by Vera Hollins
I looked over the dark surface of the river, listening to the water flowing. It was too cold, but it was peaceful. Glittering stars decorated the night sky, with no clouds marring it, and I wished I could replicate this in a drawing. It was nice being here, in the mystic silence of nature, where my problems felt insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
As I blew on my hands to keep them warm, he got a pack of cigarettes and Zippo lighter out of his back pocket and lit a cigarette. He took a deep drag and exhaled it slowly, returning the pack and lighter back to his pocket.
“You were crying because of your mother,” he stated flatly. “So instead of taking you home, where you would see her again so soon, I thought you’d need some time and space to calm down.”
I inhaled a sharp breath. He was offering me time and space to calm down. He did this for me.
Something crumbled in me, and warm tears spilled down my cheeks.
He looked at me, his face unreadable. “Why are you crying now?”
I couldn’t find the words to express how I felt at the moment. Despite our chaotic history, he wanted to make me feel better.
“I’m overwhelmed,” I replied honestly and brushed away my tears. “In a good way. Why did you do this?”
He shrugged, turning his face away from me. He took another drag and expelled the smoke, watching it disappear in the air. “Call it repaying debt.”
“Debt? What debt?”
“You helped me last night, so I’m returning the favor.”
My lips twitched into a small smile. I didn’t feel cold anymore, melting after hearing these words. Returning the favor? I don’t think so.
“Last night you were angry at me for helping you.”
“I still am, but no matter how stupid it was, you helped me, so I can’t really bitch about it. This doesn’t mean I trust you or forgive you for anything. I still want you to stay away from me.”
A pang of hurt rushed through my chest, but I didn’t dwell on it. I couldn’t expect his trust or forgiveness that easily. I understood because I felt the same, struggling to trust or forgive him. I should just appreciate what he did tonight, no matter the reason for it.
We watched the river in silence that stretched into minutes, and I felt myself relaxing gradually. He finished his cigarette, threw it on the ground, and stepped on it, blowing the last cloud of smoke high in the air.
“Thank you,” I said, raising my eyes to meet his.
“Don’t thank me,” he snarled. “I didn’t do this to help you.”
Why do you deny the obvious?
“Anyway, I appreciate this. I feel better.”
It was true. For a little while, I managed to forget about a woman who was incapable of being a mother and the public humiliation she’d put me through. I didn’t want to think about all those faces in the bar staring at me like I was a circus freak as she hurt me in the most terrible way.
He didn’t answer, staring transfixed at the river. I looked at his profile, slowly tracing the sharp angle of his jaw, his cheek, soft lips, the bruises that were a heartbreaking evidence of his blackness, and even the steam that came out of his nose or mouth whenever he exhaled... I couldn’t see his scar in the dark, but I knew where I would find it. It had faded over time, unlike the scars inside us, but it kept living on as a merciless reminder of our painful past—of my mistake.
Not for the first time, I wished I knew what he felt when he saw it in the mirror. Was it his personal brand of hell? Was it a memory played in a loop? I wanted to ask him this and so many things, but the wall between us didn’t allow it.
Mrs. Black’s words about his father’s suicide returned to taunt me, and pain shot through my heart. I couldn’t even imagine how Hayden had felt in that moment. I sniffed and closed my eyes to suppress my tears. He’d experienced so many ugly moments in his life, and I felt a deep need to erase all that sorrow from his heart. I wanted him to have happy memories. I wanted him to smile.
I opened my eyes, shaking my head at myself. No. I wouldn’t pity him. Never pity. Hayden was strong. He’d survived so much, but he was still here, breathing and fighting on.
“This is the place I sometimes come to when things get too tough for me,” he said suddenly, keeping his gaze fixed ahead of him.
I was surprised but touched that he let me in on this, which only sparked more questions. Did he want to be left alone when he was hurting or feeling lost? What were his biggest fears? Why was this place his safe haven? Why did he want to show it to me?
But I only asked, “Why this place?”
