Arthur Rex

by Thomas Berger

  Which was to say, he could fetch water to treat her thirst when a stream ran near by, but he could not make the road less dusty. And he could lead them off the road and through the meadows, but he could not defend her against the gnats which rose in clouds from the grass, and if they followed the bank of a river he could not guarantee she would not be offended by the sight of lizards and frogs.

  And finally she refused to ride longer on the donkey, which was so short of leg that her robe trailed in the dust, and therefore Percival took her onto the horse and he held her before him, but she soon complained that his breastplate of steel was too hard and too cold against her back. And then he mounted her behind him, but it was not long before she said the back of his armor was no better and that clutching his sword belt she did hurt her delicate hands.

  So Percival dismounted, saying, “Lady, take the horse for yourself.” And then he walked alongside in the heavy armor and carrying the tall lance, but he was young and strong, and all he thought of was going to Camelot and applying to King Arthur for knighthood.

  And the maiden had never known a man whom her beauty did not distract and soon make importunate, and had not Percival been so handsome and strong she might have believed him an eunuch.

  Now they were still in the country when darkness began to fall in the evening, and the maiden stopped the horse and she said to Percival, “Sir, we have been traveling all the day, and now night cometh, and we have nothing to eat nor no shelter.”

  “Well,” said Percival, “perhaps we shall soon reach Camelot.”

  And now the maiden quite lost her temper. “Methinks we are nowhere near Camelot! And if you believe that I shall ride farther you are mistaken. And why did you neglect to fold the pavilion and to bring it along, so that I should have had protection from the pestilent vapors of the night?”

  “Lady,” said Percival, “I did not think of that, for the truth is that being in the world is quite new to me, and I have never before been so long away from the castle in which I was born.”

  “Then,” said the maiden, “I can see that you know nothing of chivalry, which is the law by which a knight is absolutely obedient to a lady which he doth serve.”

  “Well,” said Percival, “I would learn about this law, for I long to be a knight.”

  And the maiden understood that he was but a naive boy at heart, and therefore believing as she did that between a man and a woman one has the total mastery while the other is a slave, she said, “Thou must never address me without asking my leave. And when thou hast received permission to speak, thine head must never rise above the level of thy shoulders.”

  And Percival now asked to be allowed to address her and when this was granted he said, “Lady, I can not bend my neck so far whilst wearing this helmet.”

  “Then remove it,” said she.

  And so he did, and she then directed him to prepare for her a shelter for the night and with his sword he chopped down some trees and made a hut from them, and he gathered fruits and nuts for her supper, and from the fragrant leaves of a bush he prepared tea in his helmet. And after she ate, the maiden lay down upon a bed which he had made of soft branches and moss, and she went to sleep.

  And Percival lay down upon the earth before the floor of this hut, like unto a faithful dog, and as he had no clothes but the armor he kept it on, and when rain began to fall during the night this armor filled with water and he was wet and cold, but he was not unhappy, for he believed he was doing what a knight should.

  But then the maiden did cry from within the hut that she was cold and that he should bring something to warm her with. And therefore he rose and collected some thick branches, but when he brought these to her she abused him, saying, “Foolish wretch, they are sopping.”

  “Lady,” said he, “I have nothing else with which to warm you.”

  “Then do it with thy large person,” said she.

  Therefore he lay down beside her, but this made her only the more furious. “Fool!” she cried. “Dost come here in wet armor?” And she commanded him to remove it from his body.

  “But I wear only my smallclothes beneath,” said Percival.

  “Dost refuse a command from thy lady?” asked the maiden greatly indignant. And Percival therefore took off his armor and he lay down on the branches.

  “Now,” said the maiden, “put thine arms about me and hold me tight, so that I might be warmed. And take no liberties, on pain of being vile and grossly indecent.”

  Therefore Percival clasped the damsel to him, and as he had been quite cold himself he was warmed. But she still complained, saying, “I can not feel the heat of thy skin whilst I wear this robe.” And so she removed her clothing and she commanded him to hold her again, and again she warned him only to clasp her in his arms and to do nothing impudent.

  Now Percival found this an easy command to obey, for he knew not what else he might have done, and in his ignorance he was not aware what was the difference between a man’s body and that of a woman, nor was he a sod who had interest in flesh of his own construction. But then he became aware that this maiden, who had seemed so slender when dressed, was considerably stouter when naked and lying down, and further that while she had commanded him to lie still she did herself begin to writhe. And she lay with her back to his front at first, but then she said that her spine had got warm and now she would do the same to the front of her body, and she turned to face him.

  And now his own front was quite warm, in fact to the point of being queerly hot. And the maiden’s face was against his chest, with his chin resting against her hair, the which was soft as silk and had the fragrance of flowers. And soon she complained again, and she moved so that she was beneath him, so that he could warm her better, and now she clasped him as tight as he held her, and whilst he obeyed her command not to move, she made incessant adjustments of her situation, and Percival felt as though he were in a pot being brought to the boil. And he was amazed by this, for it was at once both uncomfortable and pleasing, as when one scratched an itch till it bled.

