuality,” said Merlin, “one drop of water, one breath of air being like every other of their kind. They have no duration, which is to say no beginning and no end, for if water leaveth here, it goeth there: so with air. The general amounts of both in all the world do never change. Finally, by application of fire, water changeth into air, to which if cold is brought, air changeth again into water.”

  “This,” said King Arthur, “is alchemy, Merlin, and beyond my province. I must deal with men. Already I have learned that they come in all variations. To do perfect justice to them they must be dealt with individually. But a king hath not sufficient time to treat fully with every idiosyncrasy of each of his subjects, not to mention those persons who come from abroad to invade his realm, like Ryons, whose spirit I nonetheless admired.”

  “But only,” said Merlin, “after you killed him.”

  “Perhaps unjustly,” said Arthur, “with an invincible sword.”

  “Without it you had been a boy of seventeen, and he seven feet high,” Merlin told his king. “But would you not nevertheless have faced him?”

  “Certes,” said King Arthur, as if in wonderment at the question. “Doth a king have such a choice?”

  “Well, some might,” said Merlin, “but you do never. Therefore you must not refuse the help of my magic, which at its most powerful could not misrepresent your character.”

  And so did Arthur acquire a luxuriant golden beard, on loan so to speak from Nature until it was natural for him to grow his own. And having this, and Excalibur, he yet needed for his rule a Round Table, knights with which to furnish it, and the most beautiful woman in the world for his queen.

  BOOK III

  How King Arthur had converse with a lady, and who she was.

  THEN ELEVEN KINGS FROM THE north came into Britain for to attack King Arthur, and he fought the third war of his reign, the which lasted for three years.

  Now during a respite between battles, his enemies having been repulsed in Wales and gone to the neighboring kingdom of Cameliard for to besiege King Leodegrance, a loyal ally of Britain by reason of his old friendship with Uther Pendragon, a beautiful lady came to Caerleon to seek asylum there. And little did King Arthur know that she was the wife of King Lot of the Orkneys, for she represented herself only as a woman in distress, though her secret purpose was to do harm.

  Now Merlin’s powers were defied by women (unless they had already, as with Arthur’s mother the fair Ygraine, determined independently of him to follow a course that happened to serve his wishes), and therefore he could be of no service to King Arthur in this case. And King Arthur believed this lady’s account of how her castle had been overwhelmed by the hosts from the north, her husband its lord and all his men killed, and all resident females but herself ravished most foully, she alone escaping through a hidden postern in the wall.

  And King Arthur was now twenty years of age, but he as yet had had no experience of females, and though when dealing with men he had put aside the pomposity that had been noted by Ryons just prior to that king’s losing his head, he returned to its use now, for this lady had long chestnut-colored hair of high gloss and an ivory neck that was bared to the division of her thrusting bosom, and her robe of pale-green velvet was as a second skin on a body of luxuriant health, which would not suggest that her castle had been so long under siege that she did suffer famine.

  And she knelt rather more closely to the throne than even courtesy would require in a subject, and Arthur found that this proximity disturbed him strangely.

  “We grant thy petition for asylum,” said he.

  “And my castle, Sire?” asked the lady. “Shall I ever see it again?” Now the tears did well from her comely eyes green as emeralds, her snowy breast heaved in anguish, and she seemed to offer to swoon, so that Arthur rose and taking her hands brought her to her feet.

  “Lady,” said he, “we are engaged in a war of some magnitude, and we have only just repulsed the enemy host. Soon we must needs meet them again, and though our cause is righteous and they are condemned by God to eventual defeat, the strife will first be violent. We can not therefore promise thee in meticulous particularity when we might retake thy castle.” And here King Arthur extended his arms in a gesture of hospitality. “Meanwhile, Caerleon is thine.”

  But the lady mistakenly saw his gesture as rather an invitation to embrace and she fell against his bosom with her own. And from this movement King Arthur recoiled, stepping backwards, and the edge of the throne did meet the hinge of his knees, and he sat down, the lady descending into his lap.

  As it happened he was unattended at this time, the lady having asked for a private audience with him, owing to the shame it would be for a noblewoman of her high degree to relate her distress in the presenc
e of lower orders. Therefore Arthur had to deal with this unprecedented event on his own. Now, had the lady in sitting in his lap acted by volition it would have been lese majesty but there was great reason to assume that she had rather lost her balance, a loss to which he himself by retreating had contributed.

