London Road

by Alecky Blythe

  FIVE NEWSREADER. – murdering five women / working as prostitutes around Ipswich (Continues in background throughout.)

  TERRY. / Ooh – guilty then.

  JUNE. Wha? Didn’t say guil’y did it?

  TERRY. Yeah.

  JUNE. Oh – OOOOH! (Laughing, exclaiming.) O-oh! That’s one for me.

  TERRY. Yeah. Yeah.

  JULIE. Bit of a surprise weren’ it? (Pause.) I wish I was at Court now. (Pause.) I was just hands up to the police, really.

  JUNE. They should hang ’im.

  RON. Just havin’ a celebratory – / glass of Scotch. (Laughs.)

  Pause.

  ROSEMARY. / Well (Pause.) that was a surprise weren’ it?

  RON. Oh – ya know…

  FIVE NEWSREADER (on TV). Our correspondent James Cope – err – was given access to Steve Wright’s home – at number – 79 / London Road in Ipswich –

  ROSEMARY. / Whoa! Bloody ’ell.

  FIVE NEWSREADER (on TV). – in the heart of the town’s – red-light district – (Continues in background throughout.)

  ROSEMARY. It’s not! (Laughs.)

  HELEN. It was it was a shock, to to to – to hear it so quickly – / I couldn’t – I couldn’t believe it.

  GORDON. / Yeeeah.

  HELEN (looking out into the street). Oh no it’s gonna be floodlights through that door again and not bein’ able to see. (Pause.) I don’t see why they’re here.

  JAN. I’m feeling a lot better now it’s – well – more or less over, isn’t it? Common sense has prevailed. Ooh.

  MARY NIGHTINGALE (on TV). I’m in Ipswich tonight as Steve Wright is / convicted of one of the most –

  TIM. / Ooh Mary’s outside.

  JAN. Yeah.

  TIM. Shall I go an’ ask Mary if she wants some chilli? I’ll go and get me autograph book – I like Mary Nightingale. She’s a cracking bit a stuff. Quick Janet gimme a pen. (Laughs mischieviously.)

  Pause.

  JAN. You can say you seen her now – in person not just on the telly. (Pause. Laughing.) For what it’s worth! (Laughs.) Coulda done without not seeing her really. (Beat.) There’s some apple crumble in there Tim if you want any next. Alright?

  London Road outside.

  GRAHAME COOPER. I think we’ve been scarred (Beat.) for ever. (Beat.) Women will never trust men again (Pause.) and men – will always (Beat.) wonder what women are thinkin’. Ya know (Beat.) people ’ave been (Pause.) yeah – affected by this an’ – I guess they always will. (Pause.) Do you know I’ve almost got this mental picture of when those girls got up to Heaven (Pause.) that – St Peter said, ‘Come in,’ and they – and they said something like (Pause.) ‘D’you mean it’s over? (Beat.) d’you mean it’s finished? D’you mean I’m – they can’t hurt me any more?’

  Pause.

  London Road sitting rooms.

  GORDON. They certainly weren’t (Laughing.) angels. (Laughs.) Ya’ow (Beat.) lotta them talkin’ about them bein’ – lovely girls an’ everything an’ all our experiences, they’re (Beat.) well foul-mouthed slags, really, / who’d stab you as quick as (Beat.) –

  HELEN. / Yeah.

  GORDON. – phuh (Beat.) you know, / anything else wouldn’t they really, I mean they –

  HELEN. / Well (Beat.) ya’ow (Beat.) the the that might be a bit of an exaggeration, don’t –

  GORDON. Well – a slight exagger – / well they do – rob you (Beat.) –

  HELEN. / But (Beat.) but they do pester you…

  GORDON. – they’d easily rob you as much as / anything else.

  HELEN. / Yeah.

  DODGE. Their whole attitude – with us (Beat.) ff – makes it really hard – f-fer me to have much sympathy – for, you know what happened.

