Stratagem

by Christina Hagmann

  I didn’t know where to go, so I stood on the freshly paved patio and held my tray close to my chest. I turned back toward the patio door, looking for an escape. Smith stood there, his arms crossed, blocking my path. This was intentional. He wanted me to make amends.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened them, I saw Aaron watching me. Brody had his head down and was shoveling food from his plate into his mouth. Aaron looked at Smith and then back at me, and I could see as his face smoothed that he knew what Smith was up to.

  There was a small bistro table close to the door, and rather than stand there like an idiot, I quickly put my food down and sat, fumbling with my napkin before smoothing it on my lap. I didn’t know where to look, so I kept my eyes down, or tried to, but with Brody so close, my eyes were like magnets drawn to him. I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but I missed him.

  I picked up my fork to stab a piece of lettuce from my salad, and when I looked up again, Brody was turned toward me. We made eye contact, and this time, he didn’t turn away, but I couldn’t hold his gaze. I jabbed at another piece of lettuce and looked up again. This time, Brody turned away.

  I tried to concentrate on chewing and swallowing in a calm and normal way, but everything seemed exaggerated. When I heard footsteps approaching, I looked up to see Brody walking past me. His jaw tightened as he approached Smith. Then, I heard a metal chair screech against the concrete. Aaron was sitting across from me.

  He didn’t speak but regarded me steadily. I put my fork down and placed my hands in my lap as I finished the food I was chewing, forcing it down. I wanted a drink from the bottle of water I brought out, but I didn’t want to reach for it or drink it in front of Aaron.

  Aaron folded his hands on the table. “So, here’s the thing,” he said. His words seemed forced, but whatever he was feeling, he had wrapped it in calm. “They’re making us stay here until you’re ready. They think if you have another…setback, that we can help. I tried to explain to them that things had changed, but they aren’t having it. Brody will barely talk to anyone.” He stopped and looked at his hands. I didn’t speak. He was feeling something, and I could see it, smoldering at the edges. He opened his mouth as if to say something but paused. Finally, he continued. “Here’s the thing. Though it kills me to say it, he still cares for you.”

  My breath caught in shock. Then, the heat of anger crept up my neck. Was this another game? I was angry he was telling me this. He had to see it. I couldn’t hide it. Suddenly, I realized things would never be the way we wanted them to be. “I don’t believe that. Not after…what he said.”

  “Meda, he has every right to be disappointed in you. He was way too trustworthy from the beginning, and you proved to be undeserving of his trust when you left him in the dark. You made him look like a fool.”

  “I’m sure he doesn’t care how people see him.” I couldn’t imagine the confident Brody who I knew being embarrassed. “And you’re right.” I folded my hands, mirroring him. “I never did deserve anything Brody gave me, which is why I think it is best I stay away.”

  Aaron glanced towards the building and then back at me. “That might be what is best for you, but for once, you need to think about what is best for Brody.”

  “But how?” I reached down and grabbed my napkin, crumpling it and dropping it on my tray. “Brody won’t even talk to me. How do you expect me to fix anything?”

  Aaron got up from his chair. “I don’t know. But you’re pretty smart. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” He pushed his chair in and walked by me and through the patio door. I pushed the tray aside. I wasn’t hungry anymore. In fact, I felt sick to my stomach.

  chapter 26

  After my run-in with Brody, I went back to my studies, but I lacked focus. I tried to watch hours of videotape of the interactions between the President and the First Lady, but I found myself zoning out. I read over transcripts that were uncomfortably intimate and tried to mimic her exact words, but I couldn’t put myself into it. I didn’t know what it was like to be in a relationship. I had no clue how to talk to someone that way. With every loving and alien word that tumbled out of my mouth came a flood of doubt.

  I was a couple of days into my cram session, reading a book on the President, when I looked up and noticed that I was alone. There was always some man in a suit lurking in the background, but at this moment, the room was eerily quiet and empty.

