Her Forbidden Amish Love

by Jocelyn McClay

  Something was definitely wrong. Hannah frowned. Arms still folded, she trailed after him to the window. “I almost decorated your apartment by tossing them in the air to land willy-nilly. And stabbing myself in with the rods in the process.”

  “What?” Gabe turned to her, with sharper attention in his gaze.

  “I was afraid you’d committed a murder up here and I’d discovered the body.”

  He lowered the hand holding the curtains, the material tumbling down his side to look like he was dangling a rich blue cape. “What?” he repeated.

  At least she’d broken through his stupor. Whatever’d been bothering him, she’d succeeded in cracking through its disturbing hold on the man. Unfolding her arms, Hannah pointed to the end of the couch. “That thing over there.”

  His gaze followed the direction of her finger. “Oh—” a little bit of Gabe’s normally endearing smile twitched on his lips “—Annie.”

  “It has a name?”

  “Oh, yeah. Rescue Annie, CPR Annie, Resuscitation Annie, or simply Resusci Annie. She and I are old buddies.” His smile expanded. “Currently, she’s my only partner.”

  Now it was Hannah’s turn to be a little startled. “What?”

  Gathering up the material, Gabe refolded it before setting it against the wall. He strode over, more enthusiasm in his step now, toward the form at the end of the couch. He picked up the doll, its legs dangling below the stiff chest. “I teach CPR. Cardiopulmonary resuscitation. If you can keep the heart going, you have a chance to keep someone alive. If a person’s heart stops, or they stop breathing, CPR manually pumps blood to the vital organs of the body until it can get started again. Or until it’s determined...” Gabe’s legs seemed to give out from under him. Clasping the mannequin, he sank down onto the couch.

  “There was a boy today. A drowning. He was gone. I didn’t know if we could get him back. He was the same age as...” Gabe pressed his lips together for a moment. “As I was doing CPR, all I could see was Will. Will’s face. Will’s blue lips. Will’s slack body that I couldn’t bring back.” Gabe’s voice was barely audible with his last words. One tear, followed shortly by another, tracked down the edge of his nose to drip onto on the doll’s blue shirt.

  Shaken, and gripped with the need to comfort him, Hannah found herself seated beside him. The worn cushion sagged, tipping her toward Gabe. She reached out a hand to his upper arm, both to console him and to brace herself from drifting in farther. “Will?” she whispered.

  Gabe’s hands clenched on the mannequin, his knuckles showing white for a moment before they relaxed their grip. “Will was my little brother.” He exhaled deeply, his shoulders sagging with the action. “He drowned. I was preoccupied with...things. By the time I noticed he was...” He stared at the scarred wooden floor at his feet. “It was too late. I hadn’t paid much attention in high school health class the day we did CPR. I mean, who really expects to use that?” His throat worked in a hard swallow. “If I had, maybe...” He bowed his head.

  Hannah’s own eyes prickled with tears. She rubbed her hand lightly over the blue sleeve covering his bicep, wanting to soothe. “When did this happen? You’d mentioned a little bruder when we were together, but you never said...”

  When Gabe didn’t respond, Hannah figured he wasn’t going to answer her question. When he did, she wished he hadn’t.

  “It was shortly after you didn’t show up that night. I didn’t know how to find you. It wasn’t like we’d been seen together, so I could go asking around the Amish folks. I did a bit.” He snorted softly. “You can imagine what kind of reception I got. After a while, I figured if you’d wanted to see me, you would have. So I went home to Madison that weekend, trying to forget you. Or at least trying to understand what might’ve happened to make you disappear. I thought we...” His voice died off.

  Squeezing her eyes shut to keep her tears at bay, Hannah recalled her own grief when she’d known she had to break off their relationship. She hadn’t thought of him. How selfish of me. Her fingers tightened on his arm. Gabe’s eyes remained focused on the scarred wooden floor in front of the couch.

  “To distract myself, I decided to go swimming at a local lake my family frequented. My little brother wanted to come along. As we’d been there before, I figured, sure, why not.” His lips twisted. “I went out into the deeper water. I was swimming hard, trying to forget... Will tried to follow me. When I finally looked around, he was gone. I—I found him, but I couldn’t bring him back.” Gabe tipped his head to the back of the worn couch and closed his eyes.