“I love rivers. Their never-ending flow fascinates me, and the shimmering surface helps me focus on its beauty instead on the ugliness of my emotions. It calms me down.”
I stared open-mouthed at him, mesmerized by his deep words. He wasn’t his usual self. There was so much more to Hayden than I ever knew, and I wondered bitterly if our past could’ve been any different, starting from the moment I fell carrying that box three and a half years ago. His one insult was enough to make me fall apart, but one good moment with him provided me with this indescribable joy and peace. Once more, I felt like everything clicked, and the pieces of our intricate puzzle came together to form a harmonious whole.
He finally turned around to look at me and smirked. “You see, this wasn’t so bad? You’ll get home in one piece.”
He headed to my car, and I followed him. “I should thank my lucky stars,” I joked.
His only response was a slow smile that enthralled me. He got into my car, and I just stared at him, reveling in the sight of this different Hayden. This unexpected moment with him was special, and I cherished it. It helped me forget about my mother, the freezing temperature... And Mateo.
Oh God.
Friday couldn’t come soon enough.
We spent the ride back home in silence, but I didn’t mind it. I stole a glance at him every once in a while, trying to figure out his emotions, but his face was blank as usual. He parked in my driveway and turned off the engine, leaving the key in the ignition.
I clasped my hands together on my lap, searching for the right words to say before he left, but before I could thank him again, he faced me and said, “Try to get some sleep.”
His tender words took me by surprise, paralyzing me, and all I could do was return his intense gaze filled with bittersweet emotions. His eyes were so dark, sending a thrill of anticipation through me, and I was about to get drawn into his world again...
Until he blinked, shutting himself off. He got out of my car without a word or glance, leaving me with a deafening heartbeat and a burning desire.
Chapter 6
THANKSGIVING BREAK wasn’t particularly joyful when it was spent alone, and the days passed in a mix of sadness and wishes for a big family. I had no one but my mother, who was never enthusiastic about this holiday. We always spent Thanksgiving dinner in uncomfortable silence, eating a pre-cooked turkey because she was a disaster in the kitchen, just like me.
This year was the worst, because for the first time, we didn’t even have a dinner. Not after what happened on Tuesday night. We hadn’t been on speaking terms since then. I spent Wednesday in my room, trying to draw something between my moments of self-pity, but it was hard because when I woke up that morning, my mother’s words hit me twice as hard.
It was hard to deal with the fact that I wasn’t even supposed to exist but was alive thanks to a twisted turn of events. If she’d known she was pregnant from the start... I wouldn’t exist. I would be gone.
I was just an obstacle for her.
Just a few months more, Sarah. You’ll be eighteen, you’ll finish high school, and you’ll go to college. You won’t have to live with her anymore.
How many times had I imagined living on my own? It was impossible, though. I had to be eighteen in order to leave home in Connecticut, unless I petitioned the Probate Court to become an emancipated minor, but it was a long process without a guaranteed result. Plus, I didn’t have much mone
y, and I couldn’t support myself with my part-time job in the retirement home. I’d have to find another job or work multiple jobs.
I got headaches just weighing my options.
A gloomy Wednesday turned into a long Thursday, which I spent the same way: locked in my room, wallowing in self-pity, irritated by myself and the rest of the world. Holidays were the worst invention after Mondays. How was a person without a family supposed to feel? There was nothing but loneliness and depression.
Jess and her parents had gone to her hometown of Bridgeport for a big family reunion, and while Mel had invited me to spend time with her family, I wasn’t eager to intrude on them when her parents’ relationship was strained. Mateo had invited me too, but accepting his invitation was out of the question for so many reasons.
Friday morning rolled in after a wakeful night, and the bright sun did nothing to dispel my bad mood. I wanted to be anywhere but on the school bleachers, but I wanted to support Mateo for the last time.