  JULIE. I can imagine for erm people that lived outside the area where the prostitutes hadn’t affected anyone, you would get a different opinion, you would get people feeling sorry for them and so forth. Erm but to actually – for people that lived round it an’ the prostitutes made our lives hell. Why should we feel sorry for them? You know there’s plenty of other people in the world that need to be thought about other than, (Beat.) other than the girls. (Beat.) Ya know, I feel sorry for the families but not them. Ya know it was just a pain in the arse. They were a complete pain in the neck. Ya know – they (Beat.) they’re betta off ten foot under. (Beat.) That’s a horrible thing to say isn’t it? But. What’s happened’s happened but I’m not sad. (Beat.) Ya know. (Beat.) I’d still shake his hand. I’d love to just shake his hand an’ say ‘Thank you very much for getting rid of them.’ (Beat.) I-I wou – I would if I – if you the – ya know – at the end of the day – if you had the courage to do it. Then uhm, I’d shake their hand if I had the courage but I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t do it. But – I can have that thought in my-my head to say ‘Yeah thank you very much.’

  Section Four

  ALFIE’s garden on London Road.

  Underscored:

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Oh God! Wow! I think he’s peaked today – prac – well probably about like Wednesday. Don’t you think Inga?

  JULIE. Still gotta get the trophy back. Ha!

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Oh God! Ha ha ha.

  GEMMA. You can always joke that you’ve got to take it back to re-present it.

  JULIE. But it is – not bein’ rude but it is the best house on the street. / Ha. It is. Yet again.

  INGA. / Ha ha.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. He’s got his boat.

  JULIE. Yup.

  GEMMA. Huh.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. This is a very tidy hedge as well / apart from the odd little –

  JULIE. / Yeah. (Beat.) Yeah.

  INGA. Elda?

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Elder – or is it uhm…/ I think it’s a bit of uhm… forsythia.

  INGA. / Is it elder?

  INGA. Is it?

  JULIE. Hiya.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Oh.

  INGA. Ooh.

  JULIE. Oh we got the whole crowd today.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Hahaha.

  ALAN. Can I have a picture of you with your –

  CHRIS. Good morning.

  JULIE. Good mornin’.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Ooh look.

  CHRIS. Hi I’m, I’m Chris Tomlinson. I do PR for ‘Ipswich in Bloom’.

  JULIE. Oh right.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Oh! Hi there.

  CHRIS. And Alan Dench / who’s taking / photos.

  JULIE. / Yeah.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. / Hiya.

  JULIE. I’m – I’m – I’m I-m Julie / I’m on the committee for Neighbourhood Watch.

  ALAN. / Hi Julie.

  CHRIS. Ah I’ve got your name written down on the pad.

  JULIE. Yes. Yeah. He done a lovely job again.

  CHRIS. Absolutely. Doesn’t it look nice. Where, where are the – / have they started?… Inga! / Good morning. How nice to see you!

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. /Loads of people have. Do ya know. This is such a good thing to do.

  INGA. / Aieee!

  INGA. Yes. Arrhh.

  JULIE. Are you alright Alfie?

  ALFIE. Yeah. Go-on.

  JULIE. He done a lovely job in’ he?

  CHRIS. Inga Lockington?

  ALAN. Yes of course I do. / Of course I do.Yes. You’re in mufty today, I didn’t recognise you.

  INGA. / Yes.

  INGA. Ahh ha ha ha.

  ALAN. You haven’t got on the gold?

  INGA. No. I’ve let go of my gold. / Ha ha.

  CHRIS. / Arrh. (To ALFIE.) This is Inga Lockington. / Used to be our Mayor.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. / Hiya.

  ALFIE. How are you there?

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Very good, how are you?

  ALFIE. Not too bad – not too bad.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Hello.

  JEAN. Hello. / Pleased to meet ya.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. / Do you live here as well or you?

  ALFIE. This is Jean. That�
�s mi wife.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Da ban nat-yeah-but – The gardener’s wife. Nice to meet you.

  JEAN. Nice to meet you as well.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Nice to meet youuu.

  ALFIE. This is J, this is Jean.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. I love these look.

  JULIE. Yeah.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. They’re the first like erm cornflowers / aren’t they that we’ve seen. WOW! / An’ look at that. / Bless him.

  JULIE. / Yeah yeah.

  JULIE. / You gotta put.

  JULIE. / Yeah.

  INGA. Yes. It’s just / the business.

  JULIE. / We gotta put. I think best front garden is ten plus.

  GEMMA. Mmmm.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Best fron – What do you think?

  GEMMA. Mmmm.

