Seriously... I'm Kidding

by Ellen DeGeneres

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2011 by Crazy Monkey, Inc.

  Illustrations copyright © 2011 by Ross MacDonald

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  Grand Central Publishing

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue

  New York, NY 10017

  Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com

  www.twitter.com/grandcentralpub.

  First eBook Edition: October 2011

  Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

  ISBN: 978-0-446-58503-3

  Table of Contents

  Front Cover Image

  Welcome

  Dedication

  Acknowledgments

  A Note from the Author

  Writing This Book

  CoverGirl

  How to Be a Supermodel

  Stuff

  Personally Speaking

  The Secret of Life

  The Secret of Life—Part Two

  Thunderclap: A Short Short Story

  Journal Entries

  Important Words

  Family

  What Would Jesus Do?

  Haiku

  Stretching

  Meditation

  Guided Meditation

  Random Things That Might Help You But Probably Won’t

  American Idol, Or “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Say Anything at All”

  Common Courtesy

  Sauna

  Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

  Labels

  For the Children—Part One

  For the Children—Part Two

  Talking Hard

  Pros and Cons

  Additional Thank-Yous

  Babies, Animals, and Baby Animals

  My Bucket List

  I Am Not Lazy

  Aspirations: A Short Short Story

  Social Skills

  Dinner with a Psychic

  Ideas

  For the Teenagers

  For the Adults Who Don’t Understand the For the Teenagers Chapter and Really Want To

  The Longest Chapter

  Tweet Chapter

  Deep Thinkers and Not So Deep Thinkers

  Chapter for the Audiobook Listeners

  Honesty

  Don’t Worry, Be Happy

  Magic

  Girl Power

  Boredom

  Ellen’s Guide to Gift Giving

  Pondering

  Adults Only Chapter

  Gambling Tips

  Timeline of a Celebrity’s Day

  Sleep

  Letter to Mall Security

  How to Become a Billionaire

  5 Extremely Easy Ways to Make a Lot of Money

  Inside My Head

  Romance: A Short Short Story

  Dreams

  Seriously… I’m Kidding

  Last Chapter

  About the Author

  Also by Ellen DeGeneres

  Copyright