Onyx: Love

by J. S. Lee

  MinMin folded his arms and looked away. I slowly licked my lower lip: MinMin was hurt. I could see that. There was a good chance I was going to knock Jiwon out if I heard this. I sucked in a deep breath and looked at JongB.

  “He said there was no way on this planet he would ever be attracted to MinMin, and he needed to stay the fuck away from him.”

  I stood up, fists clenched. “Where is he?”

  “Kate-”

  “Our room. Or his room: I’m not sharing with him ever again,” JongB said over the top of MinMin.

  I held out my hand. “Keycard.”

  “Kate!” MinMin objected as JongB handed the small piece of plastic over.

  It was too late. I was a girl on a mission. I was a girl who was PISSED. “Stay here.” Ignoring MinMin’s protests, I marched out of the room, and down the hall to Jiwon’s room. I hammered on the door. When I got no answer, I used the key and walked in.

  “Halaabeonim,” Jiwon was pleading. “Please don’t!”

  It was the fact he sounded broken that made me stop.

  He had his back to me, one hand and his forehead leaning against the window, his shoulders stooped. “It’s my family! You can’t stop me seeing them…! Halaabeonim…? Halaabeonim!” Jiwon pulled the phone from his ear, staring at the screen in disbelief. Then, without warning, he turned, hurling the phone towards me.

  It missed by several inches, crashing into the wall. At the same moment as I flinched, I locked gazes with Jiwon. The horror on his face told me he had no idea I was in the room with him.

  “Kate! What the fuck are you doing in here?” he demanded.

  I’d been ready to chew him a new one, but my words died in my throat. If what I’d heard meant what I thought it did, anger wasn’t the way to go. I walked straight over to him, wrapping my arms around him.

  “What are you doing?” he asked again, his arms by his sides, his back rigid.

  “I came to yell at you.” I clung onto him. “But I don’t know if I can anymore.”

  Jiwon shoved me back, roughly. “I don’t want your fucking pity, Kate.”

  I caught my balance but kept a few paces from him. “I came here because I was pissed at you. Frankly, I still am.”

  “Why are you pissed at me?” His eyes had a dangerous glint to them; like I was provoking an angry lion.

  “Do you know how upset MinMin is right now?” I kept my voice level as I folded my arms and glowered back at him. “You fucked up, Jiwon. Big time.”

  “Fuck off,” he growled.

  I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath, trying to keep calm. Xiao had told me that anger wasn’t the way to go with Jiwon, but I was finding that exceedingly difficult with his abrasive personality.

  “You told him that you didn’t want him going anywhere near you,” I said, surprised at myself for finding an inner calm. I sucked in another deep breath. “I know your family-”

  “You know jack-shit about my family.”

  I wanted to snap back with, ‘and you know jack shit about not being a dick’, but I somehow refrained. “You’ve said they suck, and it sounds like your grandfather doesn’t want you to see your sister.”

  “I’m warning you, Kate,” he said, his tone full of threat.

  “Or what?” I asked, with a shrug. “Are you never going to speak to me again?”

  Jiwon pulled a face. “What?”

  “I get there are things you don’t want to talk about, and normally, I’d be OK with that, but this has upset someone else. And it’s upset me,” I added.

  “I didn’t say anything to you,” Jiwon quickly told me.

  I moved backwards and perched on the edge of the bed. “Earlier this very week, at a random bus stop in London, I was assured that you don’t care about someone’s sexual preference, yet here we are, having a very similar conversation. Either you don’t care about sexual preference, or you do. And if you do, if it repulses you that much you can’t even be around someone of the same sex who happens to have feelings for you, then I’m not sure I can be around you.”

  “Kate, that’s not what I said.”

  “Not directly,” I agreed, “but that’s what’s being implied here, and I’m not cool with that.”

  “My grandfather just told me I wouldn’t be able to see my family again because he didn’t want ‘the gay’ to rub off on Jimin – my sister.”

  “And what do you think?” I asked, calmly.