  Whilst he pondered on how to deal with this matter as a king, the warmth and weight of the lady’s body did arouse him virilely, and though as a Christian he knew these sensations as detestable, the principles of courtesy inhibited him from dislodging her abruptly, and before he could do so with polite deliberation, she had further chafed his loins by adjusting her situation, clinging to him around the neck, his beard (which was now real) falling into the division between her breasts, for her bodice gaped open. Her moist lips were thus brought to the proximity of his ear.

  “But are we indeed safe in Caerleon, Sire?” she asked, her breaths tingling at his temple. “Do your forces guard all the walls, and in what number? And are there secret posterns through which the furtive enemy might insinuate himself? Tunnels, cellars, underground galleries, hidden stairways? For this is a cunning foe.”

  Then she sprang from his lap of a sudden and did color prettily, saying, “Ah, I am but a defenseless widow.”

  Now King Arthur coughed to remove an obstruction from his throat, and he rose from the throne. “Thou hast,” said he, “a military turn of mind, to be commended in a woman. But not to worry, for Caerleon is well defended at all points. And such secret entrances as are here and there tucked into its walls are secured by massive bolts, the which, unless opened from within, are impregnable. And who amongst my people would throw the bolts? Treason is unknown in the simple, loyal philosophy of the British folk.”

  “A spy, Sire?” asked the lady.

  “None such could gain admittance,” said King Arthur. “In these times the drawbridge is kept raised and both portcullises lowered. Only we ourselves may order them dropped or lifted as the case might be, as indeed we did lately on thy weeping arrival.”

  “Forgive me please my fears,” said the lady. “But mine own castle was similarly protected, and yet it was soon taken, by means of a mine dug beneath the eastern wall, through the which the enemy did burrow into the cellars like unto a swarm of rats. Pray let me accompany you upon a tour of Caerleon and point out such places as would be accessible to clandestine entry.”

  Now King Arthur was much taken with this lady who thought like a soldier while armored only in green velvet and helmeted in silken hair the color of the hide of his favorite horse but with another scent, as he had ascertained while she sat upon his lap.

  “Very well,” said he, “let us make such an inspection.”

  Now he was about to call his retinue for to provide escort, but he decided that it would be pleasant to be alone with this lady for the tour, which would have small practical value, for Caerleon was impregnable.

  Therefore he took one of the burning torches from its bracket on the wall and hurling aside a great tapestry of Arras he thereby discovered a little doorway giving onto a spiral staircase that connected the throne room with the lower regions of the castle.

  “Ah,” said the lady, “this is just such a privy passage as might be employed by a regicide, Sire, unless it is well guarded at the inferior extremity.”

  “As it is not,” said the king. “For ’twould not then be privy, as thou must needs admit.” He was in a jolly mood, for this tour seemed to him a lark. His torch however stank of burning pitch and alas he could no longer smell the lady’s scent. “Now,” said he, beginning on the downwards spiral, “mind thy step. Yet never worry if thou dost slip, for thou shalt be contained by the walls enclosing this helix and thy tumble would not be precipitate. In any case I shall be not far below.”

  “Your speech, Sire, is sufficient unto your majesty,” said the lady. “I shall linger behind a turning or two, for to evade besmirchment by your fuliginous torch.” For a draught came from below, and the enclosed staircase performed as a chimney for the smoke from King Arthur’s light.

  Therefore she waited as he wound around beneath, until the playing of the flame on the gray stones of the wall was the dimmest shimmer, and then she raised her robe and took from her garter a bodkin with a long slender blade furnished with a point keen as a needle.

  “Dost descend?” King Arthur asked hollowly from below.

  “I do,” said the lady, holding the dagger sinistrally against a fold of skirt as with her dexter hand she followed the curve of the wall and felt with her dainty feet the stone treads, of which she used the broadest portion, at the maximum of their centrifugation, and the masons had laid them with such marvelous exactitude that each conformed to the rule of all, so that having found the pace, one could misstep only willfully, unless the constant revolution ever downwards agitated the humors causing vertigo.

