Redemption

by LK Shaw

  “Josephine.” He slowly, almost reluctantly, removed his hands from my arms. Instantly, my body temperature dropped a few degrees now that his heat moved away from me. A small sense of pride spread through me when Miles broke eye contact first. The Domme in me wanted to praise him.

  “I’m quitting.” I’m not sure which of us was more surprised at my declaration. Maybe more so me, considering I had no idea that was going to come out of my mouth. But now that I’d said it, I couldn’t take it back. Maybe starting out somewhere fresh was what I needed to get over Miles. It didn’t help seeing him day in and day out. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I had at least two new job offers a month, but I’d never considered going elsewhere out of loyalty to Connor and because Miles was here. Except, now seemed to be the time to begin the next chapter of my life. I knew Connor would understand.

  “What?” Miles barked the question at me. My skin prickled as I envisioned everyone in the office staring at us as we stood here. Not wanting to continue this conversation in such a public place, I headed to my office.

  “Perhaps we should finish this conversation in private.”

  Miles followed me and closed the door behind him.

  “Now, what do you mean, you’re quitting? Out of nowhere you just decide to up and leave? How could you do that to… Connor?”

  My heart sped up. I know he paused before saying Connor. As though that wasn’t who he’d been referring to. I squashed the excitement though, because every time I seemed to get my hopes up, Miles would say something and they’d be dashed. My heart couldn’t take it anymore. I thought I was stronger. That I could make him envision a future with me. I guess I wasn’t as strong as I thought, because I couldn’t fight him anymore. Like Casey, I couldn’t bring him back to me.

  Miles had to want to fight his demons. No matter how persuasive I was and no matter how much I tried to command him to heal, clearly he wasn’t ready. He wanted to wallow in his regrets and guilt and self-pity. So now he was stuck with them. And they sure wouldn’t keep him warm at night. Which, thinking about it, just started to piss me off.

  “I gave Connor my notice, and he understands my need to challenge myself with something different. I’ve been thinking about advancing my career for a while now anyway.” The lie tasted bitter on my tongue.

  “You’re lying.” Miles narrowed his eyes as though he could see right through me to the truth.

  I tried not to fidget under his glare, knowing he was completely correct. But now that I’d said it out loud, the idea had merit. I had no idea how Connor was going to react when I got around to telling him I was leaving. I couldn’t let that stop me though. As much as I loved Connor, he had to understand the agony I was going through every day. He was the one who warned me that Miles would break my heart. No matter how much it hurt though, I was glad I’d gone for it. Because now I knew. Now I could move on.

  “I’m afraid not. I was offered a job with another company. I’d been debating about whether it was a good move for me or not, and after weighing the pros and cons, I’ve decided to take it. I mean there’s no reason I should stay is there?” Even though I knew what his answer was going to be, I still held my breath as I waited for the axe to fall. I mentally braced myself for it, hardening my heart against yet another rejection from this man.

  “You’re well respected, and we’re all like family. Everyone would miss you.”

  Annnnnd, there it was. I could only shake my head. Needing to get away from him, I began to walk around his body, which blocked my path to my office door. Just as I moved past, Miles grabbed my arm to stay my retreat. My body stiffened. I stood taller and gave him my best Domme stare, daring him to take his hands off me.

  “I would miss you.”

  Chapter 19

  The words were spoken so softly, I wasn’t sure I actually said them out loud. Although, I must have, because she turned to glare at me with that commanding look in her eyes.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I would miss you.” I spoke louder this time. My hand was still lightly wrapped around her uninjured arm. I wondered if she realized I was still touching her. I hoped not, because I didn’t want her to pull away. I didn’t want to stop touching her. Maybe not ever. When she said she was leaving Blacklight Securities, I swear the Earth stopped moving, and it was as though all the air had been sucked out of me. I felt a black hole fully engulfing me. Except this blackness was different than what I’d been experiencing since Malcolm’s death.

  I’d been desperately fighting my demons since walking away from her last week. The dreams I’d been having of Malcolm had changed. Now, when I closed my eyes, it was Josie’s death I saw. Especially, now that she’d been hurt.

  “I’m not so sure about that. Because a couple weeks ago, you couldn’t get away from me fast enough. ‘Betrayed’ was the word you used. How convenient that now that I’ve decided to leave, you want me around.”

  I turned her to fully face me, and of their own accord, my hands cupped her cheeks, my thumbs brushing her cheekbones. My eyes gazed deeply into hers so she had no doubts about what I was saying.

  “Yes, I was angry with your deception. How could I not be? I still am a little. I had no idea what submission was, but I was ready to trust someone I felt a connection with and do something completely new, and to be honest, terrifying. Then to find out that you were that person all along threw me for a loop. I was confused. I’ve had reasons for keeping my distance. But make no mistake, I’ve always wanted you around Josie. Always. I think it’s taken the possibility of losing you to make me realize that my life would be more worthless than it already is without you in it.

