by Sarah Bailey
I put my seatbelt on as Aaron got in next to me. Harriet slid in the front and looked at me through the rearview mirror. I couldn’t tell what she thought of me.
I told her to take me to the estate. I could walk to my house from outskirts in less than five minutes. Her eyebrow raised, but she didn’t comment on it. When I glanced at Aaron, I could see the understanding in his eyes and I hated it. So what if I came from a poor working-class background? It was clear as day he didn’t, judging by the car his sister drove.
I stared out the window, hoping he wouldn’t try talking to me again. No such luck.
“I meant it about doing homework together,” he told me quietly. “If you want.”
Harriet had the radio on so I didn’t know if she could hear us or not.
“Don’t need help with it.”
“Maybe I do.”
Why would I care if he needed help? If he had some kind of nanny taking care of him, surely his parents could afford a tutor for him too.
“Why won’t you talk to me, Rhys?”
I didn’t like how he said my name with such familiarity.
“Don’t like to talk.”
“I just want to be your friend.”
I stiffened and bit down on my tongue so I wouldn’t say anything horrible to him in front of his sister. No one wanted to be friends with me. Ever. No kids on the estate and no kids at school either. My mum had got me into the best school in our catchment area since I was smart. Most of the kids on the estate went to the roughest school in the area. There’d been a lot of trouble in that school, so Mum was adamant I went somewhere decent.
“Don’t need friends,” I mumbled.
Aaron said nothing in response and the rest of the drive was silent. Harriet pulled up outside the entrance to the estate.
“You sure I can’t drop you directly home?”
“Here’s fine, thanks.”
I hopped out, hoping that was the end of it until I realised Aaron had followed me. Turning, I almost sighed knowing he would not stop with this weird urge of his to be my friend.
“Did you walk this morning?”
I shrugged.
“Yeah.”
“Why isn’t your mum taking you?”
I didn’t want to tell him. He’d look down on us. He probably already was.
“She can’t.”
He stared at me for a long moment.
“Be here at ten to eight tomorrow, yeah?”
He didn’t give me a chance to say no, getting back in the car. I couldn’t see him through the blacked-out windows. A part of me wondered what he was thinking and why he thought I’d want a lift tomorrow.
Shaking myself, I walked away as the car moved off. I hoped my dad wouldn’t be home when I got in. Dealing with him would make a bad day that much worse. Having been bullied and pestered, I was done with people.
Deep down, I didn’t want to acknowledge how it made me feel a little less like I wasn’t wanted by anyone when Aaron said he wanted to be my friend. And I didn’t want to explore the possibility I might be okay with having a friend either. Being alone was better. Being alone meant no one could hurt me like Dad hurt Mum. Being alone was the only way of life I knew. And I wasn’t about to let a boy I barely knew change that. Not for anything.
Chapter Three
Was it stupid of me to be waiting for him this morning? Probably. Maybe I wanted to know if he was serious about being my friend. Surely it was all too good to be true. I’d only ever been dealt with a crappy hand in life. Even when I tried. So I stopped attempting to connect with others. It seemed such a pointless waste of time.
My dad hadn’t been home when I got in, but Mum was there. She asked me why I’d got back early so I mumbled about a kid giving me a lift home. The way her eyes brightened made me sick. She wanted me to make friends. To do well in life. Little did she know the damage had already done. I wished I wasn’t a part of this world on a daily basis.
I wanted to ask her why she stayed with my dad, but I knew it would be useless. My mum couldn’t cope on her own. Not since she’d had me. My birth had left her permanently disabled. She had a condition called pre-eclampsia, whilst she’d been monitored closely, she’d ended up having a stroke right after I was born. It left her with spatial awareness and communication problems. Occasionally she had issues walking. My dad was technically her carer although, really, I looked after the most. She’d explained the reason behind her condition to me recently. She kept telling me I was a smart boy who could understand what everything meant.
So the fact my dad beat her sickened me. And it was why I remained. She didn’t have any other family except me. Her sister had been around to help out with me when I’d been a baby, but she’d died last year. I say she died. She took her own life. Mum said Aunt Bibi had suffered from severe depression since they were teenagers. I think I understood Aunt Bibi more than I did anyone else. She couldn’t take the pain any longer.
When a red Ford Fiesta pulled up in front of me, I ignored it at first as I was expecting the Range Rover. So when Aaron hopped out, I took a step back.
“I wasn’t sure you’d be here. Come on, Tamara’s better today.”
I hesitated for a long moment whilst Aaron stared at me with those stormy blue-grey eyes of his. In their own way, they were beautiful. I could imagine him being at home during a thunderstorm with lightning striking all around him whilst the rain poured from the sky. Shaking myself, I took a step towards him which brought a smile to his face.
When we were in the car and I’d mumbled hello to Tamara who seemed quite young with red hair and blue eyes and had an Australian accent, Aaron turned to me.
“So I was wondering if you wanted to come over at the weekend. My parents are away for work so it’d just be us and Tamara.”
“I can’t.”