  I stood up and walked over to the shelves of equipment that lined the walls. I ran my fingers across some of the items. Tapes, discs, video equipment, books, and file folders containing photos and transcripts. There was so much information that there was no way I’d be able to get to it all. My pulse kicked up, and I felt like I was going to have some kind of panic attack. I would never be ready. I would never make it through this.

  I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on the items in front of me rather than the job that I was doomed to fail at. There was an old video camera on the shelf in front of me, so I picked it up, pressing the side to open it. It had one of those mini tapes in it. I powered it on, surprised that the batteries worked, and looked at the screen as I scanned the room. It was calming, looking at the world through the screen, as though I wasn’t there. Still looking through the screen, I walked over to the sofa.

  An idea was forming in my head, an idea born out of fear but developing quickly because of the camera in my hand. I couldn’t hide from the world behind a camera lens, but I could use it to get a message out. A message I was too afraid to say in person.

  I moved over to the television stand that held the flat screen and placed the camera down on the space in front of the TV. I did not stop recording. Instead, I crouched down so my face was in the camera shot. I took a deep breath and stared into the lens. I didn’t know where to start. I thought about all I had been through and all I had done, the people I hurt along the way, and the task in front of me. And then, I spilled my guts.

  I started talking about my dad and my sisters, then continued with everything I thought I knew about my mother, about what happened with my mother, and about how I felt about her, including the anger, hurt, and confusion. I talked about all I had done wrong, and I apologized over and over again. As I talked, I knew exactly who I was talking to, and I told him how much I cared for him and appreciated him. I told him I wasn’t worthy of having someone care about me like he had. And then I apologized again and again.

  When I ran out of things to say, I stared into the camera. I leaned forward and pressed the stop button, then took the camera in my hands and ejected the tape. With the camera in one hand and the tape in the other, I went to the door of the study and knocked on it with my elbow.

  A suited man opened the door and looked me up and down. I handed the tape to him. “Make sure this gets to Brody,” I said. The man looked confused at first as he stared down at the object in my hand. Then, he took it from me and nodded curtly. He looked at me, waiting to see if I had anything else to say, but I turned and walked away.

  I went back to the sofa and plopped down. As the man in the suit shut the door, I had a sudden overwhelming urge to run back and snatch the tape from him. I tried to think back on everything I said. Then I tried to imagine Brody’s response to my words, to my feelings. I never let anyone see the real me. I felt so vulnerable. What if he laughed? What if he showed the video to everyone and they all laughed at what an idiot I was? What if he never cared, and he was only mad at me because I had made a fool of him? My pulse quickened again, and my vision blurred around the edges. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I reminded myself that I couldn’t change anything and I didn’t care what Brody thought. I didn’t believe myself, but I knew I deserved whatever happened to me.

  chapter 27

  A while later, there was a short rap on the door. I must have dozed off because I found myself slumped over on the arm of the sofa. I quickly sat up and wiped my hand down my face as Smith walked in.

  When I saw him enter, I stood. He was
n’t stopping in for a friendly visit. There was something important he was going to tell me, and I could see it on his face.

  “What is it?” I asked, trying to hide the concern in my voice.

  He waited until he was standing directly in front of me. “We are putting you in place tomorrow.” I started to shake my head, but Smith continued talking. “We have a security breach. The First Lady is available for a swap. We need to go now.”

  “But I…” I ran my hand through my hair, “but I’m not ready.”

  “Sure, you are. But the last thing we need you to do is some gun training.” I knew he could see the look of horror on my face. I was frightened of guns, but he continued before I could protest. “It will mostly be handling a gun at close range.” I took a deep breath. “Meda, you have to be prepared. If the other… mimics are there,” I noticed he didn’t mention my mother, “you have to eliminate them. We’re going to have quite a mess to clean up when it’s all over, but it will be better than a nuclear mess.”