  “I’m not saying that things are going to be easy for me. I’m damaged, Josie. I don’t know how to deal with the fact that I killed someone. Whether it was to protect Connor or not, I caused the death of another human being. I barely sleep and if I do, it’s only for short periods of time, because I’m waking up from nightmares, my whole body drenched in sweat. My mind is plagued with visions of death. It doesn’t matter if I’m asleep or awake. My nose twitches with the metallic smell of blood. I barely eat. In fact, oftentimes, I can barely breathe. You can’t begin to understand what that’s like.”

  She covered my hands with hers and turned her head to press a kiss to the palm of first one hand, then the other. Then she said something that shook me to my core.

  “When I was eighteen years old, I killed a man. Believe me when I tell you, Miles, I understand exactly what it’s like. But the difference between you and me is that I don’t regret what I did. I didn’t let the guilt suffocate me. Stop me from living. I did what needed to be done to protect someone I loved. I would do it over again a thousand times if it meant protecting my family from harm. And I’d still have no regrets.”

  Then before I could come up with a response, she slipped out of my grasp and continued down the hall and out the office door. My back collided with the wall and the jarring unfroze my brain. I hustled down the hall in search of answers.

  We typically had an open-door policy at here at Blacklight Securities. Except Connor’s door had been closed. Which meant he either had a client or he was on the phone with a client or potential client. Not caring either way, I barged into Connor’s office without knocking. Connor looked up from his phone conversation. He must have seen something on my face and sensed the volcano of emotion that was threatening to erupt.

  “I apologize Mr. Simmons, but I’m going to have to call you right back. No, it’s nothing to worry about. Yes, thank you so much for understanding.” He hung up the phone and gestured for me to sit.

  I was too keyed up to even think about sitting at the moment. Taking a page from Connor’s book, I began pacing.

  “Did you know about it?” I laughed without humor. “Of course you did. That’s why you and Josie are so close. Did you help her hide the body?”

  Connor leaned forward in his chair and rested his chin on steepled fingers. “So, she finally told you? I wondered w
hen she would. And to answer your question, no, I didn’t help her hide the body.”

  “Why didn’t either of you tell me?”

  “It didn’t concern you.” I flinched at his response. He didn’t try to soften the blow. “Besides, it happened a long time ago. Whether you knew or not didn’t change anything. Plus, it’s Josie’s story to tell, not mine. For reasons only she knows, she didn’t think it was something she needed to share with you. You’ve been friends. Office buddies and nothing more. You’ve kept her at arm’s length since the first day she showed up. A story of that magnitude isn’t something you share over morning coffee. It’s something you share with your lover, your soul mate, your future spouse. You’ve made it grossly apparent that you are none of those things, Miles.”

  Every word he spoke ricocheted like a bullet to my heart. It seemed I was being given some hard truths lately. I didn’t particularly care for them. Mostly because it forced me to acknowledge things I wasn’t ready to acknowledge.

  “But what if I want to be those things? You and I both know my head hasn’t been screwed on straight for months now. Between Josie being injured and with her threatening to quit, I’m starting to realize how much I’ve needed her but have been denying it. I’m struggling, and I know I can’t do this alone. I need someone to help me. I need Josie.”

  Connor came upright to full attention. “Sit down and tell me what you mean by Josie is threatening to quit.”

  I followed Connor’s orders, but before I took my regular spot on the love seat, I stopped at the bar and poured each of us a glass of Jameson. I had a feeling we were both going to need it.

  Chapter 20

  After returning from lunch, I headed straight to my office, hoping I could avoid another confrontation with Miles. I’d just reached my office door when a deep voice came from behind me.

  “I’d like to see you in my office, Josephine.”

  My hand froze on the doorknob. Like an errant child, I cringed at the sound of my full name. Anymore, Miles was the only person to call me Josephine. Although, I vaguely recall him calling me Josie for the first time ever before I walked away from him earlier. It hadn’t struck me until after I left. My eyes shut of their own accord, and I inhaled a deep breath of courage before slowly turning to face my boss. A boss whose blank expression scared me more than any anger. Anger I knew how to handle. This blankness reeked of disappointment. And there was nothing worse than disappointing someone you love. The aching feeling of dread spread deeper into my belly. Damn you, Miles. You couldn’t keep your mouth shut.

  “What can I do for you, Connor?”

  He didn't repeat his statement. He merely turned and disappeared back into his office, leaving the door open, knowing I’d soon be right behind him. Since there was no point in avoiding the conversation, I slowly made my way to Connor’s office, dragging my feet to prolong the talk I knew I was about to have. Shit.

  I closed the door behind me and carefully made my way to the chair directly in front of Connor’s desk, where he’d already seated himself. His pose was deceptively calm. I held my head up high and remained perched on the edge of the chair, fingers loosely clasped in my lap. I forced myself to not wring my hands or fidget. I was pretty sure I knew what Connor wanted to talk about, and as much as I hated disappointing him, I’d made my decision. A rash decision, no doubt, but it was still my choice.

  “How was your lunch, Josephine?” Coming from anyone else it would be an innocuous question. Coming from Connor, in that sickening sweet tone, it was anything but.

  Needing to rip the Band-Aid off, I had no desire to answer his banal question. I refused to break eye contact. “Say what you really want to say, Connor. You’ve never had any trouble speaking your mind. Don’t make an exception now.”

