Arthur Rex

by Thomas Berger

  Therefore he agreed to this bargain, for anyway he had no intention to do ought all day but prepare himself spiritually for the ordeal to come, when he must face the Green Knight.

  “Good,” said the lord. “Perhaps I shall bring you a brace of partridges.”

  “And if I have nothing to return?” asked Sir Gawaine.

  “Then nothing shall be my reward,” said the lord in a merry voice. “But do not forget that our agreement is to be considered literally, and that to conceal anything you have received would be to violate your pledge.”

  “My lord,” said Gawaine reproachfully, “I am a knight of the Round Table.”

  “Indeed,” the lord said, “and I should strike a bargain with no other!”

  Then he left to go a-hunting, and scarcely was he gone when Sir Gawaine regretted not having asked where the chapel was situated within the castle, for he wished to pray there. But remembering the little silver bell, he rang it, and in answer to his summons the lord’s wife appeared and she was no more abundantly dressed than she had been when he had seen her first.

  “Lady,” said he, “please direct me to your chapel, for I would fain pray.”

  But the lady came to press against him, and she put her arms about his neck, and she said, “Sweet Sir Gawaine, be kind to me, I beg of you.”

  And though Gawaine was far from being immune to the sensations caused by the pressure of her luxuriant body (and graciousness would not allow him to thrust her away), he had the strength of soul to remain modest, and he said, “Lady, this is not proper.”

  “I speak of kindness and not propriety,” cried the lady, and she held him tightly and her warm breath was against the hollow of his neck.

  “Lady,” said Gawaine, “methinks I now understand the test to which I am being put at Liberty Castle, where all temptations of the flesh have been offered me, but in fact not even when I was a notable lecher did I frequent children, persons of mine own gender, nor other men’s wives.”

  Now this beautiful lady did fall against him weeping. “You are the defender of women,” said she, “and I am in distress.”

  “Then let me get mine armor and weapons,” said Sir Gawaine, “and tell me who would abuse you.”

  “’Tis no person,” said the lady. “I am rather tormented by a sense that my kisses are obnoxious, for my lord hath avoided me lately.” And she lifted her mouth to him, the which was moist and red.

  “Your breath, lady,” said Gawaine, “is fragrant as the zephyrs of spring. I cannot believe that your kisses are repulsive.”

  “Well,” said the lady, “then there must be something offensive in the touch of my lips.” And she pursed these for his inspection.

  “Nay,” said Sir Gawaine. “They are flawless as the rose.”

  “Yet,” said she, “you can not be certain unless you press them to your own.”

  “Perhaps that is true,” said Sir Gawaine. “But should I be the one to make this test?”

  “But who other?” asked the lady. “I can not subject my husband to it, for it is precisely he who I fear finds me obnoxious. And any man who is not a knight of the Round Table could never be trusted.”

  “Trusted, lady?” asked Gawaine, endeavoring to loosen her clasp, which had now been lowered to his waist, to the end that their bellies were joined.

  “A knight of lesser virtue, enflamed by my kiss, alone with me, my lord being in the remote forest, I attired lightly as I am, he in a robe of fine thin stuff that betrays the least stirring of his loins—” And so said the lady, and she heaved with the horror of it.

  And Sir Gawaine said hastily, “Certes, I am trustworthy in this regard. Now, lady, your argument hath moved me. I shall accept one kiss from you, for the purpose of examining it.”

  And the lady forthwith crushed her hot mouth against his lips and had he not clenched his jaws and so erected a barrier of teeth, she would have thrust her tongue into his throat so far as it would go, for it battered against his gums with great force.

  And when he at last broke free, he said, “Your kiss is sweet, I assure you. But perhaps it is given too strenuously.” (And truly, his lips were full sore.) And then he said, “As guest in Liberty Castle I have this wish, which must be honored, and it is that this test be taken as concluded.” Therefore, as she was constrained to do by the laws of the place, the lady went away.