  “I dropped out of school up here. Went back home for the rest of the semester to be with my folks. That fall, I changed my major. If I couldn’t save Will, at least I could learn to save others.” He exhaled in a shuddering sigh. “Today it helped me save the boy, Alex.”

  Wrung out just listening to his excruciating tale, Hannah remained rooted in her position on the couch. Knowing she played a part in it filled her with sorrow that couldn’t be extinguished by tears. She swallowed against the swelling in her throat.

  In their time together, she’d known Gabe as a fun and interesting companion. A caring, considerate man who’d made her laugh. She’d known joy with him, unlike anything she’d felt with anyone else. Enough that she’d almost left everything she’d known to be with him. In their interactions, she hadn’t seen this depth of compassion. Her heart ached for him. It felt odd, yet right to be the one to comfort him. But how?

  “Praise God for the two guys that beat me there today. They were Amish. Maybe you know them?” Opening his eyes, Gabe lifted his head to look at her. “Apparently they work for the furniture company in town. Gideon Schrock spelled me for a bit on CPR before the ambulance got there. A guy named Ben Raber went into the pond after the kid. They were amazing. It was their quick thinking more than my actions that saved the day. Good men. Said they’re on the volunteer fire department. I look forward to working with them.”

  Hannah knew she needed to respond, but wasn’t sure how. He needed her. How could she assuage and distract him from his grief? She latched on to the last things he’d said.

  “I’ve known Ben most of my life. Gideon moved in a year or so ago.” Clearing her throat, she forced emotions she didn’t feel into her voice. “Are you telling me Ben can do something I can’t? And if Gideon knows, then in all likelihood, my new brother-in-law Samuel Schrock knows how to do it, as well. And he’d never let me live that down. I don’t suppose you could show me how to do this CPR thing on...Annie, was it?”

  Gabe regarded her doubtfully. “You really want to learn?”

  “Of course! Assuming you’re a gut teacher.”

  His eyes began to dance in the way Hannah realized she treasured. His lips hooked in a half smile. “I haven’t lost a mannequin yet.”

  “Let’s see if you can keep it that way.” Gabe’s gaze traveled from her smiling face to where her hand still lightly rested on his upper arm. Jerking it away, Hannah clasped it in her lap.

  Annie under one arm, Gabe agilely pushed up from the couch and turned to offer his hand to assist Hannah. “These old cushions have made it a possessive couch. Once you’re in it, it doesn’t want to let you go.”

  Her fingers still humming from their contact with his muscular bicep and her sensibilities from his unexpected vulnerability, Hannah smiled, but avoided touching him. She could relate to the couch’s sentiments in regard to the man in front of her. It’d been difficult to let him go. Wedging an elbow against the arm of the worn sofa, she levered herself out.

  “While doing CPR, you want the person on their back on a firm surface.” Gabe laid the mannequin in the middle of the wooden floor and knelt beside it. “You’re going to regret not making me pillows,” he commented, with a rueful look at the scarred floor. The look he shot Hannah acknowledged there were other things in their relationship that he was regretting, as well.

 
So was Hannah. She was regretting that she couldn’t wrap her arms around his neck to comfort him. To stroke a gentle finger over a furrowed brow. To brush a kiss on his wind-tousled hair. To ask more about a little bruder whom he’d obviously loved very much. But they didn’t have that kind of relationship. They couldn’t. But that didn’t mean Hannah’s heart didn’t ache for Gabe’s loss. That she didn’t love... Hannah stepped back from the thought, bumping into the couch and almost sinking into it again.

  Gabe wanting to help people was very noble. It was admiration she felt. That was all. Hannah thought of her own young brieder. She couldn’t imagine them being in danger because of her and failing to help them. If teaching her CPR diminished the pain from Gabe’s eyes...

  Briskly, Hannah circled the mannequin and knelt on its other side. “At home, our floor is covered with linoleum. It’s not much softer. What should I do?”