  And this matter was not finished before the dawn came, and Percival had not slept at all, yet in the morning he rose refreshed, and he donned his armor again and he made breakfast for them. And the maiden was not so peevish with him as she had been formerly, and therefore he believed that he was performing as a knight should. And when they resumed their journey she insisted on mounting the donkey and riding behind whilst he rode the horse.

  Now it was not long before coming over an hill they saw on the horizon the grandest castle in the world, which the morning sun did gild on all its towers and battlements, and Percival knew it must be that of King Arthur. And he made great joy.

  And he said to the maiden on the ass, “Well, lady, soon I hope to be made a proper knight.”

  “Well, my lord,” she said, “why then do not you ride ahead with all speed?”

  “Do you give me leave to do that?” he asked.

  “Ah,” said the damsel, “you are no longer to be commanded by me.”

  But at that moment another knight appeared on the road before them, and he was Sir Agravaine, who believed that at last he had got proof that Sir Launcelot and the queen were paramours, and he was going again to see his brother Gawaine despite his earlier rebuff.

  And Percival addressed him, saying, “Greeting, sir knight.”

  Now Agravaine was impatient to reach his elder brother, for he had seen Launcelot wearing a ring the which he had previously seen upon Guinevere’s finger, and he believed this to be evidence of their illegal commerce, and he therefore spake disagreeably to Percival.

  “Move aside, fellow,” said he, “so that I, a knight of the Round Table, might pass.”

  And believing that this was the right thing to do, if a knight commanded him to do it, Percival did void the road.

  But seeing the maiden on her donkey Sir Agravaine said to Percival, “And remove thy baggage as well.”

  Now Percival did not understand him, and he asked, “Pray
, my dear sir, which is my baggage?”

  And Sir Agravaine was vexed and he said, “Thou art an insolent fellow, and if I had time thou shouldst not go unpunished.” And he rode rudely against the maiden’s donkey with his great horse and he forced her off the road.

  Now the damsel made no protest against this, and indeed she looked at Sir Agravaine with much admiration. But Percival said, “Sir, if your behavior be typical of the knights of the Round Table, then I do not want to be one of them, for you have treated this maiden detestably.”

  And in great anger Sir Agravaine cried, “Well, thou hast brought upon thyself a sore punishment.” And drawing his sword he swung it at Percival.

  And not having the time to draw his own sword Percival evaded the blade of Sir Agravaine, and then before it could swing back the other way he seized Agravaine’s arm and though it was encased in thick armor he brake it in his hands as if it were a twig.

  Now Sir Agravaine did howl in pain and shame, and this greatly attracted the maiden.

  “With your permission,” said she to Percival, “I shall stay here and nurse this knight. Whereas methinks you are eager to reach Camelot.”

  Now Percival understood that his obligation to this damsel had been discharged and therefore he wished her the peace of God, and then he went along the road towards Camelot, for though he had been threatened with disillusionment as to Arthur’s knights by reason of the poor performance of Sir Agravaine, he considered the possibility that this rude knight had not been of the company of the Round Table but rather served some other cause, and merely because he had been coming in the direction from Camelot did not mean that he had belonged there.

  Now it will be remembered that Percival wore the armor of the knight whom he had vanquished on the day before, and he carried the shield of this knight, on which was displayed the curious device of an unicorn which was goring to death a lion, and whilst this meant nothing to Percival another knight who saw it now believed it was a challenge to him.

  For King Arthur having long since returned from the tour of his realm, Launcelot and Guinevere had resumed their old practice of riding together into the royal orchards, and they had done so on this day, and they were about to dismount for to pursue the end for which they had come when Sir Launcelot heard the sound of creaking armor not far away, and therefore he rode through the trees and he saw Percival. And further, Launcelot saw that the device on this knight’s shield depicted the lion, which was his own symbol, being run through by an unicorn.

  Now the unicorn was the beast of Love, and its horn if pounded into a powder was a cure for many venereal ailments foremost among them being the malady which doth cause the yard to wilt before it can perform its office. And as it happened Sir Launcelot was no longer in his earliest youth, and his powers were not so great as they had once been, whereas the queen had grown more demanding with age. And he was sensitive about this matter, and when in the orchard he was ever worried that someone might spy upon them, if not by design then by accident. And the result of all these negative forces acting upon him was that he was quick to take offense at the sight of this stranger.

  And therefore Sir Launcelot cried to him to defend himself, and then he did charge upon him with the most puissant lance in all the world.

  Now Percival, once again the recipient of inhospitality in the shadow of Camelot, wondered whether this was typical of the treatment of aspirants to knighthood. But fewtering his own lance he answered Launcelot’s charge with his own. And this young lad, who had but lately left home for the first time, and who had fought but once before and that time with a makeshift lance fashioned from a cart-shaft, now was about to meet the weapon of the greatest knight of all.

  But when they came together with a great shock it was not young Percival who was thrown from his horse but rather the mighty Sir Launcelot!