  Now when the lord returned from his hunt he came to Sir Gawaine, saying, “Well, here you are, sir knight, a brace of fine fat partridges, the which are my gain, and all of it, from a day in the forest. Now, what have you got here that, according to our agreement, you shall give to me?”

  “As I predicted,” said Sir Gawaine, “I have nothing to give you, having received nothing.”

  “I beg you to re-examine your memory,” said the lord. “Surely you received something during my absence that you had not previously possessed?”

  And Sir Gawaine was ashamed, first for his failure of recall, and then for what he must needs confess.

  “I received a kiss, my lord,” said he, coloring. But then he realized that he was not obliged to say who had kissed him (and the situation at Liberty Castle was such that there were many possible candidates).

  “Very well, then,” said the lord smiling. “Pray give it me.”

  Now Gawaine’s shame was increased, for he understood that the terms of the agreement were absolute, but manfully he did purse his lips and press them to the cheek of the lord.

  “Now,” said the lord, “is this precisely how you received this kiss, and did the giver thereof make a similar grimace?”

  Sir Gawaine hung his head and said, “Nay, my lord.” And then gathering his strength he lifted his mouth to the lord’s and, doing his best to simulate the tender expression of the lady, he kissed him full upon the lips.

  “Splendid!” said the lord. “You are a truthful knight of much worship.”

  Now the following day the lord came to Sir Gawaine once again, and he announced to him that he would make the same exchange with him as he had done the day before. But Gawaine did protest against this.

  “Sir,” said the lord, “I took you for a courteous knight. Are Arthur’s men given to such rudeness?”

  “With all respect, my lord,” said Gawaine, “I am fasting for my appointment with the Green Knight, and therefore I can not eat game.”

  “Then I shall bring to you some other goods of the forest,” said the lord, and then he looked narrowly at Sir Gawaine. “Sir,” said he, “methinks you worry that you will have to give me another kiss.”

  Now though this was quite true, Sir Gawaine could hardly confess to it without being discourteous in the extreme, and therefore he bowed and said, “My lord, I make this pact with you once again.”

  But so soon as the lord left the castle this time, Gawaine, eschewing the use of the silver bell and hoping thereby to elude the lady, went alone in search of the chapel, but though he looked everywhere he could not find it. Therefore he returned to the chamber where he had spent the night and he knelt by his bed clasping his hands in the attitude of prayer, but before he could begin his orisons the lady appeared from nowhere and embraced him.

  Then he rose with difficulty and freeing himself gently from her, he said, “Lady, it would be indecent for me to talk with you at this time. Pray let us wait until your husband returns from the hunt.”

  But the lady said, “Sir, remember your sworn duty to all women! Once again I require your aid, and the vows you have taken will never allow you to deny me.” And she drew aside the transparent stuff that swathed her bosom, and she bared her breasts absolutely.

  “Ah,” she cried, “you start back, just as does my husband when I undress before him! Then it is as I fear: my bosom is hideous.”

  “No, that is not true, lady,” said Sir Gawaine. “Between waist and shoulders you are very beautiful.”

  “Do you say my mammets are round?” asked the lady.

  “Very round,” said Sir Gawaine.

 
“And full?”

  “Very full.”

  “Yet high.”

  “Oh, indeed high,” said Sir Gawaine as he walked backwards, for she continued to approach him.

  “But think you that the paps are discolored?” And now she held herself in two hands, so that the pink nipples did peek through the white fingers.

  “Never discolored,” said Gawaine, who was now against the arras and could retreat no farther.

  “Not brown then?”

  “Certes,” said Sir Gawaine, “they are rather of the hue of the Afric orchid.”

  “Oh,” said the lady, taking her hands away, “but they are cold! Methinks breasts should be warm, or if not, then warmed.” And before Sir Gawaine knew what he did, she had taken his fingers and put them onto her bosoms. “Now tell me if they are cold.”

  “Lady,” said Gawaine, “they are quite near burning.” And for a dreadful moment he could not control his fingers, and finally it was she who drew back, saying haughtily, “Sir, I did not seek kneading. I wished only to know my temperature.”