It was a knee jerk reaction, but really, I had to be home for my mum. Weekends were the worst. My dad always had his friends over and they bothered Mum a lot. That’s when she’d take me down to the park and we’d feed the ducks at the pond. It was our routine. Disrupting that felt like I’d be tearing off a limb.
“You sure? Tamara makes lamingtons and they’re amazing.”
“I have to take care of Mum.”
It’d come out without me wanting it to, but his disappointed expression made me feel something. Like the last thing I wanted was his displeasure. The feeling was so alien. I never wanted to please anyone but my mum.
“Oh.”
I didn’t want to explain why to him. He didn’t get to know about my life. No one did. No one cared. Most people pitied me and Mum. Wasn’t her fault. She didn’t ask to have a difficult pregnancy. She didn’t ask to rely on my dad for care. Sometimes I wish he’d leave her, then I’d be her carer and we wouldn’t have to deal with him. We’d be better off without Graham King.
“That’s okay. Maybe some other time or after school.”
Why is he so eager?
I’d barely given him anything to go on. So I didn’t bother answering. Didn’t want to give him false hope.
“You have really pretty eyes, you know.”
I blinked.
Um, what?
I thought I had boring eyes. They were brown like my dad’s. In fact, I looked like a small version of him with inky black hair and tanned skin. A fact I hated. My mum always told me I was handsome, but I didn’t believe her. She loved how I’d taken after him. I didn’t understand how she could still love him, but adults and love were a huge mystery to me. Why would anyone want to have a relationship with another person when all they did was disappoint you? Seemed stupid to me.
“Uh… thanks.” I think.
What kind of boy talked like that anyway? Calling my eyes pretty. It was weird. Aaron was typically handsome, I suppose. Girls would be swooning over him when we got older.
“You’re welcome.”
His smile was so bright, I almost had to look away. A part of
me wanted to repay the compliment, but I refrained from doing so. Afraid it would lead him to believe I welcomed his attempts to make friends with me. I didn’t want the tiny bud of hope inside me to blossom. Maybe Aaron was genuine. Maybe he really did want to know me. Maybe he wouldn’t judge me for where I came from. He hadn’t said anything bad about where I lived despite probably knowing how rough it was. The police got called out daily. Drug dealers hung out in the alleyways behind the block of flats near my house. And the gangs were the worst. Those boys carried knives. I avoided that part of the estate like the plague.
When Tamara pulled up at the school, she got out and hugged Aaron. Her soft smile to me was unexpected.
“Laters,” she said to both of us before getting in the car again.
I thought Aaron might leave me be now we were at school. I was mistaken. He walked with me to class and sat next to me again. I was beginning to see this boy wouldn’t give up easily. And I wondered what it would take to get him to leave me alone. I didn’t want any further disappointments in my life. I couldn’t trust he wouldn’t be another person to add to the ever-growing list of crap in my life. How could I convince him I wasn’t worth his time? I would only be a burden. If he looked close enough, he’d see all the broken damage inside.
And that thought scared me more than anything else.
Chapter Four
Mum was pottering around in the kitchen when I got home. I set my homework out on the table after I kissed her hello. Doing it when I got in from school gave me time to hide in my room before my dad came home. I had a new book from the school library to read. My favourites were fantasies where you could get lost in a world that wasn’t your own.
“How was school?”
I looked up at Mum. She had a rolling pin out. She liked to bake when she could. Other than her black eye, she’d been doing well physically. Some days she struggled to get out of bed.
“Fine.”
“You’re back early again.”
“Got a lift.”
I wondered if I should tell her about Aaron properly or not. Didn’t want her to think I actually wanted to make friends with him.
“Is this the same kid from yesterday?”
I sighed, setting my pencil down.
“Yeah.”
She turned to me, her light green eyes bright with happiness.
“Do they have a name?”
“Aaron.”
I only ever confided in Mum.
“Well, you can tell Aaron and his mum thank you from me.”
“Not his mum who takes him. He has an au pair, which I think is like a nanny. She’s Australian.”
“You can thank her then.”
I fiddled with my workbook.
“Tamara gave me a lift to school too. Aaron says she doesn’t mind picking me up every day.”
He told me today at lunchtime when he’d insisted on sitting with me. The school had an initiative to make sure all the kids got balanced lunches, so today we’d had a pasta bake full of vegetables with a side of salad. Probably the only time I actually got a proper meal. Wasn’t my mum’s fault my dad didn’t give her enough money to buy food with.
Today it seemed he’d been generous as she had supplies to make chocolate chip cookies. My favourite. Graham was probably trying to make up for punching her in the face. Sometimes he’d be good to her, but mostly, he treated her like dirt. Not to mention how he stayed around Maggie Polton’s house all the time. I didn’t like her with her skimpy outfits and face full of gaudy makeup. Who knew what Dad saw in her.
“That’s very kind of them. I wish I could take you myself. I feel better knowing you have someone looking out for you.”
The guilt I felt at her words cut through me like a knife. Here I’d been actively trying to stop Aaron from wanting to be my friend.