  INGA. Yes.

  JULIE. I just think he’s put in a / lot of effort.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. / It’s soo.

  INGA. Yes.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Yeah. An’ look.

  JULIE. It’s-it’s the o – it’s the / o – overall.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. / Par – it’s nautical, / religious.

  JULIE and INGA. / Mmmm.

  JULIE. Yeah. It’s got –

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Floral.

  JULIE. Yeah.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. All of human life is here. Haha.

  JULIE. Yeah, yeah.

  GEMMA. Animals on the top – /on the window.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. / Oh look! Little birds. Little seat. Let’s have a little go.

  JULIE. Yeah.

  INGA. Oh no I’d weight it down.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Lovely. Yeah. / Fantastic.

  GEMMA. / You’ve got – you’ve / got dogs over the window.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. / Where? (Beat.) Oh. Oh God! I love it.

  GEMMA. Ha ha.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Oh oohh! Aahhh. It is fabulous. It’s jus’ – look. Gnomes! Yeah. It’s sort of – it’s all. The overall effect / is stunning. / Isn’t it?

  JULIE. / Yeah. Yeah.

  JULIE. / I think – I think it’s the best – it’s the best front garden.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Sorry.

  JULIE. It is the best.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. It’s a bit of Lourdes in London Road. / Ha ha ha.

  JULIE. / Knock spots of off last year’s!

  ALFIE and JEAN laugh.

  ALAN (referring to his photos). I don’t know where they’re going yet but erm – there we are.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. I gotta say it’s Jesus that does it for me ’ere.

  GEMMA. Ha ha.

  JEAN. The thing is –

  ALFIE. I can’t – I can’t leave ’em out ya see cos they’ll –

  The thing is I’ll…

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Oh you / have to take ’em in?

  This woman (Beat.) –

  JULIE. / They’ll go walkabouts.

  Excuse me!

  ALFIE. I gotta take ’em in night-time.

  JULIE (simultaneous). They’ll go walkabouts.

  Without Jesus you wouldn’t have any of this.

  ALAN (simultaneous). They go walkies do they?

  ALFIE. Yeah. Yeah.

  JULIE. No. No.

  Beat.

  JEAN. He provided all of this –

  JULIE. Yerr. They done – / it’s bin really lovely. It really is lovely.

  JEAN. / – the Lord.

  Outside garden of No. 79 London Road.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. I think we ought to note that the Steve Wright house you would never know – an’ it’s got gorgeous little / rows in the garden.

  JULIE. / I don’t – I don’t wanna mention 79 at all. / No I don’t want –

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. / You don’t / want ’em in it?

  JULIE. / Oh no I want them in it / but we do – we do it as a – as a hou – as a – as a row. / We do it as a group.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. / Most improved.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. / Ohhhh.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. It’s been a problem though hasn’t it? D’ya know / what I mean like? We bring it up at those meetings with the police, / ‘When is it goin’ to be unboarded?’ And it is. / ‘Hurrah.’

  JULIE. / Yeah.

  JULIE. / Yeah.

  JULIE. / Yeah.

  JULIE. Yeah. This is the 79 anonymous. (Pause.) As far as I’m concerned ya know – it all got – all got to normal now. Ya know back t – back to normal the way – the way it was. Ya know. We just wanna – wanna see an end – end to it and London Road getting back to being London Road instead of being known for someone where – where the murderer lived.

  DODGE ’s back garden on London Road.

  The Git Band, GORDON on lead guitar, can be heard playing ‘Rockin’ All Over the World’ by Status Quo.

  TIM. People sayin’ that the house should ha’ bin demolished (Beat.) but I think that’s takin’ it to a bit – bit too far. So I think that’s good that someone is livin’ in the place.

  JAN. It would be nice if she came to our quiz nights and joined in – the neighbourhood really but erm er – you can’t push people in can you so…?

  JULIE. Hallo Alecky. You know where everything is don’t you? (Beat.) First – first lots of burgers are all out – an’ sausages. There’s jus’ – just further down there’s a table with cups an’ things on. An’ you can put yerr – you can put yerr drink. There’s a big bucket – ice bucket. So you can put yerr drink an’ that all in there. An’ jus’ help yerself to everything. An’ then it’s table an’ chairs all the way – all-all down – all down there for you to sit down. Alright?