  Jiwon shook his head, turning to look out of the window. The view from his window was of one of the many canals that threaded through Amsterdam, but you couldn’t see much in the night. Then again, it didn’t look like he was really seeing anything out there anyway. “I am not attracted to men. I never have been, and I never will be. But that doesn’t mean that I think there’s something wrong with those that do.”

  “Then why did you say what you did?”

  Jiwon continued to stare out of the window.

  I stood and walked over to his side. “Dude, it was a dick move.”

  “I know,” he said, refusing to look at me.

  “And twice is my limit on having this conversation.” Slowly, Jiwon turned his head and stared at me. I stared back. “This is your second chance. From me,” I added. “I’m not speaking on behalf of MinMin.” My hands settled on my hips. “And I’m also not letting you off the hook.”

  “MinMin doesn’t want to speak to me.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Oh, grow a pair of breasts.”

  Jiwon blinked. “I don’t think you used the right word there. The word you’re looking for is balls.”

  “Breasts,” I said, indicating to my own. “Boobs, boobies, tits, ta-tas, melons, funbags, jugs…” I listed, in English. Jiwon quirked an eyebrow at me, obviously understanding most of my offerings – thank you, JongB. “Why would I tell you to grow a pair of balls when the pair you’ve got is doing jack-shit. Grow a pair of tits, woman up, and go apologize.”

  Jiwon’s momentary amusement of my listing every alternative to the word ‘breasts’ disappeared. He held out his hand. “You should come with me.”

  I’d been planning to anyway, half convinced that JongB would punch him and then there would be a full-blown fist fight in my bedroom, but I was glad he offered. “Of course.”

  “I’m sorry-”

  “I’ve told you,” I said, cutting him off. “It’s not me you need to apologize to.”

  Jiwon shook his head. “I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you.”

  I didn’t say anything at that. As far as I was concerned, actions spoke louder than words, and he had fucked up. Regardless, I allowed him to lead me back to my room.

  제 14 장

  Believe Me

  I led the way in, finding JongB and MinMin sat on the edge of the bed. Their conversation dried up the second JongB laid his eyes on Jiwon. He looked to me, unimpressed. “I thought you were going to punch him for me.”

  That earned an arched eyebrow off Jiwon. I shrugged my return. “Part of me says you’d have deserved it, but I actually don’t believe violence solves anything.”

  “I would have deserved it, and I still do,” Jiwon said, but he turned to MinMin. “So, if you want it, you get a free shot.”

  “I don’t want it,” MinMin responded.

  “I do,” JongB grunted, leaping to his feet.

  MinMin reached out and grabbed his shirt. When JongB looked at him, disbelief clouding his face, MinMin shook his head. “Kate’s right.”

  “I’m sorry,” Jiwon said, gruffly.

  “Do you want me to get that printed out for you, to save your voice from all the times you keep saying that lately?” MinMin asked. I had to fight to not react to that. I didn’t realize MinMin was such a ball of sass.

  “No, because I don’t intend on saying it again,” Jiwon told him. “Because I don’t intend on doing anything to make me need to say it again.” He let go of my hand and walked in front of MinMin. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

  MinMin slowly tilted his
head. “You are aware that you managed to break your word less than two seconds after making it?”

  “It’s still the same apology,” Jiwon sighed. He ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up at crazy angles. “You know how my parents never come to our shows?”

  MinMin nodded.

  “It’s not because they’re too busy. It’s because they choose to be too busy. They never wanted me to be an idol. They tolerate it, at best, and generally ignore anything to do with it. They don’t even own any of our albums.”

  JongB shifted uncomfortably, but he didn’t stop glowering at the older member. “And that justifies the shit you just pulled?”

  MinMin grabbed JongB’s hand and pulled him back. “He’s still older than you.”

  Once again, I found myself biting my tongue. This was Jiwon’s apology to MinMin and I didn’t need to get into it, but damnit, there were some things in Asian culture that, no matter how long I’d been around them, were just bullshit. Yes, it was important to show respect to other people (although, frankly, I wasn’t sure it always had to be dependent on age), but sometimes, that younger person just needed to call a person out.

  And JongB had a point.

  “No, JongB is right,” Jiwon told MinMin.