  I sealed my lips and closed my eyes. I couldn’t imagine myself pulling the trigger on anyone, much less my mother. But if I couldn’t do it, I’d be dead, and so would a lot of other people. Brody intruded my thoughts. There was no telling if he would see the video before I left. I might not ever get the chance to hear what he thought about what I had to say.

  Smith continued one more time. “Before we go to the range, I’ve arranged a video chat for you and your father.” He turned from me and walked over to the computer on the desk in the room.

  “Wait, why?” I blurted out. I knew why, but I wanted to hear Smith say it. He didn’t answer as he bent down by the computer to cue up the chat. I wasn’t prepared. There were so many questions I had and things I wanted to say to my dad, and they weren’t all good things. They weren’t the kind of things you would say to someone who you might never see again.

  The monitor showed the call going through, and before I could even think, my dad’s face filled the screen. First, he had Ginger and Georgia speak to me. They excitedly popped into view and had so much to say but had obviously been coached by my father not to ask any questions. We had a generic discussion, and before Dad sent them away, we all said our “I love yous,” and I could see Ginger start to cry. When they disappeared, I looked back and saw that Smith had left the room. He had given me privacy so I could have the conversation I needed to have. It was just my father and me.

  I tried to cautiously choose the words I wanted to say, but then it all came out. “Dad, how did we get in this position?” I stared at the man looking back at me. The man who I thought had been my real father all of my life. “Who was Mom? She wasn’t the mother I knew. How could you fall for her act?”

  My dad took a deep breath. He knew he didn’t have much time, so he didn’t hold back. “Meda, I knew your mother was not who she said she was, but I loved her anyway. When she told me there were people looking for her, I knew that it wasn’t some ex-lover. When she showed me what she could do, I began researching mimics. I mean, come on, I’m a librarian. I came across some stuff, and I knew I had to stop. I didn’t want to know that much, for her sake and for yours.” He wiped his eyes.

  I stared at the screen. He started to look less and less like my father and more like just a regular guy. A tired, regular guy. “So, you went on living with a complete stranger?”

  “She wasn’t a stranger. The Ava I know was a wonderful mother and a caring wife. When you love someone, you don’t care what came before for them.”

  “What about what came after? Did you know she chose to return to the Agency?” I watched my father shrug, and it irritated me. “Dad, how can you be so nonchalant about all of this? After all that has happened? After all the lies?”

  “Meda, you have to understand. The best things in my life are things that your mother gave me. Ginger. Georgia. You. How could I regret the time I spent with her?”

  “But she hates you, Dad. She looks at you with pity. She regrets ever meeting you.” My dad’s smile disappeared. I felt bad for what I had said, but I couldn’t take it back. I knew I had gone too far.

  “The Ava you met is not my Ava. My Ava is right here.” He pointed at his head. “And right here.” He pointed at his heart. I understood what he meant. We believe what we want to believe. But it also reminded me what I had suspected all along. No one truly knows anyone, at least on the inside. So what was the point of it all? Like Dan said, don’t trust anyone. That was easier when you didn’t put yourself in a situation where you had to rely on someone.

  “Dad, I know you’re not my real dad.”

  “Yes, I am,” he said firmly.

  “You know what I mean.”

  “And you know what I mean, and that is all we are going to say about that. Now, I’m guessing you’re going to be doing something dangerous, which is why they are giving you this time with me. Be strong, Meda. Be confident. You are not like your mother. You are like me. You will do the right thing. I have faith in you.”

  As I looked at my dad, I began to cry. He stayed on for a couple of minutes, trying to give me words of encouragement, but he didn’t even know what I was going up against. He didn’t know how bad it could be.

  He said, “I love you,” about a billion times before the video ended. When it was over, a suited man came in to take me for my gun training. Luckily, my mind was still on my dad and my sisters, so I didn’t have time to be afraid.

  chapter 28

  After talking to my father and shooting at the range for two hours, I was exhausted when Smith brought me back to my room. My shoulders were sore. I had a headache. I felt like crying, but I couldn’t because I was too tired, too worn out. I knew this wasn’t a good way to go into this thing, but I couldn’t control myself. I collapsed in my bed, thinking I was going to fall right to sleep. It didn’t happen.