“I know, Mum. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay, Rhys. I want you to have a better life than me. Than this.” She waved the rolling pin around. “I’m sorry I can’t give you more.”
I got out of my chair and went over to her, wrapping myself around her waist.
“Don’t. You’re enough. I love you.”
She stroked my hair, placing the rolling pin down and holding me.
“My sweet boy.”
I tried not to let my emotions out, but they clogged up my throat. She’d been through so much to have me. I should be grateful. I should be here to take care of her.
“I want you to have someone other than me. I’m just your mum. You deserve to be around people your own age.”
I wish she’d stop trying to push me to make friends. Being on my own was just fine with me. Didn’t need anyone else but my mum in my life. Not now Aunt Bibi was gone.
“I don’t like anyone else.”
“Not even Aaron?”
I didn’t know how I felt about him. Not really. He was so confident yet kind and understanding. My continual shrugging him off didn’t seem to put him off me. If anything, it only made him try harder. Like he had an ice-pick and was determined to shatter the ice frosting around my blackened heart. Little did he know I was already dead inside. There wasn’t any point in trying. Loneliness ate at me. Chipping away at my walls. Maybe it would be my downfall.
“He’s okay. I don’t know him though.”
“Maybe you should try.”
Or maybe he should leave me alone. That would be preferable.
“I don’t want to try, Mum.”
She pulled away and stared down at me. Her kind eyes were full of sadness. As if it hurt her to see how closed off I’d become.
“Rhys, we’ve talked about this before. You can’t live in a world where you isolate yourself from everything. That’s not how life works.”
“You do.”
She frowned.
“I’m stuck with my lot, but you don’t have to settle when you have your whole life ahead of you.”
I looked away, knowing she was right but hating it all the same. Hating how I couldn’t make her happier. Hating how I felt responsible for making her like this. Hating how I was too young to do more to help her. I hated myself so much it burnt through me, lacing my veins with agony.
“Would it make you happy if I make friends with Aaron?”
She stroked my hair back from my face.
“It would make me happy to see you happy, whether or not it’s by making friends. But from what you’ve said, it sounds like Aaron wouldn’t be a bad friend to have, don’t you think?”
She was probably right. My mum might have had a hard life but her instincts were always on point.
“Maybe.”
I said it to appease her having no real intention of making friends with him.
“That’s my boy. Now, do you want to help me cut these and I’ll let you have the first one straight out of the oven when they’re baked.”
I nodded. I always enjoyed helping her. Homework could wait. Spending time with my mum was the only thing that put a smile on my face. I tried not to think about how yesterday Aaron had almost made me laugh. And how today he’d kept staring at me with those storm cloud eyes of his reminding me of the last time I’d heard thunder rattling our front windows.
Why was he getting in my head like this? I didn’t want him in there taking up space. We didn’t know each other. He meant nothing to me. What if he was being nice only to hurt me when I let him in? I didn’t trust anyone other than my mum.
So why did I feel so conflicted? Why did all my thoughts keep coming back to the boy who’d rescued me from a bully? And why did I feel like I would grow to regret it if I kept pushing him away?
All of this whirled in my head as I helped Mum with the cookies. And I hated having no forthcoming answers.
Maybe you should try, Rhys. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe you won’t get hurt.
I always got hurt. Always. Nothing would ever change that. Not my mum. Not school. And certainly not the boy with blue-gre
y eyes, blonde hair and a smile which made me want to smile back.
Chapter Five
A week had gone by. A whole week where Tamara and Aaron had picked me up and dropped me off at school. A whole week of sitting next to him in lesson, at lunch and during break times. A whole week of him trying to get me to talk to him. And quite frankly, I was exhausted.
Every moment I spent in his presence wore me down until I’d become fully fed up of his constant chatter. Like how he told me he didn’t think Harriet’s boyfriend was very nice. Or that his parents were in America for some big launch his father’s company was doing. Or that he liked gaming and would love to show me his state-of-the-art computer his dad had bought him. I gathered he came from money, but he never seemed to flaunt the fact. It was just a part of his life. He’d grown up in a world of privilege unlike me. I lived on the breadline.
We were sitting on a bench outside during break time. He’d been talking to me about how Tamara was trying to get his parents to allow him to have a pet for the past five minutes.
“Do you ever shut up?” I interjected suddenly.
He turned to me, eyes widening.
“I would if you talked back.”
“You’re annoying.”
“You haven’t told me to leave you alone again.”
He was right. I’d told him that the first day we met. He’d ignored me.
“What if I did? Would you?”
“Probably not.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and sat back, eying him warily. This boy didn’t know when to stop. At all.
“Mum thinks I should let you be my friend. She asks me about you every day.”
His eyes lit up.
“You told her about me?”
“She wanted to know who’s giving me lifts is all.”
I looked away before his eager expression cracked one of my walls. He was wearing me down piece by piece.
“Well, I agree with your mum.”
Of course, he would. He’d been dead set on the idea of being my friend since day one.
“Still don’t need a friend.”