  At least he knew it.

  “To them, not to me, the only thing being worse than being an idol, is being gay.”

  “How come you’ve never mentioned this before?” JongB demanded.

  “It’s never been an issue before,” Jiwon shrugged. “And it’s not exactly something I want to share with people.”

  “That’s who called you?” MinMin asked, quietly. “When we were eating? Your parents called you?”

  “My grandfather.” Jiwon looked at his feet.

  MinMin peered up at him, his expression softening. “What did he say to you?”

  Jiwon shook his head. “It’s not important. What is important is what I said to you.” He looked up and met MinMin’s eyes. “I didn’t react well to it. I took it out on you. Again.” He sighed, but he didn’t break his gaze. “I don’t like you that way. I’m not an idiot-”

  JongB snorted.

  Honestly, I was tempted to pull the same trick Xiao had on me and gag him; he was only vocalizing what I was thinking. But I could see it was irritating Jiwon.

  It was MinMin who once again spoke up. “Hyung…”

  Jiwon flashed JongB a glower, but then he looked back to MinMin. “I’m not an idiot. I could tell you liked me.”

  “I’m sorry,” MinMin said.

  “You don’t have to apologize for that. The way you’ve acted around me, and towards me, has never been any different from how you’ve been with the others.”

  “Then why did you overreact in London? If your parents don’t come to your shows, and they don’t buy your albums, who gives a shit?”

  “They do,” Jiwon shrugged. “They don’t support me, but they still keep an eye on me and make sure I don’t disgrace the family.”

  “Not that I particularly want you to keep your clothes on, but those abs come out a lot,” I finally spoke up.

  Jiwon looked at me. “And that’s partly why they don’t like me being an idol, but they also consider that to be part of the job. It’s also no different from what every other idol does.” He turned back to MinMin. “My parents…” Jiwon trailed off, shaking his head. “That’s irrelevant. I am the one responsible for my own actions; and my actions were wrong. Honestly, I don’t care who you like. If you still like me after all this, do so. I won’t reciprocate because I don’t see you like that, but I won’t – I don’t – care. If you want to fuck JongB, you do that. Not that you need my permission… but I don’t want to see that. Not just because it’s JongB, but also because I really don’t like that shit regardless of whether it’s a JongB or Kate who you’re hooking up with.”

  MinMin stared at him for a long time. Somehow, both JongB and I managed to remain silent as he did so. Finally, after another tilt of his head, he ran a hand over his jaw. “You’ve got to work on those issues. You’re going to have the fans upset.”

  “I’m more concerned with the fact I upset you,” Jiwon returned. “I am sorry, Minhyuk.”

  “How bad is it with your family?” MinMin asked, carefully.

  Jiwon shook his head. “That’s not important. I shouldn’t have reacted how I did regardless of my family’s-”

  “How bad is it?” MinMin asked, more forcefully, this time.

  Jiwon let out a long sigh. “Bad.”

  “I forgive you,” MinMin told him.

  “You do?” he blinked in surprise.

  MinMin nodded, giving Jiwon a small smile. “You haven’t realized this yet, but you have another family, and we choose to keep you. Families fight, and families say stupid shit, but we still love each other. At least, this one does.”

  “We do?” JongB asked, pulling a face.

  “You, of all people, should know how much we fight as a group,” MinMin pointed out. “It has calmed down a lot since Bohyun left, but we’ve all got strong personalities. It won’t be the last argument we have.”

  “We’re not exactly fighting over whose turn it is to clean the bathroom,” JongB pointed out, folding his arms.

  “And you’re not the one fighting.” MinMin looked at Jiwon. “What you said was hurtful, and it upset me, but I know it’s not you speaking. You said you knew I liked you?” Jiwon nodded. “Well, I knew you knew that I liked you. In the whole time we’ve been together, even back when we were trainees, you have never said anything, or done anything, that has ever made me feel like that before.”

  “I’m sorry,” Jiwon said, once more. “And that’s still the same apology.”

  “I know,” MinMin nodded.

  “Great!” I said, stepping forward. “Can we all kiss and make up now?”