Remorse ate me from the inside. I’d been selfish. In hopes of forgetting Hayden, I did the same thing I’d done to Kayden the night I disregarded his feelings for me, when I kissed him while imagining he was Hayden. Once again, I thought only about my happiness, hoping for the best, but what I actually needed was time to pull myself together. On my own.
But I’d been afraid to be alone, afraid of the grim history repeating itself. I had constant nightmares about Josh or Natalie breaking into my house and finishing what they had started. Hayden was completely ignoring me, hooking up with random girls every week, and I needed someone to help me overcome my problems and fears. I thought Mateo would help me forget Hayden and give me a new shot at love. I was so foolish.
My palms were sweating as I drove to school. I wanted to throw up, wishing time would leap forward to tomorrow, letting me skip the conversation with Mateo. I wouldn’t see him before the game, which was in my favor. I didn’t know if I would be able to act like everything was okay any longer, and his sole focus should be on the game.
I parked my car close to the school, my anxiety strumming my nerves. Coming here would be much harder if I didn’t have Mel with me. I never went to our school’s football games, but I heard the stories of how well Hayden played each time. Students never failed to praise him, Blake, and Masen.
I sent a quick text to Mateo to wish him luck and got out of the car, looking around for Mel since we’d agreed to meet here. The parking lot was already jam-packed, filled with cars and students. Half of them were from Rawenwood High, who came to support their team. A few groups carried flags, cheer horns of various colors, and yellow banners with a saint logo and “Yellow Saints” written in black.
I raised my eyebrows, chuckling. Yellow saints?
“Fi-na-lly!” A familiar voice boomed behind me, and I turned around. Melissa jogged to me, skidding to a stop. “I was looking for you everywhere. Seriously, this place is like Disneyland. You can get lost easily! I was about to call you and ask for the map of this mess. Or get a GPS device!” she rambled like always, scowling at some giggling girls who passed us by chatting loudly about their favorite players. Mateo’s name was among them.
Melissa rolled her smokey blue eyes at them, flicking her pointed bangs with her fingers to the side. “Those airheads. If I hear them say ‘Go go, sexy saints’ one more time, I swear I’ll decapitate them and sell their heads on the black market.”
“I doubt you could get much money considering the intellectual capacity of their brains.”
“Believe me, just the brain itself would bring in a lot of money.”
Why were we discussing the price of brains like we were talking about clothes on Amazon? And why did she sound like an experienced brain trafficker?
She grimaced at me when she looked at me. “You look like sheep’s poop.”
“Gee, thanks.”
She stuck her tongue out at me. “Did something happen?”
“Nothing out of ordinary.”
It was nothing out of ordinary, indeed. Hearing I was never supposed to be born was just a cherry on top after years and years of issues I’d had with my mother. It shouldn’t have surprised me at all. I should’ve seen it coming.
She frowned. “Did you argue with your mother?”
I’d shared some snippets of our complicated past with Melissa, so she knew we didn’t get along, but she didn’t know my relationship with my mother was nonexistent.
I shrugged my shoulder, ignoring the ache that pulsed in my chest. “A bit.”
She pursed her lips, looking at me with sympathy. “I understand. Thanksgiving sucked for me too. The dinner was a disaster, even with my grandparents from Enfield there. We all argued, and we exchanged some pretty hurtful words...” A shadow clouded Mel’s eyes as she looked off into the distance, and my heart clenched for her.
“It all started when I refused to eat that goddamn turkey. I’m a fricking vegetarian! I’m completely against killing poor turkeys for the sake of some stupid holiday, but my mom said I was ‘picky’ and ‘difficult to please.’ She keeps thinking my vegetarianism is just a phase, which makes me so mad.”
“I’m sorry, Mel.”
She heaved a deep sigh. “Then my parents started to argue about their different views on parenting, blaming each other for the mistakes in Steven’s and my upbringing. My grandparents joined in, picking sides and all.”
“Your grandparents shouldn’t add fuel to the fire when your parents are going through a hard period.”