  The which, in the case of this lady, came to happen, owing to the rapidity with which King Arthur with boyish vigor made his own descent and her need to reach him and stab him before he arrived at the bottom of the stair.

  Therefore in dizziness she halted now, hearing Arthur go onwards, and she could not call him back because he would come face forwards, with the torch, and therefore when she had recovered sufficiently to continue she first returned the dagger into her garter.

  Meanwhile King Arthur reached the bottom of the stairway, where he found and pressed the stone which caused a section of the wall, secretly hinged, to open as a door, and there he waited for the lady to join him. Which she did eventually, and she was yet giddy, all the more so when reaching the level place, as when coming upon land after a voyage one feels the waves surging under him more strenuously than when at sea.

  And it did seem as if she might well swoon. Therefore King Arthur gave to her his arm, onto which she put one hand and then the next, and finally her bosom. And the king was aroused once more, for he had not played at mammets since being a baby, and he had no memory of that time. He was now sensible of a desire to tear away the bodice of this lady’s dress and make free with her paps. But he resisted this inordinate impulse, for nothing would seem more at odds with the principles of courtesy than to misuse a woman under one’s protection.

  Therefore thrusting his torch ahead he led her through the doorway into the cellars, where there was a great chill of dampness and the odor of mold, and beyond the reach of the light the noise of scurryings could be heard.

  Now the lady did shiver and cling more urgently to him, saying, “’Tis a Stygian place.”

  “And labyrinthine,” said King Arthur, “and continuing so throughout. These walls are constructed of great blocks of adamant, the which will cause to bend or break any tool of metal that is presented to their surface. And the doors are double-bound iron and give onto the moat.”

  “Yet,” asked the lady, “could not such a door, however stout, be finally breached? With levers or other cunning implements, or by means of instruments with edges of diamond, to which no metal is invulnerable? Or with corrosive fluids which can devour any substance?”

  King Arthur marveled that she was conversant in these matters, as well as being so womanly in her great beauty.

  “Perhaps,” said he. “But no enemy would be suffered to come so close to the base of the exterior walls, or even if that were to happen, he would not be allowed to remain there sufficiently long to achieve his foul purpose.”

  “Ah,” said the lady, “I ask you to forgive me for my amorousness. I am but a helpless female, and I am cold here, dressed as I am in nothing but this velvet robe and stockings of the finest tissue, so that my limbs feel quite naked.” And once more she quivered against him. “But you have satisfied me that my fears are needless. Shall we return as we came? And then perhaps you will give me leave to go to some private, quiet place and rest upon a silken bed, warming myself under soft furs.”

  “There is a shorter route,” said King Arthur, for they had by now made several turnings in the subterranean corridor, “and we are just near it, b
ut shouldst thou not first want to see the stores, the great sacks of grain, the sides of mutton, the massive cheeses, and the barrels of onions?”

  “With all respect, I think not,” said the lady. “I am most monstrously cold.”

  “And the wines, which are the pride of Sir Kay my seneschal,” continued King Arthur. “We were, he and I, raised as brothers, and on a diet of little more than leeks, oat-cakes, and Welsh spring water, and these, with a bit of well-done beef, are yet adequate for mine own nourishment. But Kay hath developed Roman tastes, laying in casks of Falernian from Campania, Samian vintages, and even Rhenish from the lands of the Saxons, late our enemies, subdued only after the most bloody strife. But I can not deny to this dear chap his amusements. He was most awfully disappointed when he could not withdraw the sword from the stone and so become king. His budget is extravagant, but we do not lack in treasure.”

  “Treasure, Sire?” asked the lady, stirring on his arm.

  “All manner of it,” said Arthur. “Quite more than I do know what to do with.”

  “This lode then,” asked the lady, “is maintained in the castle?”

  “We have in fact reached the very portal of the treasury,” said Arthur, illuminating with his torch a door much banded and multitudinously studded in bronze.

  “Now,” said the lady, “may I assume that a troop of soldiers is stationed within? For this is just such a place as would attract any invaders who did penetrate Caerleon, scoff though you might at the possibility.”

  “It is guarded by one dwarf, no more no less,” King Arthur said smiling. “Come let us rouse him, for he is a droll little fellow.” He took his arm from the lady’s and thumped his hand upon the door crying, “Ho, there!”