  And Sir Gawaine was chagrined. “Forgive me, lady.” He sighed with great feeling. “Now, by my privilege as guest, I wish to be alone.” Therefore she vanished, and he fell to praying ardently.

  Now when the lord returned from the forests he presented to Sir Gawaine the flayed hide of a bear, and he said, “There you have my day’s spoil, and all of it. What shall you give me in return?”

  And this time Sir Gawaine was ready for him, and he was relieved that it was not so distasteful a thing as a kiss. “I have for you a touch of the chest,” said he. “Therefore if you will remove your hauberk and breastplate and raise your doublet, I shall give it you.”

  Now the lord did these things, and Sir Gawaine groped at his chest, which was covered with a thick mat of hair very like that of the bearskin.

  Then the lord began to laugh, for he was ticklish, and when Sir Gawaine was done the lord said, “And is that all? Did I not know you as a truthful knight, I should wonder at this. Nor is it evident as to whose chest was so tickled in the original episode: your own, or that of another?”

  “Mine obligation, methinks,” said Sir Gawaine, “is but to give you what I had got, and so have I done. I am not required to explain it.”

  “Aha,” said the lord, “methinks not even a sodomite doth toy with a hairy chest, and certes you are anyway not a sod. May I then assume it was rather a woman’s full bosom which you fondled?”

  “My lord,” said Gawaine, “our agreement is to be kept to the letter, no more and no less.”

  And the lord did laugh merrily, saying, “Well put, my dear sir.”

  “And now,” said Sir Gawaine, “may I ask you to show me to the chapel, for ’tis there I intend to stay at prayers until my appointment with the Green Knight, which is now but two mornings away.”

  But the lord said, “I’m afraid there is no chapel at Liberty Castle, good Sir Gawaine. We are pagans here, and furthermore we make no apology for so being.”

  Sir Gawaine crossed himself. “I should have understood that,” said he. “Absolute liberty is the freedom to be depraved.”

  “But only if you choose to make it so,” said the lord. “One can also see it as the only situation in which principles may be put to the proof. No strength of character is needed to stay virtuous under restraint.”

  “But only God, sir, hath perfect strength,” said Gawaine. And he was now vexed, and he said, “And how dare you, as a paynim, to test the virtue of a Christian?”

  “Because I have no shame!” merrily replied the lord. “Which is a Christian invention.”

  Now Sir Gawaine began to suspect that this lord was the Devil, for never had he heard so much wickedness from any man. “Methinks,” said he, “that you would weaken me for my encounter with the Green Knight.”

  “Well,” said the lord, “if you are honest you will admit that it is a ridiculous thing. A charlatan dyes his skin and hair and dressed in green clothes bursts into Arthur’s court to make a preposterous challenge. Would that be taken seriously anywhere but at Camelot? Now you are likely to die of this buffoonery, and cui bono?”

  “For the Green Knight I care not a bean,” said Sir Gawaine. “But to keep my oath I should go to Hell. And methinks I have done so in coming here.”

  But the lord did make much mirth. “It is so only if you choose to make it such, I say again,” said he, “the which can be said of any other place on earth but especially of your Britain. But enough of this colloquy! And pray never believe that I do not admire you withal.”

  “Despite such flattery,” said Sir Gawaine, “I shall leave you now.”

  “Ah,” the lord said, “you well may leave me, but the one freedom not available at Liberty Castle is to leave it before the proper time hath come.”

  And Gawaine found that what he had said was true, for when he sought to go out of the gate he was arrested by a strange unseen force and could move only in the direction of the castle behind him. Therefore willy-nilly he stayed the final night, and the next morning the lord came to him again with the familiar proposal.

  “Do I have a choice?” asked Gawaine.

  And the lord answered, “Well, it is the last time.” And promising to exchange with his guest what they each had come into possession of during the day, he went a-hunting in the forest.