  He sighed, clearly in frustration. “Fine, then. I heard you’re quitting. I’m curious when you were going to tell me. You know, your boss.”

  Mentally, I cringed, but I refused to show weakness to Connor. He was a predator, through and through, and to show him how vulnerable I was feeling right now was something I refused to do.

  “I haven’t made any final decisions, but I have been ruminating on a job offer I’d received recently. It would be a great opportunity with room for advancement. I could tap into more of my potential. Not that I don’t love what I’m doing here, but there’s always room for professional growth. You wouldn’t want me to get stuck in a rut now, would you?”

  “I never took you for a quitter.”

  I bristled at his statement. “How, precisely, is me taking another job opportunity being a quitter? I’ve worked hard for you over the last six years. But, I’m still doing the same thing I’ve always done. Maybe I want something more.”

  “You’ve never expressed any sort of unhappiness with your job duties before, Josephine. You know you could have come to me at any time and I would have given you more responsibilities. You seemed like everything was fine. Which is why I’m asking, why now? What’s changed?”

  God, I hated that he just didn’t accept my original reason, even though we both knew it was bullshit. Connor had always been able to see right through me. Not that I hadn’t been completely transparent today. I hated that he always made me face reality. Not only face it, but actually acknowledge it.

  “Let’s cut the crap. We both know why I’m leaving.” My stiff shoulders began to sag, and the proud posture I’d been working so hard to maintain flattened. “I know you told me to give him some time, but I’m tired, Connor. Tired of fighting for someone who is fighting even harder against me. I thought I could get through to him. I thought if he saw how good it was between us, he would come to his senses. Maybe this is what we both need. Time apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh at my own words. It was either laugh or cry.

  Connor came around to the front of his desk and propped his butt on the edge of it. “I talked to Miles, you know. After you left earlier. He came to see me after you dropped your bomb. He was pretty shaken up about what you told him. Don’t you think it’s unfair of you to share only a portion of your story with him? You thought you could heal him through submission, and yet you didn’t share with him how BDSM helped you. That’s a lot of blind faith you were expecting Miles to give you, Josie. You and I both know how important trust and communication are in any relationship. Even more so in a D/s one. You should have told him. It might have helped him more than anything. Knowing that you both went through the same experience.”

  “And when would I have shared this information with him? I tried to get him to talk to me; he walked out. He’s been avoiding me ever since. There haven’t been a lot of opportunities for me to talk to him. You’re the one who told me to give him some time. Well, here’s me giving him all the time he needs.”

  I was getting irritated at Connor’s sanctimonious attitude.

  “Quitting Blacklight isn’t the answer and you know it. You’re making rash decisions because you’re hurt. I get it. But this isn’t the way to do it.”

  I stood and headed for the door. He knew I was quitting now, and there was nothing more to be said.

  “I’m sorry, Connor. My decision’s been made. You’ll have my official letter of resignation on your desk before I leave for the day.”

  He didn’t have a chance to respond before I closed the door behind me. Leaving made me feel sick to my stomach, but I was lost and didn’t know what else to do. It hurt so much to see Miles day in and day out and know we didn’t have a future. Unrequited love was a bitch. I hated disappointing Connor, and it made me even sicker knowing that he was right. Me leaving didn’t solve anything.

  I was behaving like a petulant child, which of course, made me defensive. I knew I was in the wrong. I’d apologize to Connor later for walking out, but until then, I was going to forget about our discussion and engross myself in the latest case I was working on.

  I’d been at my desk for a few hours when the door slammed open and Bryce came barrelin
g in.

  “What is this I’m hearing about you quitting? How could you not have told me? I thought we were supposed to be best friends, and yet I have to hear it from Phyllis who heard it from Margaret.”

  “For God’s sake, people around here gossip worse than junior high schoolers. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I only made the decision less than three hours ago. I had to get away from Miles, and Connor had me in his office the minute I got back. We had a disagreement and, in all honesty, I’m hiding right now. It didn’t even occur to me that office gossip would make its rounds like this. I’m sorry, Bryce. It wasn’t intentional.”

  Bryce flopped into the recliner I’d had brought in one day a few years ago when we were working late nights on a particularly brutal case. He pouted, his arms crossed over his chest, until finally, he heaved a sigh.

  “Fine, I forgive you. But I can’t believe you’re actually quitting. What am I going to do without you here?”

  I walked over to where he reclined and parked my butt on the armrest. I leaned down and hugged my best friend, already regretting my decision.

  “I’m going to miss you, you know. We’ve worked well as a team, you and me. Honestly, Bryce, what I’ve done scares the shit out of me. I have no doubt I’m going to be miserable. But you know me. I’m a stubborn bitch, and once I set my mind on something, I rarely change it. I’ve let things get out of control, and I truly don’t know how to fix it.”

  “You need to get back to Eden and scene. You’ve been gone for almost two weeks. A lot of shit has gone down in such a short period of time. Don’t make any rash decisions until you’ve had a chance to dominate a few subs. Bring your focus back. Remember everything Connor taught you. Once you harness that control you’re known for at Eden, apply it to real life. You and I both know it’s how we keep sane.”