  I lay in the bedroom/cell. It was dark, and I stared at the wall, trying to see it. I was scared. If I failed, I didn’t know what that meant for me or for the world. I was lost in the middle of the ocean with no life raft. I wasn’t sure why I cared about what happened with the world at that moment. From my perspective, there wasn’t a lot of good in it, but there was my family and there was Brody. Not that Brody was speaking to me or ever would again. He seemed to have a set of morals and standards above anyone, so I knew there was no way he could forgive me again, like he had instantly forgiven me for what I had done to Aaron’s family. I knew that and accepted it, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

  I continued staring at the wall and trying to see in the dark when the door opened. I didn’t turn. From my experience, whenever the door opened, it wasn’t good. The only time people talked to me anymore was to give me bad news or to give me orders.

  The door clicked closed. That was different. Usually, visitors announced themselves when they entered, but this visitor remained quiet. A few padded footsteps moved towards me.

  “Meda?” Brody’s voice whispered in the dark. My heart began to pound. That was the last voice I expected to hear. I was frozen. My mouth felt dry, and my palms were sweating. I couldn’t answer. There were a few more padded footsteps, and I felt the bed shift under his weight. I still couldn’t move. I didn’t know how to respond. He wasn’t touching me in any way, but I could feel his body heat as he perched on the edge of my bed, close to my thigh.

  “Are you awake?” Brody whispered again.

  My breath hitched, and I hoped he couldn’t hear it. I finally was able to speak. “Yes,” I answered. He didn’t say anything. I could hear my own breathing, and I tried to stop, or at least be quiet about it. I closed my eyes, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. Part of me wished he would go away because I didn’t know how to react to this. Another part of me prayed for him to stay and never leave me, to curl up around me, ask me to run away with him, tell me he loved me. So instead, I waited.

  The pillow crumpled behind my head. He was now lying down behind me. I held my breath. We weren’t touching in any way, but we wer
e so close that I felt like we were.

  “I can’t let you leave like this.” The cot vibrated as he motioned with his free arm. “I can’t let you go without saying what I need to say.” I stayed where I was, facing the wall. Motionless.

  Brody took a deep breath. “Meda, would you face me?”

  I let out the breath I was holding and shifted my weight, rolling over but inching back so I wasn’t on top of him. We lay face-to-face on the bed. Even though it was dark, I could see the shadow that his jaw cast. My brain jumped to the video, and I squeezed my eyes shut in embarrassment.

  “Are you…ready for this?” he asked.

  I tried to be brave. I tried not to show what I was feeling. Trust no one. But this was Brody, and it was only seconds before I blurted out, “No.” I tried to fight back tears. “But I don’t have a choice.” The tears spilled sideways down my face. Brody reached out and tried to wipe them off my cheek, but there were too many. Instead he pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me. It was as though I was underwater, holding my breath for so long, and had just emerged to the surface. I let out ugly sobs, the ones easier to do in the dark when someone is holding you. He didn’t say anything, and he didn’t need to. The smell of him, the soap in his hair, his deodorant, it comforted me.

  “I’m so sorry, Brody. I’m so sorry,” I sobbed, my voice cracking.

  He whispered in my ear. “You have nothing to be sorry about.” He pulled back and brushed the tear-drenched hair from my face.

  “I should have told you that I talked to my mother. I should have told you their plan to get me out of there. I put people in danger.” I squeezed my eyes shut in the darkness, trying to unsee the memories of all I had done.

  Brody let out a big sigh. “I wasn’t as angry about that as I was angry about the idea of you putting yourself in danger.” He held my head in both his hands, and without warning, he pulled me toward him and began planting gentle kisses all over my face.