  And Launcelot felt very old as he lay upon the ground, and he did not spring up so quickly. And when he did rise and draw his sword, and the Knight of the Unicorn dismounted and came to fight him by hand, Launcelot knew his own blows to be not so powerful as of old, whereas his opponent seemed even stronger than Gawaine had been when they fought long ago, and more. Did not Launcelot know his old friend Tristram were dead he might have believed it was he in disguise. And finally the moment came when he knew that this knight was even the superior of Tristram in strength, and there could no longer be any thought of defeating him quickly, for Launcelot must needs use all of his own force merely to keep from being overwhelmed.

  And finally with a tremendous blow the other struck the sword from Sir Launcelot’s grasp, and Launcelot’s hand smarted sorely and his heart was stung no less in shame, and his sword flew over an huge oak tree.

  And at this his opponent called a halt and went himself to fetch the sword, and he returned it to Sir Launcelot.

  And greatly moved by this courtesy Sir Launcelot opened his visor and he said, “Clearly you are no caitiff, sir, for you might quite honestly have killed me.”

  And opening his own helm Percival said, “Nay, sir, I am no felon, but rather a squire who desires to become a knight more than anything in the world. My name is Percival, and I shall fight you further if you wish, but I should rather that you accepted my surrender, for I believe from your gentle speech that you are truly one of the knights of King Arthur.”

  And Sir Launcelot saw that though large in body he was scarcely more than a boy, and he wondered at him. But then he laughed and he said, “Percival, it were more just if I surrendered to thee, for methinks thou hast bested me clearly.”

  But Percival said, “Oh, nay, sir. Your sword slipped but temporarily from your grasp.”

  And Sir Launcelot was so amazed by Percival’s prowess and he was so impressed by the lad’s modesty that he took him straightway to King Arthur and he told the king what had happened.

  And King Arthur looked at Percival and he stroked his own beard, the which was now quite white, and finally he said, “Percival, dost know whom thou hast fought?”

  And Percival said, “Nay, Sire, I know not.”

  “Well,” said the king, “it was Sir Launcelot.”

  And Percival, who had fallen to his knees when admitted to King Arthur’s presence and who had been told to rise, said nothing now.

  “Dost not know who he is?” asked the king. “And why dost stand so, with thine head against thy breastbone?” And he was impatient with this boy, who acted like unto a cretin imbecile.

  “Nay, Sire, I do not know, for I am ignorant of almost everything,” said Percival, “including, apparently, even the proper fashion in which to stand before my king. But a maiden whom I lately served commanded me ever to keep mine head below my shoulders when addressing my superiors.”

  “Well,” said the king, “a knight is obliged to protect a woman, and he is courteous and gentle with her at all times, but he need not to let her command him otherwise, else he might well encourage her in folly, to the which all women have a natural attraction owing to their vanity.” And then King Arthur asked Percival how it was that he was so ignorant of the world.

  “Sire, my mother did not allow me to leave our castle, and therefore I have had no association with anyone but her and my sister,” said Percival.

  “Then thou art to be commended for maintaining thy virility,” said the king. And turning to Launcelot, King Arthur said, “He hath some ability with weapons, sayest thou?”

  And Sir Launcelot answered, “With all respect, Majesty, what I say is that with a man of less generosity I might well have been slain.”

  But King Arthur could not but believe that his supreme knight did here, in the greatness of his heart, exaggerate most modestly.

  “Percival,” said he, “if thou wert able to stand a few moments against Launcelot, then thou art obviously made of good stuff. Kneel then!” And the king drew Excalibur from its scabbard, and Sir Launcelot perceived that he had some difficulty with this, for his hands did tremble.

  “Sire,” said he, “may
I...”

  “Nay, my dear fellow,” said King Arthur. “I’ve got it now. It has been a long time since I’ve done this, and my fingers are not so limber as they might be. Ah, there we have it. Now, young Purnival—”

  “Percival, Sire,” said Sir Launcelot, “by your leave.”

  “Percival, indeed!” jovially cried the king, and he lowered his sword towards the young man’s shoulder.

  “Majesty, your pardon,” said Sir Launcelot. “Could you just turn the blade a bit so that the flat and not the edge will touch him? For Excalibur is marvelous keen.”

  “Certes,” said King Arthur, and he did as asked, and he touched Percival on one shoulder and then on the other. “Rise, Sir Percinell, as a knight of the Round Table.”

  And Sir Percival’s face did shine with joy. “And now, Sire,” said he, “what be my first quest as a knight?”

  And King Arthur had lifted Excalibur to look along its edge, and then he ran his thumb on it. “Well, look at that!” said he, as if to himself, “’tis not so marvelous keen as once.” And clapping his hands for a page he told the varlet to fetch him an armorer.

  “Sire,” said Sir Launcelot, “Sir Percival would know on which quest you would send him.”

  “Ah, yes, Purslaine,” said King Arthur. “Well, I am afraid it hath been ever and a day since I have had at my disposal the quest of old. Whether this would mean that injustices are not nowadays so rife as once or merely that my subjects do not apply to me for rectification is perhaps moot.”

  “Sire,” said Sir Launcelot, “with all respect, I think that it hath been a long time since you decided that Britain was free from felony.”