  Now Gawaine determined no longer to wait passively for the lady to seek him out, for he knew that she would do so, according to the pattern of the previous days: and all things in Heaven and on earth come in threes, and only the tripod is ever stable even though its legs be of unequal lengths. Therefore taking the virile initiative he did go in search of her, and you may be sure he was not long in finding her, for her sole purpose was to try his virtue (to which end all women, even the chaste, are dedicated) and thus all corridors at Liberty Castle soon led to the most private of her chambers, the walls of which were lined with quilted velvet of pink, the which color deepened and darkened as he penetrated the room, and the couch on which she lay was of magenta. But her body for once was fully covered, in a robe of the richest dark red and of many folds and trimmed with the sleek fur of the otter.

  “Good day to you, sir knight,” said she. “And for what have you come to me?”

  “To offer my services,” said Sir Gawaine, “the which you have previously required each day at just this time.”

  “Of that I have no memory,” said the lady sternly. “And can your purpose be decent, so to seek me out when mine husband is away?” And crying, “Villainy!” she did clap her hands, and soon a brace of huge knights, armed cap-à-pie, burst into the chamber through a secret door and made at Sir Gawaine.

  Now Gawaine understood that he had been tricked and mostly by himself, for he had come here voluntarily and unarmored and unweaponed. But being the truest of knights, what he feared was not the death that he might well be dealt here (for he expected to be killed on the morrow by the Green Knight, and we each of us owe God but one life), but rather that if he were not alive to meet his appointment with the verdant giant he would cause great shame to be brought upon the Round Table, for death were never a good excuse for breaking a pledge.

  Therefore he seized a tall candlestick of heavy bronze, and he swung its weighted base with such force that the flange not only split the helm of the first knight to reach him, but also cracked his skull to the very brainpan, and his wits spewed out through his ears. Now taking the halberd that this man dropped, Sir Gawaine brought it up from the floor just as the other knight came at him, and he cut him from the crotch to the wishbone, and his guts hung out like ropes.

  “Well,” said the lady when this short fight was done, “do not suppose you have me at your mercy.” And she found a dagger within her clothes and leaping at Sir Gawaine she sought to do him grievous injury.

  But though he was the protector of women Gawaine saw no obligation to suffer being assailed by a female to whom he had offered no harm. Therefore he seized the dagger fro
m her, and then, because she next tried to claw him with the sharp nails of her fingers, he restrained her hands behind her waist.

  But hooking her toe behind his ankle the lady tripped him up, so that he fell onto the couch, and she was underneath him.

  “Lady,” he said, “I would not hurt you for all the world.”

  “Then release mine hands so that I might feel whether I have broken anything,” said she. And he did so, but when her fingers were free she used them rather to bare her thighs, the which she then spread on either side of him. And whilst he was stunned with amazement at her strange behavior, she lifted his own robe to the waist, saying, “I fear I may have smote your belly with my knee, and I would soothe your bruises.” And then she went to that part and farther with her white fingers.

  “Lady,” said Gawaine, “I assure you that I am not sore.”

  “Yet you have a swelling,” said she, and she did forthwith apply a poultice to him.

  And to his horror Sir Gawaine discovered that his strength of will was as nothing in this circumstance, and therefore he must needs submit to this lady altogether. But this was a defeat which it was the more easy to accept with every passing instant, and before many had gone by he had quite forgot why he had resisted so long, in the service of a mere idea, for such is the eloquence with which the flesh first speaketh to him who ceases to withstand temptation, God save him.

  But when the lady was done with him, and they lay resting, he knew great shame, and this grew even worse when he remembered he had agreed to exchange the spoils of the day with the lord of the castle.

  Therefore when the lord returned from his hunting and presented to Sir Gawaine a splendid rack of antlers from a stag, and asked in exchange whatever Gawaine had got, his guest did prevaricate and say he had spent all day in prayer and therefore could give the lord only the peace he had thereby obtained.

  “I am prevented by the laws of hospitality,” said his host, “from impugning the veracity of a knight to whom I am giving shelter. Yet it seems remarkable to me that you have got no more tangible rewards during a day at Liberty Castle.”