“You can say that again. I really think my parents will separate soon. It’s just a matter of days, and they don’t care that the divorce would affect Steven and me badly, and he would become even more difficult to handle...” Her voice trailed off into a heavy silence.
I wanted to tell her everything would be all right and her parents would change their minds, but that would be a lie. I just wished Melissa didn’t have to go through the agony of her parents’ separation.
She flinched, and her expression did a one-eighty, like she realized she’d said too much. Her huge grin was almost painful to see. “All right! Time to go and cheer for those sexy ‘holy people’!”
I frowned. She always did this whenever she started to open up to Jess or me. She heavily guarded herself, disguising herself with smiles when she had her own problems to deal with. Maybe she would learn to trust Jess and me more in time. I couldn’t really blame her when I had the same issue.
“Why is your team called ‘Yellow Saints’?” I had to ask, giggling. That name was hilarious.
“Yellow is our school color. But saints?” She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe a lot of people from our school ended up as saints?”
“In that case, they would have to be very dead. Like hundreds and hundreds of years dead,” I replied mockingly.
She snorted. “Why is your team called ‘Beavers’?”
“Someone decided to name it after the spirit animals they kept as pets.”
“Yeah, right. And those beavers spoke Latin while pooping golden strawberries.”
I burst into laughter. “Right.”
We were about to head over to the football field when Hayden’s Chevrolet Camaro entered the parking lot, giving rise to a wild tempo of my heart. He wasn’t alone, and my insides churned when I caught a glimpse of red hair through his passenger window.
He stopped near us and got out, greeted by bystanders who looked at him like he was some kind of god. Maya slid out of his car in one fluid move and walked over to him, looking highly attractive, as always, in her dark blue cheerleading uniform she wore under her short winter jacket. Her long scarlet hair was pulled up into a high ponytail, her full makeup emphasizing her alluring dark brown eyes. She obviously didn’t care about the pre-game practice, arriving late.
“Sar?” I jerked my head at Melissa and blushed because she saw me staring. “Today, girl. Today.”
She moved without waiting for me, and I chased after her. “Hey, wait for me!”
I
threw one last glance at Hayden, who was sharing a heated kiss with Maya. I bit my lip, falling into step with Mel. It was perfectly okay. If she made him happy, that was okay, and I didn’t have any right to feel jealous. I didn’t have any right to imagine peeling her off him, especially when I had yet to break up with Mateo.
I clenched my fists. We followed the path around the school that led to the field, walking right behind a loud group of seniors from Mel’s school.
“Why are you obsessed with that jerk?” Mel asked me, her brows drawn tight.
I knew very well who she was referring to, but I wasn’t willing to share my feelings with her. Jessica would understand me, but Melissa was different, and it didn’t help that she hated Hayden’s guts.
“I’m not obsessed.”
“Then why do your eyes grow to the size of watermelons every time he’s around? You’re with Mateo, Sar. That’s...” She made a sour face. “That’s pretty much cheating.”
My cheeks flared along with my anger, tension simmering under my skin. I didn’t know who I was angry at—myself or her. “I wasn’t doing anything bad—”
“Oh yeah? You think Mateo would feel the same if he knew you can’t keep that motherfucker out of your head? Fantasizing about being with someone else is cheating in my book.”
“I don’t ‘fantasize’ about being with Hayden! Stop acting like you know how I feel or the way I think.”
I hated arguments, and I hated arguing with Mel, especially because her words hit home. A few girls glanced over their shoulders at us, and I had to remind myself to lower my voice in a public place.
“Besides, I’m breaking up with Mateo after the game,” I blurted out.
She halted abruptly and gaped at me. “What?” Damn. This wasn’t how I’d imagined breaking the news to her. “Why?”
I wasn’t able to look her in the eyes. “I don’t love him.”
“That’s fine. Nobody expects people to love each other right off the bat. Love takes time and—”
“And I still love Hayden,” I whispered, my face growing crimson. She didn’t say anything, but I could feel her heavy gaze fixed on me as I stared at the ground.