  Jiwon took a giant step back, his eyes wide. “I… I… Kate-”

  I held my hands up, waving them in a slightly panicked manner which matched Jiwon. “That’s not what I meant. It’s a phrase which clearly doesn’t translate well. I just mean, can we draw a line under this?”

  “Yes,” MinMin answered.

  “Good,” I nodded. “And if you ever pull that shit again, I will kick your ass,” I told Jiwon.

  “That’s it?” JongB asked in disbelief.

  “Yes,” MinMin said, firmly. “That’s it.”

  JongB’s face drew into a scowl as he looked at Jiwon. “Fine. But I’m still pissed at you. You can have the room to yourself tonight.”

  “That’s fair,” Jiwon nodded. “I’ll leave you now.” Still looking ashamed of himself, he walked out of the room, leaving the three of us there.

  “I don’t know about you, but I could do with a beer,” MinMin sighed.

  “That sounds like a wonderful idea,” I agreed. “You guys stay here and find something to watch. I’ll head over the street. I saw a liquor store. Plus, I need chocolate and fresh air.”

  I left them in my room and made my way outside. It was cold, and I’d not grabbed my jacket. The store I’d seen wasn’t open. With a frown, I glanced down the street, spotting what looked like a supermarket. With my arms wrapped around myself to keep me warm, I hurried down.

  I was right: it was a supermarket and it also sold alcohol. I grabbed some beers, paid, and walked back. By the time I got back to the room, I was cold and hoping the pair would be up for some snuggling under a duvet while we watched a film.

  Then again, would that be too awkward for JongB, considering MinMin liked him, but those feelings weren’t reciprocated… the thought died in my head as I walked in and found MinMin wrapped up in JongB’s arms, using JongB’s chest as a pillow as they watched the television.

  Considering I was used to them all (apart from maybe Jiwon), lying all over each other all the time, I shouldn’t have been surprised. But I was. Maybe it was because, after everything that had happened, they both looked so at ease with each other.

  “You look like you’v
e seen a ghost,” JongB commented, watching me in amusement.

  “No,” I said, quickly shaking my head as I set the beers on the side. “I was just thinking I was cold and you two looked cozy.”

  “There’s plenty of room.” MinMin reached over, patting an area on JongB just below the waistband of his jeans.

  That had me arching an eyebrow, but I climbed onto the bed. I decided not to stick my face so close to JongB’s crotch, instead joining him at the top of the bed. JongB draped an arm over my shoulder. “You’re freezing.”

  “No, I’m Kate.”

  JongB fixed me a look of betrayal while MinMin sniggered. “That’s not funny.”

  “No,” I agreed. “But it is punny.”

  With faux-anger, JongB pushed me away from him. “You don’t get to cuddle with me, you traitor.”

  I half flopped, half rolled away from him at his push, giggling to myself. He was right, it wasn’t funny, but I couldn’t help but laugh at his ridiculously exaggerated pout.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll still cuddle,” MinMin told me. Although he kept his head on JongB’s chest, he shuffled his body so that there was space between the two of them and held his arms open for me. I shot a smug grin at JongB, and then dove between them, wrapping my arms around MinMin’s skinny body.

  “Creep,” JongB muttered.

  I turned my head to look at him and found him smirking. I just poked my tongue out at him, then snuggled back into MinMin. The two had been watching Pokémon. In Dutch. Not that it really mattered, considering sixty percent of the “dialogue” was the Pokémon saying their own names. Boys…

  While the two of them settled back to watch the show, my attention drifted. First to the beer – on the other side of the damn room. Well done, Kate…

  Then to a slither of skin on MinMin’s abdomen. Although he didn’t have abs, he did have that v-line I found rather lickable. He stretched, repositioning himself, and in the process, his shirt rode up a little more, revealing more of his golden skin… and a scar. I’d seen it before but never asked about it.

  Now, I found myself tracing my fingers over the top of it.

  MinMin jerked suddenly, his hand grabbing mine and holding it still. “I’m sorry,” I quickly apologized. Regardless of the fact we were all wrapped up in each other, that was walking right over that personal space boundary.