  “Hmm,” Gabe regarded her across the blue-shirted figure. “There’s a bit to it, but it’s not difficult. If you’re really interested, I can see about having you attend the volunteer firefighters’ training meeting tomorrow evening. I’m re-certifying them on CPR. So for now, I’m just going to give you the basics, which can still help you save a life. Lack of oxygenated blood can cause brain damage within a few minutes. A person can die within eight to ten. CPR keeps that blood moving.”

  Hannah was afraid to ask, but she wanted to know. “What about the boy today?”

  Gabe smiled slightly. “Time will tell, but praise God, it was looking good when I left the hospital.”

  Hannah couldn’t prevent her corresponding grin. “Gut. I’m glad.”

  Her breath caught when Gabe didn’t look away. Shifting, he leaned fractionally closer. Pulled by a seemingly invisible thread Hannah edged forward. Lowering a hand to brace him, Gabe flinched when the heel of it pressed into Annie’s chest. Abruptly straightening, he sank back.

  “Okay, the first thing you want to be aware of when you come upon someone needing aid is BSI, body substance isolation, and scene safety. Kind of a problem doing chest compressions on a person if you’re surrounded by fire or in the middle of a road and could get hit by a car.”

  Hannah’s eyes rounded.

  “So check to see if the surroundings are safe. Then determine if the person is conscious.” Gabe glanced at Hannah to see if she followed. At her nod, he continued, “If they’re unconscious, tap them or shake their shoulder and ask, ‘Are you okay?’” Annie wiggled under his hand as Gabe’s loud voice echoed around the small apartment.

  “You try now.”

  Feeling a little silly, Hannah did as he instructed.

  “If you don’t get any response, you need to take immediate action. If you’re with someone, have them call 911.” Gabe sat back on his heels as he regarded her. “Which might be difficult in your community. Although, come to think of it, a number of your youth carry cell phones during their rumspringa. Well, if you’re with someone, have them get to a phone and dial 911 to get help. If you’re alone and you have a phone close, make the call before you start compressions. If you don’t have a phone close and you’re alone, go straight into chest compressions. Got it?”

  Knowing he expected some response from her, Hannah nodded weakly. It was a lot to think about.

  “Okay, the normal acronym is C-A-B. The C stands for compressions, which is keeping the blood circulating. The A is airway. Open the airway. The B is for breathing. You have to breathe for the person.”

  Her concern must have shown, as Gabe paused. “Hmm. Yeah, well, for you, we’re just going to teach chest compressions. Keep doing them until there’s movement or someone else can take over. Compressions may still keep someone alive until help arrives. If you want to learn more, come tomorrow night.”

  “Ah, I think this will be enough. I, um, wouldn’t want to show them up with my new skills.”

  “I understand.” From the way Gabe looked at her, she knew he also understood why she was doing this. Understood and was grateful. Hannah’s pulse accelerated. She couldn’t look away. What happens when you’re breathless and your heart is pounding too hard? Is there something that’s the opposite of CPR to assist with that before you make a fool of yourself?

  Blinking dazedly, Gabe glanced down at Annie. “Um, let’s see.” He pointed to where the material of Hannah’s skirt almost brushed the mannequin’s shoulder. “You’re kneeling in the right position.” He unzipped the doll’s blue jacket to expose the plastic chest. “Now, place the heel of one hand over the center of the person’s chest right here.” He placed his hand in the center of the mannequin’s chest, right above the V indicating the end of the rib cage. “Then put your other hand on top of the first hand. Like so.” He demonstrated. “Make sure your shoulders are directly above your hands and keep your elbows straight. Now you try.”

  Gabe retreated. Hannah leaned forward to hesitantly put the heel of her palm against Annie’s cool, hard plastic. She placed her other hand on top of it.

  “Just a little farther over here.” Gabe reached out to gently shift her position and adjust her fingers. Hannah froze at the warm touch of his hands enveloping hers. Breathlessly, she glanced up to meet Gabe’s eyes. They were equally shaken. His fingers flexed on hers a moment before he drew in a ragged breath and shifted away. “That’s...it. Right there.”