  GEMMA. Hallo.

  JULIE. You alright?

  RON. This is all part of our drive for (Beat.) neighbourliness / if you like.

  HELEN. / Yeah to get everybody together.

  RON. Yeah.

  TERRY. ’At’s m – ’at’s m – anstead of bein’ in a town. / You –

  JUNE. / You don’t have sugar?

  TERRY. You’ve sort’of got now – a village atmosphere.

  ROSEMARY. I mean we know so (Laughing.) many people now, you know.

  RON. It’s a terrible shame, it’s – I mean, we’re – reaping na benefits of (Beat.) what ’appened (Beat.) really. Which is a (Beat.) there’s always a silver lining! Ha.

  JAN. We should have been (Beat.) uhm – more of a community then – when all – when all – all the prostitutes were hanging about.

  ALFIE. Everybody’s doin’ their gardens up now – there’s no prossies on the road. All the familia-ation ya know. We get on-an’-so it’s fine now. Everything’s fine.

  DODGE. Look. We’ve turned this around like. An’ this is – this is – this is what is possible.

  GORDON. It’s become so much more than a Neighbourhood Watch, really it’s become a real (Beat.) residents’ / association-come-community (Beat.) pullin’ together an’ havin’ fun together.

  JAN. / Yeah. (Beat.) Real sense of community.

  JULIE. An’ we’re – doin’ a huge big Christmas party, hopefully – in December (Pause.) with a disco, and getting the community together again there. (Beat.) Yeah you’re quite welcome to come to the uh (Pause.) come to our quiz night (Pause.) and the, uh (Pause.) party – that’d be (Beat.) be nice to see ya.

  The CROWD applauds as CAROL takes the mike.

  Song – ‘Everyone Smile’

  GORDON, CAROL and JULIE all speak into a microphone set up on the stage, where the band has been playing.

  GORDON. I don’t wanna pre-empt any-anything that Julie’s going to say but I would like to introduce you to Julie who has worked non-stop to organise this event. Therefore we feel that we oughta give her the microphone now to let her make a complete fool of herself!

  CROWD. Wheyy!

  GORDON. Oh no she’s making a fool of herself last apparently, (Beat.) so you better hang on till the end. Anyway here’s Julie to (Beat.) g
ive out some prizes and…

  JULIE. Carol’s going to do the announcing.

  GORDON. And Carol’s going to do some ann – oh Carol – like to introduce Carol as well then in that case.

  CROWD laughs.

  Carol is one of our local Neighbourhood Councillors, an’ she was one of the judges today in the competition and (Beat.) well I’ve lost the plot of who’s going to speak now so I’ll get out of the way and leave it to these two.

  CROWD laughs.

  *

  Applause.

  CROWD. Wheyy!

  *

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Uhm. Hi everybody. This is the second

  Annual er traditional party in Dodge’s garden,

  After er-judging the best gardens.

  And they just get better an’ better every year.

  And J-Julie must just do a better an’ better job every year.

  Anyway it was a real pleasure today – really good fun,

  And more an’ more people have made –

  More an’ more effort to make London Road look beauteous.

  *

  Applause.

  CROWD. Wheyy!

  *

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. We going to do er the best front garden.

  An’ we’ve picked as the runner – the runners-up

  This – a garden where it was very difficult,

  It was a real challenge to make this front garden (Beat.) beautiful.

  Because basically it’s all parking.

  A– it looks absolutely lovely,

  An’ once you look round the cars –

  ALFIE. I’m gonna come second then.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Fantastic.

  Laughter.

  TERRY and JUNE come to the front.

  *

  Applause.

  CROWD. Wheyy!

  *

  RON. Well done Tel.

  ALFIE. Well done.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Really really wonderful effort. Well done.

  GEMMA. Look at me please. Everyone smile.

  Repeat x 2.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Yeah we ha – we have official photographers. We have Gemma. We’re gonna have an exhibition (Beat.) an’ everything.

  GEMMA. No we’re not!

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. We are, we are. Ha ha ha.

  GEMMA. Yeah I’m next year’s!

  JUNE. Thank you.

  WARD COUNCILLOR CAROL. Okay.

  TERRY. Well done.