  And it was. The unexplained, unanticipated, incomparable feeling that’d happened the first time their hands had touched.

  Gabe cleared his throat. He reached out as if he was going to touch her shoulders to reposition her before thinking better of it. “Okay, elbows straight, and shoulders directly over your hands. That’s good.”

  Flushing under his praise, Hannah composed a bland, interested expression as she sat back.

  Gabe repositioned himself over the mannequin. “You can’t use just your arms, you have to use your upper body weight. Push straight down on the chest about two inches.”

  Wincing, Hannah bit her lip. It seemed so much.

  “Remember, you are beating their heart for them. You’re saving their life. Believe me, if their heart isn’t beating, they’d rather you do it than not.” He demonstrated. “You want to do compressions at a rate of 100 to 120 per minute.” He hooked a smile at her. “I don’t suppose you listen to a lot of music?”

  Frowning, Hannah shook her head.

  “Well, there was a song that came out during the disco craze that has the perfect beat. It’s called, ironically, ‘Stayin’ Alive.’”

  “Was the song written for CPR?”

  “No,” he laughed softly, “but it fits.” He sat back again. “You try now.”

  Hannah positioned herself over Annie, careful to put her hands in the correct position. She tentatively pressed down, surprised at the give of the mannequin. Rebounding, she pressed again.

  “You got it. Now a little faster.”

  Hannah picked up the speed of her compressions.

  “That’s it. Now take it from the top. You find a person unresponsive.”

  Hannah went through the steps, pleased she remembered them all, ending with a minute of compressions. Strong as she knew herself to be from helping with farm work, she was surprised at how fatiguing CPR could be. She was slightly winded when she looked over to see Gabe nodding in satisfaction.

  “I know. An untrained person can usually last about ten to fifteen minutes doing CPR. You did great. Do you want more?”

  Hannah knew he only meant further training. She needed to get back downstairs. Away from him, away from the truth that she wanted so much more from him. She wanted to be able to give so much more. Her hand, her heart, her life to share with him. But that would mean giving up her community and opening her parents to more pain. Which she couldn’t do. The most she could get from and give to Gabe was a careful friendship.

  Shaking her head, she cleared her throat awkwardly. “Denki for the les
son. Now I can hold my head up around Ben, Gideon and Samuel. But I pray I never have to use it.”

  “My pleasure. And you won’t be the first one leaving a CPR class with that thought.”

  As Hannah rose to her feet, she noticed the splash of blue against the wall. “The curtains! I was going to hang them for you. If you’ll give me a moment, I’ll run down for a hammer and some nails to hang the rods.”

  Gabe picked up the mannequin and returned it to the end of the couch. “I’ve unpacked recently enough that I remember where I put mine. I’ll help you.”

  Within minutes, they had the rods and curtains up. Gabe had been correct. They certainly brightened up the place. As did the smile that Gabe now wore. Trotting downstairs, Hannah couldn’t deny the pleasure she felt in knowing she’d put it there. Her descent slowed as she realized that even though she’d never stopped loving Gabriel Bartel, she was still going to marry another man.

  Chapter Five

  Gabe turned off the highway onto the country road. It wasn’t exactly out of the way. Okay, it was a bit out of the way, but he was going to take this route on his return from teaching an early-morning CPR recertification class at the Portage hospital. If the route just happened to go past Hannah’s farm, which he’d recently discovered the address of, well, a critical part of his job involved being able to quickly find locations in the county. Surely it made sense to explore his new area?

  Perhaps knowing where Hannah lived might prevent her from disappearing from his life again. Although, Gabe mused that not knowing her address didn’t rate high now among their obstacles. But while Hannah had learned a bit about CPR yesterday, Gabe had learned that she wasn’t indifferent to him. There might still be reason to maintain a sliver of hope for their relationship. What could he say, he was a hopeful guy.

  Gabe slowed as he passed her family’s pristine farm yard, raising his eyebrows as he noted clothes on the line, even on a cold winter morning. But the pants and dresses shifting in the slight breeze were the only movement at the farm. What had he expected? Just because it was her day off didn’t mean she’d spend it outside so he could see her as he drove by.